When you have a miscarriage, it leaves you searching for answers. Believe me, I’ve been there. The doctors told me that this happens very often, and it’s not uncommon. That didn’t really help me feel any better about my situation.
The first thing I did after I lost my first baby, was to try to find other women who had suffered the same kind of loss. That’s hard to do, because many couples don’t share their experiences. The pain can be too big and too scary to share.
The biggest question on my mind was how to deal with the loss. When you lose a baby through miscarriage, there isn’t always a body to bury. Depending on how far along you are when you lose a baby, many people may not know you were pregnant to begin with.
Finding support can be more difficult because of those obstacles. Here are some of the things I did when I miscarried my first and second child-
Acknowledged That I Was In Fact Pregnant
I wanted so bad for that pregnancy test to be wrong. When I went to the doctor, I wanted him to tell me that I wasn’t actually pregnant. If the test was wrong, then I wouldn’t have to feel the pain.
The first thing I had to do was accept that I had been pregnant, and I no longer was. It had only been a few weeks since I took the test. I was about 8 weeks along.
What amazed me the most is that I felt the absence of my baby. Even though I had only been pregnant for a few months, when the baby was gone, I knew it. At 8 weeks, you hardly feel pregnant. I assure you that after the miscarriage, I knew I was no longer pregnant.
Mourned the Loss With My Husband
Taking time to mourn the death of your child is an important thing. During the days following my miscarriage, I spent time crying with Austin. I don’t remember specifically having any real discussion about what happened, but more just being sad together.
Allowing myself to cry over the loss is what helped me to deal with the emotions. I visualized my unborn child and let the bitterness I felt take hold of me. You know, I think we are made to feel that we should hurry up and get over painful events. But, that never works out well for us. It’s better to embrace the pain and let it take us over.
I Yelled At God About It
I cried out to God in anger about taking my baby. There were a lot of emotions I had to deal with. It was so hard for me to be ok with the what God had for my family.
In the days that followed and I was crying, I just kept asking God over and over, “Why?”. That is always what we want to know. Why?
In His still small voice, the one He uses with me, He asked me, “Don’t you trust me with this baby?”. I wanted to say yes, but I don’t think I could in those moments. Probably one of the hardest things to swallow was that I did not trust the God of the universe to take care of my child.
What a blow that was to deal with. Losing my first child brought some serious control issues I had in front of my face. Sure, sure, I knew that any child God blessed me with, was not really my possession. My head knew that, but my heart was saying something different.
Mentally Named the Baby
I did not know what gender my child was when I miscarried. In my mind, I named the baby something that could be used for a boy or girl.
Later on, I found that Austin had done the same. He named both of the babies we miscarried. We didn’t even talk about it, but we had both given our children a name to refer to in our minds.
Planted Flowers in Honor of My Children
When the summer rolled around, I had had two miscarriages by that point. While I hadn’t been planning on planting an ornamental garden, we had a fertile spot in the ground that needed to be covered up.
I decided to plant flowers in the area and make it look nice. While figuring out the layout, I made sure to plant 2 flowers in honor of my children. I didn’t really share it with the world, but in my mind, I knew what the plants represented.
Hung an Ornament On the Tree in Honor Of the Babies
There was a wonderful family that kept Corbin and Tripp on the day I miscarried the first time. Austin was out of town at school and I was home by myself. It was a very stressful day, and I was struggling to find someone who could take the boys.
Fortunately, a family that we knew in the community were able to take the boys short notice. I told them what happened.
A few days later, the wife brought me a white angel as a memorial for the baby. It was Christmas time, and I hung the angel on the tree that first year. Every year after, I pull it out and Austin and I remember the babies together.
This past year, we told the other boys what the angel stood for. When I miscarried the babies, they were too young to really understand what had happened. This year we took a few minutes to explain it to them.
The Loss Was Painful, But Not Debilitating
It is really important to remember that while a loss is painful, it shouldn’t be debilitating forever. Sure, you are going to be down for a period of time. Give yourself that time. Then, you have to continue living your life.
Regardless if it is a miscarriage or a loss of someone else that you love, you must take the time to mourn. Then, you find ways to remember the person that you have lost.
However, you don’t ever stop living. Will life be different? Sure, but it isn’t over.
There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in times like this. If you have had the loss of a baby, find support in others. Try to reach out to women that have dealt with the loss or find an online community.
Above all else, live your life, but take time to stop and remember the precious life that has gone on.