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Is Having Intercouse Out of Obligation Damaging Your Marriage?

If you are in a marriage with someone that has a higher libido than you, there might be times when you have sex out of obligation. It is not wrong for all individuals to have physical intimacy out of obligation on occasion. The problem becomes when you have a steady diet of obligation sex.

If you are in a marriage with someone that has a higher libido than you, there might be times when you have sex out of obligation. It is not wrong for all individuals to have physical intimacy out of obligation on occasion. The problem becomes when you have a steady diet of obligation sex. 

Is Being Intimate Out of Obligation Ok For Couples

For some people, this works well. It helps them to meet the needs of their loved one. When it is done in a selfless way on occasion, it has its benefits for both people in the marriage.

An individual with a low libido that wants to show their spouse they care through sexual encounters is a good thing. Some people can do this without it affecting them negatively.

Not all romantic relationships benefit from obligation. There is a fair share of marriages where intimate relations out of obligation is damaging. 

Why Having Duty Sex Was Damaging to My Marriage

There have been times in my marriage where I’ve had sex out of obligation. In my marriage, this type of duty is not beneficial. After a few years, I realized how detrimental it was to my relationship. There wasn’t a time that I had duty sex that it didn’t cause me to feel a lot of resentment toward my husband.

One of two things would happen to make me feel resentment.

Sometimes I would start off not being in the mood. Maybe I was tired or not feeling well. Half the time, it would have started feeling good to me right when our time was over. I’d walk away feeling disappointed because I didn’t feel physically satisfied.

I did things to show him love all day.

If I wasn’t in the mood by the time it was over, I’d be mad. It felt like he was one more person in my life taking from me, but not giving back. I have always poured a lot of time and energy into the home.

Every day it is homemade meals to daily chores all while juggling kids. At the start of my marriage, I was doing most of it while he was at school or work.

Why Rejecting Sex Was Damaging My Husband

He felt rejected if he showed interest in being intimate with me and I declined. It wasn’t my intention to make him feel this way, but he did. If he caught me on a night I wasn’t interested, I’d go to him the next day for physical intimacy. That was my way of trying to make him feel better.

Even though I promptly had intimate time with him, the damage had been done. Just the words, “not tonight”, were devastating to him. 

He stopped pursuing me physically to avoid rejection.

By saying no to physical intimacy, I was telling him I didn’t love him. That was never what I was saying. It became a problem that was driving a wedge between us.

When I realized that he was not pursuing me for intimacy, I had to figure out how to want to have more intercourse. I needed to stop feeling resentment for spending time with him out of duty.

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I asked myself why I was saying no

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The low sex drive was my problem, and I needed to fix it. I asked myself why was I telling him “no”. This happened on a weekly basis. I made it a point to never say no more than once a week.

I know I’m not the only one that needs hours to get in the mood. Every night after dinner, I would wonder if we would be intimate that night. I’d read his body language. If he acted flirty, then I knew it would happen.

I Thought He Wasn’t Interested

If he wasn’t giving me the love making signs, then I would assume he wasn’t interested. If he didn’t seem interested, I would keep myself from feeling sexual desire. Just in case he didn’t pursue me, I didn’t want to feel disappointed.

At night we would get ready to get in the bed and suddenly he would be interested. For some reason, he would look over at me as if it were the first time he saw me all day. I would not be ready for being physical at this point. It was time to go to sleep in my mind.

I Took a Proactive Approach To My Sex Life

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I decided it was time I took a more proactive approach. I didn’t want to keep hurting him by saying no. Also, I needed to stop feeling resentment and anger over feeling obligated.

Changed my mindset about intimacy

That is when I decided that every two days, we were going to have sex. I went ahead and told myself, every two days we would be intimate. If he didn’t approach me for intimacy on the second day, I would step outside of my comfort zone and go to him.

I am not suggesting that every couple out there should be together every two days. That is what has worked for our relationship. You need to decide for your own marriage what is best.

Overcoming the Fears of Asking for Sex

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I don’t know about you, but it was really hard to ask for sex. It was hard to admit that I had those needs and I wanted him to fill them. It was necessary for my plan to work.

I had to come up with ways to help myself get in the mood. 

When I decided that we were going to be together more often, it made me get myself in the mood. I couldn’t wait around and hope he would flirt to get me in the mood. I had to make those things happen for myself.

Go HERE to read how I help myself get in the mood on the days I know we will be together.

Through working up my nerve, I figured out how to let him know we needed to spend intimate time together. Over the last few years, it has gotten easier for me to tell him what I need both physically and emotionally.

I encourage you to to look at your marriage and figure out how where you stand. Are you often declining intimacy? If so, why? Are you the one with a higher drive? How is your low drive partner making you feel?

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