The week between Christmas and New Years is a time when I do a lot of self-reflecting. I look back over the past year and forward to the next.
One thing that is really important is to have a marital check up every now and then. What better time to think through your marriage then right now?
Here are 6 things I ask myself about my marriage when I’m running determining if we are on track.
1. Are We Spending Enough Time Together?
It is so important to spend time together as a couple. We have had some really busy periods in our lives where it was hard to communicate.
Sometimes, those periods are going to come up and there isn’t much you can do about it. However, times where you get so busy that you end up not spending enough time together is not healthy. When that happens, you need to make changes in your life so that you can get back to having time with one another daily.
So, how much time is enough? This answer will depend on each couple. If one of you is feeling neglected or like there isn’t enough time being spent together, you need to re-evaluate.
2. Have I Made Sex a Priority?
Both people in the marriage have a responsibility to make sure that sex is taking place. Whether you are a low drive spouse or not, it is a vital part of marriage to have sexual intimacy on a regular basis.
The number of times you have sex in a week is going to depend on you and your spouse. Have the conversation with your lover about whether or not the frequency of your love making is working for you.
It is so important that you guys spend time being together in physical union. God created us to have the need for sex, and for that need to only be met by our spouse.
3. Are We Making Date Nights Happen?
Date nights can be very difficult when you have young children and a limited budget. Even if your ability to go out and spend money is difficult, you can still make dating a priority. At home date nights are just as important as going out together.
For a well rounded dating life, you should have different types of dates that you experience with each other. When planning time together, it needs to meet one or more of these core needs.
Time to connect:
- Mentally
- Emotionally
- Physically
- Spiritually
Make sure that your date nights allow one or more of these things to take place. Connection with your spouse is so important.
4. When is The Last Time I Learned Something New About My Spouse?
If you think you have your spouse all figured out, then you are really missing out. All of us change over the course of time. We go through phases where we like something more than we used to.
Take the time to be a student of your spouse. You will likely notice things about them before they do. It is so helpful to have a person in your life that can point out things about your personality and character.
5. Am I Too Comfortable In My Relationship?
Have I grown too comfortable in my relationship? Or am I stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying new things for my spouse?
Getting too comfortable in any situation will cause you to grow complacent. When you are complacent, you end up getting bored.
You should not be bored in your marriage relationship! If you and your spouse are not finding new ways to connect and grow, then it is time you make some goals together.
6. Have I Let My Guard Down?
Affairs and divorce can happen to anyone, even you! The best way to defend yourself against these things is to never let your guard down.
By that, I mean, always be careful in your relationships with other people, regardless of the gender. Do not go against your convictions. Be attentive to the influences in your life.
I encourage you to ask yourself these questions and then take the time to discuss them with your spouse. It will take both of you to evaluate the health of your relationship. It is so important to have a marital check up every couple of months.
If you don’t ask your spouse if they are happy in your marriage, then you will not know if there are problems.
8 comments
B
Hi Keelie,
Thanks for your reply. Thank you Kathy, I don’t think its a medical thing, and he hasn’t been to a doctor in ten years. I’d have to literally drag him there. I think he’s just not that into me.
What’s even more frustrating is, like today, he came home from work and he was acting lovey and huggy and I was like “please stop. I just got myself all calmed down and I do not want to get wound up again for no reason.” He doesn’t even realize that I’ve wanted to be with him for three days and nothing! That I’ve been walking around all wound up and it’s torture! When I finally squash those desires, the last thing I want to do is fire them up again. And he gets all sad. And then he is just quiet the rest of the day, like I did something wrong. I’m not the one who thinks I’m repulsive, he is! He says he feels bad that I feel so badly about myself. But wouldn’t any woman who had a husband that wasn’t very interested? Especially If she, like me, were really interested in him? I wish I could hate sex. I wish I were the low drive spouse. I wish I was a normal woman who could take or leave it. I’ve thought about visiting the low drive wife blogs and asking them what I can do to turn off my desires for my husband. But I’m afraid of offending them. And just like every night, I’m sitting here reading this and feeling ugly, inside and out, while he’s sleeping peacefully. What a way to celebrate New Years Eve.
A lot of times I think he just should have married a sweeter, prettier, low sex drive woman. He’d be so much happier.
Keelie Reason
I’m so sorry you’re in this spot. It’s hard to be where you are. I know you’re disappointed and it’s so easy to think his lack of desire had to do with you. The truth is, a low drive sex drive in a person doesn’t normally have much to do with the other person. His lack of drive has to do with him more than you. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it feels like it’s something wrong with you or something you are lacking. Really, though, his lack of drive isn’t your fault. I’m sorry for you to deal with this. :/
B
Hi Keelie! Happy New Year! I’ve tried to make sex a priority, but it’s just not that important to my husband. 🙂 Being the higher drive spouse stinks! The lower drive spouse ALWAYS gets their way. And being a higher drive wife stinks double, because not only do you not get your needs met by the man you love, you realize you’re not as loveable or attractive as the wives who have husbands that pursue them.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I enjoy sex with my husband so much. We do it about once a week, which I understand might sound like a lot to some men (the ones who have higher drives than their wives). But after a couple days, I start to go crazy. I feel like I repulse him. He keeps saying “why didn’t you tell me you were feeling that way?” But we’ve been down that road and I will not beg him for sex. I’d rather him actually desire me as opposed to “give in”.
Anyhow, you posted “The number of times you have sex in a week is going to depend on you and your spouse. Have the conversation with your lover about whether or not the frequency of your love making is working for you.” And I just wanted to point out that the lower drive spouse controls EVERYTHING, including the self worth of the HDS. We’ve had the conversation, and sometimes he acts sad that I feel the way I do. But obviously he’s happy with the way things are. I think he feels special because he “forces” himself to be with me once a week. The annoying thing is he talks like he’s into me, and like he’s more attracted to me than he is anyone else, but his actions scream louder than his words.
I’m starting to hate sex. I spend more time trying to turn myself off, trying to NOT want my husband, trying to squash my own desire for him so I don’t have to feel like an oversexed loser. It’s exhausting!
kathy
See if he will see a doctor could be low hormone’s or other imbalances
Keelie Reason
That might be a good idea if he will go.
Keelie Reason
Yes, you are right, the lower drive spouse often ends up determining the frequency of sex. There are some awesome bloggers out there that write about being a higher drive wife and the things that have helped them. Here are a few posts from J at Hot Holy Humorous
http://hotholyhumorous.com/2015/01/confessions-of-a-higher-drive-spouse/
http://hotholyhumorous.com/2015/04/3-things-higher-drive-spouses-long-for/
http://hotholyhumorous.com/2013/04/i-am-the-higher-drive-spouse-or-yes-rejection-hurts/
Sheila over at To Love Honor and Vacuum brought on a guest poster that wrote about being a high drive wife:
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/12/higher-sex-drive-spouse/
Here is an article that addresses some of the reasons that men deal with a low sex drive:
http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/25771/~/wife-frustrated-with-and-hurt-over-husband%E2%80%99s-low-sex-drive
I hope some of these writers will help you. There are a lot of higher drive wives out there that struggle to get their husbands on the same page with them. In a lot of marriages, one person will have a higher drive then the other person and it will flip flop over the years.
It sounds like you want sex to be a priority, but your spouse doesn’t. The situation you are in is hard for both you and your spouse. He likely struggles to say no to you and you struggle to be told no, as all of us would be. Rejection in marriage comes in many forms, and none of those rejections go over well.
This year, you can work towards finding ways to meet your spouse’s needs. I’m not saying to never ask to have your needs met, or to ask for sex. It will help the intimacy in your marriage (which is way more then just sex) if you will talk with him and find out what you can do to be a better wife for him. It will make way for you to have the conversations with him of how he can be a better husband.
I know it is exhausting to work so hard to get yourself out of the mood and not feel turned on. I hate that you guys are in this position.