The other day, Austin and I had a reader ask us if it is wrong to masturbate in marriage. They even asked if it would be considered to be cheating for them to do this. It was apparent that they needed to have sex more often than their spouse was willing.
Here are four key takeaways from the blog post:
Communication Is Key: For couples dealing with mismatched sex drives or being physically separated, open and honest communication is crucial. They should discuss their needs and boundaries and work together to foster intimacy in a way that strengthens the marriage.
Masturbation in Marriage Is a Personal Decision: The Bible is not explicitly clear on whether masturbation is right or wrong, and each couple should discuss and agree on whether it is acceptable in their marriage based on their beliefs and boundaries.
Potential Issues with Pornography and Secrecy: Watching porn or engaging in masturbation in secret can be harmful to a marriage. These behaviors can lead to dishonesty and violate trust, which can undermine the relationship.
Masturbation Isn’t Inherently the Problem: Mutual masturbation can enhance intimacy when shared between partners. The issue arises when it replaces physical and emotional intimacy or becomes a way to avoid resolving marital challenges.
Is Masturbating in Marriage Wrong?
We started with clarifying what the Bible has to say about masturbating- and here’s the thing: we don’t think the Bible is clear on this. Some marriage bloggers advocate for masturbation as a way of removing temptation and other marriage bloggers who feel the Bible is definitively against this practice.
In our opinion, we think each couple has to come to an agreement together about whether or not this is ok in their marriage. There are some Biblical principles that can help you decide if this is wrong in your marriage.
There are two reasons that we could think of where masturbating in marriage could lead to sin for you.
Watching Porn
Many times, this sex act is done alone while watching porn. There are scriptures that talk about not looking at others in their nakedness. Viewing porn is a sin and if you are looking at it, then this is where you are wrong.
Take Care of Yourself in Secret
The other thing that happens in marriage, is that one spouse will sneak off to masturbate. Keeping secrets and lying to your spouse is wrong. Going off and taking care of yourself in secret, even if porn isn’t involved is sin.
Masturbating Isn’t The Problem
Masturbating itself is not the problem. In fact, mutual masturbation can be a great thing to add into your sex life with your spouse. When you are both together and pleasing yourselves in front of the other as a way of building intimacy, that can be great.
If you are using a new toy and trying to teach your spouse, or want to add to the visuals, this can be a really exciting act.
The problem with masturbating is when it replaces intimacy in your marriage. Even, if your spouse is ok with you taking care of yourself so they don’t have to, it’s not a good idea.
Relieving the Pressure Can Harm Your Marriage
Many times in marriage, you have one spouse that is high drive and one that is lower drive. If the higher drive spouse takes care of themselves, they will not have the motivation to work through the intimacy issues in their marriage.
I hear many heartbreaking stories from men and women that are in sexless marriages. My heart goes out to them. Many have resigned themselves to taking care of themselves for the sake of their sanity. I get that.
What I encourage you to do, instead, is to continue to go to your spouse and share your needs. Be sure that you present them the problem you are having and ask them in earnest to help you figure out the solution. Also, you have to be willing to admit where you are failing them on meeting their needs.
What About Masturbating While Away From Each Other?
This is not a question that I can answer for your marriage. If you and your spouse are separated for whatever the reason, the two of you guys need to decide how you will handle it. Have the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about it.
If you decide that taking care of your needs while away from one another is ok in your marriage, you need to come up with ground rules. Be clear that no porn is to be involved. You may decide that these sessions are to be done while on the phone. Or you may want to have some other form of accountability with one another.
What Will Add To Your Intimacy In Marriage?
The real question to ask in marriage is, “What will add to the intimacy between us?”. Many times, we focus on right and wrong too much. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t ever put down hard lines on what is right and wrong.
What I am saying, is that there is more to life than just being right or wrong. The real focus needs to be on fostering intimacy in your relationship.
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9 comments
Matt in Oklahoma
So we made our own porn. It’s not shared outside the marriage. We’ve had fun and laughed doing it. We’ve enjoyed it during and later. It keeps things between us without outside influence.
Masturbating is one of those things that’s put on people as wrong when it’s not. It’s one of those many things that drives people away from the church as well because it’s man/woman driven not scripture. Much like drinking.
Communication is key in this.
When you get to where you can talk openly with each other about these things I found my sex life improved immensely from 20 years of sexless to absolutely mind blowing. I hope the same happens for yall.
Keelie Reason
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
Anonymous
Do you have any articles or posts about how a wife can give her husband a handjob in case I get lucky one of these days?
Sincerely,
Sexually Frustrated
Keelie Reason
Hi sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this. I do not personally have any articles on this, but you can go to the Marriage Bed Tips here and see all the articles they have on this topic https://www.marriagebed.tips/?s=hand+job
Anonymous
Thanks for posting a much needed question. Since I’m currently in a sexless marriage (my wife’s health issues won’t even allow her to give me manual stimulation, let alone intercourse) I often please myself in her presence, sometimes when she’s not. She has no problem with me doing this and I also think porn is sinful and don’t engage in that. Don’t know what else to do quite honestly. If she is unable to give me a handjob I have to do it myself. Praying for us to get back to sexual intimacy as marriage was intended in the first place.🙏
Keelie Reason
Sorry to hear this. I hope things return for you one day.
Jerry
When I go take the time to take a bath, instead of a shower, my wife knows and we have talked about my bath time. I tell her I am going to take a bath, and she understands that during this private time I will relax and masturbate in the tub and use her good smelling body wash on my entire body. It always ends with a soothing private orgasm where I will ejaculate without her. She understands that this is a part of our intimacy with each other, and that I only do it occasionally without my phone or any pornography.
Keelie Reason
As long as you and your spouse are open about this, I think that it can stimulate intimacy in the marriage. But when it takes away, that’s when it’s wrong for a couple.
mahatma
I agree it’s not good to use porn to masturbate but not for the reasons you posit. I am a frequent and uninhibited masturbator who is also married. The one rule I have is not to masturbate while watching porn. True I enjoy watching porn especially masturbation porn but don’t masturbate while watching it. Too much porn watching makes for a less enjoyable masturbation experience.
Sometimes like to watch porn, build up my excitement and then go do something altogether different, e.g. mow the lawn. Then come bedtime, I like to pick up where I left off using fantasy. I find the earlier pent up excitement comes back and results in a more copious and intense ejaculation. Sometimes I like to rub the frenulum which seems not to require much in the way of fantasy and results in a different kind or orgasm.
my wife knows I masturbate and only asks that I be discreet, i.e. not leave semen-stained items in the laundry (I always rinse them out in cold water) or ejaculate directly on the sheets.