How to be Sexually Adventurous

Do you or your partner want to be more sexually adventurous? This week we’re discussing ways of looking at being adventurous that you can implement in your marriage.

Transcript:

Hey, welcome to the love hope adventure podcast where we talk about the marriage relationship, intimacy in marriage and how you can go deeper with your spouse. And today we’re talking about building sexual adventure in your marriage. So I was actually asked about this recently, and I started talking about, you know, some things with the person who reached out to me because they were saying, oh, you know, things are very boring in our sex life right now. And it’s very routine. Yeah, I get this a lot, actually. And so I started really sort of like evaluating in my own life, have I ever really genuinely felt super bored in our sex life? I mean, yes, sometimes I think things can get routine. And so I started asking myself, okay, what are the ways that you build sexual adventure where you’re not feeling bored or tired. And then I started kind of thinking to myself that I don’t know that it’s really tied to the things you’re doing necessarily, from day to day with sex. But I feel like maybe it’s more along the lines of the lifestyle that you have with your spouse or the relationship and when others gonna be one of those difference of personality type setting.

It could be this is why I want to talk to you about it, because you and I are probably going to come at this very differently. So I’m not saying that there’s never been times where I’ve thought this has been fairly routine or whatever. But I can tell you that those points, everything in life seemed fairly routine. So Well, I was gonna say, does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, I can, I can definitely see how, like getting into a rut in your whole life, could then impact your sex life? And now you’re in a rut in your sex life? Right? I can, I can see that. But I don’t think that that’s the only thing that can cause a rut or what I’m saying,

I’m saying that, you know, how do you build sexual adventure, and I think that you and I probably come at this very differently. As far as building adventure and creating that environment, I think we probably do things differently. And so in this, you know, in this episode, we kind of want to just come at it from a few different perspectives. Because when you are with somebody who doesn’t seem super sexually adventurous, but you’re craving that, like, what are the things that you can start analyzing in your relationship, in your marriage, in your sex life, or whatever, to get them on board to do it? Okay. And I mean, honestly, a lot of times I have the person who has more arousal, they’re more likely the person that is craving sex, they’re craving, variety, and everything, because they just have a different type of sexual appetite than their spouse. And so it’s tough to crave variety, if you are the spouse that isn’t really like wanting sex as much. Does that make sense? Okay, so yeah, so what I think is that so I think we’ve talked about this several times, because I tend to be more along the lines of the sexual responder in our marriage. We’re like something sexual has to be going on something sensual has to be happening. And that thing, I never just have, like desire, I do. But I would say classify myself more as the responder, something sexual has to be happening. So if you were to come to me and be like, oh, I want to try something different and new and whatever. And I’m just like, I’m so tired, and I want to go to bed. You know, I think it’s similar to like, recipes and stuff. Like when I’m starving and hungry. Like this is when I make really amazing recipes. But when I’m not so hungry, and it’s kind of like, just have to cook something. So I just do what I know. And I think that is actually the difference here with sexual adventure, is that if you’re not, like, actively aroused, it’s harder to think about wasn’t just one day, being sexually adventurous is hard, harder than doing what you know, like you said, right. I wrote an article years ago on the on the blog, called the flavors of sex. Oh, yeah. I think I think actually, it was years ago on our other blog that has since gone away, and that post got over on love with potential. Yeah, we’ll have to link it up in the show notes. But the one of the things that I wrote about in there was vanilla. And like, there’s nothing wrong with the vanilla flavor guys, I know, is a flavor. It was a highly sought after flavor for centuries. Now. It’s like, what it doesn’t even have peanut butter in it or something. And that’s the thing like some people like me Like missionary position has become like, a cliche for awful sex life and, uh, like, find what’s wrong with that, you know, and that’s the thing is doing the thing, you know, right, doing vanilla is easy, and it’s comfortable and that kind of thing. And doing something different. I think one of the flavors I wrote about was like, rocky road, you know, like, doing something different and adventurous and challenging is that it is different and challenging. And so you have to, you have to do something, you can’t just fall into the comfortable pattern, right and have adventurous sex, like, that’s not what’s gonna happen. So so first of all, you have to be willing to put in some kind of an effort. And getting back to what you were talking about with sexual responders, versus what was the other side of that coin, oh, mania, spontaneous, desired spouses. If you’re the spontaneous desire to bounce, and you’re the one seeking the adventure, you’re going to have to do the work to help your spouse. Enjoy that and get on board with that, right, because we don’t want to do is be the adventurous one, dragging your spouse along on an adventure. You know, we were talking the other day about all these crazy, big trips that we go on. And we did a big giant trip last year. And unbeknownst to me, one of our kids was telling, you know, there was a variable, and I didn’t know any of that. And now I kind of feel bad about that. But if you’ve ever taken your kids, somewhere that you knew was gonna be a great memory for them, but they weren’t on board. It’s not great, right. And you don’t want to do that to your spouse, you don’t want to drag them along on adventure, you want them to join you on an adventure, you want them to want to go on the adventure with you. So you’ve got to put in some work to do that, and realize that, especially if it’s not, your idea is going to be that adds a whole other layer of challenge to it. Again, if you’re the adventurous one, looking to go charge out into the unknown, you already have challenges ahead of you, your spouse, who maybe is not thinking that maybe isn’t maybe not opposed, but just not thinking about an actively, they have all other layer of challenge to overcome. So like, get ready for that, be be mentally prepared for that. But then, you know, Step on out into it. So it’s tough. And I think that so I know, the way I come at sexual adventure is by just facilitating that, like just facilitating a life that leads to that. And some of that’s my mindset. And some of that is just the relationship that we’ve built. So I always grew up traveling adventure was definitely nothing new to me, I would say you weren’t really a person who was able to travel a whole lot. And so I’m sure that coming at all the trips that I was always planning and stuff, I’m sure there was probably like some part of you that was like, Oh, my gosh, you know, what are we getting into? And that’s kind of what’s happening if you have a person who, who has the frame of mind where they’re willing to be more adventurous and try new things, just in life in general. It makes it easier. And I think that my parents started like putting that in me when I was younger, I wouldn’t necessarily say I was I’m like, not sure how much of this is nature versus nurture. Yeah, like, but my parents worked very hard. Yeah, they instilled in us to face challenges, try new things, whatever, let’s go to new restaurants, let’s try new stuff, you know. So they were always kind of working to get me out of my comfort zone. So I have a fairly big comfort zone for that reason. So you pair that with my nature. And it’s just really big. And so I don’t necessarily think of these things as adventures. But then when it came to sexual things like in the sex adventures, what do I mean by that? And and it was scary, because I didn’t know what to expect or what the expectations are. And it’s just like, go into a new city for the first time you have no idea where you’re going, you don’t know what to expect. And what’s even more difficult is if you’re going to a city with a person who did a lot of research ahead of time and understands where you’re going and now they are basically just guiding you in that. And so I think that for me, I had to change my mindset that this is just another part of trying new things. You know what I mean? Like getting, like going on a trip. It’s the same thing as trying to thinking they’re in the bedroom. There’s going to be a fair amount of UNO’s.

So I was gonna say one thing that we have to address also is What does adventurous mean? What is an adventure? Because you love her adventure, right? Some words that sounded good on some driftwood on our wall, Once Upon a Time turned into a brand. And but I remember sitting down one day and hammering out what does love hope adventure? Mean? Right? I think love was the foundation that we got our marriage on. Hope is that dogged determination, things are gonna get better. And adventure is that wild-eyed look into the unknown that says, what’s over there. And an adventure. Sometimes I think that we, we have expectations. And we think that there is a certain Indical endpoint in goal that we’re headed towards. And if you look at what an adventure truly is, it, it might have an end goal, right, you might have something that you’re moving towards, but you might not ever get there. Or there might be a lot of detours, a lot of side quests along the way. And so if you can approach, being sexually adventurous as saying, we’re gonna, we’re gonna try something new. And we don’t know how it’s gonna go. Yeah, we might not like it, or we might like it, or we might not like it for a long time, you and I cried out, whether it’s in the bedroom or on a vacation or in our live, you know, like, whatever, where we tried something, a new recipe, mixing the metaphors that we tried out and said, Well, now we can say we’ve done that. Right? And so be willing to try something and be okay, if it’s not great. One thing that we’ve recommended when it comes to trying out a new position, trying out a new toy, or trying out a new thing in the bedroom, is what would you say? Try three times? Right, Kylie’s three.

Yeah, because I mean, unless it was really horrible, oh, disaster, like, Okay, this her, we didn’t like it happen ever again. But be willing to try something a couple of times, and be willing to go into it saying, this might not be great the first time. Like, you might try something adventurous. And it blows both your minds immediately the first time and it’s Oh, my gosh, but it might be we, we could do that better next time, we could try that differently next time, it’ll be willing to strike out into the unknown. And that’s going to require some trust, that’s going to require I think, if our conversation today is how to be more sexually adventurous, I think one of the things that you said is maybe introduced adventure into your life, your regular your whole life. One thing I would say is to start building trust. And, you know, start you cannot, you cannot build trust quickly, it does not happen. Trust is built slowly over time. So you got to start now. And that means in just every aspect of your life, but that includes like trust in the bedroom. So that means not doing something that violates your partner’s trust that makes them not feel secure in the bedroom. And whatever that means, right? Whatever that whatever security looks like in that context for your spouse, make sure that you’re never violating that. Because you cannot grab someone’s hand and say, Follow me. There’s no time to explain if they don’t trust you, right. But if they do, and you have a smile on your face when you say, I mean, definitely. If you if you walked in tomorrow night, if he’d walked in the door, you’ve been gone for hours, you walk in the door, you say there’s no time there’s blank, get in the car, and you’re smiling. Ah, I would be so excited. I’d be so I’d be like, yes. What is it? Am I dressed? Okay, let’s do it. But that’s after years of trusting you.

Right? There was definitely a time I think that that would have resulted in you freaking out chatting.

We all grow, you know, but But yeah, that’s the thing is we’ve learned to trust each other. And that right? That’s who you want to go on an adventure with somebody that you trust, somebody that you trust, financially, somebody that you trust to, you know, with your kids, somebody that you trust, with day-to-day responsibilities of just doing life and living in a house together, somebody that you trust in the bedroom, somebody that you trust physically, right, somebody that you trust is not going to harm you and would not let harm come to you if they can at all help it right. If you have that kind of trust in somebody’s going to go on an adventure with you that’s where you want to take so that’s like another part of building that environment. So as a couple you’re you’re working towards experiencing new things together but isn’t necessarily sexual but definitely gets both people out of their comfort zones. Yeah, and well and it could be sexual When it comes, to some of it can be your first step to doing the, the really adventurous thing that you’ve got in your mind is doing a much smaller event is just doing a much smaller new thing, right? Because if you’re feeling like we, this is all new territory, we’ve only ever had vanilla, we don’t even know what’s in Rocky Road. Right, then maybe don’t jump straight to Rocky Road, try chocolate chip. It’s a little different. The metaphor is getting strained here, but you get the point. There, sometimes your travel and ice cream in a recipe.

Absolutely, absolutely try something small. And let that be part of building the trust over time.

I think the other thing that is really helpful at building sexual adventure is the person who is more apprehensive about it should be part of the planning. I think one of the most difficult parts about going on an adventure is when you haven’t, then the person who’s more apprehensive about the adventure should be part of the planning, like so, you know, I used to plan the trips and make all the stuff and I think you know, you just had to get in the car and hope that I did a good job. And making you be a part of that and saying what do you think? Or what do you think? Or am I booking the right place or whatever it makes you part of that decision making classes. And now you’ve got some idea of where to go. I think that sexual adventure in the bedroom if you have a spouse who has a lot of ideas, and usually is the spouse that’s aroused, that has the ideas, because why they’re hungry, and they know what’s going to satisfy the appetite. But if you have the person who needs like the smell of amazing food to come out for their stomachs to grow, they are not I mean, the thought of even having food is kinda like, I don’t think I could eat right now if I had to. But if you are in a place where you’re like helping to plan that sexual adventure, now you have some ideas, write some expectations, you’re pursuing that expectation together, you’re the one wanting to do this, get the other person involved in it. And you know, give them maybe even give them the minimum for your, like an area of responsibility. For this thing we’re going to need, you’re gonna need some lingerie and Alright, I need some sexy clothes. Hi, can you choose those, you know, or something like that this sort of gives them investment in buying it?

Right? Yeah, I think that takes the pressure off, because that’s one of the most difficult parts about adventure is just the unknown. And that can be really exciting. If you’ve got any clue what the adventure is. But like you were saying, you know, you want to know, how am I dressed? Right? Am I at all prepared for this, like some kind of expectation or font, and then there gets this point in the adventure where you both have to go. Alright, well, we have planned as much as we can plan. But beyond this, this is where the adventure part starts. Right? And we’re going into it together. It doesn’t feel like an adventure. If you’ve had, you know, like a fantasy all day long, and you come home and you’re like, I’ve had a fantasy and I’m like, Oh no, what is the face this will be like an adventure, it feels like I have never gonna be able to do whatever that was I was doing in that.

On behalf of that not adventurous. I will I will chime in as an adventurer and say, give him give him some heads up. Give him some Yeah, some clarity. And specifically as far as expectations because I know, there have been times where you’ve looked at me and said, Okay, I feel like you have a plan. I feel like you have an expectation here. Why don’t you let me in on it? To make that happened, rather than, you know, just like whatever’s happened in here. And that can be helpful is to use your words, set, set some expectations, you know, put some things out there so that there’s no disappointment or confusion. Again, it can be very challenging, especially depending on the level of trust the person who has been grabbed by the hand and told there’s no time to explain. Like Alright, hang on pause for just a minute and and explain because guess what, I’m gonna make time for explanation.

It’s really important. Did you do that? Because it’s because you don’t want to scare the other person right like you don’t want you want to foster where adventure can happen. You want to invite your spouse cows into, you know, like, a time with you where you guys conceptually bond. But if your spouse isn’t hungry, and they have no real desire at this moment, they very well may think they’re entering into a sexual situation where this is really just to meet your needs. Yeah, I’m not saying that’s wrong and should never ever occur. But what I am saying is that it’s going to be a lot, it’s going to be more enticing if you’re inviting them to come to be a part of something that you’re both going to really enjoy. Versus Okay, I need you to show up and work now, like we’re going on an adventure, but you’ve got to put on all this work. If you didn’t agree to that work, then even in the midst of it is going to feel like really like adventures, trying to make sure that your fantasy involves everybody.

Yeah, everyone should be happy. And during render, and so I would say that those are some of the things that we recommend to kind of foster that adventure. And maybe you’re not in a place in your marriage or relationship right now we’re adventure in the bedroom is even like on the table, you guys are just struggling to just connect sexually at any point. Sometimes, having a sexual adventure can be that thing that takes you out of that, you know, whatever you’re dealing with sexually. And other times, it can be the thing that causes an issue, I think you really have to like, come at it from, from the right mindset and perspective. So I think that the way that you’ll be most successful, if you’re going to plan a sexual adventure, especially if you’re in a sexual relationship that isn’t happening real often, or there’s a lot of strain, you have to get that other person completely on board, they’ve got to be willing to take initiative in advance. And I know for the spontaneous desire spouse, the thought of planning out something like this, kinda like dampers, that adventure part to them. Because it’s like, oh, my gosh, we’re planning all this out, you know. But if you have ever planned to go on a big trip, you know that, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve planned, there’s going to be a lot of unexpected things happen both good and bad. And so it’s okay, especially at the start, like really fully planning and mapping it out. One of the things that I always like to share with couples that are trying to build sexual adventure is start with a bedroom game. I think for me, and I would tell you that I’m not a huge like game person in general, like, I never thought bedroom games would be something I would ever even consider. But we played one once and I thought, Man, this just took so much pressure off of me. It was it was like it told me what to do. And I didn’t have to think about it. Yeah, I remember that was your big, big takeaway. Yes. You didn’t know what was coming next. So it was very much an adventure, right. But something was in this case, you know, spaces on a on a board told you what to do next, what’s next now, like what to do now? And that takes a lot of the creative burden. On to say, because I remember that was that was your thing was you were like I am like do sexy. Mean, and when you just had these prompts saying do this, do this, do this.

Yeah, it was freeing because I didn’t have to put creative energy into it. I think it would be like if you were to say, booking a tour guide, like that person already mapped that out for you. Now you just go along for the ride. And that’s kind of what I think a bedroom game does is it just provides a guide I think that’s so important for a person who isn’t really sure what’s going to feel good next, right? Like if you ask me what’s gonna feel good next, what should you do next? I don’t know. Like I don’t know. Right? Like it’s at like It’s like asking a person who’s not hungry what they want to eat for dinner. You don’t know anything whatever you want to make, you know, like, I think that the one good thing about bedroom games is like any game that you would like use for a learning situation. You are giving the person the ability to like learn through the games through to play and then now it makes spontaneous thoughts easier because they’ve already like practiced it and been given some ideas and some thoughts and some things like that. But the other cool thing about a game like this, for the person who is a little bit more apprehensive to adventure, is that they could look at the game in advance, and just like anything that they were like, I know they go to dry that they can just mark that off, be like, I’m gonna skip that one. And we’re gonna take these words out of the deck.

Taking that card out of the deck, I think that’s fine. I think what I think that the person who desires more and has those cravings for more adventure in the bedroom, I think for them, it doesn’t necessarily compute the idea of coming across something they wouldn’t necessarily want to try. But if it’s going to put their spouse at ease, to be able to like know what’s coming next, and they should definitely give it a try. And this, this is a good way for both sides to kind of meet in the middle. Yeah, because you have the person who needs to have the plan, they can look at it in advance, and the one who doesn’t want that plan doesn’t have to have any part of it. And so then now both actually have their own version of the adventure. And it makes them both comfortable. So I think, you know, if you’re in that place where you’re trying to build sexual adventure, whether you’re the person who has greater arousal, and just knows what you want, or whatever, and you have a spouse who’s not on board with that, or maybe you’re the spouse who’s like, my husband or wife really wants more out of the bedroom, and I honestly don’t even know where to start or how to give it to them. I think that some of these ideas will definitely help you, we recommend planning in advance, you know, actually getting together about this thing in advance, I mean, you wouldn’t just get in your car and go wherever it Look, we’ve tried that, and it doesn’t usually work out very well, we end up just going to the place, we know, I’m gonna be honest with you. So get them involved, try bedroom games, talk about it, think about it in advance, look at resources together. And all of that planning will actually help you get really excited about it, especially if you’re the responder, now, like something’s actually happening, you’re starting to think about this and dream-like, oh, you know, this could actually be fun or good. And then the other thing that we recommend is that you use any adventure that you have as a learning time. So, you know, we went on this big trip last year. And there’s some things that we definitely learned on that big trip that we were like some parts of are really great and other parts were not. So if we were to do it again, we would make these changes. So when you enter into a sexual adventure with your spouse, this is why we say you should try it a couple times. Because you could go the next time I try this, let’s do this, whatever that is, and then it gives you the ability to, you know, modify it so that it’s more enjoyable. I mean, I can’t think of very many things that we tried right out the gate, they were like this amazing, you know, like most of the time, it’s like, I knew we could probably get it there. It might work. And I think you know, we just want to be candid about that. Because some people, if you don’t ever hear our couples say this, you just only have the movies to rely on. And it seems like everybody’s having a great time the whole time. And it’s like, so just not a case in real sex. At some point during real sex. Somebody’s really not having like that passionate about moments. And you’re like, okay, something’s wrong with me because this is not as exciting to me right now. But in the movies, they’re always painting and excited. So what’s happening?

All right, guys, thanks so much for joining us today. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to us. Keelie I love adventure.com We’ll be glad to answer your questions, check out our website love with adventure.com/shop/shop and check out our bedroom games. The game we were talking about was it’s getting hot in here as still my favorite bedroom game to date. And the other thing we want you to do is to sign up for a newsletter but a love of adventure.com/newsletter this is the best way for you to stay up to date with things that we’re talking about on you know, YouTube, you’re the podcast, our friends that we invite on that kind of thing. So Simon Baron, and thanks so much for joining sitting next to you later.

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6 Responses

    1. Hi Andy! My favorite bedroom game in our shop is this one: https://lovehopeadventure.com/product/getting-hot-couples-bedroom-game/.

      If you like digital games that use an app, consider this app: https://lovehopeadventure.com/intimately-us-app-for-married-couples/

      If you like a physical product, you could try this bed sheet game which is designed similar to my game, it’s getting hot in here. The difference is you have to fill in all the blanks on this bed sheet: https://sheetsandladders.com/?ref=530

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  1. I feel the most frustrating aspect of adventurous sex is men are more inclined to seek newness and seek it through place, wardrobe, variety of physical activity, most of it visual driven, while women are seeking newness through romantic variety. Then you compound that with women needing to feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, free of external demands on their time and it becomes quite the challenge to introduce adventure that meets the criteria of both.

    1. Hi Dan! I don’t fully understand what you mean. There are plenty of wives that like adventurous sex that includes visual stimulation, new positions etc. Help me understand what you mean

      1. What I meant is that men almost always start from a position of near immediate arousal when they begin to think of adventurous sex, especially if exposed to visual elements that tease their libido. Being men, they are also more likely to find adventure and excitement in particular in taking chances; being risky with when, where and how they pursue their sexual adventures as they are with any adventure in general.

        I don’t mean to say women don’t want adventure or aren’t visual to some extent, but that they need to warm up to the adventure, be comfortable with it and, as you suggest, maybe be part of the planning so they don’t worry that he/she won’t be pleased or that somewhere it all may go off the rails if things hit a snag. I do feel they are more wanting of a romance adventure most often, but then I’m not a woman so there is that. I guess what my point about what female sexual adventure may be could be witnessed by the bodice ripper covers of romance publications. It’s about being desired as the object of his affection in a way that does not make them feel at risk as being used, visually discovered in the act, or an object of uncomfortable or unagreed upon experimentation. They like to know the plan or at least feel safe with the planner.

        Guys often take a let’er rip attitude and jump right in figuring it’s not like anything is gonna get broke if it doesn’t work out. We’ll just change things on the fly. That can work when it works, but when it doesn’t the fun goes out of the adventure and it’s a lot more challenging for her to recover than him.

        Need more, or did I just confuse further?

        1. Oh ok. That makes a lot more sense and I definitely see what you’re saying. And I completely understand why a woman needs to be more a part of planning and having the expectations set out from the start. Women are accustomed to being exploited sexually, used as an object of sex whether physically or just mentally, and much more prone to being physically hurt during sexual intercourse than a man. They certainly want to feel like the adventure is going to be safe and mutually beneficial…not a situation where they have to hold their breath and close their eyes and pray for it to be over as soon as possible. Even in the most respectful marriage relationship with a husband that is gentle, a wife can still deal with pain during sex. There’s definitely a lot at play here.

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