My Struggle With Sex in Our Early Years

When we started having kids, things changed a lot for me. I was exhausted. It was an exhaustion I had never felt before. And I’m a hard worker. Really hard worker. But motherhood really took it out of me.

Our Sex Life Struggles in The Early Years

We struggled with several things in our sex life. For one, Austin loves to go to bed later than I do. As you can imagine, being a sleep deprived momma, going to the bedroom late and having sex was hard on me.

The other major problem that we had was that I would not initiate. It made me feel really uncomfortable to initiate, even though I’m an extreme extrovert (99% extroverted on the 16 personalities test). It’s so crazy that even as extroverted as I am, that I had a hard time admitting I wanted or needed sex.

I’m a Sexual Responder

Another issue we deal with to this day is that I am a sexual responder. Austin is a sexual pursuer. These are terms coined by my friend Jay Dee. He’s a sexual pursuer and his wife is a sexual responder.

I’m a sexual responder, meaning, I don’t feel aroused unless something sexual is happening. And even then, being able to identify what is happening in my body is hard. There are studies that show women’s body will show signs of sexual arousal, but they don’t even realize it is happening at the start.

He’s a Sexual Pursuer

Since Austin is a sexual pursuer, he couldn’t understand why I was never “in the mood”. Because of that, when I agreed to have sex with him, every conversation started out like this, “Is this for both of us or just me?”. He wanted to know, should I hold off so you can reach climax or can I just go for it.

I didn’t understand my own sex drive, I would gauge the way I was feeling with a cold engine. I would say it was just for him about 3 times out of 4. Then, I would get really frustrated because I realized way too late in the session that I was, in fact, interested in getting there. But, it was too late and I would go without. Since I couldn’t initiate or admit I was excited, I couldn’t even tell him I wanted him to do something to help me get there afterward.

I was talking with my friend Bonny, who writes to low libido wives. She wrote about mislabeling your libido as low instead of understanding your sexual response. 

Sexual Rejection

stop sign in a grass field

There were times when I would say “not tonight” when I was approached for sex. This caused Austin to feel rejected. Even though I would always try to initiate the next day, the damage was done.   

In his mind, I had rejected him. In my mind, I was asking if we could wait until it was a better time for me. I felt like I wasn’t being heard or understood and he felt the same way. 

We Both Felt Resentment

A lot of resentment started to set in for both of us. I resented that he wanted sex when it wasn’t at a good time for me. Also, since 3 times out of 4 wasn’t for my enjoyment, it made me feel frustrated.

Even though I was busting my butt for our family, I felt like it wasn’t enough, because this was an area of our marriage that I was failing. No matter how much I did, it felt like it was never enough because I wasn’t able to say yes every time. 

He felt resentment, too. I wasn’t able to see his true need for sexual intimacy. I like what Bonny says to a wife about what sex means to their husband.

He Gave Me Space

What ended up happening is that Austin made noticeable efforts to leave me alone and give me space. It really bothered me a lot and I realized there was a problem that I had to do something about. He didn’t want to come across as unloving and continually push me. So, he took a few steps back.  

I Worked on Me

I made real changes in my own attitude. First, I knew I had to figure out how to initiate sex. I knew I had to take sex off of my chore list and make it an integral part of my relationship. 

Another change I made was about orgasming. I started expecting to orgasm every time we had sex. Instead of saying ahead of time I wasn’t going to try, I made the decision to try every time. Because of that, I got to the point where I was able to climax every time.

I Enjoyed Sex More

Once I mastered initiating, I looked for ways to be more enthusiastic while having sex. Rather than just lay there and wait for things to happen, I took an active approach. I started having more fun and enjoying our time together. Instead of seeing it as a chore, I saw it as a retreat from the normal things in life. 

Eventually, my desire to be more enthusiastic in the bedroom led to me finding The Dating Divas. They were the sole inspiration for the first bedroom game Austin and I created, which turned into a passion for creating bedroom games. It completely revolutionized our sex life, even though we were having great sex at the time.

That’s a rundown of the struggles we dealt with. What are your struggles? If you want to share them with me, email me at [email protected] Or, if you feel comfortable and want to let others know, you can leave a comment.

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3 Responses

  1. ‘There were times when I would say “not tonight” when I was approached for sex. This caused Austin to feel rejected. Even though I would always try to initiate the next day, the damage was done.

    In his mind, I had rejected him. In my mind, I was asking if we could wait until it was a better time for me. I felt like I wasn’t being heard or understood and he felt the same way. ‘

    That is déjà vu for me. The difference being that my now ex-wife would claim she would initiate the next day, but she often didn’t, adding further feelings of rejection. I am glad that you chose to change and improve. That was not the case in my marriage.

    It continues to amaze me how many Christian women do not understand why this has such great impact on their husbands and thus their marriage. I suspect it is the poor teaching of so many highly-esteemed women leaders in Christian ministry. Please keep up your efforts to counter that and help marriages survive and thrive.

    1. Thanks so much! I wonder if your ex wife thought she was initiating but wasn’t coming right out and saying it. I did a lot of things I considered to be initiating, but Austin had no idea. I’d try to wear certain clothes, or distract his attention from the tv, rub on him a certain way, or try to flirt. But, because he had been rejected so much from me, he didn’t take those things to mean that I was initiating. He didn’t want to get his hopes up and feel shattered about it again. He didn’t respond to those subtle things at all, and it would hurt my feelings because I felt like he wasn’t paying attention to me. It took a whole lot for me to come right out and say what I wanted.

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