I think it is important for husbands and wives to understand sexual response and desire. If you don’t understand how you are made, it can really wreck your sex life. If you do get it, it helps you both play to your strengths.

My friend Jay Dee over at Uncovering Intimacy did a great job talking about responsive desire versus spontaneous desire. This is a huge concept to understand. I think that what happens is one person spontaneously desires sex with their spouse. The other spouse is seemingly never spontaneous in their desire for sex. Therefore, we deem them to “never be in the mood”.

Understand You Have Different Sexual Responses

Instead of a responder understanding that they have a different sexual response, both they and their spouse think that they have a low sex drive. In reality, they are more responsive in nature. A spontaneous sex drive is one that desires sex regardless of what’s going on around them. The one that has a responsive sex drive doesn’t desire sex until something sexual is happening.

What it’s Like to Be a Sexual Responder

It could take a sexual responder a solid 20 minutes into sex before they really feel arousal or desire. So, because of the lack of sexual response, the spontaneous desire spouse thinks the responder spouse doesn’t really want to be there.

The sexual responder spouse feels confused because they can’t understand why they aren’t having fun and really enjoying sex. So, the responder tends to shut things down before they’ve even given themselves a chance to be aroused and satisfied.

The Problem Between The Two Different Responses

Typically, what ends up happening, is that the spontaneous desire spouse feels rejected because their spouse doesn’t come after them the way they do. And the responder spouse feels like something is wrong with them.

It’s a lot easier to just say, “I’m not in the mood”, then it is to figure out what’s actually going on. They put it all on their hormones, being tired, stressed, etc. and no one realizes what’s actually going on- and that is, they just respond to sex differently.

What The Responder Needs to Enjoy Sex

The sexual responder has to take on a mindset that they are going to put sex on their calendar and initiate it regardless of how they are feeling. I am a responder. I put sex on my calendar and make it happen that way. If it’s not on my calendar, it’s not going to spontaneously happen on my end.

If I’m approached by Austin for spontaneous sex, I’m going to have a much more difficult time switching my brain to arousal. For a long time, I would just say, “can we reschedule for tomorrow?”. Obviously, that made him feel rejected.

For The Responder, Having Sex is Like Going to The Gym

I don’t think you are being selfish to desire a better intimate life with your spouse. God created us to desire intimacy. It’s easy for a responder to become complacent about sex since they aren’t aroused spontaneously as often- if ever.

I think that for the sexual responder, sex is like going to the gym. They want the results of going to the gym. In fact, they even like it when they get there and get going. But, it takes a lot of energy to just get off the couch and do it. It’s a mental battle they have to fight because they know the end result is going to be great.

Why Having Sex at Bedtime is Hard For the Responder

For the person that doesn’t get aroused until 15 minutes into lovemaking, it’s just a lot of work. It’s a lot of physical exertion for anything to feel good. It takes even more effort to climax. And honestly, you have to have the stamina for it.

So having sex at the end of a long day of running around being a grown-up is tough. The way to make it not tough, and something to look forward to, is to change your mindset altogether. When you see sex as a mini date or getaway with your spouse, it’s a lot easier to see intimacy as an escape, rather than one more thing you have to do before you go to bed.

For The Pursuer, Sex is Like Eating Cake

For someone who is already sexually aroused before they start having sex, feels confused to think that sex is a lot of work. For them, it’s more like eating cake. They’ve been dreaming of that cake all day. They pass by it and can’t wait to be allowed to have it.

They could be dog tired by the time they can have a chance to eat that cake, and it wouldn’t matter at all. Eating cake is effortless. Having sex is effortless to someone that is sexually aroused and ready to go.

So, which are you? The pursuer or the responder? How should you interact with your spouse on this basis?

Keelie and I run a couple of businesses together. To be honest, it’s a challenge. Today, Lynn Glover is with us sharing some tips for running a business with your spouse to help shave off some of the learning curve.

The 21st Century is bursting with young couples burning the midnight oil to make their way in the world by forming a successful small business. You and your partner have your dream, your vision is all written up in a nice business plan, one of you might even have a degree in graphic design, web development, or marketing. Great! But what if I told you tenacity, book, and street smarts will only get you 20% of the way to success?

Married couples going into business together seems like a foolproof plan for financial success. After all, you have a partner built right in! No need to go searching for a co-CEO who shares your visions, ideals, work ethic, and mindset!

Except, these assets that make you a killer team might also kill your dream.

1. Divvy Up Responsibility

If you’ve already written up your business plan, pull up your document—or notebook for the few Millennials like me who still like to use a good ole fashioned pen—and prepare to make a new section. Label it what you please, but in this section, you and your spouse are going to divvy up your business responsibilities. Why?

Charting out roles is absolutely essential for the success of any business. Would you expect the janitor to send out financial reports to China, or the head legal advisor to be giving out call-center advice? While these individuals are likely capable of stepping outside of their designated roles, when people leave their duties to go and perform others, several problems crop up. For one thing,

2. The person is operating outside of their strengths.

The beauty of going into business together means that you can tailor your duties to each other’s strengths and cover one another’s weaknesses. (Sounds an awful lot like marriage. Huh. Who knew?). So, if your wife is better at crunching numbers and you’re more inclined to customer service, would it not make sense for you to let your wife handle tax documents and order forms while you work one-on-one with your best clients?

Not only is delegating responsibilities going to make your business stronger overall, but you will avoid doing redundant work—which saves time, effort, and arguments.

3. Speaking of arguments…

Once you’ve delegated responsibilities, obviously tweaking can be done as you gain a rhythm of what works most effectively. However, the big takeaway here is this: 50-50 delegation, 100% authority.

If you are in charge of customer service, you are in charge of customer service. Your word is final. If your wife is in charge of the finances, she is in charge of the finances. No arguments.

Now, what was that quote about absolute power corrupting absolutely?

I am not advising that you become a dictator in your designated areas of responsibility. Quite the opposite. It is paramount that you listen to your partner’s input and concerns. Afterall, they are your partner and you married them for a reason.

Remember, you like the way their mind works, you like their ideas, and you like them. So, take their input into account. Listen, and really listen when you disagree. You never know when one of their ideas will take you from mediocre success to making your business boom!

Just remember, at the end of the day, someone has to have the final say. It only makes sense for that person to be the one who heads up the department.

To follow our example: you are your wife’s financial advisor and she is your customer service advisor.

View each other in both authority and advisory roles and there will be a more team-focused atmosphere. After all, every ruler has their cabinet.

And advisors, remember: No Backseat Driving. Your partner is in charge of their area for a reason—their expertise. Present them with all the information they need to make the decision that is right for the business.

4. Relationship Comes First

This last point is easily the most important. Your relationship with your spouse is first and foremost. Your successful business is merely an offshoot of your successful marriage. So, take time every day to step away from the business.

• Go on dates and discuss anything but work.
• Set aside hours and places that are purely for personal life.
• Take some time apart to develop individually
• Ask each other about your days: not just “did you finish that report?” or “I need you to fax those documents tomorrow…” but ask feeling questions. Though you were working towards a similar goal, you may feel very differently about your day than your partner does. So, ask, “how did you feel today?” and when it’s your turn to respond, use “I felt” responses.
• Listen to each other’s sides, issues, joys, and fears
• Forgive one another’s shortcomings
• Leave your work at work, and your personal lives personal.
• And lastly, tailor your business to suit your lifestyle so you may:
  • Work when you need to work
  • Play when you need to play
  • Rest when you need to rest
  • Care for one another always

If you keep these simple points in mind, you and your spouse will be able to manage change that benefits both your marriage and your small business.

This weekend, I’m sitting in a conference for writers and we are talking about emails right this very second. Next to me are 3 of my blogger friends. I’ve introduced you to all of these guys before. Chris from the Forgiven Wife, Bonny from OysterBed7, and J from Hot Holy Humorous.

I have read these guys blogs for many years and we connect with each other online. It’s so great to meet them in person for the first time. And you know what? They are just regular folks- like me. Right now, I’m in a room full of bloggers, but it feels like Sunday School. We’re just a group of people that are all here for the same reason and we are being real with each other.

It got me thinking about something, a lot of people read my blog and follow me on social media. They have a chance to get to know me. They feel connected to me. My stories and sex games are changing their lives. But…I don’t get to know them like that. And, I hate that.

If you didn’t know about me, I love to talk to people. I’m an extreme extrovert. I’m always looking for ways to build community. In fact, Austin and I packed our kids up and moved to Texas to develop closer community with people we chose as our family.

Needless to say, I think community is important and I’ve gone to great lengths to make it happen. It’s exactly why we created the Love Hope Adventure Community on Facebook. If you haven’t joined us over there, be sure to request to be a member here.

The group is the best way for us to get to know each other and talk. If you have questions, email me or post them up in the group. Guys, I want to get to know you all. I’ve got things I’m struggling with in my life and I know you do, too. Let’s no go this alone.

Alcoholism destroys people. Everyone involved in the situation feels the effects of the addiction. The alcoholic themselves, the family, friends, co-workers, and often times, strangers.

I invited Jenn Ward on today to share more information about the effects of alcoholism in marriage.

Alcoholism is an addiction to the drinking of alcoholic beverages. An individual suffering from alcoholism will often choose to drink even when required to fulfill certain obligations like work and family matters.

The alcoholic may also experience withdrawal symptoms when they try to quit drinking. They will also often feel as though their body cannot function properly without alcohol.

The effect of alcohol use disorder in marriages can be quite devastating often causing problems that lead to alienation and divorce.

Signs of Alcoholism

• Drinking frequently
• Failing to realize how much alcohol you have consumed
• Drinking too quickly and gulping
• Performing dangerous tasks while drunk for example drink-driving
• Intentionally missing critical social events and activities for drinking.
• Making excuses to continue drinking for instance stress

3 Ways Alcoholism Impacts Marriage 

1. The Effects on Health

Alcohol abuse increases the risk of diseases such as ulcers, cancers such as stomach, colon, liver, breast and mouth cancers. It also increases the probability of stomach problems. Alcoholics who have abused alcohol for long may also experience seizures due to changes in the GABA system of their brains.

Alcoholism also leads to diseases such as liver cirrhosis and alcohol-induced hepatitis in the long term. The buildup of fat around the liver may also result in liver failure. In some cases, alcohol abuse leads to constant high blood pressure by damaging the circulatory system.

By causing reduced cognitive function and harming memory, alongside the effects above, alcoholism causes unending stress to the spouse of an alcoholic.

2. Effects on Finances

An alcoholic spouse will divert your family’s money towards buying and consuming alcohol. They will also fail to report to work which will lead to a loss of income for your family because they will lose their jobs.

In the long run, when the health effects of alcoholism begin to affect your spouse, you will spend a lot of money treating them. This strains your marriage financially.

Eventually, all this financial strain will start to stress you and affect your productivity at work. This will further affect your marriage in the economic aspects of it.

3. Domestic Violence and Loss of Trust

Alcoholism causes extreme mood swings and behavior changes which could make your spouse very irritable and prone to spurts of violence. They also will begin to practice deceit in almost every aspect of their lives because they have to cover up their drinking habits.

This will eventually erode the trust between you and your spouse hence negatively impacting your marriage.

Encouragement For Recovery For the Alcoholic

The effects of alcohol abuse on marriage are calamitous. It is thus crucial to deal with addiction as early as you can.

When you identify your partner or yourself as an alcoholic, you have to decide to stop drinking. Recovering from alcoholism is an eventual process so you should not expect immediate results.

Once you have decided to quit abusing alcohol, you may choose to follow one of several treatment programs which include;

• Residential treatment
• Partial hospitalization
• Outpatient programs
• Sober living
• Therapy

It is essential for a recovering alcoholic to form new social networks that will give them the moral support to overcome alcoholism. The unfortunate thing about alcohol addictions is that it leads to other addictions like drugs. According to Amethist, a facility that hosts AA meetings in West Palm Beach, roughly 64,000 people in America died in 2016 from an opioid overdose. 

The effects of alcoholism on marriage are hard to ignore. It impacts different unions in different ways, but its results can always be summarized into financial and emotional ones.

Alcohol abuse affects both partners physically and psychologically and extends its effects even to their children. It is therefore essential to identify it and find ways to overcome it as soon as it rears its ugly head.