Oral sex is a tough topic for married couples, because not everyone feels comfortable with oral sex. Whether they are giving it or receiving it, some people really struggle to feel comfortable. Here is what you can do to feel more comfortable giving and receiving oral sex.
Why Don’t You Feel Comfortable With Oral Sex?
There are plenty of men and women out there that have a hard time with oral sex. It is not unusual to be uncomfortable with the thought of doing this, or even in the act of it.
Top reasons people feel uncomfortable with oral sex:
- Moral Reasons- there are plenty that feel that the only moral way to have sex is through intercourse. Oral play might be perceived as a perverse act by some.
- Worried About Sanitation- this is a very common feeling by people, sanitation. Some can’t get over the thought of putting their mouths, or having their spouse put their mouths down there.
- Past Sexual Abuse- those that have had sexual abuse in the past that involved oral sex will have a hard time feeling comfortable with this. This could go for any movement that reminds the victim of their past.
- Unsure of What to Do- we can all identify with this one at some point or another. No one really knows what to do until they explore on their spouse.
- Just Don’t Feel it is Important- if you have never engaged in this type of play, you may not feel like it is that important.
What are your reasons for feeling uncomfortable with this act? When you know what your concerns are, then you can address them.
Why Consider Engaging If You Are Uncomfortable?
If oral sex is important to your spouse, then it is worth it for you to understand why. Being in a loving relationship means we learn to meet our spouse’s needs. This can mean both physical and emotional needs.
Learning to be comfortable with this sex act may surprise you. You might actually find that your mind is changed and you learn to enjoy it.
What so Great About Oral Sex?
It might be helpful to you to understand what is so great about this type of foreplay. If you have hesitations toward it, knowing that it will be worth it for you as well can help to ease your mind.
Here are some of the great things about oral sex.
- Very Intimate– there is no doubt that this is a very intimate form of foreplay. Your lover has to get close to you in a personal way.
- Shows Trust– in any type of sex, you are showing your spouse that you trust them. Trust is important in your relationship and it can be built through sexual intimacy.
- Visually Stimulating– unlike many positions, you can’t see what is going on. However, with this act, you are able to see everything. This reason alone is why many people enjoy it.
- Physically Feels Good– let’s not forget that oral feels really great when you and your spouse take the time to figure it out. It might not feel the best at first, but with practice, it will get there.
- Conveys Deep Love– when your spouse puts themselves in this position to please you, it can show you how much they love you.
Now that you know some of the great things about this type of play, I will give you some pointers on how to make it more comfortable.
1. Prepare Your Mind to Have Oral Sex
Before you get started, you need to prepare your mind ahead of time. I’m not talking about a few minutes ahead of time either. Give yourself days or weeks, whatever it takes, to mentally be ok with oral.
If you have concerns about it being a moral issue, then you need to reconcile that first. I have never found there to be anything in scripture that prohibits you from engaging in this act, or most acts. The only thing we read is to keep sex between a husband and wife.
For those that experienced sexual abuse in the past, it will take time before you will feel comfortable. In fact, you can expect it to be uncomfortable when you engage in it for quite some time. The hope for you is this, you can overcome the feelings it stirs up in you.
2. Talk To Your Spouse About It Ahead of Time
Once you have made up your mind that you want to receive oral sex from them or give them oral sex, then it is time to talk with your spouse. Help them to understand what your hangups are. You have to give very specific reasons, not just “It makes me feel uncomfortable, so no”.
Give your spouse real reasons you feel uncomfortable and brainstorm together what you both can do to make it a more pleasant experience. Have an understanding that you are going to have to work together for it to be enjoyable. Decide that you will both accept and give feedback graciously toward each other.
3. Start Out Clean- Really Clean
If you have any hang-ups about it being sanitary, then you need to go overboard on the cleanliness. Many people have a hard time with the gross factor of oral sex. This might mean going as far as to take a shower the first few times. Using a wet washcloth or disposable toilet wipes can do just a good a job.
Consider using scented lotions or sprays on your legs or stomach area. This is a good idea if you are worried about strong odors. You do need to avoid spraying or putting lotion on places where your spouse will put their mouth.
4. Go Slow And Work Your Way Up
Whether it is your first time or 1,000th time of giving or receiving oral, it is important to start out slow. You do not want to overstimulate your spouse too fast.
When the giver is going faster than the receiver needs, it can cause the act to be uncomfortable. This is certainly a problem women have much more often than men.
Instead of jumping right into straight to their goodie spot, consider other foreplay moves first. You can start out kissing, and then kiss your way down their body. This will help the receiver be in the mood.
5. Talk While They Are Giving You Oral Sex
It doesn’t matter if this is your first time or 100th time, you will need different types of stimulation. Some people have a hard time giving their spouse instructions, but believe me, they want the instructions.
You might need to tell them to go slower. At some point faster, harder… whatever you need, be ready to tell them. What they are doing might be good, but that doesn’t mean something else wouldn’t be better.
Use your words gently and give instructions. Also, you can point with your hands where it is best.
6. Don’t Be Afraid to Switch Positions
You might start out one way, but need to switch positions part of the way through. If you or your spouse are hitting fatigue, then consider moving around to make it more comfortable.
Some angles feel better then others, so moving positions may be necessary to achieve that. Be willing to move around and speak up if something isn’t working.
Check out the different oral sex positions that Christian Friendly Sex Positions put together.
7. Get in Front of a Mirror
One of the best things about this type of intimacy is that you can see what is happening. Just looking down gives you a really good view of what is going on.
Consider getting in front of a mirror to see other angles. This will help to stimulate you in the moment as well as be precious memories for later on.
8. Look at Your Spouse During Oral Sex
To increase the intimacy you feel with your spouse, look at them as much as possible. This goes for giving and receiving. This is one of the reasons people feel so close when they go with this type of physical affection.
Don’t feel like you have to look at your spouse the entire time, but try to make eye contact some of the time. This will go a long way in helping you feel loved.
9. Read up On Techniques
Check out some of these articles if you want some pointers.
Help for the guys:
Check out the post I wrote on for husband to give their wife oral sex.
El Fury at Married Christian Sex: How to Rub a Clit (oral suggestions as well)
Christian Friendly Sex Positions: Cunnilingus Positions
For the Ladies:
Check out the post that I wrote on tips for wives to give their husbands a blow job.
Here’s a post I wrote on a specific oral sex technique called the frenulum oral sex technique.
J at Hot Holy and Humorous: Oral Sex: How to and Oral Sex: Better to Give Than Receive
Christian Friendly Sex Positions: Fellatio Positions
I hope that this is something you will consider doing with your spouse. It might become something you really enjoy.
Thanks for the link! I’m adding you to our sidebar.
Thanks so much. 🙂 I love reading your site.
Just added you to my blog roll too!
A great resource about oral sex can be found in Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch, chapter 14, Blow Your Mind.
I’ll be sure to check it out
How do we read the rest of the comments? I found something I wanted to read to my husband and now I can’t find it. 🙂
Huh…..I’m not sure! All of the comments are public on this thread. I haven’t deleted anything. 😀
Great advice! And thanks for the shout-out.
It’s true though. Lol