Be a Better Lover- Go Outside Of Your Comfort Zone

Be a Better Lover Go Outside Of Your Comfort Zone

The other day, I was reading an article over at Marriage 4:29. She was sharing about how she went out on a limb and danced for her husband. I thought it was so great that she decided to go outside of her comfort zone, and in the end, feel really sexy about herself.

Today, I am talking about how you can be a better lover by going outside of your comfort zone. It is mutually beneficial for you to do that.

What about you? Is there something you can do to bless your spouse in the bedroom?

Be a Better Lover- Find Ways to Bless Your Spouse in The Bedroom

Find a way to bless your spouse sexually

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15 Responses

  1. Hi Keelie,

    Thanks for talking about this. I’m re-thinking going outside of my comfort zone. I found the article on Marriage4:29 upsetting and encouraging. It’s great that the author was able to feel so good about herself. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there.

    I had a bad experience where I had decided to do basically what she did (although my confidence was lower). I did plan and practice and was ready to surprise my husband. Sadly, through discussion I found out he had had a “professional” personal dance before we were married, yet still dating. I was crushed. I think I’ve forgiven him, as he was so young, unmarried, and unsaved. But it was very upsetting to me because I had thought it would be a special thing between us. However, I cannot and will not, compete with a professional.

    My husband claims to feel sad about this. He feels like he’s paying for a stupid mistake he made long ago, as an unsaved young man. I’m not trying to make him pay, but I cannot bring myself to be that vulnerable, not when he already shared what was supposed to be a romantic and sexy and very special moment with a woman who I am sure was MUCH hotter than I could ever be.

    And so, that once exciting idea is now way too far out of my comfort zone. I think I need to start smaller. I need to go outside of my comfort zone by trying to think positively. I need to try to force myself to believe he means it when he says he is attracted to me, and that he loves me, and that he only wants to be with me. Believe it or not, believing such things is incredibly uncomfortable for me. It just feels so untrue.

    But I do want to forget the past, and believe in his love. I think that would make me a better lover.

    1. I know how hard that has to be for you. One thing to keep in mind here is that he engaged in that activity before you guys were married. It wasn’t anything personal towards you. I hate that it affects you so much, but I know it has to feel devastating.

      I hope that you are able to get past the things he did that was wrong, and find ways to forgive him and believe his sincerity. I’m positive he feels that he is being punished in some way for his mistakes. I suspect he still feels guilty about it and regrets it deeply. That is something he can work through and something you guys can work through together.

      Dancing for him may not be the thing you should do since it carries baggage. That doesn’t mean you can’t do something else to step outside of your comfort zone. Just start small like you said.

    2. My husband revealed to me when we started seriously dating and were looking towards marriage that he was struggling with a porn addiction. He was a Christian but made some bad choices and friends in school and had been struggling off and on for several years. He felt terrible and apologized and over the year and half before our marriage he confessed to his parents, my parents, and received counseling from our pastor. He fought hard and overcame his addiction. For me, it was very hurtful. And I understand your feelings of “competing with a professional.” I found a few things very helpful: 1. Colossians 3, specifically vs. 13 & 14 – “Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” I read that around the time that he confessed to me and God’s love and forgiveness poured over me and through me. 2) I also recommend Josh Harris’s “Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is.” It helped me as a female to understand what lust is like for a male. It’s not personal to them (even though it is to us.) And also to understand what a widespread struggle this is for our men today. For even “solid” Christians. 3) I confided in a godly friend. She helped me sort through my emotions. She also challenged me to “take every thought captive” and not dwell on the self-doubt.
      As far as your dance specifically – it may or may not be a good idea, especially maybe not at this point. NOT because you’d be competing with a professional. Honey, I promise you, if your husband is as you are describing him (committed to you and Jesus and loves you), you blow away anything that happened before your marriage. My husband has told me repeatedly that our physical relationship is better than anything he’s trashed his mind with before because it’s based on just that: a relationship. The reason that I would suggest not dancing, or at least not this time, is because your husband is struggling with guilt. He would probably watch you and love everything you’ve done for him but the reminder of his past indiscretion would shadow a good experience with guilt (NOT the thought that before was better.) He may feel that you’ve done something so beautiful for him that he doesn’t deserve. These are Satan’s thoughts – guilt, paralyzing feelings, self-doubt. God wants you both to have a wonderful, confident physical relationship. You CAN have that. My husband and I have a wonderful physical relationship. But a lot of it hangs on me – have I forgiven him? with God’s grace, yes. Does that mean I never struggle with doubt? no, but with God’s grace, rarely. Have I forgotten? no, but it is not something I think about every time we are intimate. My confidence in my husband’s love (but even more in God’s love because no husband is perfect) allows my husband to be confident in his forgiveness. So, to sum up a long reply: 1) focus on God’s love and forgiveness. 2) Try to understand what lust is to a man and how it is not personal. 3) Take every thought captive. Fight the lies of self-doubt with the truth about God’s love and about your husband’s love. Get help with this if you need it. Realize you’re not alone and Satan would love to tear apart your relationship but God wants to make it whole.

      1. Great points here! Thank you for sharing. I know that dealing porn addictions takes a long time for healing to happen.

      2. Wow. Thank you. So much. This is something I will reread.
        I bought that book by Josh Harris before for my son. Maybe I’ll borrow it. Thank you.

  2. Hi Keelie,
    I’m talking about the book “Sex Is Not the Problem, Lust Is” book that BG mentioned in her comment above. Thanks!

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