Help for Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Are you in a sexless marriage? In this episode, we talk about ways you can deal with this reality and how you can work towards increasing sex in your marriage. It’s not an easy situation to be in, but we want to give encouragement to those in this position.

Here is the transcript from this episode:

Unknown Speaker
Hey

Unknown Speaker
welcome to the love hoop adventure podcast where we talk about the marriage relationship intimacy in marriage and how you can go deeper with your spouse. And today, we’re talking about a fairly serious subject. I get comments and questions about this all the time for couples that are essentially in a sexless marriage. And I don’t remember the term for what’s defined as a sexless marriage maybe like sex no more than once or twice a month or something. I probably should have looked at it before I got here. Same, right? sexless marriages. It’s not like never having sex.

Unknown Speaker
I thought it was like every six months or something. I mean, I don’t know why I think that

Unknown Speaker
I don’t know. I think that either. I think that. Personally, I think a sexless marriage is one where the sex is so so so infrequent, that maybe one spouse is absolutely not doing well with it. What does it say? Well, me, are you googling it?

Unknown Speaker
I am googling it. The top result from all in therapy. clinic.com says sexless marriage is one in which sex has not happened for one year or more? I

Unknown Speaker
think everyone has a different idea behind it.

Unknown Speaker
Yeah, I mean, yeah, but I feel like once a month is not sexless. I mean, that’s a very, that’s a low frequency. But I mean, there might be some that are that’s that’s their normal level. And that’s fine. And, but But yeah,

Unknown Speaker
I think typically what, you know, if you’re thinking about a sexless marriage, this is a situation where one spouse really wants sex, and the other one is being a gatekeeper. And this is causing the problem for them. And I’m not saying her, you know, the person who doesn’t want to have sex is just giving in.

Unknown Speaker
So beyond the definition, what’s the question that you said you get a lot about, so

Unknown Speaker
I get a lot of questions from spouses that really want their husband or wife to be have sex with them. And the husband or wife doesn’t want to for whatever reason, right? Maybe they are having sex some maybe they’re barely having sex. But either way, though, the one spouse is saying no, a lot. Now, there’s a lot of reasons for this. Sometimes the spouse, maybe is a husband, and he’s dealing with Edie actually get this question pretty often erectile dysfunction, erectile dysfunction.

So he struggles with, he struggles with that. And some, you know, some couples will tell me that they, maybe the husband’s been to the doctor, he’s still really struggling with it. So sex isn’t really happening. And that’s a tough one, you know, especially if he’s really unable to have sex. Sometimes people will write in and tell me that their spouse doesn’t want to have sex because they put on a lot of weight. And they don’t like the way their body looks. You know, that’s so tough.

Unknown Speaker
So they’re saying I’ve put on a lot of Wait. Wait, I thought you were saying like the other way around virtually?

Unknown Speaker
Well, I mean, I think there are people who ran into me that say they’ve put in a lot of weight and their spouse doesn’t want to have sex with them. And then there are people who write in and say, my spouse put on a lot of weight, and they don’t want me to see them.

Unknown Speaker
Thank you. Yeah, it can go both ways. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker
Honestly, there’s like every level of reason out there. I have some people who will say, my spouse would be fine if we never had sex again. Like, they say they can take it or leave it with sex. They don’t ever have the desire. Right. And, you know, I get asked this question. So so often, and it’s tough, because one every situation is completely different.

Absolutely. I mean, nobody has the same exact situation or the same exact reason. But I think that, in general, the advice can, there is like some overarching advice that you can kind of give everybody. And the first thing that I want to say to the person who is feeling frustrated, their spouse won’t have sex with them. I’m sorry, but marriage is really hard, and you can’t force them. I think a lot of people want me to give him like that answer. You know, like if he’s

Unknown Speaker
the silver bullet to say the thing. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker
If you’ll just do this. And we unfortunately, have kind of told, I don’t know, if women have ever been instructed anything but we tell men if they’ll just clean their houses up, their wives will jump them which is just not the case better every Not every Gumball there

Unknown Speaker
might be more to it than that. Yeah, there might be a little bit more to it than just do the dishes and vacuum.

Unknown Speaker
Yeah, I was talking with Bella rose. She is on the delight your marriage podcast. Yeah. So she has this program that she that men go through masculinity reclaimed, I think is what it’s called. And she and I are talking about this where, you know, these men come into the course. And they’re like, Well, I’m doing the dishes, and I’m helping out and I’m doing the thing, and they’re not giving me sex. And first of all, that’s all the wrong motivation for investing in your house. Alright,

Unknown Speaker
I was gonna say you’re already, you’re coming at it from the wrong already come to the wrong

Unknown Speaker
place? Well, I mean, I think that’s part of it, though. Yeah, if you are doing things around your house, or whatever that is, like, maybe it’s something else you think your spouse may want? In order to exchange for sex, you’re missing, like, you’re already like, suspect to your spouse, right? They’re not stupid. They’re gonna kind of see through, like, oh, they do the dishes for that?

Unknown Speaker
Yeah. If it’s, if it’s purely transactional, then, you know, everybody’s different. But for a lot of people, if it’s like, you know, why doesn’t ever do the dishes? Or why doesn’t she ever do this, or whatever part of it is wanting them to do it. Not in order to get something, but just to do it, and I use it, you kind of hit the nail on the head, when you were saying, building your home, you know, and that kind of thing. Like, you know, you and I have our things that we handle around the house.

And if, if, if I’m doing those things to make you happy, or make you do some other thing, or for sex, or whatever, then I’m like, I’m, I’m doing it all for the wrong reasons, I should be investing in the house, like the physical structure, you know, because it’s, it’s where our family lives, and I want to care for everybody and do those kinds of things. But if it’s just transactional, if it’s just, I’ll go cut the grass, so that, you know, man, something might happen a little bit like No, no, that’s, that’s the wrong way to do it. Now.

Sometimes, that happens, sometimes it’s you know, we do have the trope of like, you know, what was the thing out for a while. There’s like a sexy calendar, but it was for women. So instead of being like pinup models in bikinis, it was guys like doing the dishes, vacuuming and stuff like that, you know, so, you know, like, there’s some truth to that. But that shouldn’t be what the purely just

Unknown Speaker
the biggest attraction to a woman is seeing a man take care of the home or whatever. It’s just that they have married a responsible human being. That’s a big part of it. Like, hey, he’s being responsible. And it’s very unattractive when he’s not being responsible. Maybe that not responsibility looks like something different. Everyone’s home, maybe your spouse is overspending. Right? Yeah. Either direction, while Okay, now she feels scared. So does she want to have sex with you, she’s definitely stressed, you know. But if it if it is a situation where you’re trying to do something, and push a button to make them have sex with you, you’re already lost your battle. It’s not

Unknown Speaker
a not a vending machine, that shouldn’t be the way that you’re coming at it.

Unknown Speaker
And I mean, a lot of people ask me, What can I do to get them to have sex or be more interested or whatever? And the truth is nothing. I mean, that you can encourage, and you can you discuss, and you can ask them, Is there anything that you’re doing?

Unknown Speaker
Right? There’s it Yeah, in the end, we tell our kids this all the time. There’s nothing you can do to make someone do something. And if there is, it’s usually evil, it’s usually a bad thing. If you can do something to force someone to do a certain action, you should never be in that position. So not only is it not transactional, it shouldn’t be manipulative, either. You shouldn’t be, you know, how do I how do I make them do X, Y, and Z, you shouldn’t be trying to,

Unknown Speaker
you can’t write, I had somebody write in and ask me, you know, their spouse has put on a lot of weight, and they have terrible self-esteem. And they’re like, I’m trying really hard to encourage my spouse about this situation. They’ve had a lot of medical issues. So they’ve put on weight and everything. So what do I do? How do I help them feel better about themselves or see themselves better? Or whatever? I mean, you can tell your spouse that you think they’re beautiful all day. And I think you should, you know, especially if that’s on your heart, and you really believe it, yeah.

But at the end of the day, they have to make the decision for themselves. You can’t make somebody feel good about themselves. You can set somebody up to feel better about themselves. You can create an environment where they can, where they can do that, right. You can create an environment by being supportive and encouraging.

Unknown Speaker
And you can help someone flourish, but you can’t make them. No, you

Unknown Speaker
cannot make your spouse think they are attractive when they just don’t think that you can’t also can’t make them feel okay with putting up 40 pounds, regardless of the reason they have to make that decision for themselves, they have to decide, you know, I’m gonna give myself Grace here.

Again, it’s all about making people to do these things. And I know the horror of that person, I do like that spouse loves their husband or wife, this is why they’re writing in. And they are trying, they’re trying to get sex just for their own needs, although that that is a big reason. But they’re also doing it because they feel like their relationship is broken. And it is, yeah, that’s the unfortunate thing. But I think there’s a misconception that if sex resumes, the relationship will be fixed.

Unknown Speaker
Right? Right. And I mean, the health of a relationship and the health of the sex life are often linked, but neither one is necessarily going to fix the other. Like, if you’ve got a if you’ve got an ongoing problem in your relationship, it’s, it’s likely to be negatively impacting your sex life. Not always, I mean, we’ve heard from couples that like sex life is great, and everything else is garbage.

So it’s not necessarily always the case. But but, you know, fixing the emotional problem, or the or the financial problem, or the whatever thing is, doesn’t necessarily mean that the sex life just kicked right back into gear. And vice versa. You can’t just like go have a night of amazing sex, and it fixes all of the emotional problems that you’re dealing with. They certainly push and pull each other. But it’s not a it’s not an on off switch, where it just fixes it.

Unknown Speaker
And I don’t know, I feel like so many people don’t say this. But I think you have to expect in your marriage, that you’re going to have a very hard time with your spouse, at some point or another, you just are you are going to have those years periods where you’re not sure why you’re still doing this thing together. And that’s normal. And that’s okay. And it sucks. It sucks. But there’s really no magic pill.

Unknown Speaker
Unfortunately, yeah,

Unknown Speaker
and I think that a lot of people want that though. When I think about relationships that are long lasting and ongoing, and they just so living and breathing. The relationship that you and I had when we were teenagers is nothing like what it is now. It was different. 10 years ago, it was different last year, I’m sure it’s gonna be different next year, whatever there are. Just because you are in a relationship with someone right now where you’re sexless or not having sex as often as you want or whatever else doesn’t mean, you’re always going to be that way.

Right? That means that right now, this is the issue, and maybe you’ll resolve it, or maybe there’s some other issues that are causing it. And that’s where you have to start working towards that resolution, the relationships broken? And yes, it is. It’s destroying you. But I think people associate the feeling of not having sex. I think they’re associating it with not having a need met versus what’s actually happening. They have sorrow for the brokenness in their relationship.

These are not the same things. They have sorrow, not. So because what happens is they come to the spouse and they say, Well, you’re not meeting my needs, you’re not meeting my needs. Well, that just sounds really awful to a spouse. That probably feels the same way. You know, there’s a reason why your husband or wife isn’t having sex with you. Actually, yeah. And it could be that they’re going through their own struggle. I mean, for the husband, who is struggling to have an erection, keep an erection or whatever, is a huge crisis for him. And so having his wife come to him and be like, I’m afraid I just can’t stay married to you, because this isn’t what I signed up for, or, you know, a wife that’s really pressuring him to have sex.

Well, I mean, I don’t know what he can do, maybe just for her, it is definitely causing him to feel more defeated, only leading to greater problems. And on the flip side of that, when you have a spouse who has a lot of insecurities about their body, the way they look, and they don’t feel sexy, the chances are they’re gonna get in a sexual situation and they’re kind of feel worse. So they’re trying to avoid that. And then they feel even worse because their physical issues, whether they’ve put on a lot of weight is now hurting their spouse, which is not what they expected.

So if your husband or wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s really important to put yourself in their position, what’s actually happening here? Like, why, why don’t they want to have sex with me, it might not have anything to do with me at all. It has something to do with me, then I need to fix that. But it could just be something they’re personally going through crisis wise. And it seems very unsupportive to them. If you’re like coming to them and be like, I need my needs, then

Unknown Speaker
what’s the deal,

Unknown Speaker
you’re not meeting my needs, not to laugh at anybody who’s in that position, as now I’m trying to be I want to say, you know, is as heartfelt as I can, I don’t like to see people in pain. No one does, like I mean, I don’t want to see a couple who’s really struggling, who’s going through a lot of brokenness. But at the same time, if you and your spouse will really hunker down, and lean into the struggles you’re dealing with, on the other side of that can be greater intimacy.

And you think about any group that goes through a really trying time together, that’s how it works, right? This is why we go on mission trips, or youth group camp or whatever, we tend people. This is why like, in certain jobs, when a really, really, really tough time happens. On the other side of that is very intimate, deep relationships. And maybe that’s what what this problem in your marriage can do. Right? If you let it you can let it break you.

Unknown Speaker
Yeah. But if you get through to the other side of it, yeah. Yeah, we’re stronger. On the other end,

Unknown Speaker
you can be more, you can have a better, closer, deeper relationship. You know, and I’ve seen that, like, I mean, our closest friends are usually the ones we’ve been through some really rough stuff with. We have personally been through some very difficult few of you. So this kind of situation can, there is hope. But a lot of people lose hope in this situation. And I know, it’s one of the reasons why they reach out to me. So if you are in a in a relationship, where you feel like your marriage is mostly sexless, or just really, really suffering. A couple of things, we think you should do one, you need to go to counseling, yeah, if your spouse won’t go with you go alone. There is marriage counseling, I know it’s expensive, but it’s way more affordable than a divorce. Yep.

But either way, maybe you’re going to uncover some things internally that you need to deal with, that will help you be a more healthy person too. Because, you know, who’s to say it’s all your spouse, that’s the issue. And the other thing is, is that you realize that this very difficult situation you’re going through isn’t hopeless. On the other side, there is hope you can get through it. But you’re going to have to have a lot of patience. And you’re, you’re gonna probably have a lot of time maybe even years where this is still a problem.

But stick around for it, figure out the answers to that, you know, like, what do we need to do? And what do we need to change? Whatever crisis your spouse is going through, eventually, they’ll get through it, you know, and maybe that’ll resolve things, maybe it’s a matter of, you know, something in the relationship itself, and realize you can’t force them to change or to do the things you want them to. And for you personally, understanding your own emotions was actually happening here. I feel rejected, and that makes me feel sad, I have sorrow.

And then find someone that you can confide that in, not in a bash or spouse kind of way, right? But, like I really am hurting here, and I need healing. What can I do to help myself during this time when my spouse is going through their own issues or whatever, and we’re broken? Do you have anything else you want to add? Nope. Awesome. Well, guys, thanks for joining us this week, it checks out I love it. But measure.com Sign up for the newsletter love for the venturebeat.com/newsletter We’ll send you a copy of our free sexy Truth or Dare game. It’s also where we answer all of our weekly questions that people send in, and I usually email those out once a week. Thanks for joining us. We look forward to chatting with you later.