If you are in a healthy marriage, you understand the importance of sexual intimacy. With busy schedules and raising families, intimate encounters can get lost in the shuffle. You have to be intentional about spending time with your spouse.
Why Focusing on Sex is Challenging
But…what if you don’t have the desire to have sex? What do you do then? Oftentimes, one person in the marriage has a spontaneous desire, meaning they get aroused off and on throughout the day without being intentional. And unfortunately, the other person in the marriage may have a responsive desire. That means they don’t usually feel turned-on until they are in the midst of doing sexual things.
Focusing your attention on physically pleasing your spouse can be a challenge when you don’t have those tingling sensations happening in your private area. It’s like being in the mood to cook when you’re not hungry…it is downright tough.
It is a lot easier to make sex a priority if you are in the mood. More often than not, I have to intentionally prepare myself for a romantic night.
So, what do you do if you’re the responsive desired spouse to get in the mood? Here are some tips I have for you.
What Not To Do To Get In The Mood
Ok before I tell you things you can do to get excited, I want to share with you a few things you should avoid to stimulate you. For one thing, there are couples that use pornography to get excited. This is a very damaging practice for your marriage and also can be highly addictive.
The fantasies you see playing out on screen are just that, fantasies. This is not a realistic picture of a love life. It can breed resentment from one partner or the other for not being able to meet the unreasonable standards.
Anything you do that will cause your spouse to feel unloved should be avoided. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that viewing other naked people or sexual acts is healthy for you.
Another thing you should avoid is fantasizing about sex with another person or asking your spouse to share in those fantasies. Again, this is a habit that invites others into your bed.
What are Healthy Ways to Get Sexually Aroused?
The first thing I want to address is that becoming aroused sexually is healthy and good for your marriage! If you are a person that grew up in a church or with the belief that sex is dirty, then the thought of doing things that will help you feel excited may be hard. Embrace your sexuality as a gift from God to you and your spouse.
There are a lot of ways you can feel turned on and excited. I’m going to give you several ideas and I encourage you to figure out what works best for you.
Be Physically Affectionate With Your Spouse
Physical affection is a sure-fire way to get you in the mood. How often have you gotten done with foreplay and didn’t feel ready to take it further? The problem is when you don’t feel like engaging in physical intimacy.
For many, getting in the mood has to start during the day. You don’t have to be around your spouse to desire sex.
Create a Romantic Atmosphere
For me, romance has a lot to do with the ambiance of the room I’m in. I’ve made a conscious effort to create a romantic environment in my bedroom. Aside from keeping it clean, I have decorated it in such a way that I feel romanced.
There are two strands of white lights buried in sheer curtains that hang over my bed. Soft lighting helps me feel calm and relaxed. Also, there are plenty of candles ready to be lit. We keep battery-operated candles next to the bed.
Instrumental jazz music is another great way to help me feel ready. I’m also partial to certain fragrances. Men’s cologne can be a huge turn-on. I burn candles that put off the right scent.
Fantasize About Your Spouse
During the day, I purposefully think about my husband. This can range from innocent thoughts to more intimate ideas. You should be fantasizing about your partner. Daydreaming about the night to come builds anticipation and excitement.
I also try to do something that shows him I love him. Whether it is making a special dinner or sending a random text during the day. It can be as complicated as I have time for.
Here is a video I did that talks about how you can fantasize about your spouse.
Flirt With Each Other
It is very important to me that I flirt with my husband when he gets home. It helps me feel ready for a romantic night. Not only that, it makes him feel loved.
Think back to how you flirted with one another during your dating days. Remember how your heart used to skip a beat when you brushed your loved one’s arm? Or how you stared into their eyes right before you kissed?
Flirting with your spouse is a great way to feel the romance as well as romance with the other. Everyone has a different idea of what being flirtatious looks like. You have to define that for yourselves.
If you don’t usually initiate sex, then it’s time you try! This can be a very sexually stimulating thing to do because you have to be the one to approach your spouse about having sex. Maybe you don’t feel confident about how you can initiate which may keep you from wanting to try, but the truth is it will probably be very meaningful to your spouse. Everyone wants to be sexually pursued.
Spend Ample Time on Foreplay
Maybe you do not have a lot of time to devote to intimate encounters each time. It is ok to skip out on the foreplay sometimes, but it shouldn’t be ignored. Those moments can be what your daydreams are made of.
A satisfying sex life is comprised of many aspects of your relationship. It isn’t just the physical act, but everything that surrounds it. Fantasizing, flirting, and foreplay goes a long way in helping you feel satisfied.
I believe that the best sex life is one where you both want and pursue sex. Duty sex usually only leads to resentment and can hurt the relationship.
You can read my post HERE about how duty sex can damage your relationship.
These are some of the methods that work for me. You have to figure out what works for you. If the thought of admitting you have sexual needs causes you to feel embarrassed, then that mindset should be addressed.