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Why Making My Bed Is Good For My Marriage

why making my bed is good for my marriage

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t very good at keeping my room straight when I was growing up. If you have ever been in my home, then that would probably surprise you. For the most part, we keep our house straight.

Having a welcoming environment is very important to me. I don’t just keep the house clean for the sake of company, but mainly for the sake of me and my family.

When the house is straight, I want to be in it. If it is in disarray, I want to go somewhere else. It is almost impossible for me to relax and feel comfortable if things aren’t clean enough.

Not only do I live in my house, but I work from home too. It is very hard for me to clock out at the end of the night. That is why it is infinitely important that I keep my room clean.

I was not a bed maker when I was growing up. My thoughts were, “why bother since I will just unmake it tonight?”. Now that I am married, there are many reasons why I bother making my bed each morning.

Makes My Room a Place to Relax

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Having a clean room makes me feel more comfortable and able to relax. Even if the rest of the house is a mess when I go to bed, as long as my room is clean, I can feel calm. Being relaxed is key when it comes to enjoying sex.

Making the Bed Reminds Me to Keep My Room Clean

Making my bed each day is exactly what I need to remind me to keep my room clean. Instead of piling clothes all over the bed or trunk, I want to put them away. My bed looks pretty, and I want to keep it that way.

Day Sex is Easier

Since my bed is made first thing in the morning, it is ready to go anytime of the day. If the opportunity arises during the day and the bed is a wreck, that will make a romp much more difficult. When the bed is made, it is inviting and makes spur of the moment intimacy easier.

Keeps My Room Romantic

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An unmade bed is not very romantic or sexy. It is my goal to make my room as romantic as possible and keep it that way at all times. My bedroom has a few very specific purposes…mostly sex and sleep. Of course I use my room to get dressed and other practical things like that.

 

However, it is my main goal to keep my bedroom set apart for connecting with my husband. It is very important that we have a safe place where we can be intimate and open with each other.

Making my bed every day has been very beneficial to my marriage. An inviting bedroom is key for me when it comes to connecting intimately.

What About You? Do You Make Your Bed Every Day?

What We Focus On When Celebrating Our Anniversary

what we focus on when celebrating our anniversary

Tomorrow, I’ll have been married for a total of 12 years. Austin’s and my journey started when we were teenagers and it has only grown since then. We’ve been together for a total of 17 years, which is a very long time to be celebrating anniversaries.

When we were dating, we made sure we went on a special date and gave each other meaningful gifts. That went on into our first few years of marriage. Once kids came along, it made it more difficult to do as much for our anniversary.

Celebrating Our Anniversary

My oldest son was born on June 18 and my youngest was born on June 1. Our anniversary is sandwiched by kid’s birthdays and everything that goes along with that. Also, Austin’s birthday is in May, and we have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day all close together.

Having the ability to make a big fuss over our anniversary is not something we can do with our time and budget constraints. That doesn’t mean that we should ignore the day or not celebrate.

What We Focus On

Regardless of what we do on in celebration of our anniversary, there are a few things we always focus on. We put our biggest focus on each other and our marriage. As long as we do these few things, our day is special.

We Engage in Physical Intimacy

I can’t imagine an anniversary without being physically intimate with my lover. That is a main thing that sets apart our relationship from our other relationships. Of all days, this is a day we should spend time focusing on pleasing each other physically.

Now, I know that there have been times in which my cycle has interrupted that, but we find a way to work around it. We postpone the anniversary celebrations or do the best we can with other means.

Playing a bedroom game is always a fun way to engage with one another. I have several free games on my website that you can check out. The most popular games on my blog are:

Sexy Truth or Dare

Picture Dares For Couples

My personal favorite bedroom game is:

It’s Getting Hot in Heresexy bedroom game for couples

I don’t think that one is getting as much love, because it doesn’t have words that are as searchable as the top two. I also have a few other bedroom games that you can find links to in the sexy truth or dare post.

We Reminisce About The Good Times

In my opinion, it is really important to talk about the good times that you and your spouse have experienced. Austin and I have been known to pull out old pics from our dating years, wedding day, or early years of marriage.

Reminiscing about how we fell in love or other things we did that were fun and exciting makes my heart feel closer to him. It is really amazing to look back at our years together and see how far we’ve come.

The unwritten rule on our anniversary is to keep the conversations about our love for each other and ways we’ve expressed it over the years. Sometimes, we remind the other why we fell in love with them in the first place.

Coffee is Almost Always Involved

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Austin and I have a deep love for one another, and a deep love for coffee! We spent so much time in our dating years sitting in Barnes and Nobles sipping a cup of coffee together. I am sure if we went back and tallied up the amount of money we spent on Starbucks coffee, it would be shameful.

Those years sitting in the Barnes and Nobles in Greenbrier brings back so many memories. Even though we lived in a big city, every time we sat in the cafe’, we would run into friends. It was a place we connected with each other and with other people.

Sitting down with a cup of coffee is still a way that we connect, even if it isn’t in the cafe’ of a Barnes and Nobles. As part of our anniversary celebration, there is usually coffee involved at some point.

These are the main things we focus on when we celebrate our special day. You don’t have to spend a lot of money or go somewhere extravagant to show your spouse that you love them. I encourage you that on your anniversary, that you will figure out what is most important to your marriage and focus on it.

A Word of Encouragement

 

a word of encouragment

I try to get as personal and honest as I can here on the blog. I know that I have a lot of new followers, and most of you do not know me in person. That is why I think it is so important that I’m as transparent as I can be with you in my posts.

It’s Been a Rough Week

This has been a very trying week around here. I know you have had weeks where you were glad to see them go. That is how I’ve felt about this week for the most part.

The trouble is, the issues I’ve dealt with this week will not quickly go away. I am in it for the long haul on some of the issues I’m dealing with. I’ve had several months of intense struggles and it doesn’t seem to be lightening up for a while.

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This afternoon, I was overwhelmed with the presence of God. I had gone to McDonald’s to write for a little while so that I could focus on some projects. While I was there, I felt very burdened about several situations that I’m dealing with. 

I Have Been Praying All Afternoon

On the way home, I began praying about these problems. I’ve been praying a lot lately and the Lord has kept me on my knees in humility to Him. I asked Him over and over to give me wisdom to know how to handle these situations. Also, I asked Him to rejuvenate me and give me the encouragement to keep moving forward.

For more than an hour, I felt overwhelmed and in distress. After praying, I did feel a bit more calm, which was a relief. 

I checked my phone to see what time it was, and noticed I had a notification from my Bible app. It will occasionally send me verses that are not my verse of the day. I’m not sure what these extra verses are, but I’m always happy for them. 

The verse it showed me was Isaiah 48:17 which says: 

This is what the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel says: I am Yahweh your God, who teaches you for your benefit, who leads you in the way you should go.

Receiving that verse was a huge encouragement to me. It is just like God to use something that is seemingly generated at random to speak to me in a calming way.

My verse of the day has really been an encouragement to me on more than one occasion. I can see it anytime I pull up my phone.

I just thought it would be encouraging to you for me to share how the Lord has been speaking to me today. I know that it is encouraging me to hear how God is working in other’s lives. 

What About You? Has Anything Encouraging Happened in Your Week?

How to Use Physical Intimacy as a Springboard Into a Deeper Friendship

how to use your sex life as a springboard into a deeper friendship

I’ll be honest here, I have no idea why my husband and I work together. If you know us outside of the blog, then you will know we are very opposite in just about every way. Our personalities are opposite as well as our interest in things.

We are living proof that opposites attract and that it can work well. Sure, there are some really frustrating and annoying parts to being married to someone that is your opposite, but for the most part we balance each other out.

Being friends with your spouse is not an easy thing. This is why I’m starting a series of blog posts that will address how to be better friends. Today I want to address how your sex life can be used as a springboard into a deeper friendship.

Start With Physical Intimacy

If you are struggling to enjoy things together as a couple, the best place to start is the bedroom. I know that for women, this might be a bit harder because they normally need to feel mentally connected to their spouse to have sex. However, you have to start the cycle somewhere.

You can check out JayDee over at Sex Within Marriage has to say about the cycle of sex.

When you experience orgasm, it releases a bonding chemical in your brain. You feel closer to your spouse and more in love with them. For that reason, I say working on your physical life together is a good place to start with becoming closer friends.

Connect in the Bedroom

 

Whether or not you and your spouse have many shared activities you enjoy, being together physically can be one of those activities that is highly beneficial to you both. This is literally the only activity that you can experience with your spouse and no one else.

Sure, you and your spouse can go for runs together, but you can do that with your other friends, too. However, friends with “benefits” is frowned upon when you are married….unless of course the friend is your spouse. 😀

Now, before I go on, I want to be clear that connecting in the bedroom is not merely just having sex. That actual act of going at it takes a very short time. To really connect in the bedroom, you need to add in foreplay and bonding activities.

Again, remember your spouse is the only person you get to do this type of activity with. It is a very special aspect of your relationship.

Find Ways to Bond More During Physical Intimacy

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I don’t have a step by step instruction guide of how to bond during sex. For the most part, that has to be figured out between you and your spouse.

One thing I enjoy is couples bedroom games. I’ve put together several games with free printables that you can check out.

 

Couples Truth or Dare

Kissing Game

Picture Dare Game

It’s Getting Hot in Here

These games are all foreplay games. They tell you exactly what to do with each other. I’ve enjoyed these types of games because it gives me more confidence. Coming up with something sexy to do on the spot is never easy.

You and your partner need to figure out ways to make sex last longer. If bedroom games aren’t your thing, then find something that is. Whatever you do, make sure you are intentionally prolonging the time on a regular basis.

By regular basis, I mean as close to weekly as possible. If you were investing in some other activity together, you would do it on a weekly basis. Am I right?

Resources to Help You Go Deeper With Intimacy

Building intimacy in your marriage is a difficult thing to do. Starting in the bedroom is a great place. However, some people do not know how to take it to the next level.

Here are some resources that may help you out with bonding during these intimate times.

J over at Hot Holy and Humorous writes about 3 Barriers to Communicating With Your Spouse About Sex

Gaye over at Calm Healthy Sexy writes about Essential Oils and Sensuality

Tammy over at Married and Naked writes about 5 Sexy Date Nights That Will Heat Things Up

Shelia over at To Love Honor and Vacuum writes about How to Initiate Sex

Hopefully some of these articles will help you to figure out ways to bond more during physical times.

Where to Go After You Bond in the Bedroom

After you really figure out how to bond during sex, you can start working outside of this time to develop a closer relationship with your partner. Since you already have this shared experience, it will make it easier to desire doing things together. The more you feel connected to your lover, the more you will want to know them.

Taking it to the next level is going to take intentional efforts just like you have done with developing a better sex life. 

In this series I will talk about:

How Flirting Can Benefit Your Friendship

Steering Your Conversations

Developing Separate Interests

I will continue writing posts that address ways to keep your friendship alive in your marriage. I hope you will join me on this journey.

Can Your Beauty Routine Have a Negative Affect on You?

can your beauty routine have a negative affect on you

I’m in the middle of a How to Feel Beautiful series here on the blog. I’m 6 articles deep with 1 more to go. Before I finish up the series, I want to break away from it for a minute and talk with you about something that has been weighing on my mind.

How to Feel Beautiful, Not How to Look Beautiful

I started the how to feel beautiful series so that I could help women to see the beauty they already posses. If you have read along and taken my challenges, you’ll notice that my challenges have nothing to do with changing your appearance.

My goal is to help women to understand that they are beautiful as they are. Until you believe that you are beautiful, you can spend all day long getting pretty, but not feeling it.

Is it Ok to Focus on Looking Beautiful?

What I really want to address today is the focus we put on looking beautiful, and when our routines become too involved, leading to insecurity. We all have things we do in a day as part of our routine so we can feel confident about ourselves.

If you watch this video, I explain to you why I don’t wear makeup all that often. Wearing makeup is not something that I must do to feel beautiful. However, taking care of my hair is a big deal.

I hope you didn’t walk away from that video with the impression that I do not wear makeup or hate those that do. In fact, I wore makeup yesterday because I was going somewhere I felt I needed to dress up for.

My point in the video is that having a beauty routine that you do every day is ok. You shouldn’t feel bad about spending time on the way you look.

Here is What Concerns Me

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check out my concerned face

My biggest concern about beauty routines, is when I come across women that have routines that are way too involved. This can be their morning routine is intense and lengthy, or weekly things they chose to do.

Again, I want to clarify here that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with wearing makeup, doing your hair, painting your nails, or whatever you chose to do. The problem lies when you feel like you have to invest in every part of your body to look beautiful. 

When we put so much focus on the way we look, it will breed dissatisfaction. That is why my series focus on feeling beautiful, not looking beautiful.

It’s Ok to Work Through Your Look

As a teenager, I remember there being times when I put a lot of focus on the way I looked. I would try on everything in my closet and try to come up with the best looking outfits.

I’d spend hours figuring out how to do my makeup and hair. Some summers, I would lay out and tan so that I could get rid of my farmer’s tan. I’d workout for hours at a stretch and try to get the body I thought I was supposed to have.

Those hours that I spent focusing on the way I looked were important. I really did need to figure out how to tame my hair. I did need to know what clothes went together that were in my closet.

I still have times in my life where I have to spend a few weeks getting my look set. Even at the age of 33, my hair goes through stages that I have to figure out. As the wrinkles form, I also have to figure out how to apply makeup without making it look like crap.

When Do You Have a Problem?

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Spending a lot of time on your looks is ok sometimes. The problem is when you are never satisfied with the results. If you find that you have to keep doing a long checklist of beauty routines each day to feel good about yourself, then you need to take a step back. 

If you can’t ever leave the house without having your makeup done, hair fixed, clothes perfect, and toenails painted, then you’ve probably lost your focus. The whole purpose of doing these beauty routines is not to control our lives, rather add to our confidence. 

Those that are controlled by their beauty routines are not confident in who they are. An overly made up person is usually insecure and feels they need to do all of those things to look pretty.

How Does Your Beauty Routine Affect You Negatively?

This is my personal opinion of course, but anytime you spend too much of your attention focused on yourself, you are going to be unsatisfied. If you are spending hours trying to look beautiful, it puts your attention on every little flaw on your body and face. Some time in front of the mirror is good, too much time is not good.

Not only will you see your flaws, but you will also have an easier time becoming selfish and narcissistic. Another problem that comes from an intense beauty routine is expending resources. It takes a lot of time and money to go down a full checklist of routines.

Like I said in my video, I have two or three things I do each day to feel that I look pretty. Everyday, I work on my hair and wear something that I feel confident in. I also have a few things I do on a monthly basis, such as paint my toenails and moisturize my hair (I’m very hair focused).

Instead of controlling your beauty routines, be in control. I want you to feel confident, not insecure. 

At the end of the day, you have to decide if your routine is too in depth. Are you satisfied with the way you look? Are you spending too much time on getting ready? Are you draining your budget on cosmetics, clothes, hair coloring, or whatever else?

These thoughts have been in my head all week. I hope you were able to follow me, as I feel I might have been a bit scatterbrained today while writing. 😀

What About You? What Beauty Routines Do You Find Most Important?

 

Picture Dares For Couples

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If you have ever done a private photo shoot with your spouse, then you know how much fun it can be. I want to give you 12 picture ideas that are steamy. Print out the cards and then place them in number order and draw the lowest number first. This is sure to get you and your spouse really turned on.

Alternative to Couple’s Boudoir Shoots

Also, I have recently been reading about Boudoir picture shoots. If you haven’t heard about this type of photography, it is basically where you get in lingerie and have the photographer snap pics of you. There are couples boudoir sessions as well as individual sessions you can do.

Personally, I’m not a big fan of the thought of getting in anything sexy in front of someone I don’t know. Snapping pics of yourself can be quite difficult, unless you just want a selfie.

Since I don’t feel comfortable getting in front of others in an exposing way, I thought it would be fun for a couple to do their own boudoir shoot together. Having your pictures done can be a fun experience, especially if your spouse is involved.

Couples Bedroom Game Free Printable

My husband is the mastermind behind any and all printables. I am not gifted in that area, so I’m happy that he is. He put together the prompts on the next suit we’ve decided to release. Be sure you print off yours today so that you can play it soon.

If you would like access to these printables, you can purchase them in my Etsy store.

Couples Dares

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What Are The Picture Prompts?

Here is a list of the prompts on the cards so that you can decide if it is a game that you want to play. I understand that not every game is suitable for everyone.

  • Show me your sexy face
  • In an outfit of your choosing
  • kissing
  • me on top
  • your sexy pose
  • pic from above, me looking up
  • you bending over
  • stripping down
  • both of us undressed
  • me on top
  • kissing my chest
  • me on your lap
  • touching a part of yourself

You should interpret these prompts anyway you feel comfortable. All of the cards leading up to stripping down should be taken with your choice of clothing on.

How to Play Sexy Picture Dares

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When you print out the deck, there will be an instruction card. I just want to go over it with you in this post, so you have an idea of what you are getting into.

Once you print out the cards out, you’ll need to cut them apart. Put the cards in order from 2 to King. There is a wildcard in the deck that you can write your own prompt on. That wildcard can be mixed in wherever you want it to go.

These prompts are written so that it builds up with each card. You don’t have to play it in order, but I designed it to go in a certain order for it to build.

Each person should take turns being the cameraman while the other poses. Some of the picture prompts have you both in the shot. You will need to use your camera’s timer or voice commands if your phone allows. On my phone, I have it set that if I say keywords like shoot or smile, it will snap the picture.

What to Do With the Pictures When You Are Done

It is completely up to you whether or not you keep the pictures afterwards. If you are taking pictures on your phone and it backs up to the cloud, you might consider putting your phone in airplane mode. Then you can decide if you will keep these pics or delete them.

Before you play this game, you and your spouse should decide what you want to do with the pictures. Then you don’t have to have this discussion after a good night together.

The Purpose of the Game

Sexy picture dares

Whenever I put together couple’s bedroom games, the purpose is to get you and your spouse engaged with one another in a passionate way. It is important to find ways to spice things up with your lover every now and then. This will keep you from becoming stale in your sex life.

Be on the lookout for the other two suits to be released in the near future. I have one suit completed and I’ll post it in the coming weeks. I’m still brainstorming the prompts for the last suit. If you have any foreplay suggestions that involve senses such as taste and smell, please leave me a message in the comments. You might find them end up on that last suit.

How to Feel Beautiful Series #6

I hope you have been following me through my “How to Feel Beautiful” series. It is very important to me that you feel like the beautiful woman you are.

Each week I’ve been sharing with you a different challenge that you can take to feel beautiful. These challenges are aimed to increase your confidence.

Here’s A Look Back

how to feel beautiful

In case you haven’t been keeping up with my series, I want to share with you the previous week’s challenges. I encourage you to go back and do what I suggest.

Week #1- Get away from images and people that make you feel ugly

Week #2- Decide which features of your body you like most

Week #3- Ask trusted people in your life what they find beautiful about you, and then believe them

Week #4- Find 4 pictures that have you in it that makes you feel beautiful

Week #5- Come up with an outfit that makes you feel good about yourself

These are the other challenges I’ve given you to work on.

On to Today’s Beauty Challenge

If you had a chance to watch my video, then you will know what today’s challenge is. I’m suggesting today that you find some time each week to work out. I know what you are saying, “I don’t have time”.

I know exactly how you feel about limited time. For myself, I struggle to find the time to workout and exercise, too. However, exercising is a great way to boost your mood.

What I’m not asking you to do is to get a gym membership or workout non-stop. I’m just suggesting that you decide to do any form of specific exercise a few times a week.

Whenever I workout, it always makes me feel pretty. It could be the endorphins that are released. Maybe it is just a mental thing.

Even if I don’t lose any weight or see inches shed from my waist, I feel healthier. Feeling healthy makes me feel beautiful.

I hope that you will do these challenges in the coming weeks. If you are following along with me and have done any of the challenges, please leave me a message in the comment section and let me know how you are doing with it.

9 Surprising Things My Mom Taught Me About Marriage

9 surprising things my mom taught me about marraige

There is one thing for sure, my mom took the scriptures seriously that talks about the older generation of women teaching the younger generation how to be Godly wives. She intentionally counseled me about how to be a good wife starting at the time I was a teenager.

Today, I wanted to share with you some of her words of wisdom regarding marriage. I have found myself beginning a lot of conversations recently with, “My mom always said that….”. So, I thought it was time I shared with you some of the bits of wisdom that she passed to me a long time ago.

Be The Person God Called You to Be

Mom said that before I could be the wife that my husband needed me to be, I had to be the woman God called me to be. If I could just get this down, then I would be the wife my husband needed. All of my mom’s counsel took the focus off of me, and put it on God.

The most important thing you can do for your marriage is to make sure you are in right relationship with God. This also holds true for any relationship. You could say the same thing about parenting. If you want to be the parent your children need, you must first be the person God called you to be.

Take a Look At Your Own Actions First

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Before you go to your spouse about a problem you have with them, take a look at your own actions. Mom always said that you need to evaluate your part in the problems before you go to your partner about it. You might find that you are a big part of the problem yourself.

I’ve really taken this counsel to heart. When I have a problem with something Austin is doing or not doing, I take a look at my part in the problem. I ask myself what have I done that is contributing to the issue. More often then not, the issues never even make it to him, because I resolve them in myself. 

I find that I am the root cause of a lot of my issues with Austin. Normally, a problem arises because of selfishness, jealousy, or sin on my part. When I am selfish, I have a self-centered attitude and I expect him to meet my needs more than what God designed him to do.

Mom painted this scenario to me to explain her line of thinking. She said, “Keelie, if you think your husband isn’t doing enough of something for you, ask yourself if you are doing enough of that same thing for him. For example, if you think he should give you more compliments, ask yourself when is the last time you complimented him”.

This bit of counsel has saved my marriage so many fights. I find that most of the problems I have need to be resolved in my own mind. Austin usually has little or nothing to do with the issue.

They Say All Marriages are Made in Heaven, But so Are Thunder and Lightening

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This is actually a quote by Clint Eastwood. I didn’t know that when I was a kid, but it is something my mom used to say.

My mom explained the meaning of the quote like this: there will be times when you are going to fight in your marriage. There will be seasons of storms that come between you and your partner.

She used to say, “In marriage, sparks are always going to fly.” Sometimes the sparks are from romantic chemistry. Other times, it will be arguing and fighting. Those that passionately love each other, will passionately fight with each other.

It has been quite comforting to know that in good marriages, fighting happens. In fact, if a marriage is without fighting, then that is usually a sign that the relationship is over.

Be Kind…Just be Kind

Oh if I had a nickle for every time my mom has said that to us growing up. Even as adults, my mom says that to us on a regular basis. That goes for us as brothers and sister as well as married couples.

My mom told me that especially in marriage, we have to guard ourselves against being mean to our spouses. It is so easy to be mean to your partner. For some reason, we feel like we can treat our spouse anyway we want to, and get by with it.

That is not what the Bible teaches us. We are supposed to be kind one to another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave the church. Kindness is key in relationships. 

You Must Learn the Art of Compromise

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My mom knows I’m a stubborn headed mule about most things. She worked especially hard with me about the concept of compromising. She knows that when I dig my heels in about something, I’m unmovable. “You have to be willing to meet your spouse halfway”, she would say.

In a marriage, you can’t dig your heels and refuse to move. You and your spouse are not always going to be on the same page about stuff. In marriage, I wonder how we ever get along sometimes. Austin and I are nothing alike and almost never think the same ideas are good ones.

Since I’m stubborn, this advice has been more than helpful. If I was allowed to go through life thinking I deserved to have everything my way, then no one would stay married to me.

You have to be willing to meet your spouse halfway on just about everything. I’m not saying there aren’t some circumstances in which you have to set a hard line, but there are very few instances in which you can do that.

When Divorce Happens, It’s Both People’s Fault

Ever heard the phrase, “It takes two to tango”? Well, that can be applied to just about anything. My mom told me that when divorce happens, it is both people’s fault. It doesn’t even matter what the reasons behind the divorce, both spouses have blame in the condition of the marriage.

No one is perfect. We are all human and all have sins. Even if one spouse cheats on the other spouse, that does not mean the “innocent” spouse is without blame. No, it isn’t the “innocent” spouse’s fault that the other was not faithful. However, since we are all sinners, we all have to admit that we did things wrong in the marriage. 

I know that is a really foreign concept for divorcee’s, especially those that have felt wrongly treated. When divorce happens, both sides walk away blaming the other person for the failure. My mom says with no uncertainty, “It’s both your faults this didn’t work out”. Wow mom….so harsh. 

It’s true though. In our marriages, both sides have sin. No one can be perfect and none of us do everything right. When it comes down to it, none of us can be exactly who the other person needs us to be. That is where grace comes in. We chose to love our spouse in spite of themselves and what they did to hurt us.

I’ll say this later on, if you are in an abusive relationship, then you need to get out of it. These bits of advice that my mom gives are not for those that are being abused.

Life is Not Fair

How many times in your life have you said the words, “That’s not fair”? According to my mom, life is not fair. It just isn’t, and we shouldn’t expect it to be. 

She said that if Christ had to die on the cross for our sins, then we couldn’t expect to be treated fairly in life. Life is not fair. Things are going to happen to us that are not fair. We are going to do things to others that are not fair.

Stop trying to make life fair, because it isn’t and it can’t be. If a perfect man has to die for the sins of the world, then we can’t expect our life to be fair.

This is a concept that she applied to marriage as well as the rest of my life. She told me that unfair things are going to happen in my marriage. I can either approach it from the standpoint of, “My husband didn’t treat me fairly, so I am not going to forgive him”; or, I can do what Christ did, and forgive him.

You Can’t Change Your Spouse, You Can Only Change Yourself

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My mom made it pretty clear to me that I cannot change my husband. She told me that I needed to marry a man I was ok with. If I thought he needed improvements or needed to change, then I shouldn’t bother marrying him. He was not going to change simply because he put a ring on it. 

Only God can change hearts and minds, not people. The only thing you can do is to change the way you respond to your spouse.

If you don’t like something about your spouse or something they are doing, you don’t get to force them to change. You have to change the way you react. Pray that God will change your mind about the situation.

Sure, you can pray that God will change your spouse, also, but don’t count on it. Put your money on God changing you, because you are willing and ready.

Don’t Make Empty Threats

Regardless of what the threats are, mom said don’t say anything unless I was prepared to act on it. She said to never threaten to leave my husband unless my bags were packed and I was never coming back. She told me to be a woman of my word.

Empty threats help no one. Saying I’m going to leave my husband or something rash, but not doing it will just serve to damage us. She told me that even if I felt like I wanted to leave, I shouldn’t say it unless I was doing it.

You know what else she told me? If I ever chose to leave my husband, then I best have a place to live. She was not going to help me run away from my problems by letting me come back to her house. (of course, this would be different if I was in an unsafe relationship). My mom is completely against enabling.

She told me this same concept should be applied to every area of my life. Don’t tell my kids that I’m going to do something unless I plan on it. 

Sticking with this advice has kept me from saying a whole lot of stupid things in my marriage. Not only that, it has kept me from giving my kids punishments that I haven’t thought through.

Your Marriage is on You

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Well thanks for that mom…my marriage is on me? She told me that I can’t wait around for my husband to fix things in the marriage. I have to take a pro-active role in everything.

If I don’t like the way things are happening in my relationship, then I have to be the one to initiate change. She let me know real quick that pride is usually the biggest reason that people get divorced. 

We get stuck on how we’ve been mistreated by our spouse. When we think our spouse has done something to wrong us, then we feel it is their responsibility to fix it. My mom says otherwise.

She says to get rid of your pride and chose forgiveness. Then do what it takes to fix the relationship. We have to do the right thing, even if our partner isn’t.

Don’t misunderstand this to mean that mom was telling me to allow my husband to be physically abusive to me.

To Sum Up My Mom’s Counsel

This article was really long, I get that. Here is how you can sum up every piece of advice my mom has ever given me about anything in my life….be who God called you to be. In case you don’t know, He has called us all to be like Jesus.

When things aren’t going well in your life or marriage, get in close relationship with God. Be obedient to Him and put your focus on your own actions.

Being married long term is very difficult. There are going to be times in your marriage where you are working it out and things are going great. There will be other times in your marriage where you are going to be at perpetual odds with each other. Either way, you can have a God honoring marriage.

What Words of Wisdom Would You Give Others About Marriage?