I know what you are thinking- I have way more than one thing I need to work on in my marriage. If you sat down and wrote out the number of problems in your marriage, it might be completely overwhelming to you.
It’s like the problems just seem to compound over the course of time. When a problem is left unresolved, it festers. You can’t get your spouse to understand where you are coming from or what you need from them. Then the resentment sets in.
As the resentment grows, you have less and less patience for things. Maybe you have always been frustrated that they never clean up the office or put the dishes in the sink when you want them on the counter. It’s a lot easier to overlook those annoyances when you are generally happy with them.
The problem comes in when you are not generally happy with your spouse. You’ve allowed resentment to fill your heart. Everything they do is bothersome to you, which leads to a lot of fighting and hurt feelings; in turn, leading to more fighting and more hurt feelings.
What’s One Thing In Your Marriage That Needs To Improve?
What you can do, is commit to changing one thing and sticking with it. What do I mean by this? Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t mean. What I don’t mean is that you go to your spouse and try to force them to change something. You can’t.
If you want something to change in your marriage, then you have to take a step to make the change you need to make, even if it is not reciprocated by your spouse. I hear you, “It’s not fair that I have to be the one to make the change. They did ______”.
What Mindset Changes Do You Need To Make?
Very often, if you will change your mindset and how you look at the other person, it will help you make big improvements in your marriage. I don’t know what changes you need to make in your behavior and mindset. This is where you will need to take a look internally.
Maybe you need to-
- Overlook something they do that annoys you.
- Be nice to them, even during a fight.
- Stop doing the thing that you know hurts them.
- Forgive them for something they did to you.
- Change your negative attitude about them into a positive one.
- Be physically affectionate, even when you don’t feel like it.
- Give them the benefit of the doubt.
- See things from their perspective.
- Do something they want you to do that you’ve been putting off.
- Be more emotionally available to them.
- Respect their requests.
- Stop dismissing their complaints about you and their feelings.
- Identify issues within yourself that you need to change.
You cannot change the other person, but you can change yourself. That is where you have to focus, especially if you are at an impasse with them.
Pick One Area Of Your Marriage To Work On
Just start with one area. Maybe you and your spouse fight all the time. Then work on getting to the root of what’s causing the fights. Or, commit to fighting in a way that actually helps your marriage instead of hurting it. Maybe you all struggle with communication in general. Then find ways to improve your communication and listening skills.
I’m not going to pretend that it isn’t hard to make a change, especially if your spouse isn’t doing what you think they should do. It’s really easy to think that you are the one doing all of the work and they aren’t doing anything. Truthfully, you have no idea what is going on in their heart.
Instead of worrying about all the things they are not doing, just worry about yourself and what you are not doing. Figure out how you can be more like Christ every day.
What If They Are Actively Hurting Me?
If you’re in a marriage where your spouse is emotionally or physically abusive towards you, then intervention is necessary. This is not a situation where you should change your behavior, mindset, etc., and turn a blind eye to their actions….and just hope they change one day. Put boundaries in place, and don’t hesitate to find a way out of that situation.
This is just a reminder that the blogs I write are not for every couple in every situation. Generally, most of the advice I share is for couples that are relatively healthy individuals that are not abusing their spouse.
But if you’re in a marriage where it’s healthy, I hope you will commit to making changes. I encourage you to pray for a heart change in yourself. Don’t allow yourself to resent your spouse more because you are making changes and you think they are not. Pray that God will humble you.
