Want to know the truth? Sex is one of the most complicated things in a marriage. I have more people write to me about their sex life than any other concern. It’s a core foundation of our marriage relationship, so why is it so hard?
Right now, while the whole world has shut down, is a great time to figure out why you haven’t spent more time on sex and work to change it.
Why It’s Hard to Make Sex a Priority
This is a loaded question. Some people chalk it up to having a different drive than their spouse. Some couples are going through marital problems and they hardly like each other. Others have huge hangups that they need to work through about their perception of sex.
The one that is most difficult for me is the reader that writes in and says their spouse wants to make it a priority, but it just isn’t happening. If both spouses want to have sex a certain number of times a week, why are they struggling to do so? I think the biggest reason for that is it’s not on their calendar. Hollywood makes us think that sex is supposed to be spontaneous, and a lot of the times, it’s just not.
How to Get in a Rhythm of Having Sex More Often
I had a reader ask me how to get in the rhythm of having sex twice a week. Here’s what I shared with them:
My biggest piece of advice is to schedule it. If you want to make sex happen twice a week, look at the calendar and pick two nights for sex. Then, stick to it. I know that scheduling sex may make it seem forced, but it has huge advantages.
When you look forward to it and plan for it, it takes away the stress of feeling like you have a million things to do that your ignoring. It’s not a fool proof idea though. You both need to be committed to it. It’s like an exercise routine. All the best intentions won’t get you in the gym. It’s sheer determination that this is important and you’ll let other things in life go so you can pursue it.
Also, you both have to be willing to set aside time for you guys to connect, relax, and get in the mood. If one of you is super driven, you have to figure out how to unwind. If one of you needs alone time away from everyone, then you need to make it happen. Together you guys should come up with solutions.
Give Yourself Grace
And lastly, give yourselves grace. There are going to be weeks that pass that keeping your sex schedule will fail. Don’t let it wreck you. Get back on track as soon as you both can. But, some weeks one of you might be sick, or there might be a lot of late nights, or something else.
I dealt with duty sex in the beginning years of our marriage. Mainly it happened once we started having the kids. Here’s what I did to overcome that.