Letting Go of Resentment in Marriage

Letting Go of Resentment in Marriage

Resentment in marriage is going to happen, because you and your spouse will not always see eye to eye. More often then not, your husband or wife does something that hurts you without meaning to. That doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real and doesn’t have to be worked through.

If you are struggling with this, these are some things you can do to get rid of resentment in marriage.

Understand why you feel the resentment in marriage

This might seem like a no duh situation, but it can be difficult to understand why their actions are bothering you. You know you are hurt by what they are doing, but you might not fully understand why.

Do some soul searching so that you understand yourself fully. Maybe their actions bring up past hurts that you haven’t worked through.

My mom always suggested that I talk through issues I have with a particular person with someone else ahead of time. Talk to a trusted friend about the resentment you feel. They may say things that cause you to gain some perspective. Know that you need someone who will look at it fairly.

Share your feelings with your spouse

You will have better luck with your spouse if you go to them and share with them that you have a problem and you need them to help you with it, verses going to them and demanding they make changes. Let them know you feel resentful when they do the offending action. Then ask them to help you solve this problem, because you don’t want to resent them.

Forgive them

You are forgiven

Whether they are sorry or not for their actions you need to forgive them. Refusing to forgive only causes the resentful feelings to grow inside of you.

Often times, you will find that your spouse didn’t mean to hurt you. When you tell them they have hurt you, they may just dismiss it, because they don’t understand your frustrations. While that is the wrong way to handle it on their part, it doesn’t mean they do not love you. It also doesn’t mean you can’t find a solution to the problem.

Figure out how to stop feeling resentful


It is not your spouse’s job to keep you from feeling resentful. You have to make the necessary changes to let go of the resentment you feel about a behavior or situation, and then keep from feeling that way in the future.

For example, if you feel resentment that you spouse doesn’t buy you things you like on your birthday, then you need to make some changes. You can decided that you will give them a list telling them exactly what you want, or you can go buy it yourself, or something else.

It might not seem fair that you are the one that has to make the changes so that you can stop feeling the resentment. Here’s the thing- resentment destroys you- not them. Fair or not, if you want to be emotionally healthy, you have to do what it takes to stop feeling resentment about the things your spouse is or isn’t doing.

I know it is going to take weeks, months, even years to work through the resentment you feel towards them, but you can get through it and be a healthier couple.

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3 Responses

  1. This is really good advice, especially the part about making changes within yourself. My husband travels a lot for work and then farms in the little time that he’s home, so I often find myself resenting the farm or his family for “taking his time away from me.” It’s not pretty, to say the least. But you’re right, resentment can easily destroy you. I’m slowly learning to let go of the resentment and accept the things that I can’t change. My husband is working hard to provide for our family, and I need to learn to support that.
    I once read that marriage is 100%/100%, not the 50%/50% that so many people fight over. When you think of it like that (both parties need to be fully supporting each other), it’s so much easier to let go of the resentment.

    1. Yeah, I can totally see how you can feel that way. I have felt resentment towards my husband in the past for things. The only real way to get over it is to make those changes in myself, because sometimes, it totally wasn’t his fault. Other times, it was his fault, but I didn’t want to be eaten up with resentment.

      I’ll pray for you to work through those issues you are experiencing. I have also found that finding something to be thankful about my husband on a regular basis helps me to stop feeling resentment towards him.

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