There’s just times in your life that physical intimacy is going to fall by the wayside. Even if you are intentional about your sex life, it will happen. For example- a cross country move will do it. Transitions like that can wreck your routines in the bedroom.
Unfortunately, the longer you go without physical union, the more difficult it can be to get back into the swing of things. Desire can diminish and other things can take priority. This is particularly true for a lower drive spouse.
If you are in this place in your marriage, here are a few things you can try to get back into the swing of things.
Come Up With a Plan
It is very important for you and your spouse to talk about how you are going to have more sex. If you haven’t had this conversation, then you may not even know your spouse’s point of view on the lack of physical intimacy happening in your marriage.
Here’s what you need to talk about:
- When will you be intimate? Be specific about the day and time.
- What will you do with the kids while you are enjoying your time together?
- Where will you steal away to be intimate?
- What do you plan to do during the rendezvous?
- How can you work together to make it happen?
Answering these questions will help you and your spouse get on the same page. The more information you have going into the encounter, the more successful it will be. Developing a real plan will make it much easier to have sex.
Often times I’m asked whether or not planning sex will kill the mood. To be honest, springing sex on a worn out, overwhelmed, stressed spouse isn’t always the best idea. Not everyone is going to respond well to spontaneity in the middle of craziness. I’ve found that having a plan builds anticipation and makes it even better.
Have Intimate Time As Many Days in a Row As Possible
One of the best things you can do to get back in the routine, is to increase your frequency. Have sex as many days in a row as possible. If you have to skip a day, begin again. The more you make love, the more you will want to make love. The desire inside of you will grow, making it a lot easier to make intimate time a priority.
Let Housework Go
I’m not talking about letting go those unrealistic house cleaning goals- I’m talking about the basic necessities. If you don’t have a single dish clean in the whole house, forget about it. It is much more important that you and your spouse make time for intimacy.
Austin and I spent many years with piles and piles of clothes on the couch and dirty dishes lining the counters. I had to learn to let a lot of things go so I could take time for myself.
We no longer struggle with the housework like we once did, but that is simply because our kids do so many chores. They really do a lot to help us out and it’s made a difference.
Be Intimate While the Kids Are Awake
GASP! I can hear you. Yes, I am suggesting you have sex while your kids are still awake. I know what you are thinking, what if they knock on the door? Then you get still and answer them. Once they go away, get back to being intimate.
A good way to limit the interruptions is to find something to entertain your kids. Put on a movie, let them play a video game, send them outside, give them a snack; whatever occupies them.
If you have babies and toddlers, put them in their crib if they are small enough while you take time together. It’s ok if they cry for just a little bit while you and your spouse re-connect. I realize that it might be distracting, so you will need to come up with a solution to tune out their calls.
No, having kids awake isn’t the ideal circumstances to have sex, but it is much better than the alternative. I’ve known a lot of people that have gone through divorce, and I will tell you that every couple I’ve known has confided that they had problems in the bedroom. I’m not saying that’s the reason they didn’t make it, but it stands to reason that it does have something to do with the health of a marriage.
How will you get back into the swing of things with your spouse?