How to Have Better Sex in Marriage and More of It

Sex is one of the biggest things that couples fight about and I don’t think we say enough about it People write in to me all the time to share their deep hurts and feelings about the lack of intimacy in their marriage. They are crying out for the connection that sex brings in their marriage. 

So, how do you have more sex and create a deeper connection with your spouse? Here are a few things you can try. 

1. Talk to Each Other About Sex

Communication in all areas of your relationship will enhance your sex life. Talking about sex with your partner is a simple way to make your experience more fulfilling. Some people have a hard time talking about sexual needs even with their loved ones. 

Here are three tips I suggest: 

Set Up a Specific Time to Talk to Each Other

Decide a day and time that you can talk about your love life. Give yourself enough time to play out any conversations you have. You might be surprised at how just talking about intimate moments can get you excited. 

Use conversation starters

Not really sure where to get started when talking about your sexual encounters? You can try these 30 sexy questions to ask your spouse from my shop. 

Go Into The Conversation With an Open Mind

Most of us scared that our partners will think we are crazy if we tell them what we really turns us on. It is important that both you and your loved one are honest with your feelings. At the same time, keep an open mind to what they have to say. 

It is normal to feel anxious when talking about personal matters. While discussing, try to stay relaxed. 

2. Understand Your Sexual Response

There are two types of sexual response, spontaneous and responsive. Someone who has a spontaneous desire is easily aroused. Often times, they desire sex throughout the day for no real reason. They may not even be with their spouse at the time. It’s a desire that floods them. 

Someone that has a responsive desire usually requires something sexual to be going on to feel aroused. This is a big challenge for them, because they have to willingly enter a sexual situation without being “in the mood”. If they wait around to get in the mood, it could be days, or not at all. 

Both of you need to understand your own desire and the other person’s desire. Then you can create a gameplan. 

For the responsive desire spouse, here a few things you can do to prepare yourself up for a sexual encounter? 

Develop a Sex Fragrance

Does the smell of your partner’s perfume or cologne turn you on? If so, make that your sex fragrance. Use it every time you have sex with each other and it will train your brain to feel aroused when you smell it. Once you develop your sex fragrance, simply spraying it around the room will help you feel aroused. 

Flirt With Your Spouse

Remember those early days in your relationship where you flirted with each other? Flirting is a great way to get you and your partner in the mood. Here are a few ways you can flirt with your spouse. 

Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay

With our busy lives, foreplay may be one of the last things you want to spend time on, especially if you aren’t in the mood. For the responsive desire spouse, spending time kissing, touching, getting hot and heavy is essential. Use this foreplay generator to get a new foreplay move every time you refresh the page. 

3. Create a Romantic Bedroom

romantic bedroom

Put some effort into creating a romantic environment in your bedroom. This should be a sanctuary for you and your spouse to connect with each other. We have never let the kids spend time in our room for this reason. 

There’s a reason that hotel sex is so hot; the room is nice and clean. Make sure you keep your room straight every day. Also, find ways to decorate your room that feels romantic to you both. 

4. Go to Bed Naked

Simply going to bed naked will increase your chances of having sex with each other. Slipping between the sheets with your love and leaning over for a good night kiss can turn into so much more if you’re already undressed. 

These are a few ways you can have better sex in marriage and more of it. 

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5 Responses

  1. “Most of us scared that our partners will think we are crazy if we tell them what we really turns us on. It is important that both you and your loved one are honest with your feelings.”

    While I think that is a wonderful concept, unfortunately the response may actually be as feared. In my own experience, my now ex-wife was an example of the latter case. One time I shared in writing several ideas that I thought were relatively innocuous. She never responded in writing or verbally. Only one of them ever happened. (Unfortunately, it was not a great success.)

    A more extreme example, indirectly related to the topic, was when I wrote a letter to her describing how I felt about our first experience with me giving her oral sex (this was more than ten years into our marriage, and, although we hadn’t really discussed it, it was clear it had been off-limits). Her response to my letter? “Reading it made me feel sick to my stomach.”

    So, while I’d like to think it’s a great idea, I’d highly recommend discussion of the idea first. If both spouses enthusiastically agree to such a discussion, then it should be safe to proceed. If not, I would suggest the concept be reconsidered again every few months. Hopefully it would be agreeable eventually. If it seems it never will be, perhaps counseling would be a good idea (I’m reluctant to mention that, as my experience with multiple counselors was also quite negative.).

    On a more positive note, I definitely agree with the “sex fragrance” idea. It absolutely works! (Unfortunately, I had a co-worker in close proximity who sometimes wore a very similar fragrance to my ex-wife’s “sex fragrance” during my unwanted divorce. That was very difficult to deal with.)

    1. Yes, I completely agree with you about feeling your spouse out when it comes to in-depth talking about sex. If you don’t already talk about it, then you have to proceed with caution and go really slowly. I love your ideas of re-visting every couple of months to see where you stand at that time.

      Sorry to hear that your marriage ended in divorce. I know that must have been and may still be very painful for you.

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