Earlier this morning, I was reading an article about initiation only counts if your spouse recognizes that you did. Jay Dee made some really great points in here. He’s not the only one that has received emails from readers that talk about how they initiate, but their spouse doesn’t respond.
I am with Jay on this one, I think that one person feels they have initiated, but their spouse doesn’t see it that way. Unfortunately, this leads to a lot of miscommunication between the two and may wind up in hurt feelings.
Why You Need to Initiate
Actually, I talked a lot about this concept on the Delight Your Marriage Podcast with Belah Rose. I shared on that podcast that initiating is very important in your sex life. Also, I gave many tips on how to initiate more.
For one thing, how horrible would it be for you if your spouse never initiated a conversation with you? You would feel that they are not interested in you, right? If the only time they ever talked to you was when you started a conversation, you would feel they didn’t really want to be with you.
If only one person is initiating physical intimacy, it will give them the impression that their spouse is really not interested in them. By not initiating with your spouse, you can give them the idea that you do not love having sex with them, even if you do enjoy it.
Subtlety Leads To Missed Opportunities
I talked about this on Periscope a while back. You can see the replay here on YouTube.
In this scope, I shared about how I had someone leave a comment on the blog about how they were trying to initiate with their spouse and they were rejected. Later on, they had a conversation where they realized they had both been trying to initiate, but sex didn’t happen, because of their subtly.
Like Jay said in his article today, you need to be bold with your initiating. Come right out and say it! Don’t beat around the bush, rather, voice your desires.
Be Bold With Your Initiating
When I decided I would start initiating more, I tried the subtle route. I’ll be honest, I’m not a subtle person, so all of my advances went right over Austin’s head. I’d put on sexy clothes, light candles, spray sex fragrances, or stand between him and the television to get his attention.
The big problem was, my idea of initiating was simply making myself available to him.
Since I had a history of saying, “can we do this tomorrow instead?”, he didn’t see my actions as advances on him. He might have thought I was interested, but tempered that, because he didn’t want to ask me for sex and get hurt again.
I had to get really bold with my initiating. It took time for me to be comfortable with that, but eventually, it became much easier for me. The more you do hard things, the easier they become.
Need some tips initiating sex? Check out this post I wrote with some ideas:
In a survey I ran, I found that women think they initiate a lot more than men give them credit for. 44% of wives claimed that they initiated more than their husbands. Only 14% of husbands said their wives initiated more often. I attribute much of this disconnect to unrecognized initiation.
I’ve also heard it suggested that asking doesn’t count as initiation. “Do you want to?” does not communicate desire but only availability or willingness. It puts the responsibility on the other person. On the other hand, “I want to” or “I want you” clearly states desire and intent. Not sure I agree with that notion 100% but it is an interesting idea.
Yeah, I can totally see how phrasing can discount it as initiating. I think that negotiating sex in marriage is so very hard.
Hey Keelie, you are so positive! I wish I could think like you. My husband doesn’t initiate and I don’t like to anymore because the rejection is hard to take, especially when I read about how much men who love their wives like sex. Mine prefers sleep.
I flirt with him, make suggestive comments. He acts like he cares, acts like he likes me, and then… falls asleep! The other night I wore purple lacy underthings and a tight pink tee shirt. It practically screamed “I want you!” Did he notice? Nope. He fell asleep. I’m not even attractive enough to keep him awake, and it hurts. I feel like the most unwanted woman on earth.
He goes on and on about loving me, and I wish he’d stop. We both know it’s untrue. He called me sexy the other day, and then he got upset when I asked him not to do that. I need to distance myself. His lack of sexual interest in me makes me feel worthless, and his sweet comments are like torture.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent my frustrations. Your suggestions are wonderful for wives who have husbands that are attracted to them. Their husbands will be blessed.
I hate that for you. I will continue to pray that God will work in both of you.