I hear from couples pretty often that they do not have the same drive as their spouse. Oftentimes, one is higher than the other- or at least it seems that way. Negotiating sex in your marriage is not an easy thing, whether you have the same drive or not.
I have a few tips for both the high drive and low drive spouses.
Is Your Drive Actually Opposite?
One thing that Austin and I dealt with in our marriage was a poor timing issue. It seemed to him that I had a lower desire for a number of years. What was really going on, is that I struggled to initiate and his timing wasn’t in sync with my desires.
We struggled in our sex life, because of poor communication. Rarely were we ever in the mood at the exact same time. Since I was the one that would ask for a rain check, I decided it was my responsibility to figure out how to initiate more- and that’s what I did.
It is possible that you and your spouse do not have opposite desires. You might be dealing with a timing issue or other miscommunication.
I’ve had people share with me that they would try to initiate with their spouse, only to be turned down. When they would talk to their spouse, their spouse would say that they didn’t know they were interested in sex.
Before you deem your spouse to have a low drive, figure out if you guys are simply intercommunicating with one another.
Do You Have a Different Sexual Response?
Also, you should consider whether or not you and your spouse have a different type of sexual response. If you get aroused when your spouse isn’t around or at the slightest thought or glance of them, then you likely have a spontaneous desire. You’re going to be more likely to get aroused when nothing is happening when it’s been a few days since you last had sex. And when you do have that feeling, you’re going to want it badly.
A spouse that has a responsive desire usually doesn’t feel aroused until heavy sexual things are happening. By that, I mean, halfway through sex or with direct stimulation. There have been studies on sexual response in men and women and the results have shown the women have a harder time detecting when they are aroused.
Why is that? Well, my personal guess (being that I’m a woman) is that they just have a harder time detecting that their vagina is swollen. And as far as wetness goes, it’s always wet down there so it’s not something a wife is going to pay a lot of attention to necessarily.
So if you are a wife that has a responsive desire, meaning you usually don’t get aroused until you’re in the middle of sex with your husband…you’ve got even more stacked against you because it’s hard to detect your own arousal. What should a husband do in this case? I would say he should point it out. It can be very sexy for a husband to tell his wife that she is swollen, hot, or wet. Consider using this language as part of your bedroom language to bring greater arousal to your spouse.
Sex in marriage is complicated because people are complicated and no two people are the same. Let’s not even mention that your body undergoes changes that keep you from experiencing sex the same way your entire life. I believe that God created sex to be this way so we never stop exploring it with our spouse. Honestly, how can you get bored when you have to switch up what works every couple of years?
For The Higher Drive Spouse
Those of you that have a high desire, I know it can be very frustrating to be turned down by your lover. I’ve known of higher libido people that feel bad about their desires and even pray for God to take the desires away. It can be very hard on them to not have this deep need met by the one person that can meet it.
Share Your Needs With Them
If you are in this position, I encourage you to never grow tired of trying to communicate your needs to your husband or wife. I know it hurts you to put yourself out there over and over and feel like you aren’t getting anywhere. Just like any issue in your marriage, though, you have to address it.
What I’m not suggesting is that you nag your spouse to death or whine that they never spend physical time with you. That will only make them dig their heels in more about it. Instead, go to them and ask them to help you solve this very sensitive problem that you have.
Give them time to work on making the changes needed to help you. This is not something they will fix overnight. It takes years and years to develop a satisfying love life.
Periodically, go back to your husband or wife and let them know about your needs if they haven’t made the changes you were hoping for. Always go into the conversation seeking their help with your problem. Accusing them of not doing what you want them to do will put them on the defense.
I know this is not the quick fix answer you are looking for but rarely do hard issues have easy solutions.
Ask Them How You Can Help Them Feel Ready
It is also important for you to go to your spouse and ask them how you can help them ready to get physical. Part of the problem may be that you aren’t giving them enough of a heads-up about your need.
Consider scheduling your time together. That may not seem like it is very romantic, but it can help a lower desire lover feel prepared if they know what the expectations are.
If they tell you that part of the problem is that they are tired, then do what you can to work with them. As a couple, you should make life choices based on what’s best for your marriage.
For The Lower Drive Spouse
If you find that you are not in the mood very often, then you have some real growth to do in your marriage. It is not ok for you to deny your spouse sexual intimacy. The Bible tells us-
1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”.
Work to Understand Why Your Libido is Low
Having a low libido has many causes, and often can be a combination of things. You may be dealing with shame from sexual abuse or promiscuity in your past. It is possible that you are completely exhausted or stressed, and it’s killed your desire.
Medications and hormones can also play a factor in low libido. Be sure to talk with your doctor about it. I know that isn’t the type of thing that you really want to discuss with someone, but it is to your advantage to find out what’s going on.
Other reasons that your desires are low could be resentment towards your spouse or unresolved issues. Being upset or angry with your husband or wife can keep you from wanting to be intimate.
It is possible that you feel they are being completely selfish because they haven’t stopped to consider your needs. You might be feeling they aren’t meeting your needs in some respect and you feel used when you are together.
Really think through why you are not desiring intimacy. This will help you to address your own issues and work towards increasing your libido.
I know that this is the opposite of what you want to do, but you need to initiate more. This will show your loved one that you love them and want to be with them. It will also help you to mentally prepare yourself for lovemaking.
As a low-libido person, you will have to make conscious efforts to initiate. This will stretch you as a person and help you to be more in tune with meeting your lover’s needs.
Stop Saying No
Unless there is a real reason why you should say no, stop saying it. I’m not saying you can’t ever pass again, but make it few and far between. Do what is necessary to be more available to your lover.
The more you are intimate, the more you will want to have it. The less you are intimate, the less it will happen.
Additional Resources For Every Drive
I follow some great bloggers that have written about these topics. All of these people come from different points of view and have varying desire levels. I hope you will find something that will resonate with your particular circumstance.
It is For Both of You
God made physical intimacy as a gift to those that are married. He didn’t put it into place so that one person can enjoy it while the other doesn’t. He created this activity to bring husband and wife closer together. I hope that you will find a way to embrace this gift you’ve been given.