Maybe it is because of the age I am, but it seems like a lot of the couples I know have been thinking about and threatening to divorce. It is very sad to see people get to that point in their marriage.
Here are some things I know to be true of divorce:
- Even when you divorce, the problems don’t go away.
- If you get remarried, you will have to work just as hard for that relationship to be successful.
- The pain of divorce is excruciating and will wreck your confidence for a long time.
- If you have kids, you will have to figure out how to co-parent with your ex and their new spouse.
- You have to figure out how to work with your ex for the sake of the kids. That takes as much work as figuring out a marriage.
- You won’t suddenly be happy…you’ll still be devastated for a long time.
- You can work through the pain and find hope on the other side, but it’s going to take a long time.
Some people think that divorce is the fix-all to their problems. The truth is, divorce is just the start of a whole other set of complicated problems.
I’m not saying that there is never a time when a couple should consider going their separate ways. I’ve seen people in abusive situations, and they don’t need to stay there. However, I’ve seen a lot of couples choose to divorce, that could have stayed together and built their marriage into a healthy relationship again.
If you are in a relationship where you are unhappy, it is natural to start thinking about divorce. On the other hand, fantasizing about divorce only harms your relationship. You aren’t doing yourself or your spouse any good by entertaining these thoughts.
When you hit a rough patch in your marriage, the worst thing for you to do is put serious thought into splitting up. If you want any chance of the marriage surviving, those thoughts have to go away.
1. Thinking About Divorce Puts a Wedge Between You
There is no way for you to think about splitting up without it causing you to feel distant from your lover. You are entertaining the thoughts of breaking it off.
2. Over Time You Will Get Used To The Idea
At the start, thinking about divorce is very jolting and painful. Over time, if you are still contemplating it, you get used to the idea. It makes it a lot easier to divorce if you have spent a lot of time dwelling on it. Don’t be fooled into thinking that it will make the separation any easier, but it will make starting the process simpler.
3. You Won’t Give Your Marriage a Fair Chance
When you resign yourself to divorce, you will stop working toward problem resolution. The moment you give up on the marriage, it is the beginning of the end. Entertaining thoughts of divorce will keep you from looking for ways to resolve problems.
4. Divorce Becomes An Ultimatum
Once you have thought about divorce enough, you and your spouse are sure to have conversations about it. All too often, the couple starts threatening each other with divorce. If one person doesn’t do as the other asks, they throw the word divorce into the argument.
The only thing that will come out of fantasizing about divorce…is divorce. I would strongly encourage you to really think through the repercussions of breaking off the commitment you made. Then I would encourage you to work toward a resolution, go to counseling, and not run away from the problem. All couples have stress, issues, rocky times, and tough times. I’ve always been a supporter of couples counseling during the good and the bad, and you can read more about why here. It can be very hard to love your spouse when you’re thinking about divorce, but it’s not impossible. I even wrote a blog on ways to love your spouse when you want to consider calling it quits.
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