We’ve all heard about relationships hitting the rocks, and one of the major reasons is often a lack of sex. Unfortunately, this can also lead to infidelity in marriages and relationships.
You’re probably reading this article because you’re having less sex than you used to, but what’s normal? When should you worry?
At the start of most relationships, your sex life is always at its peak. But as time goes by, many people find their sex life flat-lining. This can be for a wide range of reasons, some more worrisome than others. The number of times a week that you have sex probably isn’t as important as whether there has been an overall decline that you’re unhappy with and whether the quality of your lovemaking is reduced to routine and uninspiring.
We’re going to look at five reasons that may be causing your sex life to be on the decline.
Poor Communication in the Relationship
The quality of any relationship, whether platonic or romantic, is directly affected by the quality of communication and how connected you are. Ever feel that you just don’t know your partner anymore? Well, you’re probably not communicating with them regularly. It’s possible that your partner is experiencing things in their day that shape their thoughts and feelings, that you’re just not aware of.
Busy lives and relationship familiarity means that over time we stop talking to each other as much. We become less intrigued by every little thing our spouse says, we stop asking genuine questions about their day, or how they think or feel about a subject.
If you feel that you don’t understand your partner any more, it’s very possible that they feel the same way. They might feel subtly underappreciated, second best or that you’re not really interested in them. Whether they realise it or not, this could be undermining their romantic feelings for you, as they subliminally interpret you to be less interested in them than before.
Sex is directly associated with and attached to our emotions. Sexual arousal often begins outside the bedroom. The moment either spouse feels they are not loved or appreciated, this will directly affect their sexual behavior. A lack of sex can kill the mutual morale in the relationship and before you know it, you’re in a spiral of poor communication driving a lack of quality sex.
If you’re guilty of asking your spouse a quick ‘how was your day?’ when they walk through the door, but not really listening to the answer they give you, try instead saying ‘Let’s sit down for ten minutes before we get on with the evening. Tell me about your day.”
Make it a point to ask at least two more questions about what your partner tells you. Do this for a week and you’ll find that you not only know more about what’s impacting their daily life, but you’re getting more affection in return as your partner sees that you care. Trust us, the romantic feelings will follow and you’ll be making better (if not more) love in no time!
Not Trying Out New Thingsor Getting Too Repetitive
Would you eat the same sandwich for lunch, at the same day, at the same time? Kind of boring, right?
We all have ingrained tendencies to enjoy novelty and trying something new, and sex is no different. If you and your partner are in the habit of having sex at the same time, in the same place, in the same way, it’s going to lead to sexual boredom. The predictability of what’s going to happen next makes it less and less arousing. You might be having sex, but it’s probably not as exciting as it used to be.
Now it’s entirely normal in long term relationships to have routine positions and times for sex that you both enjoy. But to spice up our sex lives and add back a little of that spark of the unknown that is so exciting in the early days of a relationship, you will need to try new things. Whether you simply want to try having sex in a place other than the bedroom, or want to get a little more experimental with adult sex toys, find a way to keep the desire for your partner’s body burning.
Work, Duties, And The Tight Schedules We Indulge In
When marriage relationships are new and you’re having your best sex, you’re probably also focusing a little bit less on work, your usual social circle and other hobbies or activities. We tend to get all wrapped up in new relationships for a while, before the ‘newness’ subsides and we let long days in the office, Friday nights out with the girls / boys and other interests creep back in.
It is very healthy to maintain interests and friends that contribute to your personal identity. In fact, these things give you something interesting to talk about with your partner. What isn’t so healthy for your relationship is when your relationship comes so far down the pile of activities and commitments that you’re struggling to find time to just sit down and relax with your spouse in a week.
This has also changed sex in a way. For many couples today, sex becomes another task that you should do, rather than one you want to do. When you’re both living this frantic pace of life it becomes all too easy to mutually take sex off your to-do list for the week. What we really need to do is reduce our workload and prioritize our relationships (and sex lives) instead.
To get a bit more time back in your day that lets you sleep an extra hour to give you more energy, or to reconnect with your partner, are there things you can outsource? Cleaning or ironing are usually top of this list.
Consider whether you’re really enjoying everything you’ve crammed in your schedule, because you would rather go out than genuine enjoyment? Perhaps that time would be better spent with your partner relaxing at home. It goes without saying that if you don’t see each other, you’re not going to be having much sex!
Lifestyle, Medication, And General Body Health
Some foods might lead to higher or lower levels of libido. In the same way, drugs or intoxicants have a significant impact on our general body health and might mess with our sex drives in the short or long term.
Immediately after drinking or taking drugs, the hormonal systems that drive sexual arousal and the ability to perform sexually may be impacted. Men might find they have trouble with erections or climax, and women may have trouble becoming lubricated and orgasming.
Other drugs, even those that we take over the counter, could impact our estrogen (females) and testosterone (males) hormones which majorly affects our reproductive health. Some medications such as birth control medications may lower our sex drives.
It goes without saying that drinking to excess or taking illicit drugs are never a good idea and unlikely to benefit your love life in the long run. But since more benign drugs could also be the cause of sex life problems, if you suspect a certain medication is the root cause, it is wise to visit your doctor for a discussion about alternatives with lesser sexual side effects.
You’re Too Tuned Into Gadgets And Social Network Platforms
The great 21st century challenge! Technology and social media is great, humans achieve many great things every day as the result of improved technology and how we use social media platforms for good.
However, participating in social media should not take over our bedrooms each night. This can obviously lead to less sex, if neither of you can get off your device, but it can also affect the quality of your sleep and your engagement with each other. Staring at screens often equals no talking.
If you used to lie in bed and have a chat and a cuddle at night in the early days, consider whether that pattern has changed. Are you both on your phones until the moment you go to sleep? There is enough research nowadays that says taking technology into the bedroom is negative for your overall well being. Perhaps take this advice on board and agree to leave your devices at the door. You might find that once your phone isn’t diverting your attention away from your partner, you naturally start using that time for sex instead.
Above are just a few of the most influential factors that adversely affect your sex life. Think about whether you’re doing any of these things differently than you were in the early days of your relationship. If so, make the conscious effort to wind that behavior back to get some more sex back in your life.
Keelie is a mother of three amazing boys and married to her high school sweetheart, Austin. She spends her days running R5 Website Management, taking care of the home, and investing in her children. In her spare time, she loves to encourage married couples to grow deeper in their relationship and find joy in their marriage.