Is it just me or are the ingredients for the filling mixture under the streusel topping heading and vice versa? Easy mistake and easy to figure out what you mean, but just in case someone isn’t paying attention…
Good points. Showing affection each day is important. As you say, love and affection take many forms, but spouses need to show each other affection and caring each day.
Keelie, this is a major issue in many marriages. in some marriages, it is the wife who plays the gatekeeper in sexual intimacy. In other marriages, the man loses interest in having sex with his wife. When you see marriages in crisis or failing marriages, lack of frequent lovemaking is often present.
I agree. A lack of lovemaking is indicative of major problems in the marriage. Without actively addressing those issues, then there is no way for sexual intimacy to return. Not to say that the couple isn’t having sex at all, it just isn’t as intimate.
How about affection shown in forms that both the giver and the receiver both like? If the wife knows that her husband likes to kiss, then she could enjoy doing that with her husband. One should enjoy showing affection to their spouse.
Good insightful article. Naturally, many wives feel vulnerable when fully nude, but within the loving security of their marriage, they can learn to embrace the vulnerability.
For the wife who may need to try this in steps, she can come to bed without the pajamas but still have a tee shirt and panties on. Then when she is more comfortable, she can get into bed fully nude.
Your point about building non-sexual intimacy is helpful. Being close and vulnerable with each other does help to build trust and emotional intimacy.
Thanks so much for your insights Larry. I checked out your blog. 🙂 You have some great insights too. I tried to leave a comment, but I couldn’t sign into wordpress for some reason and it would let me leave the message.
You are so right about being naked in bed providing the opportunity for creating more non-sexual touch in a marriage. It is true that if you have been starving your husband’s visual and tactile senses, the two of you will likely go through an adjustment period of increased sexual touching and other sexual attentions. After he reaches a satiation point and knows your nude body will be available to him on a regular and repeating basis things will calm down some.
There may be increased sexual attention because of the increased opportunity to touch your body, but the nonsexual touching will begin to grow and this will provide for increased bonding experiences.
I know when my wife and I go through an extended stretch without sex, the first thing I want to do is spend a prolonged period just touching her all over her body from her toes to the top of her head. I am in no rush to get to the sex. I need that lengthy physical contact first. I can see I need to do a post about that.
You are also correct in that it should help wives hopefully become more comfortable being nude in front of their husbands. A wife may even begin to see his looks as admiring and desiring and not leering.
Glad to have found this blog linking from Sex Within Marriage. That’s the first time I have seen you comment or I suspect I would have been here sooner.
Thanks so much for stopping by. It is true, men need to see their wives naked. As a woman, I think that is a hard concept to be ok with sometimes.
I just found sex within marriage the other day. I have only had a chance to read a few of the posts since then. I went over to your blog, and I read a post. It was very insightful. I did try to leave a message, but I was asked to sign into my wordpress account, but for some reason, I can’t ever get that to work right for me. It was about a woman and duty sex and how she can help herself understand what feels good for her body. I know that is a very hard thing for a lot of women. It is good to write about these topics to help those that struggle.
You do have a wordPress account? If so what is it telling you when you try to sign in? I see you have had this problem before. I used to have it when I commented on Blogger. I would tell me my I did not own that user name which, of course, I did. I found I could use OpenID. Try that. You enter your url including the http;//. Use this one; https://lovehopeadventure.com if it is registered with WordPress as your OpenID username. Give it a shot.
Before you hit the comment button, cntrl/C your comment to have a copy. It if doesn’t take, it dumps your comment and you have to rewrite. It a good practice to get into with any comment you write before hitting comment. Just remember, that comment is held in the cache until you overwrite it with another “copy” of something. Someone may cntrl/V something you wish they hadn’t seen.
It wants me to sign into my wordpress account, which I have right? I own this blog. So, I used this website URL and then when I submit a comment, it asks me to login. So, I use the same login info that I do to get into this blog. It rejects it. I’ve been having this problem with other blogs as well that want me to login to my wordpress account. It just keeps telling me I have the wrong password, which I do not have the wrong password!
Good idea with the copying my comments. It is annoying to loose what I spent time writing, and even more annoying to not be able to interact. I don’t know what Open ID is. can you email me about this at Joannapea81@yahoo.com? Maybe you can help me figure it out. I’m so lost!
Sorry it took so long to get back. I didn’t get an email when your replied to my comment.
“It wants me to sign into my wordpress account, which I have right?”
Is that question rhetorical or are you asking me if you have a WordPress account?
If you have a WordPress account, you likely have OpenID with it. Below the comment box, it asks When it says “Comment as” and asks you to choose a aprofile. You click on “OpenID”. In the OpendID profile it asks you to enter You enter the “OpenID URL” in the box. You enter the following: https://lovehopeadventure.com and only that exactly like that. If it prefills with an extra “http://” delete the extra before entering the ID.
Then you can hit preview or go straight to publish. Allow it time to publish the comment. I will appear either in moderation or be immediately published depending on how the publisher has the blog set up. Don’t forget to Cntrl-C your comment first in case something goes wrong. if nothing else, you can comment using Name/URL but it doesn’t show a hyperlink to your blog with the comment. Let me know how it works. If it say it cannot verify your OpenID credentials then you need to establish an account. Go read here:
I think I figured out a different way to leave comments on your website. I’m pretty sure I was reading an article this morning that I left a comment on. Thanks for the info. I’ll do some more reading for when I run into that prob again.
yeah, I understand your concerns. I have three boys aged 3, 8, and 9. What we have done is teach our children to knock on the door before they come in. This gives me a chance to cover up or get presentable. When they were very little, we would lock our door as part of teaching them to knock and give us our privacy.
I keep a robe by my bed so that if they need me in the middle of the night, I can get up and put on the robe right away. Like I said in my post, I’ve slept without clothes on since I was a teenager. I haven’t found it to be too difficult with kids to sleep naked. I just tell them that they should always knock before they come in because I might be getting dressed. They get it and have learned to stay out.
Even when we are out of town and sharing a room, I take off my pants at least, when I get in the bed. It’s been a true comfort thing for me to sleep without clothes on. I guess it has made me be pretty diligent about teaching my kids to knock on the door, or give me a minute before they get in bed with me.
Hope this helps you! I think you can train your children to knock on the door and give you privacy. Good luck. 🙂
Interesting thoughts and suggestions. When couples do spend more time on foreplay, the lovemaking can be more satisfying for both spouses.
One benefit of this game (you describe above) would be to encourage the spouses to be a little more adventurous in their foreplay; and that can lead to them finding out they enjoy things they may never have considered trying (such as some playful and loving oral sex).
I played this game with my husband recently. It was ok, but I created another game that we have had a lot more fun with. I just haven’t loaded it on here yet. I’m going to have to do that.
I definitely think that this game is good for couples that do not engage in conversation about sex. My husband and I talk about sex a lot, so we really didn’t learn anything new from each other from the question list we put together. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that we wrote this question list based off of other conversations we have had with each other.
Keelie, thank you for this article. It is very needed! As married couples, we need to build our marriages up to be stronger–with God’s help. We married ladies should constantly be flirting with our spouses and making them feel loved and special. 🙂
Thanks so much for those helpful tips. 🙂 I know that some women really struggle with this. I know so many men want to help their wives, but struggle. It can be hard for both parties when she is unsuccessful.
That is because I do not have the signup ability yet. I’m still working on figuring out how to do that. As soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know. 🙂
Thank you so so much for letting me guest post. Guess what! I’m actually staying with the Jones’s in two weeks! They are letting our family crash for a few days for a wedding. 🙂
Great topic for thinking about! In the US today, it is not just children that become too materialistic. Adults place too much emphasis on material things. We need to stress spiritual values more. People can learn to appreciate what they have and not always be longing after things they do not have.
“One day, I woke up and thought, “You know, I spent a lot of time and energy thinking about intimacy during the years when I wasn’t able to be intimate. Now that I can be intimate, I’m saying no. What is my problem?”.
After I had that realization, I decided that I’d not only stop saying no, but I would start initiating more. This was part of the married dream, and I wasn’t pursuing it. ”
This is the one that sums it all up !
Thank you for saying this !
Hey, good chocolate is better than bad sex….and when you are married to Mr. Gatekeeper Vanilla Unteachable, it can be a sanity saver. I love my husband and have tried talking with him about our sex life, encouraging, seeking counsel, etc, and he isn’t nudging much, so our sex life is pretty bland. Yes, I do indulge in chocolate when it gets to me.
Yeah, you are absolutely right. In cases like your situation, you have to find ways to cope. I definitely wasn’t talking about men or women that want to have sex, but are being denied. I would suggest you check out this article about some reasons your husband may not want to have sex very often. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/husband-doesnt-want-sex/. Sheila, at To Love Honor and Vacuum always has great insights into what might be going on.
I pray that you and your husband find satisfaction in one another. Negotiating the marriage bed is so difficult between couples. I know that sexual tension is often the top of the list when it comes to fighting and frustration. I would definitely keep working with your husband and don’t give up.
Yes, I have read it and every other article out there on it. He drew his line in the sand and I am quite sure it will literally take an act of God before he budges.
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear this for you and your husband. I know I can’t possibly begin to know the struggles you are having. All I know is that God cares for you and your problems. Truly, I’m praying for you tonight that you will have peace
libl
Thank you. One thing it does is helps me to talk to refusing and limiting wives and urge them in our own girl talk language to extend themselves to their husbands sexually. My hurt as a woman is something they understand. When they see their husband’s hurt translated through my hurt, it can open their eyes.
Keelie Reason
That is amazing that you have the ability to get to the heart of women that are refusing their spouses. What a difficult thing for you to go through. I’m glad you are finding a way to help others in the midst of your struggles. What an amazing woman you are.
you know, I didn’t always have a subscribe feature. I tried to get a subscribe feature, but wasn’t sure if it was working. Let me know if it works. 🙂 That would be helpful information.
Well, for starters, you don’t have the option “Notify me of new comments to this post.”
I did not get notified of your reply to this post. Also, in my WordPress “Blogs I Follow”, your blog does not show as one I follow. This may just be specific to me OR WordPress, but it could be a problem originating from your side. As it is, I will have to wait for you to do a new post beyond March 5 to find out. I will again click the “new post” check box. We shall see. The only reason I know you posted this reply is I saw your blog as a referring site and came to check what I had said that caused someone to click through to my blog. If you have replied to any of my other comments or asked a question, I may never know.
Also, unless you moderate every comment all the time to hold trolls in abeyance , even though I have already commented and been approved once before, the above comment and no doubt this one are being held captive in moderation.
I just checked my WP “Blogs I Follow” and found I am following you but get no email or reader notifications of new posts. I finally followed you by adding your url, not clicking the “Notify me…” check box.
Keelie Reason
sigh…someone is going to have to help me. Thanks for the info. I’ll pass it along to someone that knows what in the world they are doing. Thanks for keeping me up to date.
Excellent post, Keelie. I admire your ability to say so much in so few words. I have yet to master that ability. “Believe your partner instead” is so necessary in a marriage especially as time and gravity exacts a price from both men and women. Body image is 95% perception and 5% reality. Husbands are not looking for perfection. We just want to look. Keep up the good work.
Yes, a woman has to believe her husband for sure. None of us are capable of seeing ourselves the way our spouses see us. It is the same for men, they must believe their wives when their wives give them encouragement about something. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to self doubt. Others don’t doubt us the way we doubt ourselves.
Thanks for the encouragement Heather. I really appreciate it. 🙂 Yes, we must focus on portion control, eating good foods, and drinking a lot of water. Exercise is super helpful too.
175 lbs? That was a tough time I’m sure. It would be difficult enough from a body image standpoint, but living with the feelings of poor health and limited physical motion is what really depresses a person. 135 lbs is not too bad if you are around 5’10”.
Diet, exercise and water are certainly the key. There is always someone who tells you how many calories you can burn having sex. I think they probably over estimate, but I think I would be remiss if I didn’t throw that into the mix on a regular basis. That’s just my layman’s opinion, of course. I could be wrong, but I wouldn’t let that stop me. “Don’t forget we need to exercise, Hon…. Again.”
Yes, sex is great for exercise. 🙂 However, exercise is actually really great for sex! Stamina is a powerful thing when it comes to gettin it on.
You know, when I weighed 175, I didn’t have a hard time moving around. Most people actually don’t believe me when I say I weighed that much. I’m around 150 right now, which is good enough for me. I definitely focus on being healthy, and if I get thinner because of it, awesome. Actually, I’m 5’2″ if you can believe it. Super short, and not that thin. I’m ok with it though. It’s ok to be a size 10.
A size 10 is indeed okay, 5’2″? You’re a little thing. At a 10 your weight sounds fairly well distributed over your body. Mine is the same but a bit more concentrated in my waist. Most people think I weigh less than I do. They always think I am younger than my age. I work hard for an older guy.
I admire your convictions and your desire to strengthen your marriage and to encourage others to do likewise. I believe my husband would appreciate this idea.
It’s so funny. My husband laughs at me all the time when I beg him to get a phone that I can text him on. He has no idea how fun it can be to sext and how much better it’ll be later that night if we do.
Perhaps a game might help….but who has time for games after long days, and putting kids to bed? UGH.
I’ll just keep telling him we need to get him a phone to text with me. The foreplay with that is A LOT OF FUN!
But I will be bookmarking this page, for when the kids start doing sleepovers at friends’ houses and we have more time to play at home without them around!!!!
I know exactly how you feel when it comes to being tired at the end of the day. My husband and I really enjoy bedroom games for special times, like birthdays, anniversaries, and when we want to change things up.
A game like this might add on an extra 15-20 minutes to a night you have sex. Sure, you can’t do it all the time, but maybe here and there. 🙂
I was just talking about this with a friend of mine over lunch. You know, how going back to the basics – foreplay – could really kick start a relationship that may have fallen into a rut. This is a great way to do it without any awkwardness. Who doesn’t love a game!?
You are completely right Cristina. Many people forget about foreplay when having been married for some time. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that kissing, rubbing, touching, and other sensual things area great way to spice things up.
I haven’t reached the point of needing anything to help me set the mood for sex yet in my life. I still crave it daily with my husband. I do put on sexy lingerie and makeup from time to time to spice things up more.
We just recently reviewed the Fantasy Box monthly membership box and that was a lot of fun to do.
This sounds like a great game to play this St. Patrick’s Day and other days. Thanks for sharing it with us.
This looks fun. I love how people are still willing to share things like this. I have been married to my husband for going on 3 years and together for going on 5 years. I love this 🙂
Congrats on your years of marriage! These types of games are great to help you focus on each other. My husband and I have enjoyed putting them together.
Taking care of your marriage is the best thing you can do for your kids. It’s important for them to see their parents’ relationship is strong, and this is certainly an aspect of that.
I have to say that I love this idea so much! My husband and I used to play a game called “Bliss” which worked well to spice things up. However that was 8 years ago! This will be so useful to spice things up again!! Thank you so much for having the “cohones” to post topics like this!!
That is awesome. 🙂 I’m so glad you guys had a game you used to love to play. Hope one of the bedroom games I have on my site will help you out. 🙂 We always enjoy playing bedroom games when we have time.
I was admittedly a little nervous when I got to this link on the commentathon haha! But reading your post, you actually made it seem like a fun date night idea!
This sure is interesting! I bet husbands would love it! I do think marriage is very important. It’s hard to make time when you have kids. Thanks for sharing!
Oh my gosh, this sounds like fun! I think no matter where you are–newlyweds or grandparents–this is a fun way to get to know your spouse and what you want from each other. Talking about sex is a good way to ensure both of you are feeling the heat and getting the most out of your moments together.
Hmm, this could be fun…have you ever checked out The Dating Divas? They have a bunch of games like this that you can print for free. Some of them are a bit more tame and some more spicy, but either way, they have some good inspiration.
I LOVE it!! This is right up my alley! I am always on the lookout for new and creative ways to make our bedroom adventures more interesting.
Thank you for sharing this idea.
This is a very interesting concept and it is certainly one that would help keep the flame going within a relationship. Sometimes it’s fun to step outside the box of the norm and rediscover one another. Thank you for sharing this.
These are awesome, I really do enjoy spending time at home with my BF, it’s definitely a bonding experience. It’s also great to see that there are so many ways to spice things up! Great tips, and thanks for sharing these!
I wonder if any psychologist have come up with and option for mother and baby to create an ocytocin release for bonding similar to that which comes with breast feeding? If a child will suck a pacifier for comfort, would using the mother’s breast as a pacifier before a nap or bedtime have the some effect? Of course, there may not be many mothers who want to devote the time to being a human “pacifier” but if they experienced an oxytocin release like with milk letdown they might for the benefit provided both. Just wondering. Being a man, I might have it all wrong.
I let my boys suck even though I knew nothing was coming out. I didn’t do it for too long after I turned to the bottles. However, I was happy to have the bonding experience.
I think wives should be encouraged to initiate, but I think they desire their husbands to assume a role of leadership and dominance. Check out my Part 7 for more, Keelie. Dominance does not mean dominating.
This is a tough one for sure. So much of the problem is what women internalize about about themselves, not what their husbands say. One can certainly argue that the behavior of husbands can affect how their wives feel, but in the end, it really comes down to how women decide to feel about themselves. I tried to address this once with “Look Away. I’m Hideous,” but I could not really offer any solutions, only point out how women are buying into false perceptions about how their husbands see them. I hope you can offer some insights I missed or correct my possible misunderstanding of the problem.
Yes, you are right in saying that a woman must decide they feel beautiful. No one can really do that for them. Yes, a husband that tells his wife she is beautiful is a great thing. However, it almost doesn’t make a difference unless the woman is willing to accept the compliment. That is for all of us though. If you aren’t good at accepting compliments, it won’t matter what anyone says to you, you won’t believe it.
I have a pretty well rounded series to help women with this issue. I think it is very important for the health of a relationship that both the husband and wife feel secure in who they are.
Great idea! I think regular is far more important than varied. I’ve always felt if a couple can’t be happy with a good deal of vanilla variety wouldn’t fix things. Not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with variety…
We were recently at a beachfront condo on the Gulf in Florida and one 20′ wall from floor to ceiling was a mirror. It ran from the sliding glass doors at the balcony back across the living and dining area. It was a playground with a leather couch and loveseat, the dining room table, a breakfast bar area with two stools and a counter with a 3′ mirror wall across from it. It was really fun and really exciting and we really want to do it again really soon. It resembled the wall in the sitting area of this post, but much nicer. https://youguystalkedmeintothis.wordpress.com/2014/07/15/a-romantic-gift-for-him-gift-2/
Great topic. Do you have mirrors permanently installed around your bed? Where do you put them? Do you just move them in when you want to use them? I’ve wanted to try this, but I’m not sure how to implement it.
The picture of the mirror and the bed in this post are in my room. The mirror sits on my dresser and is at the end our bed. We have one on the outside of our bathroom door that we can open to look into. It’s a full length mirror. I also have smaller hand held mirrors that we can use if we want to. I can’t attach mirrors to the ceiling or anything, because of the kind of ceilings I have. I would suggest to anyone to get one of those free standing mirrors that can move around your room. I would love to have one, but just can’t afford one. Maybe one day.
There’s just nothing like seeing the action.Toward the end it can get really hard to keep your eyes on it as they want to roll back into head and it all turns into moaning with pleasure and panting. TMI but the juiciness of penis-in-vagina to and from motion is extremely exciting for both of us to witness. A ten dollar mirror (1 foot by four foot)from wal-mart can do wonders and there are 100 creative ways to use it, including laying it on the floor so the wife can witness doggie style with juices and cum dripping on the mirror. all very sexy! A great way to add spice! Good article.
I think the only thing I would change is the concept of meeting your spouse halfway, because how do you determine what is halfway? What if your husband thinks he is meeting you halfway but you feel he is only a quarter of the way there? Marriage isn’t 50/50 but 100/100. You both need to give it your all. Rather than trying to meet my husband at some vague halfway point, we instead try to come up with a win/win solution. Because if one person “wins” while the other loses, in actuality you both lose, so keep working until you find a solution that you both are happy with. (Although I should mention that there should be times of sacrifice too, in which YOU deliberately CHOOSE to take the loss so your spouse can win. But a heathy marriage should never force a loss on a spouse who isn’t willing to take it or that will foster bitterness and resentment.)
I agree, you are right, we do need to give 100% of ourselves. You are so right, there are times we must be willing to cover our spouse with grace and take the hit. I completely agree.
love the picture with your hands in the sand. My husband loves it when I include a game for our date nights. Once I made a board game for Valentine’s Day for us, he kept it tucked under his side of the bed for forever.
Oh I can go in and delete you as a user. If you are just trying to sign up for my newsletter, then that is on the sidebar. 🙂 Let me know if you want me to delete you as a user, and it will unregister you 🙂
I agree that’s an excellent way to find out why you do sex as you do. I can remember trying to get pregnant with my son. You had that little 3 or 4 day window in which to knock it out of the park until next month. Who would think having sex would feel like a chore. “Again already? Didn’t we earlier today?”
I know what you mean. When we were trying to get pregnant with our third son, it was starting to feel that way. We did force the romance during that year and half.
I’m happy you’re able to share with us too. I feel the same way about my blog. My heart and soul are in it too. It feels so rewarding when someone tells you in a comment that you have made a positive difference in their life and then urges you to keep writing. Other than my wife, my family does not know of my blog. Perhaps some day they will.
We have a name we use for a specific spot on her body. It’s fun to have something we share that we can use in public and no one is the wiser. That little bit of public naughtiness adds a bit of spice and can be fun mental foreplay.
We have a code for when either of us are in the mood. We simply say, we’re in the mood for pumpkin soup. It was a silly suggestion that stuck. It’s something we can use in front of the kids or in public and the secret makes the lead up all the more fun! We have words we only use in the bedroom too but I think I’ll keep those secret!
I related to this. Not because I went to a water park. Nope, I went dress shopping. Tried on 50 ITEMS and left with 3! Many of the dresses I tried on made my stomach look like a kangaroo mom carrying triplets.
I was in a funk the rest of the day. I’m not rockin’ any bikinis, and I didn’t rock 47 dresses. But thankfully, my God and my husband still think I’m beautiful, and I have to admit that my belly is pretty awesome for turning out two great kids. So I’m watching what I eat this week and trying to exercise a bit more, but I’m not freaking out about the extra. It’s a part of my whole package of beauty, so I’m going to embrace who I am and feel good about who God made me to be.
I totally understand you. I HATE shopping! I always feel so good about myself until I get in a dressing room. :/ bleh. Thanks for sharing. We all need the encouragement of one another to be ok with our bodies as they are.
I went to a water park and was “okay.” I’ve been working on my confidence and got myself to wear and even buy a new bikini to wear in my back yard. My 5 & 7 year old destroyed me. I’ve lost 45 pounds since having my FOURTH baby in September 2013. Lilly asks, “mom, what will you look like when you finally lose weight?” Then about half an hour later, Via says to me, “I like the other suit better. The one that COVERS your tummy.”
My husband pointed out to me that it’s likely neither girl meant anything at all by their comments. I exercise every day. Lilly may genuinely think I’m still trying to lose weight and wonders what on earth will I look like. Via may really just like the other suit. All I heard was, “Mom, your FAT!”
Wow…yeah…kids can be brutally honest about what they are thinking. Something tells me, Krystina, that your stomach is in better shape than mine! I have seen how you work out and are dedicated to losing the weight. 🙂 Your girls were not trying to call you fat, but likely just genuinely curious and have strong opinions about style. I know it can seem that way though. There is something to be said about our kids learning social graces, even towards us. You’ve done an amazing job at getting healthy. Really, at the end of the day, healthy is all that matters.
I agree with every single point! And I think most importantly, one never knows when your last touch with your spouse will truly be your LAST touch. Make sure that when you part ways, your spouse will have a good memory of that moment.
Errmmm I am not sure who is in favour of vanilla sex, I think I would rather watch paint dry 🙁 guy on top positions are usually boring as I can’t really see anything :((( second you cannot control when you want to orgasm doubtful if you can have multiple orgasm ether BORING! I can’t imagine watching your man jack -hammering away being that fun.
Also another point is what if your the type of woman who wants more sex during her period! Personally variety is even more important in that phase, get out of your comfort zone.
Oh yes! I completely agree with you. This is a challenge that I put together to help me understand the dilemma’s that some of my readers have. I’ve had readers share that their sex life is boring and that their spouse never wants to do anything to spice it up. So, my husband and I decided to try out vanilla sex for a month and see if it was really that bad. Guess what, we couldn’t make it! While we enjoyed the vanilla sex, we really really wanted more. You can check out my update on the challenge here: https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/update-on-the-between-the-periods-challenge/.
I have a friend who since the beginning of our friendship has agreed that we will encourage one another in our marriages and not allow the other to speak unkindly of unproductive about our husband. As I have watched them grow and bond it has always been a blessing to me and as she has seen me support and pray for my husband it has encouraged her. I am thankful that your post reminded me of this today!
Blessings,
Dawn
I love this idea, and I think it’s one that people don’t often think about. Especially when in TV shows or movies it’s commonly portrayed for the girls to get together and complain about their useless husbands while the guys go to the bar and complain about their naggy wives. It’s so important to build each other up. Thanks for the reminder.
I love this concept of looking after other marriages. My husband and I have just finished facilitating “The Marriage Course” for 8 weeks. It was a huge commitment and a lot of work cooking meals so that couples could have an intimate candlelit dinner before starting on the course content, but such service I see as contributing to make our society stronger. Strong marriages affect our community in more ways then we could even imagine.
This is a message that needs to be heard. I get so tired of listening to other women run down their husbands. My mom set such a great example for my sisters and I by always lifting up our dad and praising him.
As a pastor’s family we see so many marriages with so many different needs. We try to encourage every relationship to be the best that it can.
That is very true, so many people do talk down about their spouses. We have to guide them that there is a better way. That’s great you do what you can to encourage others. 🙂
I agree with these suggestions (LOVE the idea about Christmas lights!) , & also advocate the use of essential oils-they have done so much to boost my confidence (& desire) over the last 14 months. Diffuse them, use them 2 make massage oils & body oils, you can even use the oil blend whisper as a perfume. Music is another good thing 2 help set the mood & get your mind off what u consider 2 be your physical inadequacies. Then just remember that men & women are totally different-all those little things you worry about probably don’t bother him a bit. Just try 2 stop focusing on those & instead concentrate on making him feel good. Taking pleasure in giving him pleasure helps you ignore those unsettling distractions & just enjoy each other. Oh! And play games (take regular games & adapt them 2 make them sexy) …. a great way 2 have fun together as you slip into foreplay without leaving room for you 2 think about any insecurities you might be bothered by. 🙂
Yes, I love essential oils too! I really love Jasmine and Lavender. I know that cinnamon and ginger can be used as aphrodisiacs as well. I agree about the games too! I have a few sexy games here on the site. I hope you will check them out.
I pray. ? Really. We went to a marriage seminar a few years ago, and something made me “get it.” I’d always known that there is a Godly purpose for sex in the marriage, but apparently my heart was ready to KNOW. So, I pray that we can both be open to fun, adventure, and the true intimacy that is meant for us; and it works.
That is very encouraging that you understand that God has a purpose behind sex. I really do hope you can get to a place where you feel closer to your husband through sex.
We are very frugal in my household, too.
Neither my husband nor I have paid for a haircut since we got married. I cut his and mine. It’s fun and saves so much money!
We don’t use cloth napkins, but we do use cloth diapers. You have to be careful with which you purchase, but if you get the right ones, this can save a lot of money!
These are some great ideas. I’m feeling inspired to go clean our room. I love those candle holders! That sheer fabric next to the one over your bed just makes me nervous.
What ever position you choose, try it in front of a mirror or camera. It’s about enjoying one another’s bodies and one another’s pleasure. Why miss any of that and what better way? Just a thought.
I agree owning your own feelings is a must. Reading/meditating on scripture helps me replace bad thoughts with good ones and it helps in discovering wrong beliefs and attitudes. It is important to be honest and look at the beliefs behind the feelings so I can grow and change. When I am reactive and stuck, I respond like this Feeling–> Reaction when I am in tune with the spirit I can slow down my reactivity and it looks like this Feeling->Belief->Action. I can then examine my beliefs and choose my actions.
I used to be one who believed this couldn’t happen to me – until it did. Then a few years later I fell guilty against my wife as well. I know how easy it is to fall into this trap. But I am SO thankful for Christ who helped us rebuild from the ground up, and the marriage today is WAY better than it ever was prior to our fall. Tomorrow we will even celebrate our 28th anniversary!
Your point is well taken though… it’s heartbreaking that there is even a market for Ashley Madison’s garbage. God, forgive us please!
Thank you for your personal perspective on this. I think that affairs are devastating. What is very hard to believe is that people will capitalize on other’s brokenness.
The churches are riddled with problems. They don’t teach all the sex positive messages from the Bible. They teach kids in general that: “sex is bad,dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it” This results in women growing up and adopting self defeated inhibitions about sex.
There is no “school for sex” to teach men how to give their wives great sex. As a result women tell me they feel like a “used piece of meat” having sex with their own husbands and their wam bam thank you maam roll over and go to sleep.
As a result according to Kinsey stats 72% of all women over thirty have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less.
The churches don’t teach men how to be the spiritual leaders in the home.
I wish more couples would realize the benefit of the “hands on” effect. It is so sensual, pleasing and gives you the feeling of being loved and desires.
I can’t say that I always get dressed. There are definitely Saturdays that what I sleep in is what I stay in all day. But, there is definitely something to be said for trying to put effort into your appearance. It makes you feel more confident and shows your husband that you want to look nice for him.
Just being together is the best way for my husband to make me feel attractive. We also try to give the other one the love language that works best. And there’s nothing wrong with a good back massage or just simple hand holding. There are so many ways couples can help one another feel attractive! Thank you for the reminders!
My Hubs and I love to spend time together. Usually just a hot drink together while the kiddos are napping, but it sure does help us feel more connected. Thanks for the post, I think that it is SO important to invest in your marriage! 🙂
Every couple, particularly the newly married need to read this article. It such simple small things that others tend to forget or take for granted that will then lead to a bigger divide. This post is good, I tell you
I’m revamping my wardrobe right now to add more pieces that I feel confident in and that complement my current shape. It’s amazing how changing a few simple things can change the way feel about ourselves.
I used to feel a bit self-conscious when taking photos, but I was able to get over that by taking ‘selfies’. I never posted them on anything, just kept them on my phone and deleted them afterwards, but it made me more comfortable in front of the camera when taking photos with others.
Spicy tips for sure! The lighting tip was my favorite. Just make sure your relationship is rock solid before bringing a camera into your intimate moments. Could led to some potentially embarrassing scenarios down the road.
These are wonderful tips for marriage! I have to say that being OK with how I look has been very hard for me….but knowing my husband loves me and my body (after 4 kids) makes it a lot better!
You have to be honest with your partner about what you want and also what you are comfortable with. After 25 years I think we got this part down. Good piece. Have a great weekend.
Yes, having self-confidence is key to developing physical intimacy. When I am not feeling good about my fitness or eating habits and the resulting appearance of my body, it is hard to be confident in the bedroom with my husband. One thing I remind myself and others of is that (hopefully) our body is the only one that our husbands will look at and touch in the flesh. To him, it is a thing of beauty no matter what because it belongs to him and him alone. We need to let our husbands enjoy our bodies so they are satisfied with us only. Great, provocative post!
This is a great list of specific actions! My husband and I are both struggling a little bit individually with appreciating how we look but for some reason when we are together, there’s no awkwardness or hesitation. I think part of it is because he is so enthusiastic. I know when he looks at me that there is no one else more desirable to him in the world, and it’s hard to not catch that excitement.
This is a great list for all married couples to read. I like the idea of using Christmas lights in the bedroom. What a fun, unique way to add ambiance lighting to a romantic setting!
My husband does a really great job of making me feel attractive. My favorite is the little wink he gives me when we’re in public. It reminds me of his love and is super flirtatious 🙂
Wow Keelie! I LOVED THIS POST! Thank you for being real. I so often feel alone in this area. I get annoyed reading blogs that are like “oh we are all beautiful in our own special way…you just need to embrace your beauty…find something you like… ” BLAH, blah, blah! I know they mean well, but that kind of talk does nothing for me.
I hate water parks. I used to LOVE them, and could have so much fun, until I woke up and realized every woman there had a much better body than I do. My husband doesn’t agree, and claims he still loves my body, but it’s hard! And I so know what you mean. Of course teens will have flatter tummies, but these sexy mamas with their kids in tow, ouch!
I wish I had read this eons ago! I wish I knew you personally and could have shared this before, it would have saved me so much agony. My husband has this stupid habit of getting mad at me when I get down on myself. It’s so annoying! If I feel badly about myself and dare say it out loud, he starts to get mad and/or annoyed. He’ll say stupid things like “we won’t even go to the pool on vacation if it makes you feel so badly.” Oh great! So I get to be the one who ruins everyone’s fun? I’ve even tried going and just sitting quietly by myself, not bothering a soul. Why can’t he just leave me alone with my insecurities? As you said, they’ll pass. I wish he’d just leave me alone and have fun, but he won’t.
Anyhow, THANK YOU for being real! It is so much easier to take you seriously and listen to your advice knowing that you’ve been there and you UNDERSTAND!
I’m so thankful that my experiences touched you. It was a very difficult thing for me to go to the waterpark this summer with my friends. I still deal with the thoughts of what I saw there. I already am working on my game plan of how I will handle this situation next summer if I end up at the beach or waterpark again.
I know why your husband gets upset when you get down on yourself. He takes it personally, because he finds you to be amazingly beautiful, and you are telling him he is wrong for thinking that. Sure, it is going to make him feel defensive. If your children started talking about how stupid they are or dumb they are, wouldn’t you want to put a stop to that kind of negative talk right away? Sure you would. You love them! He wants to do the same thing for you. Does this mean he is handling it well when you get down on yourself? No, probably not, but you can at least identify with where he is coming from when he gets mad. He just wants you to know that he loves you, but not doing the best job at it sometimes, am I right? 😀
I do have a lot of things that I try to do to see the beauty in myself. I have written some posts that say you should get in the mirror and find those things you like about yourself. That certainly does help for a time, but it DOESN’T make all the insecurities go away. You, me, every person on the planet, will deal with our insecurities, no matter what we look like.
On my strong days…I walk out the door and think, “I look amazing!”. On my weak days…I walk out the door and think, “I hope no one looks at me today”. We have to accept both days…the ones we are full of confidence and the ones when we aren’t. Yes, it will pass, but while we are in it, it sucks and we can say it sucks. On the bleh days…we should own our feelings of inadequacy just as much as we should own our feelings of accomplishment on the good days.
What a post! So much work and so many tips and this was such a refresher (coz we all forget after being married for this long!)
Thank u! Totally enjoyed it and Ive saved it too 🙂
I love taking pictures together. Plus, with digital cameras and camera phones, you can actually perfect one photo to keep with you whenever you’re feeling less than sexy!
Very good advice! And may I add, the best “accessory” we can have is our spouse. The love you have for eachother will make both of you exude with happiness that can transcend to others…
Taking time to be intimate with your spouse is so important and it is a great way to reconnect. This should be a priority in every marriage. Great tips!
These are some great tips! It’s awesome when you and your spouse can find each other’s groove. My husband just called me on his lunch break to ask me out on a date tonight, and it totally made my day. He almost always calls on his lunch break, and it’s great to know he’s thinking of me.
This was a great post! Me and my husband have double sinks in our bathroom so we are always in the mirror together. We also make sure to have professional photos done once a year 🙂
Very interesting, not the type of article you read everyday. But these things need to be thought and talked about. It’s all part of a successful relationship.
Hahaha…you’re response made me laugh, because I’m a marriage and sex blogger, so I read these types of articles every day! Lol…I’m glad that you found it interesting. Thanks for stopping by to check it out.
I liked this post. Hubby and I have been married 10 years but we still flirt. It makes it fun and exciting! I am going to give a few of these ideas a try too!
Leila, I’ve been married for 12 years, and I can say that 10 years into it, we really started committing to doing more to be intimate. That is why our sex life took off. I hope that the same will happen for you. 🙂
Wow, great tips. Lots of these make me feel super insecure, and I don’t think I’d be able to do them. I really struggle with intimacy in my marriage due to insecurities. Another one I thought of (because it’s a struggle for me as well) is dancing with your partner.
I completely understand Grace. It is so hard to be vulnerable, even in our marriages. That is why it is good to pick one thing and go for it. Over time, you will warm up to it and it will help you. Good luck on finding ways to be more secure in who you are. It is so important that you do that.
My other half and I put on some weight due going on a lot of dates which includes eating a lot.Recently I went back to yoga and she came along she loved it.That what makes us feel attrative
Yoga is great for your mind and your strength. That is great to work out with your significant other. Anytime you can do things together as a couple, it can really build your bond.
There are certainly great tips in this post. I did not think about the mirror in this way, new trick to put in my sexy tool box thank you. I agree with you about the lighting, it can certainly create the ambiance in the room and toss in a little back ground music. Candles have a way of flicking dancing shadows across the walls and keep a room warm as well. Thanks for a great post.
These are some great tips. I don’t feel attractive and I don’t know if there’s anything he can do to change that. He’s highly attracted to me even though I don’t quite see why. I certainly couldn’t stand in the mirror next to him. He’s looking better than ever these days. Makes me feel worse.
Great article, I can certainly relate. The one thing I would add is hearing from God. I ask Jesus to tell me the truth about how he feels about me. And then I listen and I write down his answer. (John 10:4 says that his sheep follow him because they know his voice.) And he is never condemning for there is no condemnation in Christ. When condemning thoughts come, they are never from Jesus but they are from the thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So I can reject those thoughts and send them to the cross of Jesus for judgment. And then I listen as Jesus gives me the truth about who I am in him. When I do this, I am very strong.
“Honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Her freely giving her body over to my authority is a beautiful act of kindness, grace, and love. How much mutual submission, respect, and love could there be if I had to demand her physical affection? How much trust would I feel if she took me without my consent? What kind of affection would I be able to offer her if she insisted it was her right to take from me?”
Thanks Stu! It’s interesting you pulled that particular quote, because it wasn’t in my outline. It kinda just came out as I was writing! Right from the gut, I suppose. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
I recently did a survey about this passage (need to write that post one day!). One finding was that 57% of respondents agree or agreed strongly with the statement that “my spouse should have sex with me whenever I want.”
Austin – just realized that this comment was misplaced. I meant for it to go in the “Does My Spouse’s Body Belong to Me?” post. Sorry about that!
It wasn’t a scientific survey at all. I keep survey running on my blog all the time, usually around a topic I intend to post about. This was just one of the surveys I ran for a few months concerning the 1 Cor 7 passage. Interesting results.
I’ll be interested to see your post on mutual respect because that’s how we’ve applied this scripture. He respects how he grabs me because I have some past trauma. So, even though my body is his, his hands are mine. I ask that his hands only touch things in certain situations that won’t trigger bad memories. In turn, I give and receive while taking other things into consideration that are important to him.
Awesome insights Bonny! I know Austin shared with me that he needed to add those concepts into a post at some point. Respect is key in your marriage. I completely understand past abuses and other scenarios that cause us to feel bad when touched a certain way. I am glad you and your husband have communicated those different touches to one another and respect each other! That is certainly something that others struggle with. We’ll be sure to add a follow up article to this one. 😀
I didn’t think about that angle when writing this, Bonny. It’s a good thing to keep in mind though, and it’s a great application of the point I was hoping to make. Thanks for the input!
This is really good! I’ve definitely had weeks where I feel like I am failing at everything. Getting down on myself definitely puts me into the negative cycle you talked about. Speaking positive things to myself and moving on from mistakes is something I’ve been trying to do instead.
Pumpkins are only for eating in my book, too! Yep, holidays can take some figuring out. It took a few years for my husband to understand how important Chinese New Year is to me (I’m not Chinese, but I grew up in Asia)–he only really got it the first time we were living in Asia during CNY and he saw first-hand how big of a deal it is in our community. We just figure traditions out as we go. 🙂
I would have never thought about Chinese New Years! That is a brilliant example of how we have to really listen to our spouse when it comes to traditions and the holidays.
As a mom, it can be harder for me to feel beautiful when I’m so busy taking care of everyone else and don’t have as much time as I did before kids to take care of myself. However, when you’re focused on meeting the needs of others, you have less time for comparisons. So I guess it’s a balance. Funny enough, my post today was about being confident and comfortable in who God created us to be and the difference between how children see themselves and how adults see themselves. Hurray for embracing our beautiful uniqueness!
Yay! Hooray for embracing our own beautiful uniqueness.:) I agree. It can be hard to set aside time to take care of yourself with young kids around. It is a battle I have fought for a long time, but one worth fighting.
Absolutely, completely agree! Kissing is a must. At least it is in my marriage.
My wife and I did pre-marital counseling in which the couple asked about the whole “first kiss at the altar” thing. I said I wasn’t a big believer in that, because kissing is way too important in a marriage to go untested. You need to know if there is chemistry, and kissing is a good, biblical way to find out.
I LOVE kissing my wife, and have enjoyed that for almost 30 years now. (I met her in December 1985.)
We believe it’s important to kiss and say goodbye whenever we part. We will never know when the last parting will come.
On any given weekday, I wake up hours before Tiffani does. I get ready for work, and then go over and give her a quick snuggle on the bed, and a kiss on her cheek or forehead. Sometimes she knows I’m there, and other times she is fully asleep. But I would never trade that moment for anything – it doesn’t matter how much of a hurry I may be in. SHE is too important to me.
Good post, Austin! I think you’ve pretty well nailed the list, but… (don’t ya love those ‘buts’?) 😉
Having walked through this firsthand in our marriage, and knowing what the entire process looks like from the inside, I would put forgiveness literally in between each and every one of the other items. As those ugly memories keep assaulting you day after day (and sometimes minute by minute), one learns really quick how to KEEP forgiving over and over until eventually it becomes a non-issue. While you’re in the thick of it all, and the emotions are running at extreme levels, one day you can feel like “I’ve got this whipped, I’m gonna be ok”, and the very next day you’re ready to hunt down the spouse’s affair partner and re-create a Picasso painting using their facial features. It really does swing from one extreme to the other, but as with all pendulums, as you and your spouse keep working on all the other items on the list, the pendulum swings get slower and shorter each time. Eventually you’ll find it at a complete standstill. That day is a WONDERFUL day, believe me.
Thanks for adding your voice to this topic, I really appreciate it!
Wow, great point, Jason! Thanks for the first-hand input. I admit I was writing theoretically, not from experience, so I really appreciate the perspective. I think you’re dead on. I think adding forgiveness as a daily process holds true for any conflict, and especially this situation. You have that first conscious decision to forgive, and then remind yourself everyday to keep forgiving them.
I think kissing is important. But there are so many kinds of kisses out there. I think there needs to be more different kinds of kisses. More passionate and making out when kids aren’t around and the simple kisses when kids are around. Variety to spice it up and keep the romance alive.
We didn’t hit this problem until we had our first child. We did a lot of research on the root each holiday (where did it come from, why this or that is done) and adjusted them and made some new family traditions. I was surprised by what we learned and how we go with the flow or try to justify what we are doing. Everyone lives by different convictions, but we all have the same Creator who sent us Jesus. 🙂 One of our biggest challenges were birthdays and cards. His family often forgot his birthday. Sometimes he would get a cake. Where as my family made sure we had a cake (homemade or store bought for an occassional party -I had two), speacial dinner with my grandparents coming over, and gifts. We decided not to go with the other siblings -huge party every year- but rather have a speacial dinner with our family and cake and a gift or two. Now that we are away from our parents, we go to the restraunt of their choice.
Yeah, we did the same thing for birthdays growing up. Mom would let us have our choice of meal and she would decorate the cake however we wanted. My husband didn’t do much in the way of birthday celebrations. We basically adopted our own.
It was interesting to read how something as small and unimportant (to me) as a pumpkin could become an issue or something to be stubborn about. No doubt there is something in my life that I think is important, but that would seem minor to someone else. It’s interesting how deeply those family traditions can get embedded in the psyche.
Kissing goodbye, kissing hello, kissing good morning, kissing good night – this is extremely important habit. When I was in relationship and I didn’t get a kiss, I thought something was wrong. Nothing was, really. Some people just didn’t develope this habit. They should, though. It’s very enjoyable!
Damn…. I’m single 🙂 I would like the reward for the best pickup line though 😀
It’s a good idea to have something fun in relationship. Because we tend to fall in a routine and get bored. Relationship without great activities is like a sea without salt
Wow, Keelie. There’s about a years-supply of ideas here with all the links. Good job on a lot of work. I like the sexy picture dare because both are actively involved and there is a subtle power exchange that can take place as one photographs the other.
So sad. I tried this idea. I told my husband I had a “costume” for his eyes only. He acted excited this afternoon. But, alas, he fell asleep on the couch around 7:30, like usual, and is snoring away. Work wins again. Oh well. Maybe next year.
Don’t give up hope! Try again another night with your costume. The same thing happened to my husband and I. I wanted to have an after party with him, but we were both exhausted after running trunks for a trunk or treat and taking the kids all around the neighborhood. Then we had so many things to do once we got home. We are going to have a rain check on the “after party”. I hope you will try again, too!
Hi Keelie, thanks for the encouragement. I guess I could try again next year.
Every time I try to do something bold and sexy it goes wrong. At least your husband and you were both tired from doing something fun together. My husband is tired because work takes precedence and I think he sleeps to avoid me. He could stay awake if there was a job at work that needed doing. I bought something sexy for Christmas Eve – he fell asleep before the kids did. I tried again and bought another piece of lingerie for his birthday – that one I put on – but he was too stressed and tired to react the way I had hoped. Then he felt super bad when I changed back into regular clothes and told him to just forget about it. Well, he acted like he felt bad, but I’m pretty sure he’s just tying to guilt trip me. It took me a looooong time to get over that one, and I finally started believing him again that he loves me and is still attracted to me, but Halloween just proved that he could care less about me, my feelings, or our sex life. If he cared, he would have asked to see my costume another day. He’s just acting like he doesn’t even remember. But he never forgets anything about work! Work is his life, his true love. I just live here.
That is sooooo hard to deal with! I am so sorry for you. 🙁 My heart breaks for those that have stories just like you. I think that J over at Hot Holy Humorous would have a lot of great articles for you. She talks all the time about women that have husbands with a low sex drive or dealing with similar issues to you. You are not alone! Lots of other women have stories just like yours. I’m going to send you some great resources through email! Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. I appreciate you reading along.
I completely agree with this! .. Right now I go every two weeks shopping, but even then if we run out of milk we have to find other alternatives. My hubby sometimes complains there isn’t any food 😉 But really, the quick meals are gone so it take more effort !
When both spouses strive to be completely hidden in Christ, respect and honor is easy. Of course, I know we are human and we mess up, that’s when grace and compassion, as you said, come into play. Thanks for this article.
I’m with ya, Bonny! When we do it the right way, in theory, it’s easy and wonderful. It’s when we do that whole “being human” thing that messes us up! 🙂
hahaha…that is good to hear. 🙂 I just realized I have a few bedroom games I haven’t taken time to release yet. I will have to do that soon! None of them use mirrors though. Wonder if I should put together a game that uses mirrors. hmmmm.
Great post! My wife and I just had this conversation! Thanksgiving needs to be a “Heart Condition” all year long, and not a once a year event. True thankfulness completely changes your outlook on life on a daily basis! Thank you for your time in this blog.
Dave
Upon first reading your post, I disagreed with moving “love” to the top of the list. Speaking from experience (sadly), loving feelings return much later. I see your point about love being an action, not a feeling, and I agree.
My steps of affair recovery would read :
1. Commitment (to the relationship and the process)
2. Patience (with myself and him)
3. Hope (that good will come from the mess)
4. Understanding (of his feelings and my own) which could also be described as Respect.
5. Forgiveness
I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that. 🙁 It is so hard to re-build after trust has been broken. When you look at love as an action and not just an emotion, it makes a difference. I think in your process, you showed love, but probably didn’t feel good things towards your spouse.
Thank you for sharing your process. It is so helpful to hear how others have dealt with infidelity in their marriage.
these look interesting. Have you read Love and Respect? We’ve been working our way through that book and it’s been really eye opening! I think one advantage to reading a marriage book together is that it gets you talking. And open communication is so very important to good teamwork in marriage.
This is so true! Sometimes we need a “time-out” and going to bed can be the perfect way to take a break from the fight and prevent things from escalating. Great post!
Something that I’ve said since I was a teenager, if not younger is that I’ll never use the phrase, “Because I’m the parent and I said so!” with my children. Besides (or possibly because) my parents using the phrase to my annoyance occasionally, I think that kids are more likely to obey a rule if they understand the reasoning behind it.
I haven’t had the chance to go back on this one yet, since my wife and I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet.
It really is helpful to explain to your kids if they can understand your reasoning. I know that we always try to explain it to our kids first, but then there comes a point where we do have to tell them, “because I said so”. I have some strong willed kids. 😀 I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling in getting pregnant. I hope that will change for you.
Good for you! We absolutely need to stand up against the rise of porn in our culture.
Once upon a time, you had to actively seek porn, but these days you have to actively avoid it because it’s everywhere. And it’s taking a toll on us as individuals, couples, and society. Thanks for speaking up, Keelie!
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
More and more research is coming out that shows just how damaging it is, all religious convictions aside. It is my prayer that porn will become like cigarettes, that as we discover what a cancer porn fuels, it will become gross and unacceptable. There will still be a few addicts here and there, but at least in my state, it is pretty much illegal to smoke anywhere indoors. You now have to go out of you way and be highly inconvenienced to feed that addiction. I hope porn becomes the same. And similar to smoking, it was the science that ultimately made it unpopular. Scripture is clearly against addiction, so I love it when science confirms what we as Christians already know to be true. Great post!
So true. I hope it’ll stop being acceptable, but I don’t know if it will. It’s one of these subjects I think we’ve avoided. We can’t avoid it now though.
Congrats again on your innovative suggestions for a very relevant topic. You always tastefully fill in so many practical details for married couples and we appreciate that!
Honoured to make your list.
I especially like this list because you run/read in slightly different circles than we do and there are some great blogs here I don’t promote often enough.
I could not agree more! These are people I would love to meet one day and just hang out with a cup of coffee.
I would be like a sponge and just soak things up.
Hi Keelie! Happy New Year! I’ve tried to make sex a priority, but it’s just not that important to my husband. 🙂 Being the higher drive spouse stinks! The lower drive spouse ALWAYS gets their way. And being a higher drive wife stinks double, because not only do you not get your needs met by the man you love, you realize you’re not as loveable or attractive as the wives who have husbands that pursue them.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I enjoy sex with my husband so much. We do it about once a week, which I understand might sound like a lot to some men (the ones who have higher drives than their wives). But after a couple days, I start to go crazy. I feel like I repulse him. He keeps saying “why didn’t you tell me you were feeling that way?” But we’ve been down that road and I will not beg him for sex. I’d rather him actually desire me as opposed to “give in”.
Anyhow, you posted “The number of times you have sex in a week is going to depend on you and your spouse. Have the conversation with your lover about whether or not the frequency of your love making is working for you.” And I just wanted to point out that the lower drive spouse controls EVERYTHING, including the self worth of the HDS. We’ve had the conversation, and sometimes he acts sad that I feel the way I do. But obviously he’s happy with the way things are. I think he feels special because he “forces” himself to be with me once a week. The annoying thing is he talks like he’s into me, and like he’s more attracted to me than he is anyone else, but his actions scream louder than his words.
I’m starting to hate sex. I spend more time trying to turn myself off, trying to NOT want my husband, trying to squash my own desire for him so I don’t have to feel like an oversexed loser. It’s exhausting!
I hope some of these writers will help you. There are a lot of higher drive wives out there that struggle to get their husbands on the same page with them. In a lot of marriages, one person will have a higher drive then the other person and it will flip flop over the years.
It sounds like you want sex to be a priority, but your spouse doesn’t. The situation you are in is hard for both you and your spouse. He likely struggles to say no to you and you struggle to be told no, as all of us would be. Rejection in marriage comes in many forms, and none of those rejections go over well.
This year, you can work towards finding ways to meet your spouse’s needs. I’m not saying to never ask to have your needs met, or to ask for sex. It will help the intimacy in your marriage (which is way more then just sex) if you will talk with him and find out what you can do to be a better wife for him. It will make way for you to have the conversations with him of how he can be a better husband.
I know it is exhausting to work so hard to get yourself out of the mood and not feel turned on. I hate that you guys are in this position.
Thanks for your reply. Thank you Kathy, I don’t think its a medical thing, and he hasn’t been to a doctor in ten years. I’d have to literally drag him there. I think he’s just not that into me.
What’s even more frustrating is, like today, he came home from work and he was acting lovey and huggy and I was like “please stop. I just got myself all calmed down and I do not want to get wound up again for no reason.” He doesn’t even realize that I’ve wanted to be with him for three days and nothing! That I’ve been walking around all wound up and it’s torture! When I finally squash those desires, the last thing I want to do is fire them up again. And he gets all sad. And then he is just quiet the rest of the day, like I did something wrong. I’m not the one who thinks I’m repulsive, he is! He says he feels bad that I feel so badly about myself. But wouldn’t any woman who had a husband that wasn’t very interested? Especially If she, like me, were really interested in him? I wish I could hate sex. I wish I were the low drive spouse. I wish I was a normal woman who could take or leave it. I’ve thought about visiting the low drive wife blogs and asking them what I can do to turn off my desires for my husband. But I’m afraid of offending them. And just like every night, I’m sitting here reading this and feeling ugly, inside and out, while he’s sleeping peacefully. What a way to celebrate New Years Eve.
A lot of times I think he just should have married a sweeter, prettier, low sex drive woman. He’d be so much happier.
I’m so sorry you’re in this spot. It’s hard to be where you are. I know you’re disappointed and it’s so easy to think his lack of desire had to do with you. The truth is, a low drive sex drive in a person doesn’t normally have much to do with the other person. His lack of drive has to do with him more than you. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it feels like it’s something wrong with you or something you are lacking. Really, though, his lack of drive isn’t your fault. I’m sorry for you to deal with this. :/
Keelie,
Thanks so much for the link up. It’s good to see other marriage bloggers making a difference in our culture’s view of marriage. It’s not easy, but no relationship will thrive without intentional pursuit by husband and wife to grow and change.
May your new year be full of God’s blessings,
Debi
Do you ever have family meetings, with your husband and kids? We’ve started doing this every 1-2 months, and it has been awesome. We review everyone’s goals and talk about what’s coming up for our family. It’s pretty simple, but it helps keep us intentional.
Well, we have meetings with one another as a couple. I wouldn’t say we have too many meetings with the kids per say. My oldest is 10. So, the only thing we talk about with the boys is how their school projects are coming and what they need help with. Our discussion time is during dinner and we are pretty intentional with them at that point.
Thank you for this article. I am not married but currently in a long term relationship. I love him so much but my sex drive has plummeted over the past 2 years (together over 4 years). I feel so guilty. I’ve come to the realization that there is no manual I can give him about how to turn me on and that its going to take more effort from myself to get in the sheets.
Wow… Rene’ that is so hard. Many women feel the way you do. Your sex drive can be affected by so many different things. It could be hormones, a mental barrier you need to deal with, or just a stage in your life where you feel very tired. Either way, I think you are right, you have to make the effort. Don’t forget, that sexual intimacy is as much for you as it is for your significant other. I will tell you that I hold the belief that sex is for those that are married, and I realize that you are not. All of my posts will be from the perspective of a married individual, so I am not sure how that will translate for someone who is not in a marriage, but a long-term relationship like you are. Thanks for reading along with me. I really appreciate it. I hope that you will consider talking with your doctor about your sex drive. It might be something they can assist you with.
Hi Keelie! I wrote a long comment today and then my device froze. Grrr! So I’m gonna try again…
I thought I’d read on here about asking your spouse “what can I do to be a better wife in 2016?” But I can’t find the post so I’m commenting here. Anyhow… I did ask my husband and he said “communicate more.” Huh? A guy that wants more communication? Sometimes I really think he and I are backwards.
Anyhow, I’ve always been the initiator sexually. When I started reading marriage blogs a few years ago, I realized this was really abnormal. Most wives have husbands that can’t keep their hands to themselves and beg them for sex. I was sad to learn I had been such a fool. So I stopped. My husband was going through a rough patch, and so his lack of desire coupled with what I was reading showed me that I was far uglier and repulsive to him than I ever knew. (Now he says that is not true at all, that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful, blah, blah…. But his lack of interest told me the truth.)
Okay so fast forward to now, and things in our marriage are starting to improve. We still do not have sex anywhere near as often as I’d like. He seems to be satisfied with once a week. I wish I wasn’t so attracted to him, or that he was more attracted to me, but that’s beside the point. So the other morning he wakes me up and gives me a hug, and I decide to go for it, and I start kissing him back. I decide to get over my fear, be vulnerable again, and I sent him every signal, I could not have been more obvious. (How this extremely intelligent man can be hit in the face with hints galore and miss every one is beyond me. It’s actually mind boggling.) So I’m nuzzling up to him and he stands up and says “I’m going to get coffee. Would you like coffee?” OUCH! Shot down AGAIN! HARSH!!
So I rolled over, and while he was gone and I was telling myself how stupid I was, and how repulsive I must be to him, and promising myself never to initiate again, and I really should just wear a shirt that says “REJECT” or “TOO UGLY TO LOVE”, I am generally feeling sorry for myself. But it was time to get up for church so I got up and got ready.
Well, later that day I remembered his comment about “communicating more.” So I went ahead and told him “I felt really rejected this morning and it hurt.” And he’s all like “what are you talking about?” And I said “when I was coming on to you and you shot me down and went to get coffee.” And he says “you didn’t come on to me. I tried coming on to you and you weren’t interested.” I was like “that is so NOT true! I came on to you and you wanted no parts of me.” Now I’m getting mad because I think he’s just saying whatever to try to get out of the fact that he has no interest in me. Why does he do this? What is so wrong with me that I am the one woman on earth who has to constantly pursue her husband? I just wish once, I could know what it’s like to actually have someone desire you. (The husband I love, I mean.) And if he’s telling the truth, how can he be so completely clueless that I was the one coming on to him? And he should know by now that I don’t turn him down, so where’d he get that wrong idea? My husband is no dummy, he is very smart and excellent at reading people. All except me, apparently. So that’s why I don’t believe he misses hints or misunderstands, I think he just uses that as an excuse to reject me. And if I’m so repulsive to him, why does he act like he cares if my feelings get hurt? It’s SO FRUSTRATING!
Anyhow, thanks for listening. At least I communicated with him like he asked. I guess that’s one positive.
As far as you being a higher drive wife…sweety you are not alone. Check out J over at Hot Holy Humorous. http://hotholyhumorous.com/ She writes as a woman who’s the higher drive.
It is sooooo hard to be rejected in any way by our spouse, whether sexual or otherwise. I know how hard it is on you.
As far as your husband is concerned, I’m not there, so I can’t possibly make a judgement call. I will say that unless you say the words, “I want to have sex right this minute”, then he very well may be misinterpreting what you want from him. I remember the times I would put the moves on Austin and he wasn’t sure if I was or not. Both of us decided that instead of trying to give each other the signal…we would just say the words, “let’s have sex”. I found that to really help us.
Don’t give up hope on your sex life or your husband. It takes years and years and years to build a great sex life….
I would encourage you to continue to communicating with him. Go slow, and don’t attack. Just keep sharing your feelings with him. It is going to take a long time, years even, for him to understand what you need sexually. The other thing is, your sexual needs will change, and so will his.
You aren’t alone in this. There are many couples out there dealing with the same issues as you. Keep working at it, don’t give up hope.
I’ve also used words during sex like, “Ouch. Move, please.” Lol.
I agree entirely that you have to be willing to communicate. There are also many ways you can essentially say, “Can we have sex?” — and we definitely employ that perspective to make sure we’re on the same page. It also helps in case one of us is willing but not mentally there yet…so we can start the anticipation and build-up.
Sex is marriage is definitely not like in the movies. It’s better! But it does take going through some awkward moments to reach that point.
I agree completely that verbalizing before, during and after a physcial encounter is very important. Especially because this is such a vulnerable and difficult area for so many to talk about, it’s also important to realize that how you say it is just as important as what you say.
One suggestion I would have is that rather than asking, “can we?” or “do you want to?” it might be better to state your desire. Something like, “I really want you, and I’d love it if we could make love tonight.” Maybe it’s just me but the idea of stating your desire instead of asking “permission” is a better way to approach it. I’m interested ot see if others agree.
Those are some great points Scot! I am glad you brought it up. Every couple does need to figure out how to communicate in a way that will appeal to their spouse. I’m so blunt and direct that me asking, “Hey you want to?” Or “Are we going to?” has worked in our marriage. I like your ideas of how to initiate in a way that is less blunt, but still direct. 😀 I’m not so good at that.
Yes, I would like to know how others clearly communicate it with their spouse also!
Great read Keelie! Reduce waste and fertilize a garden really a nice idea. We all prepare monthly budget and follow that to save few pennies. As we know how to fridge extra food, we also have to know how to recycle our kitchen waste. By the way we are also wastage manager of our own kitchen 🙂
when the question (from either spouse) is, ‘do ya wanna?’ ; ) let your answer be ‘yes’ unless you physically can’t. You’ll both feel loved and desired by not being turned down and by connecting again.
Wow. As a marriage blogger, I always feel a little bad that I don’t adore Valentine’s Day like I should. Spock and I barely celebrate it, but I do think it’s a nice idea to set aside time to celebrate love. Your decorations are wonderful! Enjoy the day thoroughly. 🙂
Some excellent advice there. Be nice to your spouse. Such a simple thing, but has such impact. I find that being especially sweet to my husband pays big dividends. He feels loved…and is more willing to do things with and for me.
Comparison is a no no if you want anything to work out well for you. At times, you can learn from others. But too often when we compare ourselves to others (especially those doing better than us) we start ignoring all the positive things we have, and that’s a slippery road…
Ugh. Communication is one of our biggest issues, but we’re working on it. I don’t like asking for anything. Gifts, needs, anything. Until very recently, I’ve been the initiator most of our marriage. When I started to believe most of the time we made love he was giving me “pity sex” I stopped asking altogether. We’ve discussed this, and he would like me to tell him when I’m in the mood, but I’m so afraid to go back there. I figure if he wants romance, he will let me know. If I have to ask for it, then he will just give in and do it because he wants me to be happy. But I don’t want him to make love to me because he feels obligated to, I want him to want to. And how will I know if he ever wants to, if I’m the one who has to keep asking?
By the way, since I’ve stopped bringing it up, our sex life has slowed down. It always slows down until I can’t stand it anymore and I finally say something. But I don’t want it to be that way! It really makes me feel like he’s not in love with me, but fulfilling some obligation.
I wouldn’t mind so much telling him when I’m feeling romantic, if he would do the same. But he doesn’t, and so I don’t either. So often nothing happens, and that proves my theory that he’s just not that into me. 🙁
So I think this is great advice for women who know their husbands desire them, but not so much for those of us who are tired being given “pity sex”.
That is such a tough place to be in! There are many women that have a higher sex drive then their husbands and they have the same feelings as you. Most higher drive spouses struggle with similar feelings. You can check out some of the advice that J over at http://hotholyhumorous.com/ gives. She is a higher drive spouse and shares her journey.
Being in your place is very hard. I know how you feel about not wanting pity sex, but I do encourage you to keep initiating and keep pursuing your husband. If he is willing to be with you sexually, you might consider being with him. Just because he doesn’t initiate doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy time with you or want it. I think it can be hard to initiate for a lower drive spouse. They will gladly take part in the physical time, but really stink at asking for it.
I hope that you and your husband can find ways to be intimate and grow together.
Hi Keelie, thank you for the links. I have been blessed by both of those blogs. I’m really touched that Bonny has been addressing this on her blog, since she mainly deals with the opposite problem.
It is hard. It’s even harder because I’m pretty sure my husband does love me. It’s just hard that he’s not attracted to me. Or at least it sure feels that way. I know it seems like it’s hard for the low drive spouse to initiate, but do they know how painful that is for their spouse? It’s just a crappy feeling to know your husband isn’t really all that interested in you. especially when everything else you read is about husbands who can’t get enough and why their wives should oblige. That’s just not true in my marriage and I wish I knew why. I’ve offered to change everything I can about my appearance, but that upsets him. I don’t think he understands how badly I feel. Or he just doesn’t care.
Thank you for listening. I know I complain way too much. This year I need to pray more and focus on the things that are good. There is a lot of good.
I enjoy your posts. Sometimes I just wish the romance part wasn’t all on me. I’m so sorry but I HATE Valentines Day. Just another day to either have to beg for a flower, or be crushed that I’m not worth the time. I don’t think you should have to ask for gifts, nor is it polite. I wish my husband would just think enough of me to stop and get a flower – just one measly flower – it could be a carnation, whatever, I don’t care! It’s the thought that would matter. He will probably give me some cheesy, mass produced, poorly written greeting card that means nothing. Words are his language but definitely NOT mine!
Oh well. Thanks for listening to me vent. He is a good man and he does provide a good life for us. I just wish he’d ask me to provide more in the bedroom. 🙂
“WHAT IF I BLESS THEM AND THEY DON’T BLESS ME BACK?”
an understandable question, yet it comes from the wrong place mentally. go in thinking of your action as a gift (blessing!) to your spouse. then it’s not scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-yours, but a true gift. this will be a stretch, but your spouse is worth it! 🙂
We do not celebrate Valentines Day, we celebrate my husband’s birthday. M’eh I knew this going into the relationship so I knew it would always be his day. Thanks for sharing on the #HomeMattersParty – I hope you will join us, next week.
I would say read the Bible together each night before bed (as often as you can, anyway). We have so been enjoying doing this since the beginning of the year, and have had great discussions! 🙂
Great post! I really think it’s important to try to “grow” sexually and try things outside your comfort zone. You never know what you might end up liking.
If your spouse blesses you in this way, make sure to thank them and be grateful! Tell him/her how awesome it was and how much it means to you.
Most people are way too busy, especially people with kids. If our kids aren’t super busy, they’ll never get into a good college, etc….
1 Timothy 6:6-10
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and[a] we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.
Great advice!! I think kindness and understanding go a long way in marriage. Our first year was tough as we weeded out selfishness and priorities, but I’m thankful for a Godly spouse and marriage that is a blessing! Date night tonight! 😀
Isn’t the blogging community amazing? I love connecting with like-minded creatives like yourself. I need to check out periscope. I’m a little late to the party!
I follow this list too, Keelie! Also, I’ve enjoyed following along with your blog more recently. I remember seeing your blog a while back from a group or something but now I’m happy to have networked even more with you. 🙂
Yes, holding Mr. Piffles was great. 🙂 He is a sweet little dog. At one point during the show, he was barking to get down and eat the food that was on the stage. Too cute!
Hmmmm….I don’t know what that means. 🙂 Email me at lovehopeadventure.com@gmail.com and I’ll see what I can do. I will probably have to enlist the help of my techy friends.
Hey Keelie! Thank you for permission to just let it go. I think it’s great that you love the holiday, but I don’t like most holidays. Neither does my husband. We are trying to change that. We both come from non-Christian homes, where love and affection was not really shown, so we are learning together. We don’t hold ill will towards our parents, they weren’t shown love either and I believe they just didn’t know any better.
I’ll admit I envy you when you talk about the things your mom taught you, how she built your confidence. What a blessing! And your childhood Valentines memories, how sweet!
Our holidays typically consist of relatives on either side of the family having forced get togethers and fighting. Ugh! We are trying to make things better for our children by just “popping in” on holidays and avoiding most of the chaos.
I am a work in progress. I used to never express my needs, and just feel neglected when my husband didn’t make me feel loved. Thankfully I’m slowly learning it’s not his job to make me happy. I went too far the other was and instead of having low expectations, I expected to feel nothing but worthless and unimportant. Its a self-defense thing. But we are growing (slowly) and so now I still don’t have big expectations, as I said my husband does not come from an affectionate family, but I’m not going to be negative. I’m going to try to accept that he loves me, I’m going to try really hard to believe that, and just rest.
Great post!
I completely understand B! I was adopted, and there is much brokenness and dysfunction in my natural family. I was so blessed to have people adopt me from that terrible situation. My husband, Austin, comes from a broken family also. Holidays were hard for him growing up. We’ve just gotten to the point where we don’t even pop in on the holidays and make plans to visit on other days. It is ok if holidays are hard, just celebrate all the other times of the year together. That is what we’ve chosen to do in the month of December. We keep everything low stress and we just rejoice in our other times of the year together. You’re not the only one that deals with holiday baggage my friend. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have any baggage for my husband, so it is actually one of the reasons I love it so much. There isn’t unrealistic expectations around this day, so we can just love each other.
I am so glad that you are breaking away from what you grew up with and learning to be a healthier family. Keep going that way.
Thanks for talking about this. I’m re-thinking going outside of my comfort zone. I found the article on Marriage4:29 upsetting and encouraging. It’s great that the author was able to feel so good about herself. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there.
I had a bad experience where I had decided to do basically what she did (although my confidence was lower). I did plan and practice and was ready to surprise my husband. Sadly, through discussion I found out he had had a “professional” personal dance before we were married, yet still dating. I was crushed. I think I’ve forgiven him, as he was so young, unmarried, and unsaved. But it was very upsetting to me because I had thought it would be a special thing between us. However, I cannot and will not, compete with a professional.
My husband claims to feel sad about this. He feels like he’s paying for a stupid mistake he made long ago, as an unsaved young man. I’m not trying to make him pay, but I cannot bring myself to be that vulnerable, not when he already shared what was supposed to be a romantic and sexy and very special moment with a woman who I am sure was MUCH hotter than I could ever be.
And so, that once exciting idea is now way too far out of my comfort zone. I think I need to start smaller. I need to go outside of my comfort zone by trying to think positively. I need to try to force myself to believe he means it when he says he is attracted to me, and that he loves me, and that he only wants to be with me. Believe it or not, believing such things is incredibly uncomfortable for me. It just feels so untrue.
But I do want to forget the past, and believe in his love. I think that would make me a better lover.
I know how hard that has to be for you. One thing to keep in mind here is that he engaged in that activity before you guys were married. It wasn’t anything personal towards you. I hate that it affects you so much, but I know it has to feel devastating.
I hope that you are able to get past the things he did that was wrong, and find ways to forgive him and believe his sincerity. I’m positive he feels that he is being punished in some way for his mistakes. I suspect he still feels guilty about it and regrets it deeply. That is something he can work through and something you guys can work through together.
Dancing for him may not be the thing you should do since it carries baggage. That doesn’t mean you can’t do something else to step outside of your comfort zone. Just start small like you said.
My husband revealed to me when we started seriously dating and were looking towards marriage that he was struggling with a porn addiction. He was a Christian but made some bad choices and friends in school and had been struggling off and on for several years. He felt terrible and apologized and over the year and half before our marriage he confessed to his parents, my parents, and received counseling from our pastor. He fought hard and overcame his addiction. For me, it was very hurtful. And I understand your feelings of “competing with a professional.” I found a few things very helpful: 1. Colossians 3, specifically vs. 13 & 14 – “Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” I read that around the time that he confessed to me and God’s love and forgiveness poured over me and through me. 2) I also recommend Josh Harris’s “Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is.” It helped me as a female to understand what lust is like for a male. It’s not personal to them (even though it is to us.) And also to understand what a widespread struggle this is for our men today. For even “solid” Christians. 3) I confided in a godly friend. She helped me sort through my emotions. She also challenged me to “take every thought captive” and not dwell on the self-doubt.
As far as your dance specifically – it may or may not be a good idea, especially maybe not at this point. NOT because you’d be competing with a professional. Honey, I promise you, if your husband is as you are describing him (committed to you and Jesus and loves you), you blow away anything that happened before your marriage. My husband has told me repeatedly that our physical relationship is better than anything he’s trashed his mind with before because it’s based on just that: a relationship. The reason that I would suggest not dancing, or at least not this time, is because your husband is struggling with guilt. He would probably watch you and love everything you’ve done for him but the reminder of his past indiscretion would shadow a good experience with guilt (NOT the thought that before was better.) He may feel that you’ve done something so beautiful for him that he doesn’t deserve. These are Satan’s thoughts – guilt, paralyzing feelings, self-doubt. God wants you both to have a wonderful, confident physical relationship. You CAN have that. My husband and I have a wonderful physical relationship. But a lot of it hangs on me – have I forgiven him? with God’s grace, yes. Does that mean I never struggle with doubt? no, but with God’s grace, rarely. Have I forgotten? no, but it is not something I think about every time we are intimate. My confidence in my husband’s love (but even more in God’s love because no husband is perfect) allows my husband to be confident in his forgiveness. So, to sum up a long reply: 1) focus on God’s love and forgiveness. 2) Try to understand what lust is to a man and how it is not personal. 3) Take every thought captive. Fight the lies of self-doubt with the truth about God’s love and about your husband’s love. Get help with this if you need it. Realize you’re not alone and Satan would love to tear apart your relationship but God wants to make it whole.
I am sixty nine years old, married these last forty four years to the girl I adored and thought I would love and be loved by for the rest of our lives, having grown up in a family where love was totally absent it only accentuated my feelings of bliss that at last I could experience this exhilarating feeling that comes from both giving and receiving love. The only problem was that this meant that I was inexperienced in knowing how best to express my powerful feelings. The dilemma I faced was that I felt awkward, shy and embarrassed at showing my love and affection while at the same time wanting so much to do just that.
Both virgins on our wedding day, saving ourselves for our special time was so important and while it had been a struggle for me at least, I was glad that I had managed it.
Three children arrived, the first seven years into our marriage, and our relationship seemed all anyone could want it to be. Never were there any serious disagreements and we did what we could to provide a happy and loving environment for our children. The contrast to the upbringing I had, could not have been more evident, I considered myself most fortunate to finally be in a loving relationship. Our sex life was enjoyable if not hugely adventurous and always initiated by me, if I didn`t start it, it didn`t happen. I was slow to pick up on this point and by around 2001 thought that it was only me that was benefiting from our conjugal relations which caused me to have a range of feelings, not the least of which were ones of my inadequacy on my part. I was not giving pleasure to my girl. This did very little for my self confidence and made me wonder if this had been the case all along, could I have missed the signs for thirty odd years? Had I been receiving obligation sex without realizing it all this time? I stopped initiating sex with my wife sometime during 2001 to 2002 and that was the last time we had sex. I mean with anyone, I have never been intimate with anyone other than my wife and I am sure the same applies to her with me and I have no inclination to change that. I will not pretend that this has not had serious consequences on our relationship, it is in a very deep hole, having left me feeling emasculated and inadequate. I am left feeling devoid of love and affection with strong feelings of resentment. In 2014, I attempted to engage in a serious discussion about our relationship as I could see the situation only getting worse otherwise, this was rejected, which left me feeling surprised, disappointed, sad and only built on my already emasculated self. I felt great resentment and anger and sadness that our marriage had degraded to this extent. My great fear is that we have passed the point of no return, for love to form and develop there needs to be a germ, a seed a spark, from which such feelings can flourish, for me that spark has been snuffed out. To imagine how that can be reversed, turned around at this stage, is outside my comprehension, sadly.
Too late, I accept my share of responsibility for where we are today. I at least, assumed that all was rosy, that a good marriage, which I thought we had, could survive without good housekeeping, without conversation directed at maintaining the right environment. If I could give advice to my younger self those forty plus years ago, it would be to be more open and frank in talking through our thoughts, fears, hopes,dreams however awkward and uncomfortable it may seem at the time. Marriage is an investment, maybe not the obvious large financial one such as ones house but an emotional one and no less important. It takes work and the work needs to start early to form the habit.
I would ask that should you use any of my account that my full name should not be made public. Thank you
goodness, that is such a very difficult thing that you are dealing with. I will pray for you and your wife. It is hard to have gotten this far and to feel that disconnected from one another.
From a husband’s point of view, anything involving naked can’t be bad. As long as your going to parade (who doesn’t like a parade?) around the bedroom naked, why not undress each other and add to the anticipation and fun of it? Involve some of that talk too. Tell your spouse what you like about their body. It may even be the freckles on their cheeks or nose, the color of their nails, the shape of their navel or their sacral dimples.
While standing in front of that mirror, have your spouse slowly look over your body and watch their face in the mirror as they pause over the parts that hold their interest.
Great ideas Dan! Love the idea of combining these things. 🙂 I think Valentine’s should be simple and focus on just loving each other in an intimate way.
You’ll notice in my post, Keelie, that I think we men make romance more complicated than it needs to be. I think being consistent with smaller gestures over time means more to wives and makes stronger connections than just hitting the Hallmark days hard.
If your spouse doesn’t want to see you naked, then this likely will not be a turn on for him. That doesn’t mean that you can’t still do it for you to build your own confidence, which I recognize can be hard to do with a husband who openly shares he doesn’t like your body. I would encourage you to continue doing the things that help you feel like the beautiful woman that I know you are. I would say that you might want to check out what Sheila Gregoria has to say about the subject. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/05/what-if-my-husband-doesnt-find-me-attractive-a-round-up/. You are not the only woman who has a husband that shares with her that he wants her to have a different body.
@Faithfulpeach, I think it’s great that you are trying to improve yourself by eating right and exercising. Your health is important and I just want to encourage you to keep up the good work!
Keelie, I’ve struggled with this for years. There have been SO many misunderstandings between my husband and I over the past 20 years of marriage. I was 19 when we married, and there is so much I never knew! My husband is introverted, and so he never said much or explained anything. So I filled in the blanks with my own thoughts, and that’s caused a lot of hurt feelings. My husband used to have major hang ups with nudity. If I tried to sleep naked, he’d worry what if one of the kids came in? What if there was a house fire and I had to leave in a hurry? We went through a long dry spell sexually (his stress issues) and my naked body didn’t seem to even catch his eye. I took all of this as a sure sign that I was repulsive, disgusting, and worthless. I became a master at staying covered up. Sex with the lights out so he didn’t have to suffer by looking at my body. Only shower when he’s asleep. Change clothes quickly, facing away, or better yet – behind closed doors. I’m a very healthy weight, so I never understood just which parts of me he found so offensive. (He never said he didn’t like my body, but I took his silence as complete disgust).
Reading marriage blogs and comments from men about how much they love their wives bodies, even after childbirth, made me so sad. Happy for those wives, but sad that my husband didn’t feel that way about me.
Fast forward through a lot of nonsense, and we have finally started to heal and grow. My husband has been praying for a stronger marriage, and to be a better husband, and I’ve been trying to believe in his love (which is a struggle for me). This is all good, but I still struggle with poor body image. He now claims that he loves my body, but I struggle to believe him. I don’t think he ever did, so why would he start now.
I accidentally fell asleep naked a couple weeks ago, and when I woke up I was horrified. I thought he’d be offended and angry. He surprised me by seeming pleased about it. But I cant suck in my post-baby poochie tummy that refuses to go away no matter how many ab workouts I do, if I’m asleep!!
I love your posts. I struggle with so many of them. But I think this is great advice for women who are thin enough, hot enough, or confident enough in their bodies to feel good naked. Your posts always make me think.
My hope is that any woman of any size will learn to feel sexy in her body. I was never a thin person and wouldn’t consider myself to be thin now. I weigh less now than I ever have in my life, even as a teenager, but I’ve got the post baby stomach that is FULL of deep stretch marks. I think it looks horrible. My husband on the other hand, doesn’t think it looks horrible. For that reason, I’m choosing to celebrate my stomach instead of feel ashamed by it.
I understand the concerns about sleeping naked with kids in the house, and the concern of a fire. We lock our doors at night, and we’ve taught our kids to always knock before coming in. We both keep robes near our side of the bed so we can grab it right away if a kid needs help in the middle of the night, and if there is a fire. I also keep a set of clothes at the bottom of my bed and a pair of shoes. I’m pretty prepared for a fire and won’t be running out naked. 😀
I am glad you and your husband are starting to communicate. So many people assume that their spouse feels a certain way about something, because they have not had the right conversations. It takes years and years to work through the damage we do to each other in our early years. I’ve been married for 12 years, and we dated for 5 years before that. It is only in the last year that we have been able to work through the issues we had when we were first married. Now, we realize that most of our problems were due to the fact that we couldn’t properly express ourselves.
I know that with enough time and intentionality, that you and your husband will grow past those early year miscommunications. You will probably always deal with some amount of body issues, but I hope you can get to a point where it is fewer and farther between. I deal with lots of body issues. Sometimes, I do better than others. When I start hating the way I look, I try to remind myself that I’m loved by God the Father and He created me beautiful the way he wanted me.
Thank you for sharing! I know it isn’t easy to do.
I feel the need to comment because I am a very full figured gal who gravity has hit hard. My figure is by no means winning me any awards. Think tess holiday. My husband is thin and very attractive. We’ve Been Married almost 7 years, together almost 12. I sleep in panties only (thongs, lace, cheekies, even my granny panties are bought to flatter the derriere) I add a camisole or babydoll pj top if I feel the need. This gives the husband a great view from both sides which leads to a lot more touching and snuggling. I can’t tell you how many nights just rolling over to sleep is enough to put him in the mood because he has a great view and better yet is cuddling up to a semi bare bum. Your sleepwear sends a strong message and that message should be “this is all for you!”
That is a great perspective Kristen. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 I think that if you do not feel comfortable sleeping naked, that wearing sexy things to bed that you can feel comfortable in is a good idea. I hope to encourage all women to find ways to feel like the beautiful women they are no matter what their size.
These look like so much fun! We will be married 9 years this may and just came through a time of passionless/dutiful love. We have been really enjoying learning to love and pleasure each other all over again! This will be the perfect game to go with the scratch off cards I gave him for valentines day (one of them is play a game but I didn’t have one yet-lol) And I totally agree with the disclaimer that these are to be used for one couple at a time ONLY haha..It would not be sexy at all to be watched by anyone else 😉 Thanks again!
I have never been skinny (i’m short also)& i love food!? i have been up & down the scale -with 4 pregnancies- i tried not to look at the scale!!!lol But my clothes were too tight & it was time to make some changes!
Last yr i lost 32 lbs, i started with walking almost everyday then started excerising & changing my diet. I cut out diet soda & sweet tea-started drinking water& very little to no fried foods- that’s hard for a southern girl!
The weight slowly started coming off?…my mom actually commented that i had lost my butt- kinda embarrassing but glad she noticed my hard work. I still want to lose 20 lbs! I would love to be size 10!!!!
When i went to the dr for my annal checkup this summer, Dr was so impressed- all my numbers were great-& i’m 46!!! As we get older, i thin it’s harder to lose weight!!!
Thank you! 5lbs?! You got this…You look great!!!
I think being healthy is really the key! My husband loved my body before & after-he never complained!!? All i saw was a fat girl with many stretch marks!!lol
I lost the weight for me, i feel better about myself & more confident!!!
@El Fury, that is great advice. How wonderful it would be if it were possible. Maybe it is. I can’t help but compare myself to all of the beautiful women on every magazine, TV, around town, etc. and find myself seriously lacking, and assume my husband feels exactly the same way. He’s always telling me he thinks I’m beautiful and I cannot fathom how he thinks so. Maybe his standard of beauty Is different than mine.
@Keelie, I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple days. I struggle with feeling beautiful, at all, ever. But I’m getting better. I was put down a lot as a child, and it stuck. I am finally – like this past year – starting to move past all of that.
I’m tall and average sized, not skinny, not fat – just regular. But there are so many clothes I feel I don’t deserve to wear, or I can’t pull them off. I love sundresses. My husband loves me in sundresses. But I don’t wear them because I don’t think I’m thin enough, or short enough, or tiny enough. Maybe this summer I’ll try to move past that.
As for my belly, ha! It’s never been flat. Like, ever. And I was a diver and a lifeguard and I STILL never had a flat belly. Ever. Never ever. I have hidden my belly my entire life. I used to get really mad and embarrassed when my husband would touch my belly, because I thought he was so grossed out. I also HATE my shoulders, because I think they are too broad and make me look like a linebacker. This is an exaggeration, but I am not petite, and I have always associated petite with feminine and beautiful. So I try to keep pretty much my whole body well hidden, so I don’t scare anybody! 🙂
All that being said, this post has made me think. I love what you’re trying to do about your belly. I love your ideas. I’m going to pray about this, and maybe I can change, too.
@B I hope you can make changes in your mind about your body. It is not easy! I struggle on a daily basis, but I don’t want to give up, because it is so important that I love myself at any size.
I encourage you to believe your husband! When you don’t believe him, you are calling him a liar, and that isn’t fair. I understand that your past is a struggle for you. I get it, it can be hard to get over your past.
Keep pushing forward, and working towards finding things about yourself that you do love. Don’t focus on all of the areas you hate, but focus on the areas that you love! I have certain areas of my body that I love, and now I’m trying to love the parts of my body that aren’t meeting the standards of what the world says is beautiful.
@B – “He’s always telling me he thinks I’m beautiful and I cannot fathom how he thinks so. Maybe his standard of beauty Is different than mine.”
1. Since his behavior of touching you matches what he says, maybe he does have a different standard of beauty.
2. Consider how your husband developed that standard of beauty – love for you because of the person you are. Consider that God’s power can give husbands a standard of beauty that changes with the years. Husbands do not have to do it alone – God is there with us.
3. I know it sounds cliche, but Satan is the one that want’s women to compare themselves physically to others.
4. Wives – join your husbands in celebrating your belly or your shoulders or the way you look in a sundress.
The links to the email you sent today don’t work – including the link to this post 🙁
Just thought you might want to know – I just looked up the site/post the “old way” 😉
It sounds strange but comparing myself to other real life women actually helped me to accept my body. All of my mom friends have a baby pooch. I went to the beach and all the moms there had baby pooches. Even the teen girls in bikinis? Their stomachs weren’t flat either! The more I went to the beach that summer the more I was able to see what real women’s bodies look like and how different they all were. But I could easily tell the difference between the women insecure in their bathing suits and those who didn’t stop to think about it. That confidence made those women look even more beautiful. And so I have finally–after three kids–learned to see myself as beautiful and attractive. I had to fake it a little at first, but the more I acted confident (or sexy for my husband), the more confident/sexy I felt, and the more I felt it, the more I became it. I think I am sexier now than ever before, and it’s not that I look better than before (3 kids, remember); its that I am proud of the skin I am in for the first time in my entire life.
A word about how our husbands see us too. This finally clicked for me after my second daughter was born. Truth be told, she was kind of a funny looking baby. When I saw other babies, I knew she wasn’t as cute as them. But you know what? I didn’t care. She was perfect because she was mine, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything else. How ridiculous to trade my own baby for someone else’s because s/he is cuter. Well, our hubby’s are the same way. My husband loves everything about my body just because it is MINE, and I am his! Our hubbies love our bodies–imperfections and all–because they love us. Now I am proud to strut my stuff for him. 😉
I love your story. I think you are right, comparing can sometimes really help. When you see that no one is perfect, it does take the pressure off. When you only see people that are perfect, it can definitely harm. Real women…not airbrushed pictures are something we should look at.
@Kay, I so admire your confidence, and yes, you are beautiful.
Most women are. I don’t know what beaches you hang out at though. Anywhere I go, a beach, a hotel, Disney World, every woman there is supermodel gorgeous. I’ve seen countless women with children in tow, no belly to speak of whatsoever. And they do what I call the “bikini strut” – they parade around in all their glory as if to rub it in my face how inadequate I am. I seldome see a woman as frumpy as me, anywhere, ever. And I’m not fat, which makes it even weirder, but it’s just like I’m very disproportioned. The only thing I ever had going for me where natural breasts of a good size, but that’s no longer an asset. Read any article, anywhere, and all you will find is how men have all changed their minds to find small breasted women far more attractive. So much for my one good feature. 🙁
Anyhow, I feel badly because my husband gets upset when we go to any kind of water place, ever. I don’t complain, but I guess my silence tells him I’m feeling down on myself. He should just ignore me and enjoy the view. He’d be much happier that way.
What bothers me the most is, before the Internet, and everyone striving to be so crazy perfect, I used to love swimming, playing in the ocean, kneeboarding, anything to do with water. I could dive like a champ, and I could kick anyone’s butt at water polo. 🙂 That was back before I cared about any of this, when I was too naive to even realize how subpar my body was.
I’ve never felt beautiful a day in my life, ever. Not since I can remember. I was the worlds ugliest bride. No one told me I looked pretty, no one told me I could get my hair or makeup done. I just kind of put on my dress, did my best, and showed up. 🙁 As I said before, I was verbally reminded every day of my ugliness as a teenager, so I guess I made peace with it a long time ago. It’s only bothered me this much since I started reading blogs and articles with all the beautiful women talking about beauty and how important it is, and how much their husbands find them attractive.
And the confidence is sexy thing? I think EVERYONE gets that backwards. You see, sexy people are very confident. So it appears that confidence is sexy when in fact it is the exact opposite, the sexiness makes people confident. Someone like me has nothing to be confident about, so acting confident or trying to act sexy when I don’t deserve to, will just seem like a pathetic attempt to be something I could never be.
I feel badly for my husband. I don’t know why he chose to marry me over someone he is attracted to for real, but I kind of think it was a pity thing. I think he’s been trying to make himself love me for years, and that’s sad, because he deserves a woman he actually finds attractive and desireable.
What a great post. I am hot and cold on body issues, but for most of my life I’ve been thin and fit. Now, things feel different. I think it has to do with getting older, being too busy, getting more sedentary, having too much stress and a little depression. Yes, apparently, I am a mess. I am trying really hard to accept the changes, but it ain’t easy!
Thanks for sharing! I run into a lot of women that were fit and thin most of their lives. Then…well…age or something changes things. They suddenly lose something about themselves that they loved and now they have to figure out how to accept the changes. We all have to do that at some point or another. I hope you keep working at it!
Great post, especially with all the body image issues young people, middle aged people and older people have. We all love bits of our bodies and dislike others. I have always loved seeing abs on others. Enjoyed them, envied them while eating cookies but at a very young age I knew I would struggle with on again, off again exercise regime.
Of course I could have gone to the gym more. Of course I could have used discipline and determination, I still can. But it was never my area, so I accept the struggle I have with exercise and enjoy the abs of others. I so love them.
I had a huge growth spurt when I was younger and have lived with stretch marks on my hips. So embarrassed I had these at 13. Now I accept them.
I so get when you say you are appreciating your belly. I play with mine like play dough sometimes, I enjoy it. Okay I would prefer not to have a mushroom top, but outside of that I now have a happy balance of being size fourteen. I just wish I could have loved my body the way I do now years ago. Loved your post, its a big issue.
Thanks so much for sharing Rachel! I agree, accepting your stretch marks and your body as it is so important. As a teenager, does any of us accept ourselves? I am not even sure we have the ability. I’m so thankful that you are doing that now, though!
Hello, thank you for the conversation starters, there are some really great questions. Not to long ago, my wife and I wanted to put more effort into having more date nites, and found we would wind up talking about kids, scheduling, family “stuff”… our date nights wound up being no different than any random dinner at home, except the occasional difference in setting. Our genius idea on date nights lost steam. So we tried setting rules..”no kid talk”, no “scheduling talk”, no “work” talk…..( we are in the same field, so work talk is as common as kid talk)….Needless to say, that did not work…unless you consider complete silence a bonding moment (as we attempted to think of subjects to talk about). So after reading different relationship sites (including yours, and others you have recommended) and wanting employ a new strategy to really make date nite work, I googled “questions for you spouse”, “date night subjects” and other similar searches. I found a bunch of fun, thoughtful, and sexy questions. I printed and cut them out so each question is on a small slip of paper, and placed these in a box. Now when we have date nite we will either grab a couple of questions (hard to bring a box into a dining establishment), or if the setting works (outdoor picnic, hanging by the firepit) we will bring the box with us (it is not huge, it’s a medium sized cigar box) shake it up, and randomly pick out the question. The deal is if the question is not a subject we want to tackle (might not be in mood for a deep thought question), we throw it back in the box for another day. I found it takes the pressure off of coming up with a subject/topic… and encourages you to talk about things that you usually don’t discuss.
Your questions will be a fun addition to the box. Thank you. (sorry so long)…
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story! I am so thankful that I am not the only one that thinks conversation starters can be a game changer for date night. It is so important to find ways of connecting with your spouse outside of the normal every day things.
I love your thoughts! I hope that you enjoy these questions and it is my plan to come up with more later on.
Love this! Josh and I have definitely had some of our best conversations on road trips (and we’ve had some long ones!). I look forward to continuing this with the family – thanks for the tips!
I love to see her in her glory and see the look on her face when she is climaxing, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s very rare we do it in the dark, but when we do I imagine how she looks.
I love your honesty! Yes, it can be awkward. I think what usually makes undressing “sultry” is simply going slow and touching one another in between layers-thrown-off.
But I could write a very humorous post about this too — the times he’s tried to unhook your bra but just can’t get it, or when you went to unzip his pants and the zipper got stuck, or when the shirt going over your head snagged on your nose and you’re were yelling, “Wait, wait!” It happens.
So so true J. I can’t even unbutton my husband’s pants, and he can’t do it on me either. Forget about unhooking bras! That took me years of practice, and I doubt I could get a bra off of someone else if I had my hands wrapped around them. Shaking my head….why does it look so easy in movies? Lol. 😀
These are great suggestions for sexy people, or for women who have husbands that find them attractive. For the rest of us… It’s a nice thing to dream about.
My husband is usually too tired for sex. He doesn’t find me that interesting or appealing, so why would I torture him by forcing him to watch me undress?
What really makes me mad is if I suggested something like this, he’d lie and say he’d like it. But his actions speak the truth. Words are just empty words. I know my body is not good enough. I’m not really his type.
But on a brighter note, I think these ideas are great for the women who have husbands who do find them appealing. So keep up the great suggestions! I’m envious, yes, but happy for the wives who deserve to do these things.
Keelie, thank you! I probably shouldn’t comment, but sometimes all I want to hear is “sorry things are that way.” So often people try to psychoanalyze and say “oh you’re seeing things all wrong…” when I just want to lament. So thank you for just listening. 🙂
But I’ve given the wrong impression. The marriage isn’t miserable, just the sex life part. 🙁
At least there is a positive part to your marriage, then. Cling to the good things and do what you can to deepen your intimacy. I’ve heard many couples say that it can take upwards of 20+ years to develop a sex life that they really enjoy….and other couples, well, they never get to that point, which I completely hate for people.
Always feel free to comment. Everyone needs a place to speak what’s on their heart.
Sounds like you need to loose about 50 or plus pounds. It’s a shame you know what the problem is and don’t do a damn thing to correct it! On the other side of the coin is, my wife is over weight but I still love when I can see her naked. My problem is, she hides from me. Runs right out of the shower and jumps immediately into cloths or into bed. Very disappointing. So don’t sell yor husband short. I bet he would love to see you naked.
Hey there Jim, I am approving this comment even though you were really rude to me about assuming I need to lose weight and don’t show my body to my husband. I approved it, however, to say I’m sorry that your wife isn’t confident enough to reveal herself to you. I will pray that she gains that confidence in herself for both of your sakes.
I clicked on you from the promo on FB Blogging Boost group. I’m always looking for ways to make my marriage a little bit better. Thanks for writing this. It seems like the key is intention, but your conversation starters help a lot too. Sometimes I just can’t think of anything to ask!
So, I know I’m not normal as far as being the woman with the higher sex drive, but this post was a shocker – AND – a reminder to count my blessings! I have no trouble being able to be aroused by my husband. I’ve never seen that as a blessing, but I guess it is.
In fact, due to his high stress, workaholic, lower libido issues, I have often seen my tendency to be aroused by him as a curse. I have never looked at it from this point of view. Perhaps I need to shift my focus and instead of seeing things as negative, learn to look at the things about me as positive.
Thanks, Keelie! And I’ll say a prayer for the lady who asked the question, and for other ladies in her situation.
I know that there are a lot of high drive wives out there. If you are a lower drive spouse, for whatever the reason, it can be hard to get in the mood.So much plays into libido, and stress will kill it. Not being able to walk away from what’s bothering you can make it very hard to be aroused. I’m glad to hear you will be thankful for things about yourself. It is always a good idea to think of the positives if you can.
I love “car time” with my husband. When we go on a trip, there is uninterrupted (sort of) time to just drive, be together and talk! We love it. Thanks for your suggestions – will use them for an upcoming trip to switch it up a bit. 🙂
it’s okay to laugh, and laughing can be sexy. When you laugh you relax, and that lets you be playful together. Playfulness can lead to great sex. Don’t worry about being “sultry”. Undress in a playful way, and you can have fun with it.
I love that you recognize the need to work on your marriage. Too many people think that the only folks that need to work on thier marriage or those whose marriage is in trouble.
Hi Keelie, great post! This can be SO frustrating! I thought you had an interesting view on this. See, I would say that I (the wife) have the higher drive, but that might not be so. It’s just that I’m more willing to talk about it than he is. My husband can be very shy in this one area (I think his upbringing had a lot to do with this).
And we are the king and queen of miscommunication. This happened just the other day. I’ll spare you the loooong story, but I have felt that I’ve been rejected over and over for years. But as we heal and grow, it seems like a lot of this was poor communication and bad timing.
So the other night I was feeling very loving towards my husband. I worked very hard to get all of my chores done so I could go to bed when he did (he goes to bed early, gets up early). He seemed pleased about this. I rubbed his back, which he loves, for a long time, and I gave several signals. I thought I was being 150% clear. After quite a while, I realized he was more interested in sleep than in me (as usual) and so I rolled over to go to sleep. He said, “thank you for the massage” and I said “you’re welcome” and that was that. I was unhappy, but I didn’t complain. I thought about going out to the living room to pout, but I stayed in bed and prayed until I fell asleep. So it turned out okay.
WELL, the next day we were talking and when I told him, “I REALLY wanted to be with you last night, so much” he was like, “What? You rolled over and went to sleep!” And I said “Because you weren’t the least bit interested!” And he said “I was very, very interested, but I thought you weren’t interested.” I told him “you said thanks for the massage – like that’s all you wanted and nothing more.” And he said “I just said that because I thought you just wanted to go to sleep.” Argh!!! Why didn’t he say something?? I know, I know, you’ll say why didn’t I say something, but it’s because we went through a couple rough years where he did reject me and I am still terrified of being rejected again. So I hint but I don’t outright say. Miscommunication stinks!!
Then the next day he came on to me and I went along with it even though I really wasn’t interested because I had to finish dinner and leave to drive a carpool all in less than an hour, and I wasn’t really in a relaxing sexy mood. But I didn’t turn him down because I hate being turned down, and because he comes on to me so rarely, that I have to take his advances on the rare occasions that I get them. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy it, but I let him go ahead because I love him and I don’t want him to feel rejected. But then he felt badly that I didn’t really enjoy it, but how could I while I was already racing the clock?
So we did talk and we are realizing that we need to communicate much better. What he also doesn’t realize is these quick events, he will feel satisfied and be good for a couple days. I, on the other hand, just get warmed up, and then have to walk around “warmed up” for DAYS until he decides he is in the mood again. It stinks!
I know I sound like I’m complaining, but I’m actually happy. I’m happy that my husband and I are finally talking about this and starting to understand each other. It’s only taken 20 years!
I recently turned 40 and part of me feels like my time for a good sex life has passed, but maybe not. Maybe there’s still time. 🙂
Communication is a real issue with couples and sex. One will feel they are giving all of the signals and the other acts disinterested. This has happened again and again with Austin and I. So…we put a stop to it. We stopped beating around the bush and we just come right out and ask, “Can we have sex?”. I know that seems bold, but it is so much better to use plain language and not miss the opportunity. I completely get where you are coming from with quickies not satisfying you and making it ok for him for days. That was a problem I have dealt with a lot. My husband and I work hard to make sure that we always have the time to make our time of sex great for both of us. Since we have made such a concerted effort, it doesn’t take me as long as it used to. The more your orgasm, the easier it makes it for you…at least that is my experience.
I think that sometimes, a spouse will think that the one refusing has a low sex drive. My husband thought that about me. I never full out refused, I just asked if we could take the time the next day to do it. Mostly, I did that because I was exhausted or felt sick, and knew it wouldn’t be fun for me, but that he would feel satisfied for days. Since I struggled to initiate, I didn’t have the ability to come back to him the next day when I would need it. So, that was us in a nutshell. I had to learn to initiate, which I realize you have already done. However, your spouse may need to get better at initiating, and it can make you feel he has a low sex drive. He may not have a low sex drive, he may just not have the ability to communicate his needs to you. If he doesn’t refuse you as much as he once did, then maybe you should put yourself out there more. Have a lot of conversations about it over and over. Eventually, something may click for him.
I don’t think that your time for a good sex life has passed. More often then not, a couple’s sex life only grows over the years as they learn each other. That does require a lot of communication though. It sounds like you guys struggle in that area. So, maybe your tactics of communication need to change. Maybe writing out your thoughts will help him. Maybe he can write out his thoughts to you, and that may help him. It could be that you guys need some questions to prompt your discussion, which is why I have put together sexy truth or dare posts. The truths are conversation starters that get you talking about what you like with sex.
Keep working on it! There is always hope and redemption in relationships.
I would add, “don’t look for the gold star”.. Do the nice thing but don’t look for the credit.. This is a trap I fall into often, I will do something out of the ordinary routine and WAIT for him to notice/thank/reciprocate and it doesn’t happen.. So give up the idea of credit and do it for the love of your spouse… 🙂
Hi Keelie, whew, what a post!!! My husband and I have been together for five years, and we dated five years before that. It’s always great to learn new things to keep stuff spicy. I found that dancing together worked wonders for us when we least expected it. We were havig drinks and started to dance in the living room and that reminded us of our clubbing days… and the rest is history! This is a great post, I plan on writing an article about intimacy soon, and I will definitely link to your article when I do!
I’m so glad you wrote this! Seriously, though, since I live on a Christian ship and operate under their internet connection, most typical websites I’d go to for sex-piration are blocked. But not yours! Thanks for the encouragement.
that is wonderful to hear! You can feel free to check out my older posts, many of which are very helpful for those looking for that type of information. 🙂 Glad you found me.
Keelie, you have awesome ideas! Some of them are really hard to implement, but I guess I just need to put more effort into it. My husband’s job keeps him busy and exhausted most of the time. I appreciate how hard he works, and I could never do what he does, and I very much admire how strong he is. I do long for the day when he can stay awake past 7:30! He does get up around 4:30, and he works very hard, outdoors, at least 10 hours a day, usually 6 days a week. I am so thankful that about three years ago he stopped working Sundays. That helped our family life tremendously. I don’t want to be greedy, but I do long for more time together.
We have been dreaming about getting away together, even for one night, but it never happens. I was feeling down, figuring I just wasn’t important enough to him, but I don’t think that’s it. There just isn’t enough time. Maybe someday! I can keep dreaming…. And in the meantime, perhaps I need to put more effort into making things happen at home.
Just once, I’d like to be “swept off my feet”, but that’s not who he is. So I need to do my part to create more time spent together.
A reason for leaving the lights off that wasn’t mentioned in this article is: If the husband can’t perform if the lights are on. My husband is only able to have sex with me if the lights are off. I know this because he has told me so. Previous “ED” issues (for about 5 years) were actually because the sight of my body turned him off. I have since lost a lot of weight, went from a size 12 to a 4, but now, because of the weight loss, there is some loose skin on my stomach that he is turned off by. I want the lights on, want to play, want to look in his eyes, experiment – but because of my body, it’s 5 minutes in the dark and it’s over. And that’s after being turned down completely by him many times. I’m so frustrated. I want to like my body, but how?
That is so devastating for you. I think you need to start having conversations with him slowly about your problem. The conversations won’t be easy, you’ll both likely feel hurt by what’s said, and the problem will probably not be resolved any time soon, but you need to share your emotions. If you have done that several times, then you can only continue talking with him. Go into the conversations with your problem and ask him to help you find a solution. I know ED can be a really difficult thing for men. I’m sure his problems are only making the situation more sensitive for him to talk about or deal with.
As for you, you need to do everything you can to remove his negative view of you from your mind. You don’t have to agree with him. Your self confidence has to come from within you. If he doesn’t approve, that’s on him. You can feel confident without him. Even in marriage, you don’t have to let your spouse’s opinion of you define who you are. They are human, and subject to being wrong.
I encourage you to find a good friend that you can talk to that will help you sort out your issues with your husband.
This is an interesting post. (I’m the wife) I’ve tried all three of these and failed. I chalked each failure up to more proof that he just doesn’t really feel attracted to me anymore. Why else would he turn down sex so often.
He, on the other hand, often says “I had no idea you wanted to have sex.” He has even said, “I didn’t think you were in the mood” when I SO obviously was. I think he uses these as convenient excuses so he doesn’t have to force himself to have sex with me. He says I’m wrong, and that he loves being with me. But, he never asks either, so…. What does that tell me? When all I read about is how much sex men want and need and how often they hound their wives for some love. My husband would rather sleep. He never asks me for sex. He waits for me to come on to him. He misses a lot of cues (and I think it’s on purpose).
Coming right out and asking? I don’t know. Too risky. Being rejected hurts, even when it’s subtle. I don’t want to say, “hey honey I’d like to make love” just to have him say “no thanks.” It would crush me more than his subtle rejections do.
I know how hard it must be to rejected. No one wants to be rejected. You’ve got two choices here, believe your husband and give him the benefit of a doubt and then go out on a limb and see what happens, or you continue to hint around and have him continue to say that he misread you. Going the route of hinting around means you guys never move to total honesty with each other. It would be better to be rejected and then deal with it than to play it safe and never have those necessary conversations. I’ve talked with other women who’s husbands do not initiate and do not want sex the way the movies and media make you think. I don’t know if that helps you or not, but I’ve had several conversations lately with ladies dealing with this. It’s not easy on you and I know it’s not easy on your husband. Whatever reason he is avoiding sex is hurting him too. I hate that you both do not have a close relationship in this area.
I guess. But why can’t he go out on the limb? Why does it always have to be me. On another blog, one of the men said that asking for sex feels vulnerable and emotionally naked. Ok, I kind of get that. Then I replied that I am his wife and the least scary person on earth. To which another male commenter replied that there is nothing more intimidating than the woman you love, nor more frightening than having to bare your soul to her.
What??? Then why get married? Shouldn’t your spouse be the safest person?
Anyhow, I have gone out on a limb. A bunch. It’s his turn. Trust me, if I hadn’t initiated the first 15 years, we’d have had sex almost never. I’d love to know what’s it’s like to feel beautiful and desired and to be pursued. Just once! I’m really not that ugly. And he pouts and says it makes him feel really badly that I feel so badly about myself and that I never feel beautiful. Well, DUH!! Why would I feel beautiful when the man I love DOESNT find me attractive, worth pursuing, or even loveable?
I think it’s hard for normal women who have husbands who are attracted to them to understand. I do appreciate that you are a good listener and you don’t just say “well, get over it.” The way so many others do.
You know, sometimes I wonder if my husband ever stumbled on some of my comments if he’d finally understand why I don’t believe him when he says “I love you.” I don’t think he gets how painful this can be.
On a bright note, I have been getting better as far as understanding I have worth to Christ and that is where I need to put my hope and my focus, regardless of how attractive I am or am not to my husband.
I know you must be so super frustrated. 🙁 I hate that for you. Maybe you should write down your feelings to him. That might help him understand better! I know you want to give up and stop pursuing him. I certainly won’t tell you that you should keep on if it crushes you every time.
Many women do not feel beautiful, even if they have husbands that they know find them attractive and pursue them sexually. I know that you can feel beautiful and valid no matter what is going on with your husband. That is something I will encourage you to do. I encourage you to figure out what you can do to feel like the beautiful woman you are, even if your husband never approaches you. There was a time when you were single and you had to feel beautiful without the attention of another person. You can get back to that, or you can work towards that if you never had it to begin with.
Marriage is a long tough road. I will keep praying for you as I know this is so hard for you to work through.
This looks like a great idea. What I am most thankful for about my husband is that he loves God with all his heart and then me next. His relationship with God blesses me and he leads us sacrificially. 🙂
I agree that taking turns allows the recipient to focus on his (or her) pleasure while the giver can fully engage in the “giving.” Good post. Thanks for sharing.
Oh…I better make that more clear. 😀 We do take turns climaxing…first me, then him- we don’t normally try at the same time, because that hardly works. 😀 Hahaha.
I’m 38; we’ve been married for 17 years. We have 4 kids and a pretty active sex life.
We didn’t always. I used to buy into the Feminist lie that it’s your body 100%. It didn’t work; bought nothing but trouble.
It’s not just sex that a wife is obligated to. It’s sex, the way he wants it, with enthusiasm. If you have to fake that orgasm, get good at it. Sex with a smile, 21 days out of the cycle.
Don’t want to do that? Keep control of your body– stay single. End of line.
I’m having a hard time understanding if you feel some bitterness towards your spouse for the sex life that you guys have or if you are just sharing how you have grown in intimacy with your husband. Are you feeling frustrated with the way your sex life is going?
So true! Conversation – sharing ideas, hopes, fears, dreams – it’s one way Rob and I have developed a deep and secure relationship. However much you talk with each other, there are still new things to discover… It took me 25 years to realize Rob’s favorite dessert was puddings! (Like, duh? Right? ?)
I’m with little sexual desire and do not know what is happening. I am married 15 years and sexual routine seems that entered the routine. I hope this site you indicated is interesting Keelie !
You have shared some of this with me before but I so enjoyed reading the whole story! I loved Crystal’s book and follow her too. My hope is to continue to learn how to blog, freelance etc… to help in our home. 🙂
We have a large family. Let me keep it simple and say that we live from 970 – 1030 miles from her parents (depending on the route) so each year at least we made pilgrimages to their house and it was always good. With kids sleeping in the back she had many Good orgasms and we had many good talks before and after these sexy times. It kept me awake and relaxed her. Wearing the right dress makes everything easier and was more fun and there is no hurry. After lots of shoulder rubs and breast play she was well lubed and on par for the course. The rest built intimacy and made everything better between us. 38 years and it keeps getting better. ?? you might I am an opportunist?
This is really good advice, especially the part about making changes within yourself. My husband travels a lot for work and then farms in the little time that he’s home, so I often find myself resenting the farm or his family for “taking his time away from me.” It’s not pretty, to say the least. But you’re right, resentment can easily destroy you. I’m slowly learning to let go of the resentment and accept the things that I can’t change. My husband is working hard to provide for our family, and I need to learn to support that.
I once read that marriage is 100%/100%, not the 50%/50% that so many people fight over. When you think of it like that (both parties need to be fully supporting each other), it’s so much easier to let go of the resentment.
Yeah, I can totally see how you can feel that way. I have felt resentment towards my husband in the past for things. The only real way to get over it is to make those changes in myself, because sometimes, it totally wasn’t his fault. Other times, it was his fault, but I didn’t want to be eaten up with resentment.
I’ll pray for you to work through those issues you are experiencing. I have also found that finding something to be thankful about my husband on a regular basis helps me to stop feeling resentment towards him.
@Keelie – Many thanks for giving the other side of this issue!
Having spent time with you and Austin I can see your love and passion for each other. The way you were taught purity was a good thing for each of you and for your marriage. It sounds a lot like the “bettre way” I suggest in my post on this issue.
Thanks and blessings!
I’m happy to share another voice in the matter! I had no idea that so many people were struggling on account of what they were taught. Well… I guess that isn’t true. I just thought that it was a problem the the older generations dealt with, but that we had gotten away from.
hello!
I’ve been with my husband for eight years and I always told him I believe we should kiss each other bye every time one of us leaves…even if we are mad at each other or if one of us is mad at the other.to me kissing when your arguing shows that no matter what you love each other but my husband doesn’t always do this. I noticed it hurts me greatly when he leaves mad and doesnt kiss me goodbye and I let him know it hurts but he still does it. I always thought I was the only one to see kissing your spouse goodbye as something important and I’m glad to know you believe the same.i think all couples should take part in it and see how it it could change their relationship and make it stronger. thank you for sharing this!
There is a lot of benefit to kissing goodbye whether you’re mad or not. Maybe you can talk with your husband again and share your feelings. I know it’s hard to get your spouse to understand things. Keep working through it.
Great post, thanks for the link! A couple of questions…
1. Can you orgasm from quickies? It seems that having an orgasm every time is a fine goal, but it seems that many/most women require a time investment to reach orgasm.
2. PIV sex just doesn’t work for most women to reach orgasm. I think Jay Dee recently posted a study showing that if a woman’s clitoris is more than 1 inch from her urethra then she’ll have a very hard/impossible time climaxing from PIV alone. (If I remember the details correctly.)
In our experience, Sexy Corte has an orgasm whenever she wants, and that isn’t every time. It’s probably 3 times a week, and we have sex pretty much every day.
Can I orgasm from quickies? It depends on how excited I am. 😀 This article is definitely geared towards a woman that already knows what she has to do in order to orgasm. So, the real value here is to know what to do after she has the first orgasm and then to have consecutive ones after, which I find can be reached very quickly once you get to that point.
I believe most of what I shared will help women that are orgasming through manual stimulation or vibrators. The real key is to back off enough to let yourself settle down so that you have something to get over again for another orgasm.
By orgasming every time, my hopes were to communicate that if a woman is struggling to know how to orgasm if she wants to, then she needs to master that first, before she can master the multiples. If you are woman that orgasms, but it just happens, then it can be hard to apply any of these principles to having more than one.
I’ll change the statement about it being easier to climax with PIV sex. What I was trying to communicate is that if you want to avoid over stimulation, you can do that easier with PIV sex, assuming you can orgasm that way. 😀 I know that plenty of women are unable to orgasm this way. Some of it is angle, some I’m sure has to do with their anatomy, and it can also have a lot to do with the way their husband is moving, too.
It takes energy (mental and physical) for SC to orgasm, but even if she doesn’t feel like doing that she’s generally up for sex (and enjoys it). She knows what it takes to get there, so yeah, that’s important!
After decades of hurt and pain following some rather severe emotional abuse by a sibling, I discovered a simple and profound truth: She did not sin against me. She sinned against God. Recognising this allowed me to let go of the hurt. God will judge her. That is not my job. God won’t ask for my opinion. So I can let go of the hurt, knowing that it brings nothing of value to my life, knowing that I have forgiven her and the rest is between God and her. That is her journey.
What a profound way of thinking God has brought you to. You are so right, it is between her and God now. I’m so thankful that you are able to forgive her.
Hi Keelie! Congrats on your anniversary! It looks like you had a great date and your ring is beautiful!
My husband always says he wants to make me happy, but holidays, birthdays, etc. mean nothing to him. I used to get upset and feel like he didn’t think I was worth his time or money. But I’m growing past that. Slowly. 🙂 I recently turned 40, and… Nothing. My older sisters husband rented an amazing restaurant and invited us all to dinner for her 40th – it was so much fun. I think I might’ve gotten a card. We have been married over 20 years. I have yet to have an anniversary celebration. 🙁
So I need your opinion on something. I’ve been trying to cut my workaholic husband some slack and encourage or even plan a date night on my own. So there is a garden light festival that looks really fun, in a city close to us. I told him it looked like a nice thing to do. Whoosh! Right over his head. So I went the direct route and flat out said, “I’d really like to go to the festival. We could go on a date.” He said that sounded like a great idea.
That was in April. I’ve brought it up a couple times. We pass a billboard advertising it on our way to church. I reminded him a couple weeks ago that it ends soon, and I reminded him a week ago that it ends this week.
He’s made no mention of going. Every time I bring it up he says, “Oh right! Sure, we can go.”
But we won’t. I am not reminding him any more. He is so busy with work (as he has been since before we were married) that he’ll forget. Work takes complete precedence over all.
Our hot water heater was leaking for weeks. He was always too busy to replace it. I offered to call a plumber, but he didn’t want to spend the money when he is more than capable of doing it himself. He finally replaced it yesterday. That’s great, and I am thankful.
But now, if I mention the festival, or if he realizes he forgot and it’s over, he’ll act like “I replaced the water heater, doesn’t that make you happy?” It does – but a date I don’t have to plan and then basically beg him about, would make me feel loved. It not about happiness, or getting what I want. It’s about feeling loved. That’s what I long for. I stopped hinting, and I was very direct about what I wanted to do. But – all to no avail. See if I had kept hinting, I wouldn’t feel roundly ignored. Because I could always say, he didn’t get the hint. But being direct and being put off – that kinda hurts worse.
So do I remind him again? There’s only one or two nights left that we could make it. I don’t think I will. He obviously doesn’t want to go.
But I am also going to try not to be upset that he basically stood me up. I wish he had just said no from the beginning, rate than give me the false hope that we would do something fun together.
How do you get Austin to treat you so lovingly? I wish my husband was 1/10 as thoughtful towards me as he is towards his work.
The great news is, I’m learning to find my happiness in Jesus instead of my husband. I have to work at it every day, especially since I have always had a longing to be loved by my husband. He says he loves me about 100 times a week, but he’s not big on showing it. I’m trying to learn to love him for who he is, and appreciate what a good provider he is, instead of wishing for things I can’t have – like date times and a special anniversary. It’s hard, but I’m getting a little better, and a little happier each day.
You know, maybe this article from Austin’s perspective will help you. https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/simple-pleasures-for-your-wife-guest-post/ He talks about how much he used to suck at planning dates. He didn’t suck at it, rather, he avoided it because he thought he did. Once he got over that negative mindset, he started taking more initiative with the planning. I used to get very hurt that he wouldn’t plan dates. It was so hard on me and made me feel like he didn’t really love me as much as he said he did. It made me feel like going out with me wasn’t important to him. He is more of a homebody than I am anyways, so it didn’t bother him if we didn’t go places or do things. However, it was slowly killing me inside. I think I just finally decided that I would stop pressuring him to plan dates, and I would make the plans. I would find the sitter, I would make the plans, I would put it on his calendar and I would make sure everything was taken care of so we could go out. He would just get home from work at normal times and go where I planned for us to go. I had to swallow my pride and realize that it was much more important to me that we go out with each other than it was for me to force him to decide to take me out.
I can’t tell you what to do with your husband. You have to decide how to handle it. If you want to go to that festival, then go. Invite him to come along and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t, but you go and have a great time. He very well may get in the car with you if you tell him what time you are leaving. Or, if he thinks he has a choice in the matter, he might stay home. I don’t know.
Yeah- I feel you on just saying no from the beginning. I felt like Austin would never commit to taking me to the places I decided we should go. He would forget about the plans. In his defense, he forgets about all sorts of things though, so I tried not to read into him forgetting about dates or the fact that I wanted to go out with him. He would double book things sometimes, because he didn’t remember we had plans. He found a way to get his calendar organized so he would stop double booking things. It hurt my feelings like crazy to have him forget things. I had to overlook his forgetfulness and work with him to come up with ways for him to remember we had plans for things. He uses google calendar now. We put everything on there so that he doesn’t double book himself.
We take turns planning dates more now. This anniversary date was actually a collaboration between the two of us. It started a few weeks ago when I realized we would be kid free during the day a few days last week. I told him to pick a day we could go. Then, two days before, we started talking about what we were going to do with our day off. I started looking for things in the area we were going to go, and then he found the app. From that point, he finished making the plans. There was a time when I would have planned it all from start to finish, but over the years, he has become much more confident. We certainly don’t have it all figured out!
We don’t even get to go out like that on all of our anniversaries. Many years, we would just eat steaks my brother gave us and put kids together and eat. Last year, I believe we may have gone out for dinner. This was probably the most extravagant anniversary date we have had. 😀
I don’t get Austin to treat me lovingly, btw. I don’t control how he acts. He has made a lot of changes over the years as have I. We have both focused on meeting one another’s needs. Sometimes, we are better at it than others. Sometimes, we down right stink at meeting each other’s needs.
I have totally done this! Sometimes life gets to be too much and all I am able to do is scream into my pillow. I don’t think it’s healthy to just keep everything pent up but there are some ways to let it out that are more acceptable than others. 😉
Keelie, first of all, thanks for the awesome, thorough response. It is super helpful!
Second, I had to laugh at this (I’m sure it was a typo) “Many years, we would just eat steaks my brother gave us and put kids together…” Is that a polite way of saying “share romance?” I’m kidding, of course, but I did chuckle when I read that. 🙂
And third, I didn’t word that “treat lovingly” question correctly. I’m sure you don’t control your husband, or how he acts. I was just wondering if there was anything special you did or said that helped him know how you felt loved. I’m still stumbling on my words here, sorry. Anyhow, you kind of answered that question in the bulk of your comment.
Thanks for everything! I will check out the post you linked. By the way, I absolutely love how real you are. Thank you so much!
Put the kids to bed. 😀 Lol…but yeah, we did put them together too! Hahaha
I have no idea what I said to help him. we honestly didn’t understand one another all that well during many different points in our marriage. We really missed the boat with one another in regards to sexual intimacy for years. There are just times when you are going to completely misunderstand one another. I have no idea what will pull you guys out of that time, other than you just have to keep having the conversations. Austin and I have just continued to share what bothers us over and over. It is frustrating, completely annoying, and makes us both angry at times. We just keep trying to communicate ourselves to one another over the course of time. Sometimes we fight about the issue, and then see an actual break through in our communication. Some of the communication honestly has to happen on your end. You have to actually understand how something is making you feel to the point that you can clearly communicate it. You may think you are communicating your feelings, but in reality, you are assuming that your spouse knows more than they do.
Keep working at it! Try not to lose heart. I know it sucks. Thanks for commenting. I always appreciate you.
Hi Keelie,
You will laugh at this. I am such a “logical thinker” type person that on the day my husband proposed I knew what he was up to and spent a staff meeting making a pros and cons list on whether to say yes. It wasn’t so much Yes to being his wife that was in question it was the fact that we had only been officially “going out” for 3 months and many people at our church didn’t even know as neither of us are very publicaly affectionate. 🙂 I’m such a romantic I know! My long story short, I said “Yes!” and we have now been married nearly 20 years.
My marriage day was wonderful but I think the bit I remember with the biggest smile was the look on his face when he came back to the car having checked out the small “kiwi bach” (holiday house) he had hired for our honeymoon week. “They only have bunks!!!” I’ll just say we improvised and leave it at that! 🙂
In a survey I ran, I found that women think they initiate a lot more than men give them credit for. 44% of wives claimed that they initiated more than their husbands. Only 14% of husbands said their wives initiated more often. I attribute much of this disconnect to unrecognized initiation.
I’ve also heard it suggested that asking doesn’t count as initiation. “Do you want to?” does not communicate desire but only availability or willingness. It puts the responsibility on the other person. On the other hand, “I want to” or “I want you” clearly states desire and intent. Not sure I agree with that notion 100% but it is an interesting idea.
Hey Keelie, you are so positive! I wish I could think like you. My husband doesn’t initiate and I don’t like to anymore because the rejection is hard to take, especially when I read about how much men who love their wives like sex. Mine prefers sleep.
I flirt with him, make suggestive comments. He acts like he cares, acts like he likes me, and then… falls asleep! The other night I wore purple lacy underthings and a tight pink tee shirt. It practically screamed “I want you!” Did he notice? Nope. He fell asleep. I’m not even attractive enough to keep him awake, and it hurts. I feel like the most unwanted woman on earth.
He goes on and on about loving me, and I wish he’d stop. We both know it’s untrue. He called me sexy the other day, and then he got upset when I asked him not to do that. I need to distance myself. His lack of sexual interest in me makes me feel worthless, and his sweet comments are like torture.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent my frustrations. Your suggestions are wonderful for wives who have husbands that are attracted to them. Their husbands will be blessed.
Keelie, this is a great post – it answered some of the questions I’ve had about whether or not “real people” use and like Fiverr for selling their services. Thank you for taking the time to write it!
Anytime. 🙂 I’ve been highly successful on that platform. You do have to be careful who you purchase from, because there are people on there that are trying to game the system. However, I’ve been successful as a seller and plenty of people have been successful as buyers.
Thanks, Keelie! I have heard mixed reviews on Fiverr but now your post, as well as one lady in a VA networking group who gave me some ideas, have shown me it can be a big help! I’ve been debating starting up on it after I have my summer vacation.
good luck on it for you Helen. I’ve had so much success there that I do recommend it to others. I will say that not everyone has as much luck as I’ve had, but really, I don’t think it hurts to try it. I have made a lot of money off of that platform…way more than a part time salary now. In fact, I’m headed towards earning a full time salary through my writing clients. Every year that I’ve been writing, I earn more.
Hiya Keelie, I love the heart and humility of this post in recognising that none of us are immune to sin. I do wonder though if our focus ought to be on pursuing holiness rather than “avoiding” sin. I suspect that you wouldn’t disagree with me so I guess I am just throwing out what you probably assumed was a given. If we are spending time seeking to love our spouses well and with godliness, then the chances of unfaithfulness are diminshed. Just like driving a car, we need to be aware of potential hazards but focused on driving straight down the road. Just a thought and would love to have your feedback in it.
I agree Ruth, we do absolutely need to be focused on living a holy life. I think that avoiding sin is certainly part of that pursuit since the scriptures teach us to run from the very appearance of temptations. You are right, I should have put some focus on that also, because I can see how it sounds like I’m saying to avoid a list of rules. So thankful you pointed that out. 😀 I appreciate it.
Keelie, this is awesome! I pray my family will grow into a large, Christian, supportive family for my children and their children, etc. My husband and I (and praise God, now both our teen boys) are the only believers on both sides of our family. We have been basically guidance-less, and have had to muddle through this marriage mess on our own. Now that we know the Lord, we’ve had His help, and that’s the only way we’ve made it.
We had no pre-marital counseling of any kind. The minister had us meet with him to discuss the fees, and whether or not we wanted a unity candle. That was the extent of it. Being as we were both unsaved and this was a mainline denomination, we had no clue anyway, so we thought it was all normal.
We don’t really have any Christian friends, or many friends at all for that matter. We go to a HUGE church, where everyone already knows each other, so it’s kinda hard to get plugged in. But we have each other! And although we’ve been married for over 20 years and are in our early 40s, in many ways I feel like we’re just beginning.
So your website is great, even for old folks like me! I applaud your family for having such an encouraging gathering to love on and guide a young couple. Most of what I know from my family of origin is ridicule and discouragement. But I’m finally trying to move past that. I want better for my children. And my marriage.
I used to scoff at your date night ideas, because of my low opinion of myself, and my beliefs that I wasn’t attractive or important to my husband, so why would he want to date me. But we’ve had some deep, growing conversations lately, and I think I’m gonna give this date stuff a try. After all, you shouldn’t knock it til you try it, right?
Well said! I know that many people come from situations just like you, my own husband as well. His family has had divorce after divorce and zero clue. They are not supportive, not because they don’t want to be, they just don’t know how to be. It is hard to navigate relationships, even under the best of circumstances.
I applaud you for your passion to raise your children differently. That is wonderful.
I feel you on the church situation. My husband has been a pastor for over 10 years, and we’ve been very lonely at several of the churches. It’s saddening to me that families feel the weight of doing everything themselves when as a body of Christ we should be reaching out and lifting one another up.
Keep working at it. Your marriage can go deeper as you seek the Lord. He has so many great things for you and your husband!
Yes, I’m very blessed that I was adopted into a family that loves the Lord and has overcome their difficult pasts.
Well, the first part I’m good with. I think my husband is hot and handsome and I tell him something all the time.
However, I know he doesn’t really think I’m attractive or pretty, and so I cannot believe him when he says that he does. For the following reasons:
1. I’m not his type. He is attracted to women that look nothing like me. I’m really not even sure why he ever even asked me out. I’m guessing he was bored. Any time I have ever seen him notice another woman she has been short and brunette. I am neither.
2. Growing up, I was reminded by relatives every day how ugly I was. From the time I can remember until….
3. I have a mirror.
He does sometimes act grumpy that I don’t believe him, but he’s just acting that way to try to get me to believe words that I know he just thinks he’s “supposed to” say.
Sorry! I’ll do part A any day, but part B is too much for me. Great advice for the prettier wives, though! And I do agree husbands need to be reassured of their attractiveness.
I’m sorry if my comment was offensive. This kind of post just strikes a nerve because I don’t believe my husband finds me attractive, and I so long to know what that feels like. I’m sorry if I come off as a “Debbie Downer”. I should keep my negative thoughts to myself. My marriage is really not that bad, I’m afraid I give the wrong impression. I will never know if he’s being honest or not, but I can’t bring myself to believe he finds me attractive. I’m sorry.
I think you give great advice, sometimes I just have a hard time following it.
Whether he’s lying to you about the way he feels about the way you look, or you have very low self esteem. Either, that’s a problem in your marriage that I encourage you to deal with. Recognize if the problem is the way you view yourself, or his credibility. I’m glad you follow along. You must share the things you’re feeling.
I have sexy pictures I will sometimes send my husband that I store and send through KeepSafe. It’s an app that locks and needs a password to view pictures. These pictures won’t show up in my regular photos. A great way to keep your kids from “accidentally” stumbling across them. 😉
Sometimes when we’ve been married a long time, we forget about this. It’s always fun to have a spark! 🙂 Thank you for sharing with us at the #HomeMattersParty
I’ve been wanting to do a post on boudoir photography for some time now. It’s not all that difficult a DIY game for a couple to do especially with phones now having high quality cameras in them and mini SD cards for storage that you can password protect.
I would still encourage buying a camera. For way less than the price of a phone you can get some 12+ megapixel cameras and not have to worry about photos being sent to the cloud and the SD card is removable for privacy, You don’t even have to store the photos on your computer. You just read the card, take it out when done and store it in a secure place. You can even password protect the files.
Cloud storage is something that should have always been an opt-in feature to begin with for photos and texts and not a feature you have to disable or jump through a bunch of hoops to defeat. A big screen prompt should read “SEND TO CLOUD?” with the “NO” button the first one right next to the prompt so you can’t accidentally send. And if you click “YES” it should always ask for a confirmation before sending. So much grief so easily avoided.
Oh, I completely agree. It can be very disconcerting to have your stuff uploading to the cloud. You can always use an app on your phone like Snapchat or the Couples app.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” If a man didn’t consider a woman attractive, at least on some level, he would not have pursued her. Tastes change and we learn to appreciate something over time. At sixty-four I see many older women that I consider attractive. I would not have at thirty-four. Believe it or not, a man is able to see certain parts of his wife as wonderful while not noticing other parts. My wife has stretch marks from three pregnancies. She has to call my attention to them for me to see them. I hardly ever even notice them. Love does something special in this regard. Believe it, ladies. Because I love my wife, I never tire of seeing her body. We walk around in the buff, take showers together, and I spend wonderful times just staring at her lady parts. They are a never-ceasing joy to me, and we’ve been married over forty years. A man in love appreciates his wife’s body in ways that his wife cannot even begin to understand. You will never understand why, but you cheat yourself when you don’t believe him.
Sorry Keelie,
It might just be me but I am not getting any audio on your video. Just thought I would give you a heads up so you can try to fix it. I hope you can. 🙂
I haven’t read The Happiness Dare yet, but I’ve been hearing about it from everybody. Maybe I need to read it, too! And I also love thrifting… I like to go get books for my kids at thrift stores. I also homeschool, and good books are a must, but there’s not really extra money in the budget for a lot of books right now. But I’ve found some really great ones for a dollar at the thrift store! 🙂 Blessings and grace, Tasha
I’m really enjoying the happiness dare. 🙂 It’s been good for me.
I find books at the thrift store here too. They usually run $0.25 unless they are having a bag sale. It is cheaper to go there and buy book then to drive to the nearest library and check them out.
I’m buying homeschool curriculum now. It is so pricey as they get older in grades. I’m doing everything I can to get it off of ebay for cheap and used!
I love this! I always feel like I cannot be as happy as I want to be because I’m worried about what will be taken from me tomorrow. I must remind myself that worry only takes away from today’s happiness. Thanks for sharing your happiness journey.
You have so many great ideas, and I wish I had the confidence to try them out. I think your photo shoot idea would be great for the pretty girls. I do not like the way I look, and I look hideous in every photo ever taken of me. I used to toss out any photos that I was in, but then someone said “if something happens to you, your kids will be sad that they don’t have any photos.” So now I just tuck them away. Anyhow, I struggle with believing my husband finds me even remotely attractive, and so I don’t know if I could go through with something like this. Maybe someday, once I get out of my own way. But it’s a great idea.
I hoping that one day I will find a way to find myself good enough to take part in some of your ideas, because most of them sound really fun.
It is very hard to put yourself out there on camera, I agree. I encourage you to start out by taking selfies. That is how I felt more confident with being in pictures. I used to hate the way I looked too. Selfies actually did a lot to help me.
I was wondering if you knew of a website that my wife and I could get personalized stories that we could then act out? We’ve seen a website called either married fire of marriage heat…I can’t remember which but once we signed up for stories, we never received anything. It’s definitely not a necessity but I think would be nice. Thanks!!
I personally do not like Married Heat because I think they are way too descriptive with their stories. However, if you go to Married Christian Sex http://marriedchristiansex.com/ you can have random stories generated for you and your spouse. 🙂
Sorry, I need to amend my earlier comment. Of course, I didn’t post the “Marriage Mistakes…”, and I’d like to re-word what I did post, so you can delete the entire thing. Sorry.
Hi there! Love your post, but please think long and hard before giving someone Christmas stuff for their winter birthday. My bday is just a few days away from Christmas and I don’t like it. It was never special. As a child, my sisters birthday was special, but mine was often overlooked because “it’s so close to Christmas!” Aunts would give my older sister a sweater and jeans for Christmas. I’d get the sweater for my birthday and the jeans for Christmas. Sure, I sound selfish, but it bothered me as a kid. All of my birthday presents were wrapped in Christmas paper. As an adult, this is kind of a joke, but anyone who knows me well and loves me wraps my birthday gifts in regular paper. It’s just something that makes it stand out, you know? Like I’m not just being lumped in with the rest of the holiday celebrations. You can give me a pack of gum and I will be thrilled if it’s wrapped in plain paper instead of Christmas wrap. 🙂 One of the sweetest things my husband ever did was, he bought me a charm for a bracelet – the jewelry store wrapped it for him, in Christmas paper! He came home, unwrapped it, and rewrapped it himself in regular paper. I absolutely love him for that! It sounds crazy, but that gesture meant more to me than the charm itself. It was a very loving and thoughtful thing to do.
Christmas is great, don’t get me wrong. I’m just not super crazy about being an afterthought. As a mom, I totally understand the rush of the Christmas season, and I don’t even care so much if people even forget my birthday at this point. But as a child, I would have liked a little bit more of the same treatment as my sister, instead of it all being lumped together.
Just a little input from a close-to-Christmas baby. 🙂
I understand where you are coming from! I have a son, a niece, and a nephew that have birthdays near Christmas. We all try to do something special for them.
I suspect my guest writer probably doesn’t have a December birthday. Great points from you! 🙂
My wife will do it with me if I ask, but I can tell she’s not into it. She never initiates either. I’ve stopped asking for a number of years; why should two people suffer rather than one? Now I just masturbate to porn when I’m doing number two, and visit a prostitute on occasion. When people tell me that sex is a gift from God, I wish so much I had a way to return it to the store; it’s nothing but a sick scam or a really poorly implemented product. Oh and as strongly recommended, we saved ourselves too till after our wedding day; big difference that made.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in a sexless marriage. That hurts my heart Sex is a gift from God my friend. However, people are sinful, and we do sinful things.
Awww. Sweet post 🙂
Is it just me or are the ingredients for the filling mixture under the streusel topping heading and vice versa? Easy mistake and easy to figure out what you mean, but just in case someone isn’t paying attention…
Hey Melissa, thanks for pointing that out! I’ll go fix it right up. 🙂
Delish! My kids would love these. On my list of things to do soon. 🙂
Hope they do Ellen! Mine are just about gone. It is time I buy another pumpkin so I can make more. 🙂
Good points. Showing affection each day is important. As you say, love and affection take many forms, but spouses need to show each other affection and caring each day.
What forms of affection do you think are most effective? Is it all personal preference?
Keelie, this is a major issue in many marriages. in some marriages, it is the wife who plays the gatekeeper in sexual intimacy. In other marriages, the man loses interest in having sex with his wife. When you see marriages in crisis or failing marriages, lack of frequent lovemaking is often present.
I agree. A lack of lovemaking is indicative of major problems in the marriage. Without actively addressing those issues, then there is no way for sexual intimacy to return. Not to say that the couple isn’t having sex at all, it just isn’t as intimate.
How about affection shown in forms that both the giver and the receiver both like? If the wife knows that her husband likes to kiss, then she could enjoy doing that with her husband. One should enjoy showing affection to their spouse.
Great article. Preparing throughout the day for intimacy is helpful to many persons.
Thank you. 🙂 I know that this applies to women more than men in general.
Good insightful article. Naturally, many wives feel vulnerable when fully nude, but within the loving security of their marriage, they can learn to embrace the vulnerability.
For the wife who may need to try this in steps, she can come to bed without the pajamas but still have a tee shirt and panties on. Then when she is more comfortable, she can get into bed fully nude.
Your point about building non-sexual intimacy is helpful. Being close and vulnerable with each other does help to build trust and emotional intimacy.
Thanks so much for your insights Larry. I checked out your blog. 🙂 You have some great insights too. I tried to leave a comment, but I couldn’t sign into wordpress for some reason and it would let me leave the message.
You are so right about being naked in bed providing the opportunity for creating more non-sexual touch in a marriage. It is true that if you have been starving your husband’s visual and tactile senses, the two of you will likely go through an adjustment period of increased sexual touching and other sexual attentions. After he reaches a satiation point and knows your nude body will be available to him on a regular and repeating basis things will calm down some.
There may be increased sexual attention because of the increased opportunity to touch your body, but the nonsexual touching will begin to grow and this will provide for increased bonding experiences.
I know when my wife and I go through an extended stretch without sex, the first thing I want to do is spend a prolonged period just touching her all over her body from her toes to the top of her head. I am in no rush to get to the sex. I need that lengthy physical contact first. I can see I need to do a post about that.
You are also correct in that it should help wives hopefully become more comfortable being nude in front of their husbands. A wife may even begin to see his looks as admiring and desiring and not leering.
Glad to have found this blog linking from Sex Within Marriage. That’s the first time I have seen you comment or I suspect I would have been here sooner.
Thanks so much for stopping by. It is true, men need to see their wives naked. As a woman, I think that is a hard concept to be ok with sometimes.
I just found sex within marriage the other day. I have only had a chance to read a few of the posts since then. I went over to your blog, and I read a post. It was very insightful. I did try to leave a message, but I was asked to sign into my wordpress account, but for some reason, I can’t ever get that to work right for me. It was about a woman and duty sex and how she can help herself understand what feels good for her body. I know that is a very hard thing for a lot of women. It is good to write about these topics to help those that struggle.
You do have a wordPress account? If so what is it telling you when you try to sign in? I see you have had this problem before. I used to have it when I commented on Blogger. I would tell me my I did not own that user name which, of course, I did. I found I could use OpenID. Try that. You enter your url including the http;//. Use this one;
https://lovehopeadventure.com if it is registered with WordPress as your OpenID username. Give it a shot.
Before you hit the comment button, cntrl/C your comment to have a copy. It if doesn’t take, it dumps your comment and you have to rewrite. It a good practice to get into with any comment you write before hitting comment. Just remember, that comment is held in the cache until you overwrite it with another “copy” of something. Someone may cntrl/V something you wish they hadn’t seen.
You can see how it works here:
http://surrenderednewbea.blogspot.com/2014/11/best-wife-ever.html
Im the “youguystalkedmeintothis” comment. That’s an OpenID tag.
It wants me to sign into my wordpress account, which I have right? I own this blog. So, I used this website URL and then when I submit a comment, it asks me to login. So, I use the same login info that I do to get into this blog. It rejects it. I’ve been having this problem with other blogs as well that want me to login to my wordpress account. It just keeps telling me I have the wrong password, which I do not have the wrong password!
Good idea with the copying my comments. It is annoying to loose what I spent time writing, and even more annoying to not be able to interact. I don’t know what Open ID is. can you email me about this at Joannapea81@yahoo.com? Maybe you can help me figure it out. I’m so lost!
Sorry it took so long to get back. I didn’t get an email when your replied to my comment.
“It wants me to sign into my wordpress account, which I have right?”
Is that question rhetorical or are you asking me if you have a WordPress account?
If you have a WordPress account, you likely have OpenID with it. Below the comment box, it asks When it says “Comment as” and asks you to choose a aprofile. You click on “OpenID”. In the OpendID profile it asks you to enter You enter the “OpenID URL” in the box. You enter the following:
https://lovehopeadventure.com and only that exactly like that. If it prefills with an extra “http://” delete the extra before entering the ID.
Then you can hit preview or go straight to publish. Allow it time to publish the comment. I will appear either in moderation or be immediately published depending on how the publisher has the blog set up. Don’t forget to Cntrl-C your comment first in case something goes wrong. if nothing else, you can comment using Name/URL but it doesn’t show a hyperlink to your blog with the comment. Let me know how it works. If it say it cannot verify your OpenID credentials then you need to establish an account. Go read here:
http://openid.net/get-an-openid/what-is-openid/
I think I figured out a different way to leave comments on your website. I’m pretty sure I was reading an article this morning that I left a comment on. Thanks for the info. I’ll do some more reading for when I run into that prob again.
Thanks for being so awesome. 🙂
I would love to do this but kids make it a bit difficult…any suggestions for that?
Hey there Bea,
yeah, I understand your concerns. I have three boys aged 3, 8, and 9. What we have done is teach our children to knock on the door before they come in. This gives me a chance to cover up or get presentable. When they were very little, we would lock our door as part of teaching them to knock and give us our privacy.
I keep a robe by my bed so that if they need me in the middle of the night, I can get up and put on the robe right away. Like I said in my post, I’ve slept without clothes on since I was a teenager. I haven’t found it to be too difficult with kids to sleep naked. I just tell them that they should always knock before they come in because I might be getting dressed. They get it and have learned to stay out.
Even when we are out of town and sharing a room, I take off my pants at least, when I get in the bed. It’s been a true comfort thing for me to sleep without clothes on. I guess it has made me be pretty diligent about teaching my kids to knock on the door, or give me a minute before they get in bed with me.
Hope this helps you! I think you can train your children to knock on the door and give you privacy. Good luck. 🙂
Interesting thoughts and suggestions. When couples do spend more time on foreplay, the lovemaking can be more satisfying for both spouses.
One benefit of this game (you describe above) would be to encourage the spouses to be a little more adventurous in their foreplay; and that can lead to them finding out they enjoy things they may never have considered trying (such as some playful and loving oral sex).
I played this game with my husband recently. It was ok, but I created another game that we have had a lot more fun with. I just haven’t loaded it on here yet. I’m going to have to do that.
I definitely think that this game is good for couples that do not engage in conversation about sex. My husband and I talk about sex a lot, so we really didn’t learn anything new from each other from the question list we put together. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that we wrote this question list based off of other conversations we have had with each other.
Yes, foreplay is key for building intimacy. 🙂
Looking forward to your future articles. Best wishes.
Keelie, thank you for this article. It is very needed! As married couples, we need to build our marriages up to be stronger–with God’s help. We married ladies should constantly be flirting with our spouses and making them feel loved and special. 🙂
I totally agree with you Luba. We do need to flirt with our spouses. 🙂 I think some people get in a rut and focus their flirting on others.
Thanks so much for those helpful tips. 🙂 I know that some women really struggle with this. I know so many men want to help their wives, but struggle. It can be hard for both parties when she is unsuccessful.
That is because I do not have the signup ability yet. I’m still working on figuring out how to do that. As soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know. 🙂
I’d be happy to review your book, if you would like. You can send me a message through my contact page. 🙂
Thanks so much for the great guest post, Keelie! How fun that we have a personal connection in my cousins and aunt/uncle!
Thank you so so much for letting me guest post. Guess what! I’m actually staying with the Jones’s in two weeks! They are letting our family crash for a few days for a wedding. 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed the post Keelie! I enjoyed yours as well.
Thanks so much for addressing such tough issues. It is really awesome to see such honesty on a subject that so many people shy away from.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing xo
You are welcome. I enjoyed checking out your blog, too. 🙂
Great topic for thinking about! In the US today, it is not just children that become too materialistic. Adults place too much emphasis on material things. We need to stress spiritual values more. People can learn to appreciate what they have and not always be longing after things they do not have.
I agree Larry. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts.
A good wake up call for men who are notoriously lousy in bed
“One day, I woke up and thought, “You know, I spent a lot of time and energy thinking about intimacy during the years when I wasn’t able to be intimate. Now that I can be intimate, I’m saying no. What is my problem?”.
After I had that realization, I decided that I’d not only stop saying no, but I would start initiating more. This was part of the married dream, and I wasn’t pursuing it. ”
This is the one that sums it all up !
Thank you for saying this !
Hey, good chocolate is better than bad sex….and when you are married to Mr. Gatekeeper Vanilla Unteachable, it can be a sanity saver. I love my husband and have tried talking with him about our sex life, encouraging, seeking counsel, etc, and he isn’t nudging much, so our sex life is pretty bland. Yes, I do indulge in chocolate when it gets to me.
Yeah, you are absolutely right. In cases like your situation, you have to find ways to cope. I definitely wasn’t talking about men or women that want to have sex, but are being denied. I would suggest you check out this article about some reasons your husband may not want to have sex very often. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/husband-doesnt-want-sex/. Sheila, at To Love Honor and Vacuum always has great insights into what might be going on.
I pray that you and your husband find satisfaction in one another. Negotiating the marriage bed is so difficult between couples. I know that sexual tension is often the top of the list when it comes to fighting and frustration. I would definitely keep working with your husband and don’t give up.
Yes, I have read it and every other article out there on it. He drew his line in the sand and I am quite sure it will literally take an act of God before he budges.
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear this for you and your husband. I know I can’t possibly begin to know the struggles you are having. All I know is that God cares for you and your problems. Truly, I’m praying for you tonight that you will have peace
Thank you. One thing it does is helps me to talk to refusing and limiting wives and urge them in our own girl talk language to extend themselves to their husbands sexually. My hurt as a woman is something they understand. When they see their husband’s hurt translated through my hurt, it can open their eyes.
That is amazing that you have the ability to get to the heart of women that are refusing their spouses. What a difficult thing for you to go through. I’m glad you are finding a way to help others in the midst of your struggles. What an amazing woman you are.
I couldn’t believe I had missed subscribing to your blog. I thought I had done that months ago. I’ll comment on this in a bit.
you know, I didn’t always have a subscribe feature. I tried to get a subscribe feature, but wasn’t sure if it was working. Let me know if it works. 🙂 That would be helpful information.
Well, for starters, you don’t have the option “Notify me of new comments to this post.”
I did not get notified of your reply to this post. Also, in my WordPress “Blogs I Follow”, your blog does not show as one I follow. This may just be specific to me OR WordPress, but it could be a problem originating from your side. As it is, I will have to wait for you to do a new post beyond March 5 to find out. I will again click the “new post” check box. We shall see. The only reason I know you posted this reply is I saw your blog as a referring site and came to check what I had said that caused someone to click through to my blog. If you have replied to any of my other comments or asked a question, I may never know.
Also, unless you moderate every comment all the time to hold trolls in abeyance , even though I have already commented and been approved once before, the above comment and no doubt this one are being held captive in moderation.
Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out what to do with this plugin I installed for the subscribe feature. I’ll have to figure it out soon. 🙂
I just checked my WP “Blogs I Follow” and found I am following you but get no email or reader notifications of new posts. I finally followed you by adding your url, not clicking the “Notify me…” check box.
sigh…someone is going to have to help me. Thanks for the info. I’ll pass it along to someone that knows what in the world they are doing. Thanks for keeping me up to date.
Excellent post, Keelie. I admire your ability to say so much in so few words. I have yet to master that ability. “Believe your partner instead” is so necessary in a marriage especially as time and gravity exacts a price from both men and women. Body image is 95% perception and 5% reality. Husbands are not looking for perfection. We just want to look. Keep up the good work.
Yes, a woman has to believe her husband for sure. None of us are capable of seeing ourselves the way our spouses see us. It is the same for men, they must believe their wives when their wives give them encouragement about something. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to self doubt. Others don’t doubt us the way we doubt ourselves.
Brilliant, all my exact thoughts. Just brilliant. xx
Good for both of you! It is hard to stay focused and dedicated, isn’t it?
Keep up the exercise, they healthy eating, and the water. Those are my best tips.
I also like to focus on the healthy foods that we love rather than on the things we cannot have.
Blessings to you both for continued health and success!
Thanks for the encouragement Heather. I really appreciate it. 🙂 Yes, we must focus on portion control, eating good foods, and drinking a lot of water. Exercise is super helpful too.
175 lbs? That was a tough time I’m sure. It would be difficult enough from a body image standpoint, but living with the feelings of poor health and limited physical motion is what really depresses a person. 135 lbs is not too bad if you are around 5’10”.
Diet, exercise and water are certainly the key. There is always someone who tells you how many calories you can burn having sex. I think they probably over estimate, but I think I would be remiss if I didn’t throw that into the mix on a regular basis. That’s just my layman’s opinion, of course. I could be wrong, but I wouldn’t let that stop me. “Don’t forget we need to exercise, Hon…. Again.”
Yes, sex is great for exercise. 🙂 However, exercise is actually really great for sex! Stamina is a powerful thing when it comes to gettin it on.
You know, when I weighed 175, I didn’t have a hard time moving around. Most people actually don’t believe me when I say I weighed that much. I’m around 150 right now, which is good enough for me. I definitely focus on being healthy, and if I get thinner because of it, awesome. Actually, I’m 5’2″ if you can believe it. Super short, and not that thin. I’m ok with it though. It’s ok to be a size 10.
A size 10 is indeed okay, 5’2″? You’re a little thing. At a 10 your weight sounds fairly well distributed over your body. Mine is the same but a bit more concentrated in my waist. Most people think I weigh less than I do. They always think I am younger than my age. I work hard for an older guy.
Lol.. you work hard for an older guy. 😀 That is awesome. I’m 33. I don’t think people think I’m that old in general either.
I admire your convictions and your desire to strengthen your marriage and to encourage others to do likewise. I believe my husband would appreciate this idea.
I bet he would love it. You know, I bet you would love it too. Foreplay is such an exciting thing for both people in the marriage.
It’s so funny. My husband laughs at me all the time when I beg him to get a phone that I can text him on. He has no idea how fun it can be to sext and how much better it’ll be later that night if we do.
Perhaps a game might help….but who has time for games after long days, and putting kids to bed? UGH.
I’ll just keep telling him we need to get him a phone to text with me. The foreplay with that is A LOT OF FUN!
But I will be bookmarking this page, for when the kids start doing sleepovers at friends’ houses and we have more time to play at home without them around!!!!
I know exactly how you feel when it comes to being tired at the end of the day. My husband and I really enjoy bedroom games for special times, like birthdays, anniversaries, and when we want to change things up.
A game like this might add on an extra 15-20 minutes to a night you have sex. Sure, you can’t do it all the time, but maybe here and there. 🙂
I was just talking about this with a friend of mine over lunch. You know, how going back to the basics – foreplay – could really kick start a relationship that may have fallen into a rut. This is a great way to do it without any awkwardness. Who doesn’t love a game!?
You are completely right Cristina. Many people forget about foreplay when having been married for some time. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that kissing, rubbing, touching, and other sensual things area great way to spice things up.
I haven’t reached the point of needing anything to help me set the mood for sex yet in my life. I still crave it daily with my husband. I do put on sexy lingerie and makeup from time to time to spice things up more.
We just recently reviewed the Fantasy Box monthly membership box and that was a lot of fun to do.
This sounds like a great game to play this St. Patrick’s Day and other days. Thanks for sharing it with us.
I’m going to have to check out the Fantasy Box membership. Have you got a link to it? I would love to see what it is.
This looks fun. I love how people are still willing to share things like this. I have been married to my husband for going on 3 years and together for going on 5 years. I love this 🙂
Congrats on your years of marriage! These types of games are great to help you focus on each other. My husband and I have enjoyed putting them together.
This would be great for those at-home date nights when we finally get the house to ourselves. Thanks for sharing!
I completely agree. 🙂 I actually find these types of games perfect for celebrating special days.
Taking care of your marriage is the best thing you can do for your kids. It’s important for them to see their parents’ relationship is strong, and this is certainly an aspect of that.
I completely agree. 🙂 Parents do need to focus on one another and sex is a vital part of any solid marriage.
Fun idea for a date night at home. Probably should get a babysitter to take the kids for the night though. 🙂
Yes, it is a great idea for a weekend getaway or an at home date night.
Interesting post and I’m impressed by your creativity.
Thanks so much. I appreciate that. 🙂
This looks like a great way to relight the fire in a marriage. 🙂
Yes, it is a great way to spice things up a bit or just have a fun time. 🙂
I have to say that I love this idea so much! My husband and I used to play a game called “Bliss” which worked well to spice things up. However that was 8 years ago! This will be so useful to spice things up again!! Thank you so much for having the “cohones” to post topics like this!!
That is awesome. 🙂 I’m so glad you guys had a game you used to love to play. Hope one of the bedroom games I have on my site will help you out. 🙂 We always enjoy playing bedroom games when we have time.
I was admittedly a little nervous when I got to this link on the commentathon haha! But reading your post, you actually made it seem like a fun date night idea!
Yeah, I honestly wasn’t thinking that one through when I submitted this post. 🙂 So happy you see it as a great date night idea.
Some of these made me chuckle out loud. My husband and I might need to try this. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
That is awesome. 🙂 Hope you do.
Very interesting. I’ll have to check this out.
Great!
This sure is interesting! I bet husbands would love it! I do think marriage is very important. It’s hard to make time when you have kids. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, sex is super important for a couple. I hope that some women will love this game too. It’s a lot of fun and builds intimacy between the couple.
These are definitely great games to spice things up in the bedroom! I’m going to have to show this post to my husband, I think he would love it!
That is awesome. 🙂 Hope you guys enjoy.
Good points. These are all good and married couples ought to seriously think about them.
Thanks. 🙂 I appreciate that.
A post full of things have no current use for at this time in my life. It is very creative idea, an adult game of truth or dare.
Yes, I understand that this post is not for everyone. Sorry about that. Maybe you can find a great recipe in my kitchen section that you would like. 🙂
Good suggestions. Sometimes couples who’ve been married and who have kids have to remember how to be couples again!
Yes, you absolutely right. 🙂 I agree.
A great way to spice up your sex life. Sometimes we just get in a habit ya know? Great that you are bold enough to talk about this.
Yes, it is important to spend time in foreplay with your spouse. Definitely a worthy topic. 🙂
Ummmm Hello!! Love the ideas, love the “spice!” Definitely playing this with my hubby! 🙂 😉
That is fantastic 🙂
Ooooh, looks like great ideas. Not sure we’d play these but I’m sure they’re fun! 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Well, maybe one day it will work for you. 🙂
I love this idea! I think my husband and I need something like this to get the spice back. It would be fun. Thanks for the game!
You are so welcome. Be sure to check out the other 2 free games that are listed in the post. 🙂
Oh my gosh, this sounds like fun! I think no matter where you are–newlyweds or grandparents–this is a fun way to get to know your spouse and what you want from each other. Talking about sex is a good way to ensure both of you are feeling the heat and getting the most out of your moments together.
I completely agree. Husbands and wives should be talking about that intimate part of their marriage.
I’m not sure we’d do this but it looks like it could be fun!
It was great for me. 🙂 I know it isn’t for everyone.
This definitely had me blushing. Something fun to do with hubby though.
Oh, sorry about that. I thought I had put out a disclaimer on this one about some of the things being blush worthy. Thanks for reading through. 🙂
Hmm, this could be fun…have you ever checked out The Dating Divas? They have a bunch of games like this that you can print for free. Some of them are a bit more tame and some more spicy, but either way, they have some good inspiration.
Ahh… yes! I love the dating divas. 🙂 They are my heroes. Really, I do love their ideas for full date nights with all the printables and everything.
I LOVE it!! This is right up my alley! I am always on the lookout for new and creative ways to make our bedroom adventures more interesting.
Thank you for sharing this idea.
That is great. Check out the other two bedroom games I have linked in the article too. 🙂
We used to do stuff like this all the time but it’s been awhile. Thanks for the game.!
You are welcome!
This is a very interesting concept and it is certainly one that would help keep the flame going within a relationship. Sometimes it’s fun to step outside the box of the norm and rediscover one another. Thank you for sharing this.
I completely agree. All these cards are made to bring you into close relationship with each other. 🙂
Interesting. I wonder what it is like to have sex with me too 😉
I guess you should ask your spouse. 🙂
I’m all about trying nee things to keep the passion alive and well in my marriage. Thank you for sharing 🙂
You are welcome. Thanks for stopping by.
These are awesome, I really do enjoy spending time at home with my BF, it’s definitely a bonding experience. It’s also great to see that there are so many ways to spice things up! Great tips, and thanks for sharing these!
One day these might help you out. 🙂
Well, now that I’m done blushing, thanks for the tips. I think most relationships could use a little perk up every now and then.
Glad you like the tips. 🙂
Wow those are certainly some interesting suggestions.
yes, they are some fun things to do with your spouse. 🙂
I wonder if any psychologist have come up with and option for mother and baby to create an ocytocin release for bonding similar to that which comes with breast feeding? If a child will suck a pacifier for comfort, would using the mother’s breast as a pacifier before a nap or bedtime have the some effect? Of course, there may not be many mothers who want to devote the time to being a human “pacifier” but if they experienced an oxytocin release like with milk letdown they might for the benefit provided both. Just wondering. Being a man, I might have it all wrong.
I let my boys suck even though I knew nothing was coming out. I didn’t do it for too long after I turned to the bottles. However, I was happy to have the bonding experience.
Its wonderful knowing all these tricks but the crux of the matter is if everyone is at par.
I think wives should be encouraged to initiate, but I think they desire their husbands to assume a role of leadership and dominance. Check out my Part 7 for more, Keelie. Dominance does not mean dominating.
I’ll check it out. I was wondering when you would finish the series you were in.
Keep up the good work, Keelie. Women need to know they too can take an active role in ramping things up in the bedroom.
Beautiful thoughts from a lovely lady.
Thank you Mim. 🙂
Hi Keelie – This is a great post and such a difficult challenge for most women. Thanks so much for sharing my post as part of it.
I’m really excited to find your blog. So happy to share great blog posts. 🙂
This is a tough one for sure. So much of the problem is what women internalize about about themselves, not what their husbands say. One can certainly argue that the behavior of husbands can affect how their wives feel, but in the end, it really comes down to how women decide to feel about themselves. I tried to address this once with “Look Away. I’m Hideous,” but I could not really offer any solutions, only point out how women are buying into false perceptions about how their husbands see them. I hope you can offer some insights I missed or correct my possible misunderstanding of the problem.
Yes, you are right in saying that a woman must decide they feel beautiful. No one can really do that for them. Yes, a husband that tells his wife she is beautiful is a great thing. However, it almost doesn’t make a difference unless the woman is willing to accept the compliment. That is for all of us though. If you aren’t good at accepting compliments, it won’t matter what anyone says to you, you won’t believe it.
I have a pretty well rounded series to help women with this issue. I think it is very important for the health of a relationship that both the husband and wife feel secure in who they are.
Great idea! I think regular is far more important than varied. I’ve always felt if a couple can’t be happy with a good deal of vanilla variety wouldn’t fix things. Not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with variety…
Yes, I think the frequency is a good place to start for any couple that wants to ignite passion in their sex lives. 🙂
Yeah, daily sex can be a bit much. We’ve never made it a month either (though we haven’t specifically aimed for that).
you know, I thought it would be easy, because we are together more often then we are not.
Thanks for the link! I’m adding you to our sidebar.
Thanks so much. 🙂 I love reading your site.
Just added you to my blog roll too!
We were recently at a beachfront condo on the Gulf in Florida and one 20′ wall from floor to ceiling was a mirror. It ran from the sliding glass doors at the balcony back across the living and dining area. It was a playground with a leather couch and loveseat, the dining room table, a breakfast bar area with two stools and a counter with a 3′ mirror wall across from it. It was really fun and really exciting and we really want to do it again really soon. It resembled the wall in the sitting area of this post, but much nicer.
https://youguystalkedmeintothis.wordpress.com/2014/07/15/a-romantic-gift-for-him-gift-2/
That pretty much sounds like a dream come true to me. 🙂 I love hotel sex. It’s totally awesome. Mirrors are my friend! Lol
A great resource about oral sex can be found in Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch, chapter 14, Blow Your Mind.
I’ll be sure to check it out
Great topic. Do you have mirrors permanently installed around your bed? Where do you put them? Do you just move them in when you want to use them? I’ve wanted to try this, but I’m not sure how to implement it.
(Linked to this post here.)
The picture of the mirror and the bed in this post are in my room. The mirror sits on my dresser and is at the end our bed. We have one on the outside of our bathroom door that we can open to look into. It’s a full length mirror. I also have smaller hand held mirrors that we can use if we want to. I can’t attach mirrors to the ceiling or anything, because of the kind of ceilings I have. I would suggest to anyone to get one of those free standing mirrors that can move around your room. I would love to have one, but just can’t afford one. Maybe one day.
Cool. We have several “extra” mirrors in the basement (for various reasons). Maybe we can deploy them to some effect.
I hope it works out for you. 🙂 I know that it has been a great addition for us.
There’s just nothing like seeing the action.Toward the end it can get really hard to keep your eyes on it as they want to roll back into head and it all turns into moaning with pleasure and panting. TMI but the juiciness of penis-in-vagina to and from motion is extremely exciting for both of us to witness. A ten dollar mirror (1 foot by four foot)from wal-mart can do wonders and there are 100 creative ways to use it, including laying it on the floor so the wife can witness doggie style with juices and cum dripping on the mirror. all very sexy! A great way to add spice! Good article.
I love this. Am pinning for later. 🙂
I think the only thing I would change is the concept of meeting your spouse halfway, because how do you determine what is halfway? What if your husband thinks he is meeting you halfway but you feel he is only a quarter of the way there? Marriage isn’t 50/50 but 100/100. You both need to give it your all. Rather than trying to meet my husband at some vague halfway point, we instead try to come up with a win/win solution. Because if one person “wins” while the other loses, in actuality you both lose, so keep working until you find a solution that you both are happy with. (Although I should mention that there should be times of sacrifice too, in which YOU deliberately CHOOSE to take the loss so your spouse can win. But a heathy marriage should never force a loss on a spouse who isn’t willing to take it or that will foster bitterness and resentment.)
Thank you for sharing your mom’s words of wisdom!
I agree, you are right, we do need to give 100% of ourselves. You are so right, there are times we must be willing to cover our spouse with grace and take the hit. I completely agree.
Thanks so much for saying that.
Thanks so much Tammy 🙂 I really appreciate it.
Hi Keelie – Good information, and thanks for sharing my post.
You are welcome. 🙂 Thanks for the great blog posts you write.
love the picture with your hands in the sand. My husband loves it when I include a game for our date nights. Once I made a board game for Valentine’s Day for us, he kept it tucked under his side of the bed for forever.
That is really sweet that you made him a game he loved that much. I love bedroom games too. 🙂
Thank you for the shout out!!! Great post!!! Looking forward to keeping in touch!
Love your blog. 🙂 Happy to keep in touch.
Well, yay! Happy number 12, Keelie and Austin. I hope you both are having a great time celebrating today…and tonight. 😉
thanks so much
I have been falling way behind on my blog reading. I am sorry to hear of your trial. I’ll be praying for some relief and resolution for you.
Just throwing down a test post here to see if I can figure out if we now have a new WordPress problem.
do things seem to be working now?
Well, this is very strange. I registered as a user which put me in moderation. Now I’ve logged out and things are as they were.
I saw you register as a user. I actually have no idea what is going on. :/ Sorry I am not of more help.
I don’t think what happened was supposed to happen. But all seems well now. I have no idea how to “unregister.”
Oh I can go in and delete you as a user. If you are just trying to sign up for my newsletter, then that is on the sidebar. 🙂 Let me know if you want me to delete you as a user, and it will unregister you 🙂
We’re always looking for new games, so thanks! Linked to your post here.
Thanks so much. 🙂 I have a few more games to post on here, but I’ve been a slacker. My husband is sweet enough to create all the graphics for me.
I agree that’s an excellent way to find out why you do sex as you do. I can remember trying to get pregnant with my son. You had that little 3 or 4 day window in which to knock it out of the park until next month. Who would think having sex would feel like a chore. “Again already? Didn’t we earlier today?”
I know what you mean. When we were trying to get pregnant with our third son, it was starting to feel that way. We did force the romance during that year and half.
This is a great resource page. We do public speaking, one-on-one coaching and have a blog and newsletter.
Always on the lookout for MORE!
Good stuff – keep it up.
Thanks so much Jerry. 🙂
I’m happy you’re able to share with us too. I feel the same way about my blog. My heart and soul are in it too. It feels so rewarding when someone tells you in a comment that you have made a positive difference in their life and then urges you to keep writing. Other than my wife, my family does not know of my blog. Perhaps some day they will.
I know some people do not tell their family about their blogs. My family knows about it. That is definitely ok with them though.
We have a name we use for a specific spot on her body. It’s fun to have something we share that we can use in public and no one is the wiser. That little bit of public naughtiness adds a bit of spice and can be fun mental foreplay.
Ah yes, that is fun. 🙂
We have a code for when either of us are in the mood. We simply say, we’re in the mood for pumpkin soup. It was a silly suggestion that stuck. It’s something we can use in front of the kids or in public and the secret makes the lead up all the more fun! We have words we only use in the bedroom too but I think I’ll keep those secret!
that’s super cute. 😀 I bet one day your kids are going to go, “why do you love pumpkin soup so much”. Lol
Thanks so much for the fun post and for the links to other great posts!
This is such an important part of a happy, healthy marriage. It keep the marriage young, fresh, and alive.
Thanks for the encouragement. I pray you will have many more years of a blessed marriage.
Thanks so much 🙂 I appreciate your kind words.
Keelie, thanks so much for mentioning my post.
Looks like your guitar playin’ guys are having a great time. (My son plays guitar too.)
That’s awesome about your son! I think I’m going to have 3 that play here pretty soon. 😀
I related to this. Not because I went to a water park. Nope, I went dress shopping. Tried on 50 ITEMS and left with 3! Many of the dresses I tried on made my stomach look like a kangaroo mom carrying triplets.
I was in a funk the rest of the day. I’m not rockin’ any bikinis, and I didn’t rock 47 dresses. But thankfully, my God and my husband still think I’m beautiful, and I have to admit that my belly is pretty awesome for turning out two great kids. So I’m watching what I eat this week and trying to exercise a bit more, but I’m not freaking out about the extra. It’s a part of my whole package of beauty, so I’m going to embrace who I am and feel good about who God made me to be.
I totally understand you. I HATE shopping! I always feel so good about myself until I get in a dressing room. :/ bleh. Thanks for sharing. We all need the encouragement of one another to be ok with our bodies as they are.
I went to a water park and was “okay.” I’ve been working on my confidence and got myself to wear and even buy a new bikini to wear in my back yard. My 5 & 7 year old destroyed me. I’ve lost 45 pounds since having my FOURTH baby in September 2013. Lilly asks, “mom, what will you look like when you finally lose weight?” Then about half an hour later, Via says to me, “I like the other suit better. The one that COVERS your tummy.”
My husband pointed out to me that it’s likely neither girl meant anything at all by their comments. I exercise every day. Lilly may genuinely think I’m still trying to lose weight and wonders what on earth will I look like. Via may really just like the other suit. All I heard was, “Mom, your FAT!”
Wow…yeah…kids can be brutally honest about what they are thinking. Something tells me, Krystina, that your stomach is in better shape than mine! I have seen how you work out and are dedicated to losing the weight. 🙂 Your girls were not trying to call you fat, but likely just genuinely curious and have strong opinions about style. I know it can seem that way though. There is something to be said about our kids learning social graces, even towards us. You’ve done an amazing job at getting healthy. Really, at the end of the day, healthy is all that matters.
I agree with every single point! And I think most importantly, one never knows when your last touch with your spouse will truly be your LAST touch. Make sure that when you part ways, your spouse will have a good memory of that moment.
Thank you so much for saying that. Yes, we never know when our moments with our spouse will come to an end.
Errmmm I am not sure who is in favour of vanilla sex, I think I would rather watch paint dry 🙁 guy on top positions are usually boring as I can’t really see anything :((( second you cannot control when you want to orgasm doubtful if you can have multiple orgasm ether BORING! I can’t imagine watching your man jack -hammering away being that fun.
Also another point is what if your the type of woman who wants more sex during her period! Personally variety is even more important in that phase, get out of your comfort zone.
Oh yes! I completely agree with you. This is a challenge that I put together to help me understand the dilemma’s that some of my readers have. I’ve had readers share that their sex life is boring and that their spouse never wants to do anything to spice it up. So, my husband and I decided to try out vanilla sex for a month and see if it was really that bad. Guess what, we couldn’t make it! While we enjoyed the vanilla sex, we really really wanted more. You can check out my update on the challenge here: https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/update-on-the-between-the-periods-challenge/.
Thanks for the shoutout!
you are welcome!
Hello, thanks for the link and trackback! However, the name is “El Fury” with one “r” 😉
I know! It was a misspelling and my husband told me that the other day when I couldn’t get to the computer. I will fix it now. 🙂
I have a friend who since the beginning of our friendship has agreed that we will encourage one another in our marriages and not allow the other to speak unkindly of unproductive about our husband. As I have watched them grow and bond it has always been a blessing to me and as she has seen me support and pray for my husband it has encouraged her. I am thankful that your post reminded me of this today!
Blessings,
Dawn
That’s wonderful that you have a friend you can do that with. Wonderful!
I love this idea, and I think it’s one that people don’t often think about. Especially when in TV shows or movies it’s commonly portrayed for the girls to get together and complain about their useless husbands while the guys go to the bar and complain about their naggy wives. It’s so important to build each other up. Thanks for the reminder.
I do hate the way people are portrayed on television, that is for sure. It’s like the people don’t even like each other, yet they are married.
Love this post. I’m so thankful for the people who invested in my marriage through the years. It’s so important to do the same for others.
I completely agree. It is important for us to be invested in and to invest in others. 🙂
I love this concept of looking after other marriages. My husband and I have just finished facilitating “The Marriage Course” for 8 weeks. It was a huge commitment and a lot of work cooking meals so that couples could have an intimate candlelit dinner before starting on the course content, but such service I see as contributing to make our society stronger. Strong marriages affect our community in more ways then we could even imagine.
Wow! That does sound labor intensive, but totally worth it. What a great ministry you and your husband have for others.
This is a message that needs to be heard. I get so tired of listening to other women run down their husbands. My mom set such a great example for my sisters and I by always lifting up our dad and praising him.
As a pastor’s family we see so many marriages with so many different needs. We try to encourage every relationship to be the best that it can.
That is very true, so many people do talk down about their spouses. We have to guide them that there is a better way. That’s great you do what you can to encourage others. 🙂
Thanks for the tips Keelie. I recommend reading posts from Ruth at http://www.christiansexclass.org as well.
Awesome! I will check out that resource as well. 🙂
Thank you so much for including me in your roundup!
You’re welcome. 🙂
Hi Keelie – Thanks so much for including my post.
you’e welcome 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing my post, Keelie, and for sharing how you trim your own hair. That is something that I’ve wondered about for a long time!
You’re welcome Heather! Hope things go well for you.
I agree with these suggestions (LOVE the idea about Christmas lights!) , & also advocate the use of essential oils-they have done so much to boost my confidence (& desire) over the last 14 months. Diffuse them, use them 2 make massage oils & body oils, you can even use the oil blend whisper as a perfume. Music is another good thing 2 help set the mood & get your mind off what u consider 2 be your physical inadequacies. Then just remember that men & women are totally different-all those little things you worry about probably don’t bother him a bit. Just try 2 stop focusing on those & instead concentrate on making him feel good. Taking pleasure in giving him pleasure helps you ignore those unsettling distractions & just enjoy each other. Oh! And play games (take regular games & adapt them 2 make them sexy) …. a great way 2 have fun together as you slip into foreplay without leaving room for you 2 think about any insecurities you might be bothered by. 🙂
Yes, I love essential oils too! I really love Jasmine and Lavender. I know that cinnamon and ginger can be used as aphrodisiacs as well. I agree about the games too! I have a few sexy games here on the site. I hope you will check them out.
I pray. ? Really. We went to a marriage seminar a few years ago, and something made me “get it.” I’d always known that there is a Godly purpose for sex in the marriage, but apparently my heart was ready to KNOW. So, I pray that we can both be open to fun, adventure, and the true intimacy that is meant for us; and it works.
That is very encouraging that you understand that God has a purpose behind sex. I really do hope you can get to a place where you feel closer to your husband through sex.
Thank you for including me in your roundup!
You’re welcome! Downloaded an app today
You hit the nail on the head with that one! We keep a box of wet wipes nearby to clean up our mess when we’re done.
Yeah, we always have something handy too. 🙂
We are very frugal in my household, too.
Neither my husband nor I have paid for a haircut since we got married. I cut his and mine. It’s fun and saves so much money!
We don’t use cloth napkins, but we do use cloth diapers. You have to be careful with which you purchase, but if you get the right ones, this can save a lot of money!
I did the cloth diapers with my boys, too, when they were younger. It did save a lot. There are so many great ways to be frugal. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
For the record, I drained and created the Family Tree print. 😉
you drained it? I don’t know what that means, but thank you. 🙂
Thanks so much for linking to my blog this week. 🙂
You are welcome. I loved the idea. 🙂
Thanks for the link!
You are welcomed. 🙂
Soooooo funny! And true! ?
These are some great ideas. I’m feeling inspired to go clean our room. I love those candle holders! That sheer fabric next to the one over your bed just makes me nervous.
Thanks so much. 🙂
What ever position you choose, try it in front of a mirror or camera. It’s about enjoying one another’s bodies and one another’s pleasure. Why miss any of that and what better way? Just a thought.
I agree! That is a great suggestion.
Thanks for the link Keelie!
You are welcome Brent. 🙂
I agree owning your own feelings is a must. Reading/meditating on scripture helps me replace bad thoughts with good ones and it helps in discovering wrong beliefs and attitudes. It is important to be honest and look at the beliefs behind the feelings so I can grow and change. When I am reactive and stuck, I respond like this Feeling–> Reaction when I am in tune with the spirit I can slow down my reactivity and it looks like this Feeling->Belief->Action. I can then examine my beliefs and choose my actions.
Very well said Mark. Thanks so much for your input.
Your comments are spot on. We are commanded to love others . 1 Corinthians 16:14 says: Do everything in love.
Thanks so much Mark. I appreciate it.
I used to be one who believed this couldn’t happen to me – until it did. Then a few years later I fell guilty against my wife as well. I know how easy it is to fall into this trap. But I am SO thankful for Christ who helped us rebuild from the ground up, and the marriage today is WAY better than it ever was prior to our fall. Tomorrow we will even celebrate our 28th anniversary!
Your point is well taken though… it’s heartbreaking that there is even a market for Ashley Madison’s garbage. God, forgive us please!
Thank you for your personal perspective on this. I think that affairs are devastating. What is very hard to believe is that people will capitalize on other’s brokenness.
Thanks for the link! We always enjoy your posts. Keep it up!
Thanks so much. 🙂 I appreciate you too.
Such great encouragement in this post, Keelie! And we are SO excited to hear that you have some new games coming soon!! 🙂
At some point I’ll upload them! I have to get my husband to do the printables because that is not my strong suit. 🙂
Thank you, Keelie!
You are welcome!
The churches are riddled with problems. They don’t teach all the sex positive messages from the Bible. They teach kids in general that: “sex is bad,dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it” This results in women growing up and adopting self defeated inhibitions about sex.
There is no “school for sex” to teach men how to give their wives great sex. As a result women tell me they feel like a “used piece of meat” having sex with their own husbands and their wam bam thank you maam roll over and go to sleep.
As a result according to Kinsey stats 72% of all women over thirty have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less.
The churches don’t teach men how to be the spiritual leaders in the home.
It is for all these reasons that i wrote my book.
I agree. We do need to do a better job teaching about sex in church.
Very good advice Keelie.
I wish more couples would realize the benefit of the “hands on” effect. It is so sensual, pleasing and gives you the feeling of being loved and desires.
I agree with you. Hands on is so important.
I can’t say that I always get dressed. There are definitely Saturdays that what I sleep in is what I stay in all day. But, there is definitely something to be said for trying to put effort into your appearance. It makes you feel more confident and shows your husband that you want to look nice for him.
I agree, it is very important to try most days. 🙂
These sound delicious -I love the looks of the topping especially! Thanks for sharing at the #HomeMattersParty
Thanks! This is my kid’s favorite muffin. I know the process seems a bit involved, but it is well worth it. 🙂
My husband and I like to laugh together. And all hail the power of a candle lit room!
Laughing together is so much fun 🙂 Yes…I agree…candlelit rooms are where it’s at.
So many great ideas. So important to take the time these things take in marriage. Thanks for all the advice!
You are welcomed! I appreciate you taking the time to read over it. 🙂
Spicy advice Keelie 😉 Love it, and a lot of this is really helpful insight!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Just being together is the best way for my husband to make me feel attractive. We also try to give the other one the love language that works best. And there’s nothing wrong with a good back massage or just simple hand holding. There are so many ways couples can help one another feel attractive! Thank you for the reminders!
Yes! Speaking in their love language is so helpful.
My Hubs and I love to spend time together. Usually just a hot drink together while the kiddos are napping, but it sure does help us feel more connected. Thanks for the post, I think that it is SO important to invest in your marriage! 🙂
I agree! We are huge coffee drinkers.
Every couple, particularly the newly married need to read this article. It such simple small things that others tend to forget or take for granted that will then lead to a bigger divide. This post is good, I tell you
Thanks so much for saying that. 🙂
Even after 30+ years of marriage, it is important to learn to appreciate your spouse in new ways 🙂
My parents have been married for over 30 years, and I think they are always finding new ways to love one another.
Looking forward to delving into your blog some more! My husband is great with giving compliments. It also helps when we keep similar schedules.
That’s great that he is so good with compliments. Always a nice thing to be appreciated.
Wonderful post. We have smiles as our attractive. smile at each other, smile with each other … Smile … Smile …
Yes! Smiling is so important. Laughing and having fun together certainly helps you feel attractive with your spouse.
Great tips, those sexy and seductive touches are always great too.
I agree about the sexy touches. 🙂
Great tips! My hubby and I love to flirt with each other. Laughing together, really keeps us connected.
Those are some great things to do! Laugh together.
Staying connected and feeling safe and not judged with each other are important for true intimacy. Great tips!
Thanks so much. 🙂
I’m revamping my wardrobe right now to add more pieces that I feel confident in and that complement my current shape. It’s amazing how changing a few simple things can change the way feel about ourselves.
that really does make a difference! It is so crazy how a few changes can help you feel better about yourself.
I used to feel a bit self-conscious when taking photos, but I was able to get over that by taking ‘selfies’. I never posted them on anything, just kept them on my phone and deleted them afterwards, but it made me more comfortable in front of the camera when taking photos with others.
Yeah, I know a lot of people have hated the hole selfie movement, but I am with you, selfies helped me get more comfortable in front of the camera.
Spicy tips for sure! The lighting tip was my favorite. Just make sure your relationship is rock solid before bringing a camera into your intimate moments. Could led to some potentially embarrassing scenarios down the road.
Very true, cameras can get to be a problem if you aren’t with a committed spouse
Thank You. I like it a lot, great list.
You are welcome!
Good advice. Many things I haven’t thought of. Taking pictures and being in the mirror together are really good suggestions.
I’m so glad that you like the ideas!
These are wonderful tips for marriage! I have to say that being OK with how I look has been very hard for me….but knowing my husband loves me and my body (after 4 kids) makes it a lot better!
I agree, it is so reassuring to have a husband that thinks you are beautiful.
You have to be honest with your partner about what you want and also what you are comfortable with. After 25 years I think we got this part down. Good piece. Have a great weekend.
I agree, being open and honest about what you need is very important. 🙂 You have a great weekend too!
Yes, having self-confidence is key to developing physical intimacy. When I am not feeling good about my fitness or eating habits and the resulting appearance of my body, it is hard to be confident in the bedroom with my husband. One thing I remind myself and others of is that (hopefully) our body is the only one that our husbands will look at and touch in the flesh. To him, it is a thing of beauty no matter what because it belongs to him and him alone. We need to let our husbands enjoy our bodies so they are satisfied with us only. Great, provocative post!
Thanks so much for reading. 🙂 I agree, we should be enjoying sex with our spouse and loving what God gave us.
This is a great list of specific actions! My husband and I are both struggling a little bit individually with appreciating how we look but for some reason when we are together, there’s no awkwardness or hesitation. I think part of it is because he is so enthusiastic. I know when he looks at me that there is no one else more desirable to him in the world, and it’s hard to not catch that excitement.
I get you on this one. It can be really hard to have a good self image. So important to come up with ways to feel good about yourself.
i’m not sure of what we do to make us feel more attractive as a couple but these are nice tips!
Thanks so much. 🙂
This is a great list for all married couples to read. I like the idea of using Christmas lights in the bedroom. What a fun, unique way to add ambiance lighting to a romantic setting!
I love Christmas lights! It’s so easy, and much faster then candles.
I love Christmas lights. So easy!
There is an something for everyone in your post, they just need to pick 1 that will help them. Great ideas!
Thanks so much. 🙂
Great tips Keelie! Thank you for sharing with us at #HomeMattersParty. We would love to have you again next week.
Great! I will be sure to stop by again. 🙂 Thanks for hosting the parties.
My husband does a really great job of making me feel attractive. My favorite is the little wink he gives me when we’re in public. It reminds me of his love and is super flirtatious 🙂
That is so so sweet! I love to hear about those kinds of interactions between people.
Wow Keelie! I LOVED THIS POST! Thank you for being real. I so often feel alone in this area. I get annoyed reading blogs that are like “oh we are all beautiful in our own special way…you just need to embrace your beauty…find something you like… ” BLAH, blah, blah! I know they mean well, but that kind of talk does nothing for me.
I hate water parks. I used to LOVE them, and could have so much fun, until I woke up and realized every woman there had a much better body than I do. My husband doesn’t agree, and claims he still loves my body, but it’s hard! And I so know what you mean. Of course teens will have flatter tummies, but these sexy mamas with their kids in tow, ouch!
I wish I had read this eons ago! I wish I knew you personally and could have shared this before, it would have saved me so much agony. My husband has this stupid habit of getting mad at me when I get down on myself. It’s so annoying! If I feel badly about myself and dare say it out loud, he starts to get mad and/or annoyed. He’ll say stupid things like “we won’t even go to the pool on vacation if it makes you feel so badly.” Oh great! So I get to be the one who ruins everyone’s fun? I’ve even tried going and just sitting quietly by myself, not bothering a soul. Why can’t he just leave me alone with my insecurities? As you said, they’ll pass. I wish he’d just leave me alone and have fun, but he won’t.
Anyhow, THANK YOU for being real! It is so much easier to take you seriously and listen to your advice knowing that you’ve been there and you UNDERSTAND!
I’m so thankful that my experiences touched you. It was a very difficult thing for me to go to the waterpark this summer with my friends. I still deal with the thoughts of what I saw there. I already am working on my game plan of how I will handle this situation next summer if I end up at the beach or waterpark again.
I know why your husband gets upset when you get down on yourself. He takes it personally, because he finds you to be amazingly beautiful, and you are telling him he is wrong for thinking that. Sure, it is going to make him feel defensive. If your children started talking about how stupid they are or dumb they are, wouldn’t you want to put a stop to that kind of negative talk right away? Sure you would. You love them! He wants to do the same thing for you. Does this mean he is handling it well when you get down on yourself? No, probably not, but you can at least identify with where he is coming from when he gets mad. He just wants you to know that he loves you, but not doing the best job at it sometimes, am I right? 😀
I do have a lot of things that I try to do to see the beauty in myself. I have written some posts that say you should get in the mirror and find those things you like about yourself. That certainly does help for a time, but it DOESN’T make all the insecurities go away. You, me, every person on the planet, will deal with our insecurities, no matter what we look like.
On my strong days…I walk out the door and think, “I look amazing!”. On my weak days…I walk out the door and think, “I hope no one looks at me today”. We have to accept both days…the ones we are full of confidence and the ones when we aren’t. Yes, it will pass, but while we are in it, it sucks and we can say it sucks. On the bleh days…we should own our feelings of inadequacy just as much as we should own our feelings of accomplishment on the good days.
Good post. I think it’s really important to make your marriage a priority.
I agree 🙂
What a post! So much work and so many tips and this was such a refresher (coz we all forget after being married for this long!)
Thank u! Totally enjoyed it and Ive saved it too 🙂
Thanks so much. 🙂 I know it can be hard to keep your focus afterwards.
for the record, it was actually a cardboard tube.
oh, and this was my idea 😉
Thanks for the correction babe!
I love taking pictures together. Plus, with digital cameras and camera phones, you can actually perfect one photo to keep with you whenever you’re feeling less than sexy!
That is true. It is helpful to have cameras and photo editing. 🙂
Very good advice! And may I add, the best “accessory” we can have is our spouse. The love you have for eachother will make both of you exude with happiness that can transcend to others…
I agree. Great thoughts about the accessory.
Taking time to be intimate with your spouse is so important and it is a great way to reconnect. This should be a priority in every marriage. Great tips!
I agree. We should all be investing in intimacy!
Thanks so much for sharing my post, Keelie.
You are welcome Gaye!
These are some great tips! It’s awesome when you and your spouse can find each other’s groove. My husband just called me on his lunch break to ask me out on a date tonight, and it totally made my day. He almost always calls on his lunch break, and it’s great to know he’s thinking of me.
That is awesome!
These are excellent tips! My husband and I are always complimenting one another and trying new things to keep out relationship exciting!
That’s great!
We do all of these…ever since we first started going together. But we have also only been married for 3 yrs.
I say keep up the good work then!
Great tips here! Expressing your attraction to your spouse is so important.
Thanks so much Tammy. 🙂
This was a great post! Me and my husband have double sinks in our bathroom so we are always in the mirror together. We also make sure to have professional photos done once a year 🙂
That’s a great idea to get your photos done every year.
Intimacy is so important to a marriage, great job of pointing out simple ways to help encourage it. Cute idea of using the Christmas lights.
I love Christmas lights. 🙂
This was an interesting list to read. It’s a topic that does need more attention!
Thanks. 🙂
Very interesting, not the type of article you read everyday. But these things need to be thought and talked about. It’s all part of a successful relationship.
Hahaha…you’re response made me laugh, because I’m a marriage and sex blogger, so I read these types of articles every day! Lol…I’m glad that you found it interesting. Thanks for stopping by to check it out.
i never actually thought about this–but I definitely want to start thinking about it. Thank you for giving me something to figure out with my husband!
Awesome! I hope that you do find some great things to try out with your husband.
I liked this post. Hubby and I have been married 10 years but we still flirt. It makes it fun and exciting! I am going to give a few of these ideas a try too!
Leila, I’ve been married for 12 years, and I can say that 10 years into it, we really started committing to doing more to be intimate. That is why our sex life took off. I hope that the same will happen for you. 🙂
My hubby and I like to laugh and be silly together. On the flip side, we also like to slow dance around the living room. 🙂
Yes, it is great to have fun and do romantic things. 🙂
Wow, great tips. Lots of these make me feel super insecure, and I don’t think I’d be able to do them. I really struggle with intimacy in my marriage due to insecurities. Another one I thought of (because it’s a struggle for me as well) is dancing with your partner.
I completely understand Grace. It is so hard to be vulnerable, even in our marriages. That is why it is good to pick one thing and go for it. Over time, you will warm up to it and it will help you. Good luck on finding ways to be more secure in who you are. It is so important that you do that.
My other half and I put on some weight due going on a lot of dates which includes eating a lot.Recently I went back to yoga and she came along she loved it.That what makes us feel attrative
Yoga is great for your mind and your strength. That is great to work out with your significant other. Anytime you can do things together as a couple, it can really build your bond.
Great tips!! Just because I’m married doesn’t mean that I can’t have fun!! These are great things to try with my husband! 🙂
Yes, it is so important to have fun with your loved one.
I really enjoyed reading this! I would say looking into the mirror together, and working out together; either at home or at a gym
working out together is a great thing to do.
Feeling confident in each others company is a big plus. You walk taller and feel you are not taking on the world alone.
That is true! I agree with you. 🙂
There are certainly great tips in this post. I did not think about the mirror in this way, new trick to put in my sexy tool box thank you. I agree with you about the lighting, it can certainly create the ambiance in the room and toss in a little back ground music. Candles have a way of flicking dancing shadows across the walls and keep a room warm as well. Thanks for a great post.
Rachel
Hope the mirrors really help you out! I love using mirrors now. 🙂
Loved your post! Time for some more selfies I reckon!
Here’s a fabulous and more intimate weekend!
Best wishes!
Thanks so much. 🙂
one tip left out – God is in the middle of EVERY marriage….. 😀
I agree, that is very helpful. 🙂
These are some great tips. I don’t feel attractive and I don’t know if there’s anything he can do to change that. He’s highly attracted to me even though I don’t quite see why. I certainly couldn’t stand in the mirror next to him. He’s looking better than ever these days. Makes me feel worse.
Awe….I hate that for you. I hope one day you can see yourself the way he does
Looks like you’ve put a lot of thought into your room. Thanks for sharing with us at the #HomeMattersParty link party
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Great article, I can certainly relate. The one thing I would add is hearing from God. I ask Jesus to tell me the truth about how he feels about me. And then I listen and I write down his answer. (John 10:4 says that his sheep follow him because they know his voice.) And he is never condemning for there is no condemnation in Christ. When condemning thoughts come, they are never from Jesus but they are from the thief who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So I can reject those thoughts and send them to the cross of Jesus for judgment. And then I listen as Jesus gives me the truth about who I am in him. When I do this, I am very strong.
I agree! Thanks for your input on the subject John. In my head, I know my value comes from Christ, but some days, I really forget it.
Well said!! This sums it all up:
“Honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. Her freely giving her body over to my authority is a beautiful act of kindness, grace, and love. How much mutual submission, respect, and love could there be if I had to demand her physical affection? How much trust would I feel if she took me without my consent? What kind of affection would I be able to offer her if she insisted it was her right to take from me?”
Thanks Stu! It’s interesting you pulled that particular quote, because it wasn’t in my outline. It kinda just came out as I was writing! Right from the gut, I suppose. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Great post on a sensitive topic.
I recently did a survey about this passage (need to write that post one day!). One finding was that 57% of respondents agree or agreed strongly with the statement that “my spouse should have sex with me whenever I want.”
Wow, Scott, that’s amazing. Can I ask how you did the study? Was it informal, or are you part of a research firm or something?
PS – read over your “Is It Time to Quit Trying” article and I love the Yoda reference!
Austin – just realized that this comment was misplaced. I meant for it to go in the “Does My Spouse’s Body Belong to Me?” post. Sorry about that!
It wasn’t a scientific survey at all. I keep survey running on my blog all the time, usually around a topic I intend to post about. This was just one of the surveys I ran for a few months concerning the 1 Cor 7 passage. Interesting results.
haha! that’s ok, i didn’t catch it either! i agree, interesting results.
I just want to say thank you so much. Your idea help my husband and I connect on a deeper level! You have such imaginative ideas for couples!
That’s so wonderful to hear Brittany! I’m so thankful you have been able to connect on a deeper level. 😀
I’ll be interested to see your post on mutual respect because that’s how we’ve applied this scripture. He respects how he grabs me because I have some past trauma. So, even though my body is his, his hands are mine. I ask that his hands only touch things in certain situations that won’t trigger bad memories. In turn, I give and receive while taking other things into consideration that are important to him.
Awesome insights Bonny! I know Austin shared with me that he needed to add those concepts into a post at some point. Respect is key in your marriage. I completely understand past abuses and other scenarios that cause us to feel bad when touched a certain way. I am glad you and your husband have communicated those different touches to one another and respect each other! That is certainly something that others struggle with. We’ll be sure to add a follow up article to this one. 😀
I didn’t think about that angle when writing this, Bonny. It’s a good thing to keep in mind though, and it’s a great application of the point I was hoping to make. Thanks for the input!
My congratulations that Austin gets to have a wife of 20 years that looks like she must have got engaged when she was one day old.
We’ve actually only been married for 12. 🙂 we dated for 5 years before we got married, so we’ve been in relationship for a pretty long time. 😀
Thanks so much for linking to my posts. I so enjoy your Weekend Roundups. It’s like going to a nice buffet. 🙂
That’s awesome. 🙂 I hope I put together a great buffet every week.
This is really good! I’ve definitely had weeks where I feel like I am failing at everything. Getting down on myself definitely puts me into the negative cycle you talked about. Speaking positive things to myself and moving on from mistakes is something I’ve been trying to do instead.
I hope that you are not in one of those weeks right now! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
You can cook a pumpkin? How? I know pumpkin pie! I love that!
Here is the post I wrote on how to cook a pumpkin. 🙂 http://youhadmeatrecipes.blogspot.com/2015/10/how-to-cook-pumpkin-and-make-pumpkin.html
Pumpkins are only for eating in my book, too! Yep, holidays can take some figuring out. It took a few years for my husband to understand how important Chinese New Year is to me (I’m not Chinese, but I grew up in Asia)–he only really got it the first time we were living in Asia during CNY and he saw first-hand how big of a deal it is in our community. We just figure traditions out as we go. 🙂
I would have never thought about Chinese New Years! That is a brilliant example of how we have to really listen to our spouse when it comes to traditions and the holidays.
As a mom, it can be harder for me to feel beautiful when I’m so busy taking care of everyone else and don’t have as much time as I did before kids to take care of myself. However, when you’re focused on meeting the needs of others, you have less time for comparisons. So I guess it’s a balance. Funny enough, my post today was about being confident and comfortable in who God created us to be and the difference between how children see themselves and how adults see themselves. Hurray for embracing our beautiful uniqueness!
Yay! Hooray for embracing our own beautiful uniqueness.:) I agree. It can be hard to set aside time to take care of yourself with young kids around. It is a battle I have fought for a long time, but one worth fighting.
Absolutely, completely agree! Kissing is a must. At least it is in my marriage.
My wife and I did pre-marital counseling in which the couple asked about the whole “first kiss at the altar” thing. I said I wasn’t a big believer in that, because kissing is way too important in a marriage to go untested. You need to know if there is chemistry, and kissing is a good, biblical way to find out.
Just my opinion.
I think kissing is a huge part of marriage. Certainly worth investing in. You can’t become a good kisser if you don’t practice. 😀
I LOVE kissing my wife, and have enjoyed that for almost 30 years now. (I met her in December 1985.)
We believe it’s important to kiss and say goodbye whenever we part. We will never know when the last parting will come.
On any given weekday, I wake up hours before Tiffani does. I get ready for work, and then go over and give her a quick snuggle on the bed, and a kiss on her cheek or forehead. Sometimes she knows I’m there, and other times she is fully asleep. But I would never trade that moment for anything – it doesn’t matter how much of a hurry I may be in. SHE is too important to me.
Good answer to the question in your post!
Thanks so much Jason. I am so glad to hear of other couples that make it such an important part of their marriage.
I feel all pouty now. Sometimes the bachelor life is good. Sometimes it is not.
Awe….one day it will happen for you if you want it to. Keep your head up!
I always kiss my husband good night. Most nights I go to bed before him
That is a great thing to do before bed. 🙂
We work at home …and kiss everyday throughout day
That is so awesome! I’m glad you get to do that.
Good post, Austin! I think you’ve pretty well nailed the list, but… (don’t ya love those ‘buts’?) 😉
Having walked through this firsthand in our marriage, and knowing what the entire process looks like from the inside, I would put forgiveness literally in between each and every one of the other items. As those ugly memories keep assaulting you day after day (and sometimes minute by minute), one learns really quick how to KEEP forgiving over and over until eventually it becomes a non-issue. While you’re in the thick of it all, and the emotions are running at extreme levels, one day you can feel like “I’ve got this whipped, I’m gonna be ok”, and the very next day you’re ready to hunt down the spouse’s affair partner and re-create a Picasso painting using their facial features. It really does swing from one extreme to the other, but as with all pendulums, as you and your spouse keep working on all the other items on the list, the pendulum swings get slower and shorter each time. Eventually you’ll find it at a complete standstill. That day is a WONDERFUL day, believe me.
Thanks for adding your voice to this topic, I really appreciate it!
Wow, great point, Jason! Thanks for the first-hand input. I admit I was writing theoretically, not from experience, so I really appreciate the perspective. I think you’re dead on. I think adding forgiveness as a daily process holds true for any conflict, and especially this situation. You have that first conscious decision to forgive, and then remind yourself everyday to keep forgiving them.
Glad to have the feedback!
Great post! Mr. Iknead and I have been married for 36(!) years and we’re still surprised sometimes regarding each others holiday traditions!
I know! You would think you would have it figured out at some point. 🙂
Very cute! I love the idea of matching our costumes as a couple.
We generally do try to go with a theme, it doesn’t always work though.
I think kissing is important. But there are so many kinds of kisses out there. I think there needs to be more different kinds of kisses. More passionate and making out when kids aren’t around and the simple kisses when kids are around. Variety to spice it up and keep the romance alive.
Agreed Emily! Explore all the different types of kisses there are. 🙂
We didn’t hit this problem until we had our first child. We did a lot of research on the root each holiday (where did it come from, why this or that is done) and adjusted them and made some new family traditions. I was surprised by what we learned and how we go with the flow or try to justify what we are doing. Everyone lives by different convictions, but we all have the same Creator who sent us Jesus. 🙂 One of our biggest challenges were birthdays and cards. His family often forgot his birthday. Sometimes he would get a cake. Where as my family made sure we had a cake (homemade or store bought for an occassional party -I had two), speacial dinner with my grandparents coming over, and gifts. We decided not to go with the other siblings -huge party every year- but rather have a speacial dinner with our family and cake and a gift or two. Now that we are away from our parents, we go to the restraunt of their choice.
Yeah, we did the same thing for birthdays growing up. Mom would let us have our choice of meal and she would decorate the cake however we wanted. My husband didn’t do much in the way of birthday celebrations. We basically adopted our own.
Great ideas! Thanks for linking up to Home Matters Party. #HomeMattersParty http://cu-rio.net/home-matters-linky-party-59/
Thanks so much for stopping by!
It was interesting to read how something as small and unimportant (to me) as a pumpkin could become an issue or something to be stubborn about. No doubt there is something in my life that I think is important, but that would seem minor to someone else. It’s interesting how deeply those family traditions can get embedded in the psyche.
So true, it is the little things about people that make them who they are.
This seemed like such an odd question. I wonder if there is something else going on that the reader didn’t say. Maybe the spouse has bad breath?
Very true. Some people have underlying reasons that they do not really share.
Kissing goodbye, kissing hello, kissing good morning, kissing good night – this is extremely important habit. When I was in relationship and I didn’t get a kiss, I thought something was wrong. Nothing was, really. Some people just didn’t develope this habit. They should, though. It’s very enjoyable!
I agree, kissing is very enjoyable!
Good concise post on the why’s of marriage! Truly, God is whom we are reflecting in marriage!
So true! Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Very nice article!! I hate to ask my husband every night for a good night kiss.. I think I give up. I have 3 daughters to kiss every night???
Awe I am sorry. So hard to not be able to communicate to our spouse’s our needs. I’m glad you have great daughters to kiss.
I LOVE this idea, creating a game together will bring you closer and sounds like so much fun 🙂 Thanks for the printables!
I hope you enjoy Claire. 🙂
Damn…. I’m single 🙂 I would like the reward for the best pickup line though 😀
It’s a good idea to have something fun in relationship. Because we tend to fall in a routine and get bored. Relationship without great activities is like a sea without salt
I love how you say relationship without great activities is like sea without salt. 😀
GREAT idea, I love this! ~ Sammy @ http://www.bargainbaglady.com {xx}
You’re welcome. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by
Very cool! Thanks for the fun ideas.
You are welcomed. Thanks for stopping by 🙂
This is an adorable idea!! I’m not in a relationship but I will pin for when I am :))
yeah, relationships are required for this one. 😀
Thank you for sharing my Date Night Questions 🙂 Appreciate it so much!
You are welcomed Tammy. 🙂
The really great thing about these bedroom games is they remind long-married couples that sex is about having fun too.
I think it is so helpful to be given foreplay moves so you don’t have to think about it.
Wow, Keelie. There’s about a years-supply of ideas here with all the links. Good job on a lot of work. I like the sexy picture dare because both are actively involved and there is a subtle power exchange that can take place as one photographs the other.
Thanks Dan. 🙂 That was the goal to give a lot of ideas.
So sad. I tried this idea. I told my husband I had a “costume” for his eyes only. He acted excited this afternoon. But, alas, he fell asleep on the couch around 7:30, like usual, and is snoring away. Work wins again. Oh well. Maybe next year.
Don’t give up hope! Try again another night with your costume. The same thing happened to my husband and I. I wanted to have an after party with him, but we were both exhausted after running trunks for a trunk or treat and taking the kids all around the neighborhood. Then we had so many things to do once we got home. We are going to have a rain check on the “after party”. I hope you will try again, too!
Hi Keelie, thanks for the encouragement. I guess I could try again next year.
Every time I try to do something bold and sexy it goes wrong. At least your husband and you were both tired from doing something fun together. My husband is tired because work takes precedence and I think he sleeps to avoid me. He could stay awake if there was a job at work that needed doing. I bought something sexy for Christmas Eve – he fell asleep before the kids did. I tried again and bought another piece of lingerie for his birthday – that one I put on – but he was too stressed and tired to react the way I had hoped. Then he felt super bad when I changed back into regular clothes and told him to just forget about it. Well, he acted like he felt bad, but I’m pretty sure he’s just tying to guilt trip me. It took me a looooong time to get over that one, and I finally started believing him again that he loves me and is still attracted to me, but Halloween just proved that he could care less about me, my feelings, or our sex life. If he cared, he would have asked to see my costume another day. He’s just acting like he doesn’t even remember. But he never forgets anything about work! Work is his life, his true love. I just live here.
That is sooooo hard to deal with! I am so sorry for you. 🙁 My heart breaks for those that have stories just like you. I think that J over at Hot Holy Humorous would have a lot of great articles for you. She talks all the time about women that have husbands with a low sex drive or dealing with similar issues to you. You are not alone! Lots of other women have stories just like yours. I’m going to send you some great resources through email! Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. I appreciate you reading along.
Love this concept! I need to look into this Money Making Mom!
You should! I love Crystal Paine and she has really given me a lot of helps over the years.
This was a great post. I will kiss my husband more after reading! You gave some great points to think about.
That is great! Kissing is so important. 🙂
Very well written, my wife and I are going on 20yrs, I guess we are doing something right. Joe @ http://www.mydaddoes.com
I would say that you are Joe!
I love cauliflower. Definitely want to try this, thanks for sharing!
It’s really good. 🙂
Your site is great and has much good information. Thanks for sharing your journey on how you reached here.
Thank you so much for saying that. 🙂
I am making a whole turkey for the first time this year! I am pinning this for later use!
Good luck! My turkey always turns out great. 🙂
Really good post ! It’s a keeper ! Keep up the good work !
Thanks so much#
This is great!! I participated once in the Operation Christmas Child and it’s a great and wonderful experience. Thanks for sharing. Great post!!
wonderful to hear. Hope you will find something you can give to this year!
I completely agree with this! .. Right now I go every two weeks shopping, but even then if we run out of milk we have to find other alternatives. My hubby sometimes complains there isn’t any food 😉 But really, the quick meals are gone so it take more effort !
Yes, my kids complain when the milk runs out. So, we have come up with plenty of alternatives…sometimes, the alternative is just water and that is ok.
When both spouses strive to be completely hidden in Christ, respect and honor is easy. Of course, I know we are human and we mess up, that’s when grace and compassion, as you said, come into play. Thanks for this article.
I’m with ya, Bonny! When we do it the right way, in theory, it’s easy and wonderful. It’s when we do that whole “being human” thing that messes us up! 🙂
Thanks for the input.
Very imaginative, as always!
hahaha…that is good to hear. 🙂 I just realized I have a few bedroom games I haven’t taken time to release yet. I will have to do that soon! None of them use mirrors though. Wonder if I should put together a game that uses mirrors. hmmmm.
Great post! My wife and I just had this conversation! Thanksgiving needs to be a “Heart Condition” all year long, and not a once a year event. True thankfulness completely changes your outlook on life on a daily basis! Thank you for your time in this blog.
Dave
You are welcomed Dave! I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way about being thankful. Thanks for taking the time to connect with me. 🙂
Upon first reading your post, I disagreed with moving “love” to the top of the list. Speaking from experience (sadly), loving feelings return much later. I see your point about love being an action, not a feeling, and I agree.
My steps of affair recovery would read :
1. Commitment (to the relationship and the process)
2. Patience (with myself and him)
3. Hope (that good will come from the mess)
4. Understanding (of his feelings and my own) which could also be described as Respect.
5. Forgiveness
I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that. 🙁 It is so hard to re-build after trust has been broken. When you look at love as an action and not just an emotion, it makes a difference. I think in your process, you showed love, but probably didn’t feel good things towards your spouse.
Thank you for sharing your process. It is so helpful to hear how others have dealt with infidelity in their marriage.
It’s always a nice surprise when you can find coupons for books!
I agree! This one is awesome because it is off of any books
these look interesting. Have you read Love and Respect? We’ve been working our way through that book and it’s been really eye opening! I think one advantage to reading a marriage book together is that it gets you talking. And open communication is so very important to good teamwork in marriage.
No, I haven’t read it, or heard of it. Who is the author? I would love to check it out.
This is so true! Sometimes we need a “time-out” and going to bed can be the perfect way to take a break from the fight and prevent things from escalating. Great post!
Thanks so much for saying that Carlie. 🙂 I’m glad you stopped by.
Something that I’ve said since I was a teenager, if not younger is that I’ll never use the phrase, “Because I’m the parent and I said so!” with my children. Besides (or possibly because) my parents using the phrase to my annoyance occasionally, I think that kids are more likely to obey a rule if they understand the reasoning behind it.
I haven’t had the chance to go back on this one yet, since my wife and I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet.
It really is helpful to explain to your kids if they can understand your reasoning. I know that we always try to explain it to our kids first, but then there comes a point where we do have to tell them, “because I said so”. I have some strong willed kids. 😀 I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling in getting pregnant. I hope that will change for you.
Good for you! We absolutely need to stand up against the rise of porn in our culture.
Once upon a time, you had to actively seek porn, but these days you have to actively avoid it because it’s everywhere. And it’s taking a toll on us as individuals, couples, and society. Thanks for speaking up, Keelie!
Thanks so much for saying that J. It can be hard to stand up against what’s becoming the norm.
yeah, i still don’t get the 24-hour thing, but Katch.me makes it workable in my mind! 😉
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
Love the scripture 🙂
More and more research is coming out that shows just how damaging it is, all religious convictions aside. It is my prayer that porn will become like cigarettes, that as we discover what a cancer porn fuels, it will become gross and unacceptable. There will still be a few addicts here and there, but at least in my state, it is pretty much illegal to smoke anywhere indoors. You now have to go out of you way and be highly inconvenienced to feed that addiction. I hope porn becomes the same. And similar to smoking, it was the science that ultimately made it unpopular. Scripture is clearly against addiction, so I love it when science confirms what we as Christians already know to be true. Great post!
So true. I hope it’ll stop being acceptable, but I don’t know if it will. It’s one of these subjects I think we’ve avoided. We can’t avoid it now though.
Congrats again on your innovative suggestions for a very relevant topic. You always tastefully fill in so many practical details for married couples and we appreciate that!
Thank you so much!
Wonderful tips and ideas .. Breaking the ice is always difficult
so true Robb. It can be hard if you don’t feel connected to your spouse.
Keelie,
Honoured to make your list.
I especially like this list because you run/read in slightly different circles than we do and there are some great blogs here I don’t promote often enough.
You are welcomed!
Thanks so much, Keelie, for mentioning our blogs. Bless you for your ongoing work in encouraging couples.
thank you for saying that 🙂
I could not agree more! These are people I would love to meet one day and just hang out with a cup of coffee.
I would be like a sponge and just soak things up.
Me too Stuart! Wouldn’t it be fun if there was a marriage blogger meet up one day. 😀
Now that WOULD be awesome!
Thanks so much, Keelie. I am honored for you to mention me, and honored to be among this outstanding group.
I’m happy to share your work. 🙂
Love this pic! Merry Christmas, y’all.
thanks so much J!
Thank you for praying. Spouse and I need more togetherness.
I hope that God will move in your marriage.
Hi Keelie! Happy New Year! I’ve tried to make sex a priority, but it’s just not that important to my husband. 🙂 Being the higher drive spouse stinks! The lower drive spouse ALWAYS gets their way. And being a higher drive wife stinks double, because not only do you not get your needs met by the man you love, you realize you’re not as loveable or attractive as the wives who have husbands that pursue them.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I enjoy sex with my husband so much. We do it about once a week, which I understand might sound like a lot to some men (the ones who have higher drives than their wives). But after a couple days, I start to go crazy. I feel like I repulse him. He keeps saying “why didn’t you tell me you were feeling that way?” But we’ve been down that road and I will not beg him for sex. I’d rather him actually desire me as opposed to “give in”.
Anyhow, you posted “The number of times you have sex in a week is going to depend on you and your spouse. Have the conversation with your lover about whether or not the frequency of your love making is working for you.” And I just wanted to point out that the lower drive spouse controls EVERYTHING, including the self worth of the HDS. We’ve had the conversation, and sometimes he acts sad that I feel the way I do. But obviously he’s happy with the way things are. I think he feels special because he “forces” himself to be with me once a week. The annoying thing is he talks like he’s into me, and like he’s more attracted to me than he is anyone else, but his actions scream louder than his words.
I’m starting to hate sex. I spend more time trying to turn myself off, trying to NOT want my husband, trying to squash my own desire for him so I don’t have to feel like an oversexed loser. It’s exhausting!
Yes, you are right, the lower drive spouse often ends up determining the frequency of sex. There are some awesome bloggers out there that write about being a higher drive wife and the things that have helped them. Here are a few posts from J at Hot Holy Humorous
http://hotholyhumorous.com/2015/01/confessions-of-a-higher-drive-spouse/
http://hotholyhumorous.com/2015/04/3-things-higher-drive-spouses-long-for/
http://hotholyhumorous.com/2013/04/i-am-the-higher-drive-spouse-or-yes-rejection-hurts/
Sheila over at To Love Honor and Vacuum brought on a guest poster that wrote about being a high drive wife:
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/12/higher-sex-drive-spouse/
Here is an article that addresses some of the reasons that men deal with a low sex drive:
http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/25771/~/wife-frustrated-with-and-hurt-over-husband%E2%80%99s-low-sex-drive
I hope some of these writers will help you. There are a lot of higher drive wives out there that struggle to get their husbands on the same page with them. In a lot of marriages, one person will have a higher drive then the other person and it will flip flop over the years.
It sounds like you want sex to be a priority, but your spouse doesn’t. The situation you are in is hard for both you and your spouse. He likely struggles to say no to you and you struggle to be told no, as all of us would be. Rejection in marriage comes in many forms, and none of those rejections go over well.
This year, you can work towards finding ways to meet your spouse’s needs. I’m not saying to never ask to have your needs met, or to ask for sex. It will help the intimacy in your marriage (which is way more then just sex) if you will talk with him and find out what you can do to be a better wife for him. It will make way for you to have the conversations with him of how he can be a better husband.
I know it is exhausting to work so hard to get yourself out of the mood and not feel turned on. I hate that you guys are in this position.
See if he will see a doctor could be low hormone’s or other imbalances
That might be a good idea if he will go.
Hi Keelie,
Thanks for your reply. Thank you Kathy, I don’t think its a medical thing, and he hasn’t been to a doctor in ten years. I’d have to literally drag him there. I think he’s just not that into me.
What’s even more frustrating is, like today, he came home from work and he was acting lovey and huggy and I was like “please stop. I just got myself all calmed down and I do not want to get wound up again for no reason.” He doesn’t even realize that I’ve wanted to be with him for three days and nothing! That I’ve been walking around all wound up and it’s torture! When I finally squash those desires, the last thing I want to do is fire them up again. And he gets all sad. And then he is just quiet the rest of the day, like I did something wrong. I’m not the one who thinks I’m repulsive, he is! He says he feels bad that I feel so badly about myself. But wouldn’t any woman who had a husband that wasn’t very interested? Especially If she, like me, were really interested in him? I wish I could hate sex. I wish I were the low drive spouse. I wish I was a normal woman who could take or leave it. I’ve thought about visiting the low drive wife blogs and asking them what I can do to turn off my desires for my husband. But I’m afraid of offending them. And just like every night, I’m sitting here reading this and feeling ugly, inside and out, while he’s sleeping peacefully. What a way to celebrate New Years Eve.
A lot of times I think he just should have married a sweeter, prettier, low sex drive woman. He’d be so much happier.
I’m so sorry you’re in this spot. It’s hard to be where you are. I know you’re disappointed and it’s so easy to think his lack of desire had to do with you. The truth is, a low drive sex drive in a person doesn’t normally have much to do with the other person. His lack of drive has to do with him more than you. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it feels like it’s something wrong with you or something you are lacking. Really, though, his lack of drive isn’t your fault. I’m sorry for you to deal with this. :/
Keelie,
Thanks so much for the link up. It’s good to see other marriage bloggers making a difference in our culture’s view of marriage. It’s not easy, but no relationship will thrive without intentional pursuit by husband and wife to grow and change.
May your new year be full of God’s blessings,
Debi
You are welcomed Debi! Love your questions. 🙂
Do you ever have family meetings, with your husband and kids? We’ve started doing this every 1-2 months, and it has been awesome. We review everyone’s goals and talk about what’s coming up for our family. It’s pretty simple, but it helps keep us intentional.
Well, we have meetings with one another as a couple. I wouldn’t say we have too many meetings with the kids per say. My oldest is 10. So, the only thing we talk about with the boys is how their school projects are coming and what they need help with. Our discussion time is during dinner and we are pretty intentional with them at that point.
Thank you for this article. I am not married but currently in a long term relationship. I love him so much but my sex drive has plummeted over the past 2 years (together over 4 years). I feel so guilty. I’ve come to the realization that there is no manual I can give him about how to turn me on and that its going to take more effort from myself to get in the sheets.
Wow… Rene’ that is so hard. Many women feel the way you do. Your sex drive can be affected by so many different things. It could be hormones, a mental barrier you need to deal with, or just a stage in your life where you feel very tired. Either way, I think you are right, you have to make the effort. Don’t forget, that sexual intimacy is as much for you as it is for your significant other. I will tell you that I hold the belief that sex is for those that are married, and I realize that you are not. All of my posts will be from the perspective of a married individual, so I am not sure how that will translate for someone who is not in a marriage, but a long-term relationship like you are. Thanks for reading along with me. I really appreciate it. I hope that you will consider talking with your doctor about your sex drive. It might be something they can assist you with.
Hi Keelie! I wrote a long comment today and then my device froze. Grrr! So I’m gonna try again…
I thought I’d read on here about asking your spouse “what can I do to be a better wife in 2016?” But I can’t find the post so I’m commenting here. Anyhow… I did ask my husband and he said “communicate more.” Huh? A guy that wants more communication? Sometimes I really think he and I are backwards.
Anyhow, I’ve always been the initiator sexually. When I started reading marriage blogs a few years ago, I realized this was really abnormal. Most wives have husbands that can’t keep their hands to themselves and beg them for sex. I was sad to learn I had been such a fool. So I stopped. My husband was going through a rough patch, and so his lack of desire coupled with what I was reading showed me that I was far uglier and repulsive to him than I ever knew. (Now he says that is not true at all, that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful, blah, blah…. But his lack of interest told me the truth.)
Okay so fast forward to now, and things in our marriage are starting to improve. We still do not have sex anywhere near as often as I’d like. He seems to be satisfied with once a week. I wish I wasn’t so attracted to him, or that he was more attracted to me, but that’s beside the point. So the other morning he wakes me up and gives me a hug, and I decide to go for it, and I start kissing him back. I decide to get over my fear, be vulnerable again, and I sent him every signal, I could not have been more obvious. (How this extremely intelligent man can be hit in the face with hints galore and miss every one is beyond me. It’s actually mind boggling.) So I’m nuzzling up to him and he stands up and says “I’m going to get coffee. Would you like coffee?” OUCH! Shot down AGAIN! HARSH!!
So I rolled over, and while he was gone and I was telling myself how stupid I was, and how repulsive I must be to him, and promising myself never to initiate again, and I really should just wear a shirt that says “REJECT” or “TOO UGLY TO LOVE”, I am generally feeling sorry for myself. But it was time to get up for church so I got up and got ready.
Well, later that day I remembered his comment about “communicating more.” So I went ahead and told him “I felt really rejected this morning and it hurt.” And he’s all like “what are you talking about?” And I said “when I was coming on to you and you shot me down and went to get coffee.” And he says “you didn’t come on to me. I tried coming on to you and you weren’t interested.” I was like “that is so NOT true! I came on to you and you wanted no parts of me.” Now I’m getting mad because I think he’s just saying whatever to try to get out of the fact that he has no interest in me. Why does he do this? What is so wrong with me that I am the one woman on earth who has to constantly pursue her husband? I just wish once, I could know what it’s like to actually have someone desire you. (The husband I love, I mean.) And if he’s telling the truth, how can he be so completely clueless that I was the one coming on to him? And he should know by now that I don’t turn him down, so where’d he get that wrong idea? My husband is no dummy, he is very smart and excellent at reading people. All except me, apparently. So that’s why I don’t believe he misses hints or misunderstands, I think he just uses that as an excuse to reject me. And if I’m so repulsive to him, why does he act like he cares if my feelings get hurt? It’s SO FRUSTRATING!
Anyhow, thanks for listening. At least I communicated with him like he asked. I guess that’s one positive.
Oh man…what a tough spot you are in! Here is the post you were asking about for sexual resolutions or how to be a better lover. https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/make-goals-to-be-a-better-lover-for-your-spouse/
As far as you being a higher drive wife…sweety you are not alone. Check out J over at Hot Holy Humorous. http://hotholyhumorous.com/ She writes as a woman who’s the higher drive.
It is sooooo hard to be rejected in any way by our spouse, whether sexual or otherwise. I know how hard it is on you.
As far as your husband is concerned, I’m not there, so I can’t possibly make a judgement call. I will say that unless you say the words, “I want to have sex right this minute”, then he very well may be misinterpreting what you want from him. I remember the times I would put the moves on Austin and he wasn’t sure if I was or not. Both of us decided that instead of trying to give each other the signal…we would just say the words, “let’s have sex”. I found that to really help us.
Don’t give up hope on your sex life or your husband. It takes years and years and years to build a great sex life….
I would encourage you to continue to communicating with him. Go slow, and don’t attack. Just keep sharing your feelings with him. It is going to take a long time, years even, for him to understand what you need sexually. The other thing is, your sexual needs will change, and so will his.
You aren’t alone in this. There are many couples out there dealing with the same issues as you. Keep working at it, don’t give up hope.
I enjoyed reading your post on MSM! 🙂 Blessings!
Thanks Tasha! I really appreciate you saying that. 🙂
I’ve also used words during sex like, “Ouch. Move, please.” Lol.
I agree entirely that you have to be willing to communicate. There are also many ways you can essentially say, “Can we have sex?” — and we definitely employ that perspective to make sure we’re on the same page. It also helps in case one of us is willing but not mentally there yet…so we can start the anticipation and build-up.
Sex is marriage is definitely not like in the movies. It’s better! But it does take going through some awkward moments to reach that point.
Yes, getting through the awkward moments is important but gives you something to laugh at. 😀
Thanks so much for sharing Aminda!
I agree completely that verbalizing before, during and after a physcial encounter is very important. Especially because this is such a vulnerable and difficult area for so many to talk about, it’s also important to realize that how you say it is just as important as what you say.
One suggestion I would have is that rather than asking, “can we?” or “do you want to?” it might be better to state your desire. Something like, “I really want you, and I’d love it if we could make love tonight.” Maybe it’s just me but the idea of stating your desire instead of asking “permission” is a better way to approach it. I’m interested ot see if others agree.
Those are some great points Scot! I am glad you brought it up. Every couple does need to figure out how to communicate in a way that will appeal to their spouse. I’m so blunt and direct that me asking, “Hey you want to?” Or “Are we going to?” has worked in our marriage. I like your ideas of how to initiate in a way that is less blunt, but still direct. 😀 I’m not so good at that.
Yes, I would like to know how others clearly communicate it with their spouse also!
Linked to your post here.
Pray TOGETHER… regularly – daily if possible.
Love the tip Jason. 🙂
If you’re marrying your best friend, there’s not a whole lot worth fighting about.
Thanks for sharing. 🙂 I appreciate it.
Never go to bed angry or with unresolved issues.
Thanks for sharing!
My best marriage tip: Daily live out the biblical prescription for love in action.
This sounds like a great book! I need to put it on my (rather large) reading list.
I know right J? I have tons of books waiting to be read. 😀
Great read Keelie! Reduce waste and fertilize a garden really a nice idea. We all prepare monthly budget and follow that to save few pennies. As we know how to fridge extra food, we also have to know how to recycle our kitchen waste. By the way we are also wastage manager of our own kitchen 🙂
that is great to hear Tina. 🙂
when the question (from either spouse) is, ‘do ya wanna?’ ; ) let your answer be ‘yes’ unless you physically can’t. You’ll both feel loved and desired by not being turned down and by connecting again.
I love that Rachel! Great advice
I totally agree with that!
Wow. As a marriage blogger, I always feel a little bad that I don’t adore Valentine’s Day like I should. Spock and I barely celebrate it, but I do think it’s a nice idea to set aside time to celebrate love. Your decorations are wonderful! Enjoy the day thoroughly. 🙂
I just love the idea of celebrating love. 🙂
I just took down my Christmas tree, so… yeah 🙂
I know some people will hate me. 😀 I love Valentine’s decorations. I can’t help it!
Some excellent advice there. Be nice to your spouse. Such a simple thing, but has such impact. I find that being especially sweet to my husband pays big dividends. He feels loved…and is more willing to do things with and for me.
What a lovely post.
Agreed, when you are nice, it works out well for both of you. 🙂
Comparison is a no no if you want anything to work out well for you. At times, you can learn from others. But too often when we compare ourselves to others (especially those doing better than us) we start ignoring all the positive things we have, and that’s a slippery road…
So true. You are right on.
I have been living with my boyfriend and I one thing I have learned is being nice to each other. I works perfectly when we both nice to each other ?
completely agree! Being nice is key. 🙂
This is such a great post, SO true!
Thanks for saying that Jessica 🙂
These 3 issues are the issues on which every other fight stems from! You really hit the nail on the head!
Thanks so much. 🙂
Ugh. Communication is one of our biggest issues, but we’re working on it. I don’t like asking for anything. Gifts, needs, anything. Until very recently, I’ve been the initiator most of our marriage. When I started to believe most of the time we made love he was giving me “pity sex” I stopped asking altogether. We’ve discussed this, and he would like me to tell him when I’m in the mood, but I’m so afraid to go back there. I figure if he wants romance, he will let me know. If I have to ask for it, then he will just give in and do it because he wants me to be happy. But I don’t want him to make love to me because he feels obligated to, I want him to want to. And how will I know if he ever wants to, if I’m the one who has to keep asking?
By the way, since I’ve stopped bringing it up, our sex life has slowed down. It always slows down until I can’t stand it anymore and I finally say something. But I don’t want it to be that way! It really makes me feel like he’s not in love with me, but fulfilling some obligation.
I wouldn’t mind so much telling him when I’m feeling romantic, if he would do the same. But he doesn’t, and so I don’t either. So often nothing happens, and that proves my theory that he’s just not that into me. 🙁
So I think this is great advice for women who know their husbands desire them, but not so much for those of us who are tired being given “pity sex”.
That is such a tough place to be in! There are many women that have a higher sex drive then their husbands and they have the same feelings as you. Most higher drive spouses struggle with similar feelings. You can check out some of the advice that J over at http://hotholyhumorous.com/ gives. She is a higher drive spouse and shares her journey.
You can check out this post http://www.oysterbed7.com/for-high-drive-wives-when-your-sexuality-seems-out-of-control/ as it was written for higher drive women. You can also check out this post http://www.oysterbed7.com/high-drive-wife-asks-im-not-supposed-to-love-sex-right/.
Being in your place is very hard. I know how you feel about not wanting pity sex, but I do encourage you to keep initiating and keep pursuing your husband. If he is willing to be with you sexually, you might consider being with him. Just because he doesn’t initiate doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy time with you or want it. I think it can be hard to initiate for a lower drive spouse. They will gladly take part in the physical time, but really stink at asking for it.
I hope that you and your husband can find ways to be intimate and grow together.
Hi Keelie, thank you for the links. I have been blessed by both of those blogs. I’m really touched that Bonny has been addressing this on her blog, since she mainly deals with the opposite problem.
It is hard. It’s even harder because I’m pretty sure my husband does love me. It’s just hard that he’s not attracted to me. Or at least it sure feels that way. I know it seems like it’s hard for the low drive spouse to initiate, but do they know how painful that is for their spouse? It’s just a crappy feeling to know your husband isn’t really all that interested in you. especially when everything else you read is about husbands who can’t get enough and why their wives should oblige. That’s just not true in my marriage and I wish I knew why. I’ve offered to change everything I can about my appearance, but that upsets him. I don’t think he understands how badly I feel. Or he just doesn’t care.
Thank you for listening. I know I complain way too much. This year I need to pray more and focus on the things that are good. There is a lot of good.
I enjoy your posts. Sometimes I just wish the romance part wasn’t all on me. I’m so sorry but I HATE Valentines Day. Just another day to either have to beg for a flower, or be crushed that I’m not worth the time. I don’t think you should have to ask for gifts, nor is it polite. I wish my husband would just think enough of me to stop and get a flower – just one measly flower – it could be a carnation, whatever, I don’t care! It’s the thought that would matter. He will probably give me some cheesy, mass produced, poorly written greeting card that means nothing. Words are his language but definitely NOT mine!
Oh well. Thanks for listening to me vent. He is a good man and he does provide a good life for us. I just wish he’d ask me to provide more in the bedroom. 🙂
It really is hard for you. I’m so sorry that you are in that place
“WHAT IF I BLESS THEM AND THEY DON’T BLESS ME BACK?”
an understandable question, yet it comes from the wrong place mentally. go in thinking of your action as a gift (blessing!) to your spouse. then it’s not scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-yours, but a true gift. this will be a stretch, but your spouse is worth it! 🙂
I agree. 🙂
We do not celebrate Valentines Day, we celebrate my husband’s birthday. M’eh I knew this going into the relationship so I knew it would always be his day. Thanks for sharing on the #HomeMattersParty – I hope you will join us, next week.
Hey, you’re still celebrating him which is why I love any holiday that helps me put my focus on my husband. 🙂
These are great points, Keelie. I’ve been thinking a lot about busyness lately, because I think it is harming many marriages and families.
I think it really is a problem Gaye. People think they are supposed to be doing things non stop.
Great post, Keelie! Hmmm… Need to have this conversation with the hubs. 🙂
I hope it goes well and you come up with something. 🙂
I would say read the Bible together each night before bed (as often as you can, anyway). We have so been enjoying doing this since the beginning of the year, and have had great discussions! 🙂
That is awesome. 🙂 I’m glad you guys are having bible study.
Great post! I really think it’s important to try to “grow” sexually and try things outside your comfort zone. You never know what you might end up liking.
If your spouse blesses you in this way, make sure to thank them and be grateful! Tell him/her how awesome it was and how much it means to you.
I’ve got a whole series of things you can do to be a better lover! This is definitely one that won’t be easy. It is always good to stretch ourselves.
Most people are way too busy, especially people with kids. If our kids aren’t super busy, they’ll never get into a good college, etc….
1 Timothy 6:6-10
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and[a] we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.
We try to not be too busy. When we get too busy, we feel it in our relationship
Can you please give some examples of the “deeper conversations that fill your heart…” that you refer to in the last chapter?
Thank you
Hey there Lara, I have some articles on the site that you can check out that has conversation starters.
https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/12-days-of-christmas-10-conversation-starters/
and https://lovehopeadventure.com/gift-ideas/conversation-starters-for-dates/.
Hope some of these conversation starters will help you have some deep and meaningful talks. 🙂
Thank you.
This is quite useful for me, as I build my relationship
thanks so much Lara.
Thank you very much
Your welcome
Looks like a fun game, except for beefstick breath 😉
I’ll be honest, the beef stick breath (whatever that is) won’t even be a thing if you play the game. 🙂 Just go with what you like to eat.
hello dear i like you
Thanks for reading along.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so grateful. It makes my heart soar to know that couples are using it and finding it helpful in their marriage!
Thanks for sharing with me Tammy! 🙂
It looks lovely! Good job!
Thanks so much 🙂
Thank you for sharing these great tips for a special Valentine’s Day at #HomeMattersParty hope you will link up again!
Love being a part. 🙂
Great advice!! I think kindness and understanding go a long way in marriage. Our first year was tough as we weeded out selfishness and priorities, but I’m thankful for a Godly spouse and marriage that is a blessing! Date night tonight! 😀
that is so wonderful!
I made list!!! Woohoo! Super duper honored, Keelie! 🙂
You are so welcomed Stacy. 🙂
Isn’t the blogging community amazing? I love connecting with like-minded creatives like yourself. I need to check out periscope. I’m a little late to the party!
Periscope is really great. I like it a lot
Ooh, sounds like sexy fun!
It is! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Thanks so much for the shoutout, Keelie! 🙂
Loved the article. 🙂
I follow this list too, Keelie! Also, I’ve enjoyed following along with your blog more recently. I remember seeing your blog a while back from a group or something but now I’m happy to have networked even more with you. 🙂
I think that is great Kelly! I’m glad we connected. 🙂
Keelie, you are SO sweet, and i am SO honored to be on this list!! I know I can learn a LOT from you about marriage!! I can’t wait to meet soon!
Same here Erin! We must firm up the plans of where to meet at the end of the month! I can’t wait to see you guys.
I’m jealous you got to hold Mr. Piffles! 🙂 Looks like you had a great time. Happy Valentine’s Day Keelie and Austin!!
Yes, holding Mr. Piffles was great. 🙂 He is a sweet little dog. At one point during the show, he was barking to get down and eat the food that was on the stage. Too cute!
Make the most of your sexuality, you only live once. Linked to your post.
That is great! Thanks El Fury. 🙂
Also, FYI, I registered for your site but there’s no way to sign in so that CommentLuv works properly 🙂
Hmmmm….I don’t know what that means. 🙂 Email me at lovehopeadventure.com@gmail.com and I’ll see what I can do. I will probably have to enlist the help of my techy friends.
Hey Keelie! Thank you for permission to just let it go. I think it’s great that you love the holiday, but I don’t like most holidays. Neither does my husband. We are trying to change that. We both come from non-Christian homes, where love and affection was not really shown, so we are learning together. We don’t hold ill will towards our parents, they weren’t shown love either and I believe they just didn’t know any better.
I’ll admit I envy you when you talk about the things your mom taught you, how she built your confidence. What a blessing! And your childhood Valentines memories, how sweet!
Our holidays typically consist of relatives on either side of the family having forced get togethers and fighting. Ugh! We are trying to make things better for our children by just “popping in” on holidays and avoiding most of the chaos.
I am a work in progress. I used to never express my needs, and just feel neglected when my husband didn’t make me feel loved. Thankfully I’m slowly learning it’s not his job to make me happy. I went too far the other was and instead of having low expectations, I expected to feel nothing but worthless and unimportant. Its a self-defense thing. But we are growing (slowly) and so now I still don’t have big expectations, as I said my husband does not come from an affectionate family, but I’m not going to be negative. I’m going to try to accept that he loves me, I’m going to try really hard to believe that, and just rest.
Great post!
I completely understand B! I was adopted, and there is much brokenness and dysfunction in my natural family. I was so blessed to have people adopt me from that terrible situation. My husband, Austin, comes from a broken family also. Holidays were hard for him growing up. We’ve just gotten to the point where we don’t even pop in on the holidays and make plans to visit on other days. It is ok if holidays are hard, just celebrate all the other times of the year together. That is what we’ve chosen to do in the month of December. We keep everything low stress and we just rejoice in our other times of the year together. You’re not the only one that deals with holiday baggage my friend. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have any baggage for my husband, so it is actually one of the reasons I love it so much. There isn’t unrealistic expectations around this day, so we can just love each other.
I am so glad that you are breaking away from what you grew up with and learning to be a healthier family. Keep going that way.
Hi Keelie,
Thanks for talking about this. I’m re-thinking going outside of my comfort zone. I found the article on Marriage4:29 upsetting and encouraging. It’s great that the author was able to feel so good about herself. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there.
I had a bad experience where I had decided to do basically what she did (although my confidence was lower). I did plan and practice and was ready to surprise my husband. Sadly, through discussion I found out he had had a “professional” personal dance before we were married, yet still dating. I was crushed. I think I’ve forgiven him, as he was so young, unmarried, and unsaved. But it was very upsetting to me because I had thought it would be a special thing between us. However, I cannot and will not, compete with a professional.
My husband claims to feel sad about this. He feels like he’s paying for a stupid mistake he made long ago, as an unsaved young man. I’m not trying to make him pay, but I cannot bring myself to be that vulnerable, not when he already shared what was supposed to be a romantic and sexy and very special moment with a woman who I am sure was MUCH hotter than I could ever be.
And so, that once exciting idea is now way too far out of my comfort zone. I think I need to start smaller. I need to go outside of my comfort zone by trying to think positively. I need to try to force myself to believe he means it when he says he is attracted to me, and that he loves me, and that he only wants to be with me. Believe it or not, believing such things is incredibly uncomfortable for me. It just feels so untrue.
But I do want to forget the past, and believe in his love. I think that would make me a better lover.
I know how hard that has to be for you. One thing to keep in mind here is that he engaged in that activity before you guys were married. It wasn’t anything personal towards you. I hate that it affects you so much, but I know it has to feel devastating.
I hope that you are able to get past the things he did that was wrong, and find ways to forgive him and believe his sincerity. I’m positive he feels that he is being punished in some way for his mistakes. I suspect he still feels guilty about it and regrets it deeply. That is something he can work through and something you guys can work through together.
Dancing for him may not be the thing you should do since it carries baggage. That doesn’t mean you can’t do something else to step outside of your comfort zone. Just start small like you said.
My husband revealed to me when we started seriously dating and were looking towards marriage that he was struggling with a porn addiction. He was a Christian but made some bad choices and friends in school and had been struggling off and on for several years. He felt terrible and apologized and over the year and half before our marriage he confessed to his parents, my parents, and received counseling from our pastor. He fought hard and overcame his addiction. For me, it was very hurtful. And I understand your feelings of “competing with a professional.” I found a few things very helpful: 1. Colossians 3, specifically vs. 13 & 14 – “Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” I read that around the time that he confessed to me and God’s love and forgiveness poured over me and through me. 2) I also recommend Josh Harris’s “Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is.” It helped me as a female to understand what lust is like for a male. It’s not personal to them (even though it is to us.) And also to understand what a widespread struggle this is for our men today. For even “solid” Christians. 3) I confided in a godly friend. She helped me sort through my emotions. She also challenged me to “take every thought captive” and not dwell on the self-doubt.
As far as your dance specifically – it may or may not be a good idea, especially maybe not at this point. NOT because you’d be competing with a professional. Honey, I promise you, if your husband is as you are describing him (committed to you and Jesus and loves you), you blow away anything that happened before your marriage. My husband has told me repeatedly that our physical relationship is better than anything he’s trashed his mind with before because it’s based on just that: a relationship. The reason that I would suggest not dancing, or at least not this time, is because your husband is struggling with guilt. He would probably watch you and love everything you’ve done for him but the reminder of his past indiscretion would shadow a good experience with guilt (NOT the thought that before was better.) He may feel that you’ve done something so beautiful for him that he doesn’t deserve. These are Satan’s thoughts – guilt, paralyzing feelings, self-doubt. God wants you both to have a wonderful, confident physical relationship. You CAN have that. My husband and I have a wonderful physical relationship. But a lot of it hangs on me – have I forgiven him? with God’s grace, yes. Does that mean I never struggle with doubt? no, but with God’s grace, rarely. Have I forgotten? no, but it is not something I think about every time we are intimate. My confidence in my husband’s love (but even more in God’s love because no husband is perfect) allows my husband to be confident in his forgiveness. So, to sum up a long reply: 1) focus on God’s love and forgiveness. 2) Try to understand what lust is to a man and how it is not personal. 3) Take every thought captive. Fight the lies of self-doubt with the truth about God’s love and about your husband’s love. Get help with this if you need it. Realize you’re not alone and Satan would love to tear apart your relationship but God wants to make it whole.
Great points here! Thank you for sharing. I know that dealing porn addictions takes a long time for healing to happen.
Wow. Thank you. So much. This is something I will reread.
I bought that book by Josh Harris before for my son. Maybe I’ll borrow it. Thank you.
What book are you talking about? The I kissed Dating Goodbye book? Or a different Josh Harris book?
verygood dear i am agreed.
thank you. 🙂
I am sixty nine years old, married these last forty four years to the girl I adored and thought I would love and be loved by for the rest of our lives, having grown up in a family where love was totally absent it only accentuated my feelings of bliss that at last I could experience this exhilarating feeling that comes from both giving and receiving love. The only problem was that this meant that I was inexperienced in knowing how best to express my powerful feelings. The dilemma I faced was that I felt awkward, shy and embarrassed at showing my love and affection while at the same time wanting so much to do just that.
Both virgins on our wedding day, saving ourselves for our special time was so important and while it had been a struggle for me at least, I was glad that I had managed it.
Three children arrived, the first seven years into our marriage, and our relationship seemed all anyone could want it to be. Never were there any serious disagreements and we did what we could to provide a happy and loving environment for our children. The contrast to the upbringing I had, could not have been more evident, I considered myself most fortunate to finally be in a loving relationship. Our sex life was enjoyable if not hugely adventurous and always initiated by me, if I didn`t start it, it didn`t happen. I was slow to pick up on this point and by around 2001 thought that it was only me that was benefiting from our conjugal relations which caused me to have a range of feelings, not the least of which were ones of my inadequacy on my part. I was not giving pleasure to my girl. This did very little for my self confidence and made me wonder if this had been the case all along, could I have missed the signs for thirty odd years? Had I been receiving obligation sex without realizing it all this time? I stopped initiating sex with my wife sometime during 2001 to 2002 and that was the last time we had sex. I mean with anyone, I have never been intimate with anyone other than my wife and I am sure the same applies to her with me and I have no inclination to change that. I will not pretend that this has not had serious consequences on our relationship, it is in a very deep hole, having left me feeling emasculated and inadequate. I am left feeling devoid of love and affection with strong feelings of resentment. In 2014, I attempted to engage in a serious discussion about our relationship as I could see the situation only getting worse otherwise, this was rejected, which left me feeling surprised, disappointed, sad and only built on my already emasculated self. I felt great resentment and anger and sadness that our marriage had degraded to this extent. My great fear is that we have passed the point of no return, for love to form and develop there needs to be a germ, a seed a spark, from which such feelings can flourish, for me that spark has been snuffed out. To imagine how that can be reversed, turned around at this stage, is outside my comprehension, sadly.
Too late, I accept my share of responsibility for where we are today. I at least, assumed that all was rosy, that a good marriage, which I thought we had, could survive without good housekeeping, without conversation directed at maintaining the right environment. If I could give advice to my younger self those forty plus years ago, it would be to be more open and frank in talking through our thoughts, fears, hopes,dreams however awkward and uncomfortable it may seem at the time. Marriage is an investment, maybe not the obvious large financial one such as ones house but an emotional one and no less important. It takes work and the work needs to start early to form the habit.
I would ask that should you use any of my account that my full name should not be made public. Thank you
goodness, that is such a very difficult thing that you are dealing with. I will pray for you and your wife. It is hard to have gotten this far and to feel that disconnected from one another.
From a husband’s point of view, anything involving naked can’t be bad. As long as your going to parade (who doesn’t like a parade?) around the bedroom naked, why not undress each other and add to the anticipation and fun of it? Involve some of that talk too. Tell your spouse what you like about their body. It may even be the freckles on their cheeks or nose, the color of their nails, the shape of their navel or their sacral dimples.
While standing in front of that mirror, have your spouse slowly look over your body and watch their face in the mirror as they pause over the parts that hold their interest.
Great ideas Dan! Love the idea of combining these things. 🙂 I think Valentine’s should be simple and focus on just loving each other in an intimate way.
You’ll notice in my post, Keelie, that I think we men make romance more complicated than it needs to be. I think being consistent with smaller gestures over time means more to wives and makes stronger connections than just hitting the Hallmark days hard.
So true. There’s all this pressure, but there doesn’t have to be.
Stacy is my inspiration! I like crystal as well and my other favorite is Katie @ wellness mama.
I’ve read the Wellness mama. 🙂 She’s awesome.
Oh yes Erin too! lol
That is wonderful. 🙂
What if your husband does NOT like your body? Of you are working on your shape, going to the gym, eating well, etc. But, have about 75 pounds to lose?
If your spouse doesn’t want to see you naked, then this likely will not be a turn on for him. That doesn’t mean that you can’t still do it for you to build your own confidence, which I recognize can be hard to do with a husband who openly shares he doesn’t like your body. I would encourage you to continue doing the things that help you feel like the beautiful woman that I know you are. I would say that you might want to check out what Sheila Gregoria has to say about the subject. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/05/what-if-my-husband-doesnt-find-me-attractive-a-round-up/. You are not the only woman who has a husband that shares with her that he wants her to have a different body.
@Faithfulpeach, I think it’s great that you are trying to improve yourself by eating right and exercising. Your health is important and I just want to encourage you to keep up the good work!
Keelie, I’ve struggled with this for years. There have been SO many misunderstandings between my husband and I over the past 20 years of marriage. I was 19 when we married, and there is so much I never knew! My husband is introverted, and so he never said much or explained anything. So I filled in the blanks with my own thoughts, and that’s caused a lot of hurt feelings. My husband used to have major hang ups with nudity. If I tried to sleep naked, he’d worry what if one of the kids came in? What if there was a house fire and I had to leave in a hurry? We went through a long dry spell sexually (his stress issues) and my naked body didn’t seem to even catch his eye. I took all of this as a sure sign that I was repulsive, disgusting, and worthless. I became a master at staying covered up. Sex with the lights out so he didn’t have to suffer by looking at my body. Only shower when he’s asleep. Change clothes quickly, facing away, or better yet – behind closed doors. I’m a very healthy weight, so I never understood just which parts of me he found so offensive. (He never said he didn’t like my body, but I took his silence as complete disgust).
Reading marriage blogs and comments from men about how much they love their wives bodies, even after childbirth, made me so sad. Happy for those wives, but sad that my husband didn’t feel that way about me.
Fast forward through a lot of nonsense, and we have finally started to heal and grow. My husband has been praying for a stronger marriage, and to be a better husband, and I’ve been trying to believe in his love (which is a struggle for me). This is all good, but I still struggle with poor body image. He now claims that he loves my body, but I struggle to believe him. I don’t think he ever did, so why would he start now.
I accidentally fell asleep naked a couple weeks ago, and when I woke up I was horrified. I thought he’d be offended and angry. He surprised me by seeming pleased about it. But I cant suck in my post-baby poochie tummy that refuses to go away no matter how many ab workouts I do, if I’m asleep!!
I love your posts. I struggle with so many of them. But I think this is great advice for women who are thin enough, hot enough, or confident enough in their bodies to feel good naked. Your posts always make me think.
My hope is that any woman of any size will learn to feel sexy in her body. I was never a thin person and wouldn’t consider myself to be thin now. I weigh less now than I ever have in my life, even as a teenager, but I’ve got the post baby stomach that is FULL of deep stretch marks. I think it looks horrible. My husband on the other hand, doesn’t think it looks horrible. For that reason, I’m choosing to celebrate my stomach instead of feel ashamed by it.
I hope that you will check out the post I wrote about how to feel more uncomfortable naked. https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/feeling-more-comfortable-with-spouse/ Also, I hope you’ll read the series I put together on how to feel beautiful https://lovehopeadventure.com/hope/how-to-feel-beautiful-series-7/.
I understand the concerns about sleeping naked with kids in the house, and the concern of a fire. We lock our doors at night, and we’ve taught our kids to always knock before coming in. We both keep robes near our side of the bed so we can grab it right away if a kid needs help in the middle of the night, and if there is a fire. I also keep a set of clothes at the bottom of my bed and a pair of shoes. I’m pretty prepared for a fire and won’t be running out naked. 😀
I am glad you and your husband are starting to communicate. So many people assume that their spouse feels a certain way about something, because they have not had the right conversations. It takes years and years to work through the damage we do to each other in our early years. I’ve been married for 12 years, and we dated for 5 years before that. It is only in the last year that we have been able to work through the issues we had when we were first married. Now, we realize that most of our problems were due to the fact that we couldn’t properly express ourselves.
I know that with enough time and intentionality, that you and your husband will grow past those early year miscommunications. You will probably always deal with some amount of body issues, but I hope you can get to a point where it is fewer and farther between. I deal with lots of body issues. Sometimes, I do better than others. When I start hating the way I look, I try to remind myself that I’m loved by God the Father and He created me beautiful the way he wanted me.
Thank you for sharing! I know it isn’t easy to do.
I feel the need to comment because I am a very full figured gal who gravity has hit hard. My figure is by no means winning me any awards. Think tess holiday. My husband is thin and very attractive. We’ve Been Married almost 7 years, together almost 12. I sleep in panties only (thongs, lace, cheekies, even my granny panties are bought to flatter the derriere) I add a camisole or babydoll pj top if I feel the need. This gives the husband a great view from both sides which leads to a lot more touching and snuggling. I can’t tell you how many nights just rolling over to sleep is enough to put him in the mood because he has a great view and better yet is cuddling up to a semi bare bum. Your sleepwear sends a strong message and that message should be “this is all for you!”
That is a great perspective Kristen. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 I think that if you do not feel comfortable sleeping naked, that wearing sexy things to bed that you can feel comfortable in is a good idea. I hope to encourage all women to find ways to feel like the beautiful women they are no matter what their size.
These look like so much fun! We will be married 9 years this may and just came through a time of passionless/dutiful love. We have been really enjoying learning to love and pleasure each other all over again! This will be the perfect game to go with the scratch off cards I gave him for valentines day (one of them is play a game but I didn’t have one yet-lol) And I totally agree with the disclaimer that these are to be used for one couple at a time ONLY haha..It would not be sexy at all to be watched by anyone else 😉 Thanks again!
Hope they work for you Laura. Check out the other free bedroom games that we have on the site. This is on of several we put together. 🙂
I have never been skinny (i’m short also)& i love food!? i have been up & down the scale -with 4 pregnancies- i tried not to look at the scale!!!lol But my clothes were too tight & it was time to make some changes!
Last yr i lost 32 lbs, i started with walking almost everyday then started excerising & changing my diet. I cut out diet soda & sweet tea-started drinking water& very little to no fried foods- that’s hard for a southern girl!
The weight slowly started coming off?…my mom actually commented that i had lost my butt- kinda embarrassing but glad she noticed my hard work. I still want to lose 20 lbs! I would love to be size 10!!!!
When i went to the dr for my annal checkup this summer, Dr was so impressed- all my numbers were great-& i’m 46!!! As we get older, i thin it’s harder to lose weight!!!
Congratulations to you! I am so excited to hear that you are losing the weight. I lost 30 and have kept it off. I’m trying to lose like 5 more now.
Thank you! 5lbs?! You got this…You look great!!!
I think being healthy is really the key! My husband loved my body before & after-he never complained!!? All i saw was a fat girl with many stretch marks!!lol
I lost the weight for me, i feel better about myself & more confident!!!
Thank you 🙂 being healthy is key, I agree
Good advice I once read: your spouse should be your standard of beauty.
Yes I agree completely!
Week of blog jobs and shower sex.
blog jobs?
Yes, the ‘g’ is not really that close to the ‘w’ – at least on my keyboard! LOL.
right? Lol 🙂 I have blog jobs all the time, but I don’t think that is what he’s talking about.
Not sure if you saw, but we posted this awesome 1980s perfume commercial that hilariously makes puts the pressure on the wife to do it all.
I’ll have to check it out!
@El Fury, that is great advice. How wonderful it would be if it were possible. Maybe it is. I can’t help but compare myself to all of the beautiful women on every magazine, TV, around town, etc. and find myself seriously lacking, and assume my husband feels exactly the same way. He’s always telling me he thinks I’m beautiful and I cannot fathom how he thinks so. Maybe his standard of beauty Is different than mine.
@Keelie, I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple days. I struggle with feeling beautiful, at all, ever. But I’m getting better. I was put down a lot as a child, and it stuck. I am finally – like this past year – starting to move past all of that.
I’m tall and average sized, not skinny, not fat – just regular. But there are so many clothes I feel I don’t deserve to wear, or I can’t pull them off. I love sundresses. My husband loves me in sundresses. But I don’t wear them because I don’t think I’m thin enough, or short enough, or tiny enough. Maybe this summer I’ll try to move past that.
As for my belly, ha! It’s never been flat. Like, ever. And I was a diver and a lifeguard and I STILL never had a flat belly. Ever. Never ever. I have hidden my belly my entire life. I used to get really mad and embarrassed when my husband would touch my belly, because I thought he was so grossed out. I also HATE my shoulders, because I think they are too broad and make me look like a linebacker. This is an exaggeration, but I am not petite, and I have always associated petite with feminine and beautiful. So I try to keep pretty much my whole body well hidden, so I don’t scare anybody! 🙂
All that being said, this post has made me think. I love what you’re trying to do about your belly. I love your ideas. I’m going to pray about this, and maybe I can change, too.
@B I hope you can make changes in your mind about your body. It is not easy! I struggle on a daily basis, but I don’t want to give up, because it is so important that I love myself at any size.
I encourage you to believe your husband! When you don’t believe him, you are calling him a liar, and that isn’t fair. I understand that your past is a struggle for you. I get it, it can be hard to get over your past.
Keep pushing forward, and working towards finding things about yourself that you do love. Don’t focus on all of the areas you hate, but focus on the areas that you love! I have certain areas of my body that I love, and now I’m trying to love the parts of my body that aren’t meeting the standards of what the world says is beautiful.
Good luck on it!
@B – “He’s always telling me he thinks I’m beautiful and I cannot fathom how he thinks so. Maybe his standard of beauty Is different than mine.”
1. Since his behavior of touching you matches what he says, maybe he does have a different standard of beauty.
2. Consider how your husband developed that standard of beauty – love for you because of the person you are. Consider that God’s power can give husbands a standard of beauty that changes with the years. Husbands do not have to do it alone – God is there with us.
3. I know it sounds cliche, but Satan is the one that want’s women to compare themselves physically to others.
4. Wives – join your husbands in celebrating your belly or your shoulders or the way you look in a sundress.
Love your advice here 🙂 Thank you for sharing.
The links to the email you sent today don’t work – including the link to this post 🙁
Just thought you might want to know – I just looked up the site/post the “old way” 😉
really? I will check it out! Thanks for the heads up. 🙂 I appreciate you looking out for me.
It sounds strange but comparing myself to other real life women actually helped me to accept my body. All of my mom friends have a baby pooch. I went to the beach and all the moms there had baby pooches. Even the teen girls in bikinis? Their stomachs weren’t flat either! The more I went to the beach that summer the more I was able to see what real women’s bodies look like and how different they all were. But I could easily tell the difference between the women insecure in their bathing suits and those who didn’t stop to think about it. That confidence made those women look even more beautiful. And so I have finally–after three kids–learned to see myself as beautiful and attractive. I had to fake it a little at first, but the more I acted confident (or sexy for my husband), the more confident/sexy I felt, and the more I felt it, the more I became it. I think I am sexier now than ever before, and it’s not that I look better than before (3 kids, remember); its that I am proud of the skin I am in for the first time in my entire life.
A word about how our husbands see us too. This finally clicked for me after my second daughter was born. Truth be told, she was kind of a funny looking baby. When I saw other babies, I knew she wasn’t as cute as them. But you know what? I didn’t care. She was perfect because she was mine, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything else. How ridiculous to trade my own baby for someone else’s because s/he is cuter. Well, our hubby’s are the same way. My husband loves everything about my body just because it is MINE, and I am his! Our hubbies love our bodies–imperfections and all–because they love us. Now I am proud to strut my stuff for him. 😉
I love your story. I think you are right, comparing can sometimes really help. When you see that no one is perfect, it does take the pressure off. When you only see people that are perfect, it can definitely harm. Real women…not airbrushed pictures are something we should look at.
@Kay, I so admire your confidence, and yes, you are beautiful.
Most women are. I don’t know what beaches you hang out at though. Anywhere I go, a beach, a hotel, Disney World, every woman there is supermodel gorgeous. I’ve seen countless women with children in tow, no belly to speak of whatsoever. And they do what I call the “bikini strut” – they parade around in all their glory as if to rub it in my face how inadequate I am. I seldome see a woman as frumpy as me, anywhere, ever. And I’m not fat, which makes it even weirder, but it’s just like I’m very disproportioned. The only thing I ever had going for me where natural breasts of a good size, but that’s no longer an asset. Read any article, anywhere, and all you will find is how men have all changed their minds to find small breasted women far more attractive. So much for my one good feature. 🙁
Anyhow, I feel badly because my husband gets upset when we go to any kind of water place, ever. I don’t complain, but I guess my silence tells him I’m feeling down on myself. He should just ignore me and enjoy the view. He’d be much happier that way.
What bothers me the most is, before the Internet, and everyone striving to be so crazy perfect, I used to love swimming, playing in the ocean, kneeboarding, anything to do with water. I could dive like a champ, and I could kick anyone’s butt at water polo. 🙂 That was back before I cared about any of this, when I was too naive to even realize how subpar my body was.
I’ve never felt beautiful a day in my life, ever. Not since I can remember. I was the worlds ugliest bride. No one told me I looked pretty, no one told me I could get my hair or makeup done. I just kind of put on my dress, did my best, and showed up. 🙁 As I said before, I was verbally reminded every day of my ugliness as a teenager, so I guess I made peace with it a long time ago. It’s only bothered me this much since I started reading blogs and articles with all the beautiful women talking about beauty and how important it is, and how much their husbands find them attractive.
And the confidence is sexy thing? I think EVERYONE gets that backwards. You see, sexy people are very confident. So it appears that confidence is sexy when in fact it is the exact opposite, the sexiness makes people confident. Someone like me has nothing to be confident about, so acting confident or trying to act sexy when I don’t deserve to, will just seem like a pathetic attempt to be something I could never be.
I feel badly for my husband. I don’t know why he chose to marry me over someone he is attracted to for real, but I kind of think it was a pity thing. I think he’s been trying to make himself love me for years, and that’s sad, because he deserves a woman he actually finds attractive and desireable.
Very nice share
What a great post. I am hot and cold on body issues, but for most of my life I’ve been thin and fit. Now, things feel different. I think it has to do with getting older, being too busy, getting more sedentary, having too much stress and a little depression. Yes, apparently, I am a mess. I am trying really hard to accept the changes, but it ain’t easy!
Thanks for sharing! I run into a lot of women that were fit and thin most of their lives. Then…well…age or something changes things. They suddenly lose something about themselves that they loved and now they have to figure out how to accept the changes. We all have to do that at some point or another. I hope you keep working at it!
Hey Keelie,
Great post, especially with all the body image issues young people, middle aged people and older people have. We all love bits of our bodies and dislike others. I have always loved seeing abs on others. Enjoyed them, envied them while eating cookies but at a very young age I knew I would struggle with on again, off again exercise regime.
Of course I could have gone to the gym more. Of course I could have used discipline and determination, I still can. But it was never my area, so I accept the struggle I have with exercise and enjoy the abs of others. I so love them.
I had a huge growth spurt when I was younger and have lived with stretch marks on my hips. So embarrassed I had these at 13. Now I accept them.
I so get when you say you are appreciating your belly. I play with mine like play dough sometimes, I enjoy it. Okay I would prefer not to have a mushroom top, but outside of that I now have a happy balance of being size fourteen. I just wish I could have loved my body the way I do now years ago. Loved your post, its a big issue.
Rachel
Thanks so much for sharing Rachel! I agree, accepting your stretch marks and your body as it is so important. As a teenager, does any of us accept ourselves? I am not even sure we have the ability. I’m so thankful that you are doing that now, though!
Hello, thank you for the conversation starters, there are some really great questions. Not to long ago, my wife and I wanted to put more effort into having more date nites, and found we would wind up talking about kids, scheduling, family “stuff”… our date nights wound up being no different than any random dinner at home, except the occasional difference in setting. Our genius idea on date nights lost steam. So we tried setting rules..”no kid talk”, no “scheduling talk”, no “work” talk…..( we are in the same field, so work talk is as common as kid talk)….Needless to say, that did not work…unless you consider complete silence a bonding moment (as we attempted to think of subjects to talk about). So after reading different relationship sites (including yours, and others you have recommended) and wanting employ a new strategy to really make date nite work, I googled “questions for you spouse”, “date night subjects” and other similar searches. I found a bunch of fun, thoughtful, and sexy questions. I printed and cut them out so each question is on a small slip of paper, and placed these in a box. Now when we have date nite we will either grab a couple of questions (hard to bring a box into a dining establishment), or if the setting works (outdoor picnic, hanging by the firepit) we will bring the box with us (it is not huge, it’s a medium sized cigar box) shake it up, and randomly pick out the question. The deal is if the question is not a subject we want to tackle (might not be in mood for a deep thought question), we throw it back in the box for another day. I found it takes the pressure off of coming up with a subject/topic… and encourages you to talk about things that you usually don’t discuss.
Your questions will be a fun addition to the box. Thank you. (sorry so long)…
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story! I am so thankful that I am not the only one that thinks conversation starters can be a game changer for date night. It is so important to find ways of connecting with your spouse outside of the normal every day things.
I love your thoughts! I hope that you enjoy these questions and it is my plan to come up with more later on.
Love this! Josh and I have definitely had some of our best conversations on road trips (and we’ve had some long ones!). I look forward to continuing this with the family – thanks for the tips!
you are welcomed! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
I love to see her in her glory and see the look on her face when she is climaxing, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s very rare we do it in the dark, but when we do I imagine how she looks.
At least you have it in your mind’s eye. Maybe one day you guys can turn your lights on.
I love your honesty! Yes, it can be awkward. I think what usually makes undressing “sultry” is simply going slow and touching one another in between layers-thrown-off.
But I could write a very humorous post about this too — the times he’s tried to unhook your bra but just can’t get it, or when you went to unzip his pants and the zipper got stuck, or when the shirt going over your head snagged on your nose and you’re were yelling, “Wait, wait!” It happens.
So so true J. I can’t even unbutton my husband’s pants, and he can’t do it on me either. Forget about unhooking bras! That took me years of practice, and I doubt I could get a bra off of someone else if I had my hands wrapped around them. Shaking my head….why does it look so easy in movies? Lol. 😀
These are great suggestions for sexy people, or for women who have husbands that find them attractive. For the rest of us… It’s a nice thing to dream about.
My husband is usually too tired for sex. He doesn’t find me that interesting or appealing, so why would I torture him by forcing him to watch me undress?
What really makes me mad is if I suggested something like this, he’d lie and say he’d like it. But his actions speak the truth. Words are just empty words. I know my body is not good enough. I’m not really his type.
But on a brighter note, I think these ideas are great for the women who have husbands who do find them appealing. So keep up the great suggestions! I’m envious, yes, but happy for the wives who deserve to do these things.
I’m sorry that you are in a miserable marriage. I hate that for you.
Keelie, thank you! I probably shouldn’t comment, but sometimes all I want to hear is “sorry things are that way.” So often people try to psychoanalyze and say “oh you’re seeing things all wrong…” when I just want to lament. So thank you for just listening. 🙂
But I’ve given the wrong impression. The marriage isn’t miserable, just the sex life part. 🙁
At least there is a positive part to your marriage, then. Cling to the good things and do what you can to deepen your intimacy. I’ve heard many couples say that it can take upwards of 20+ years to develop a sex life that they really enjoy….and other couples, well, they never get to that point, which I completely hate for people.
Always feel free to comment. Everyone needs a place to speak what’s on their heart.
Sounds like you need to loose about 50 or plus pounds. It’s a shame you know what the problem is and don’t do a damn thing to correct it! On the other side of the coin is, my wife is over weight but I still love when I can see her naked. My problem is, she hides from me. Runs right out of the shower and jumps immediately into cloths or into bed. Very disappointing. So don’t sell yor husband short. I bet he would love to see you naked.
Hey there Jim, I am approving this comment even though you were really rude to me about assuming I need to lose weight and don’t show my body to my husband. I approved it, however, to say I’m sorry that your wife isn’t confident enough to reveal herself to you. I will pray that she gains that confidence in herself for both of your sakes.
Love thses tips. My husband and I get a lot of good conversations in the car.
That is wonderful. 🙂 I am so glad that you guys connect in that way.
I clicked on you from the promo on FB Blogging Boost group. I’m always looking for ways to make my marriage a little bit better. Thanks for writing this. It seems like the key is intention, but your conversation starters help a lot too. Sometimes I just can’t think of anything to ask!
That’s great! I’m glad that these conversation starters are helping you out. We rely on them heavily in our marriage. 🙂
So, I know I’m not normal as far as being the woman with the higher sex drive, but this post was a shocker – AND – a reminder to count my blessings! I have no trouble being able to be aroused by my husband. I’ve never seen that as a blessing, but I guess it is.
In fact, due to his high stress, workaholic, lower libido issues, I have often seen my tendency to be aroused by him as a curse. I have never looked at it from this point of view. Perhaps I need to shift my focus and instead of seeing things as negative, learn to look at the things about me as positive.
Thanks, Keelie! And I’ll say a prayer for the lady who asked the question, and for other ladies in her situation.
I know that there are a lot of high drive wives out there. If you are a lower drive spouse, for whatever the reason, it can be hard to get in the mood.So much plays into libido, and stress will kill it. Not being able to walk away from what’s bothering you can make it very hard to be aroused. I’m glad to hear you will be thankful for things about yourself. It is always a good idea to think of the positives if you can.
I love “car time” with my husband. When we go on a trip, there is uninterrupted (sort of) time to just drive, be together and talk! We love it. Thanks for your suggestions – will use them for an upcoming trip to switch it up a bit. 🙂
I hope you have a great time. 🙂
it’s okay to laugh, and laughing can be sexy. When you laugh you relax, and that lets you be playful together. Playfulness can lead to great sex. Don’t worry about being “sultry”. Undress in a playful way, and you can have fun with it.
I agree. It is fun to laugh with your lover. 🙂
Hi Keelie,
I’m talking about the book “Sex Is Not the Problem, Lust Is” book that BG mentioned in her comment above. Thanks!
Oh ok! I wasn’t thinking about the comment-:)
I love that you recognize the need to work on your marriage. Too many people think that the only folks that need to work on thier marriage or those whose marriage is in trouble.
Yes! If you wait until your in trouble, then it’s going to be much harder.
Hi Keelie, great post! This can be SO frustrating! I thought you had an interesting view on this. See, I would say that I (the wife) have the higher drive, but that might not be so. It’s just that I’m more willing to talk about it than he is. My husband can be very shy in this one area (I think his upbringing had a lot to do with this).
And we are the king and queen of miscommunication. This happened just the other day. I’ll spare you the loooong story, but I have felt that I’ve been rejected over and over for years. But as we heal and grow, it seems like a lot of this was poor communication and bad timing.
So the other night I was feeling very loving towards my husband. I worked very hard to get all of my chores done so I could go to bed when he did (he goes to bed early, gets up early). He seemed pleased about this. I rubbed his back, which he loves, for a long time, and I gave several signals. I thought I was being 150% clear. After quite a while, I realized he was more interested in sleep than in me (as usual) and so I rolled over to go to sleep. He said, “thank you for the massage” and I said “you’re welcome” and that was that. I was unhappy, but I didn’t complain. I thought about going out to the living room to pout, but I stayed in bed and prayed until I fell asleep. So it turned out okay.
WELL, the next day we were talking and when I told him, “I REALLY wanted to be with you last night, so much” he was like, “What? You rolled over and went to sleep!” And I said “Because you weren’t the least bit interested!” And he said “I was very, very interested, but I thought you weren’t interested.” I told him “you said thanks for the massage – like that’s all you wanted and nothing more.” And he said “I just said that because I thought you just wanted to go to sleep.” Argh!!! Why didn’t he say something?? I know, I know, you’ll say why didn’t I say something, but it’s because we went through a couple rough years where he did reject me and I am still terrified of being rejected again. So I hint but I don’t outright say. Miscommunication stinks!!
Then the next day he came on to me and I went along with it even though I really wasn’t interested because I had to finish dinner and leave to drive a carpool all in less than an hour, and I wasn’t really in a relaxing sexy mood. But I didn’t turn him down because I hate being turned down, and because he comes on to me so rarely, that I have to take his advances on the rare occasions that I get them. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy it, but I let him go ahead because I love him and I don’t want him to feel rejected. But then he felt badly that I didn’t really enjoy it, but how could I while I was already racing the clock?
So we did talk and we are realizing that we need to communicate much better. What he also doesn’t realize is these quick events, he will feel satisfied and be good for a couple days. I, on the other hand, just get warmed up, and then have to walk around “warmed up” for DAYS until he decides he is in the mood again. It stinks!
I know I sound like I’m complaining, but I’m actually happy. I’m happy that my husband and I are finally talking about this and starting to understand each other. It’s only taken 20 years!
I recently turned 40 and part of me feels like my time for a good sex life has passed, but maybe not. Maybe there’s still time. 🙂
Communication is a real issue with couples and sex. One will feel they are giving all of the signals and the other acts disinterested. This has happened again and again with Austin and I. So…we put a stop to it. We stopped beating around the bush and we just come right out and ask, “Can we have sex?”. I know that seems bold, but it is so much better to use plain language and not miss the opportunity. I completely get where you are coming from with quickies not satisfying you and making it ok for him for days. That was a problem I have dealt with a lot. My husband and I work hard to make sure that we always have the time to make our time of sex great for both of us. Since we have made such a concerted effort, it doesn’t take me as long as it used to. The more your orgasm, the easier it makes it for you…at least that is my experience.
I know how hard it is to get in a sexy mood right away. Sometimes, my husband comes to me and I’m not ready, but I want to be with him. here is a post that I wrote of things I do to get in the mood quick fast and in a hurry. http://www.iamthesextalklady.com/sex/ways-you-can-get-in-the-mood-for-sex-in-a-hurry/.
I think that sometimes, a spouse will think that the one refusing has a low sex drive. My husband thought that about me. I never full out refused, I just asked if we could take the time the next day to do it. Mostly, I did that because I was exhausted or felt sick, and knew it wouldn’t be fun for me, but that he would feel satisfied for days. Since I struggled to initiate, I didn’t have the ability to come back to him the next day when I would need it. So, that was us in a nutshell. I had to learn to initiate, which I realize you have already done. However, your spouse may need to get better at initiating, and it can make you feel he has a low sex drive. He may not have a low sex drive, he may just not have the ability to communicate his needs to you. If he doesn’t refuse you as much as he once did, then maybe you should put yourself out there more. Have a lot of conversations about it over and over. Eventually, something may click for him.
I don’t think that your time for a good sex life has passed. More often then not, a couple’s sex life only grows over the years as they learn each other. That does require a lot of communication though. It sounds like you guys struggle in that area. So, maybe your tactics of communication need to change. Maybe writing out your thoughts will help him. Maybe he can write out his thoughts to you, and that may help him. It could be that you guys need some questions to prompt your discussion, which is why I have put together sexy truth or dare posts. The truths are conversation starters that get you talking about what you like with sex.
Keep working on it! There is always hope and redemption in relationships.
Yes yes yes! Keep those home fires burning!
Don’t let the marriage get complacent…
I agree Jason
I would add, “don’t look for the gold star”.. Do the nice thing but don’t look for the credit.. This is a trap I fall into often, I will do something out of the ordinary routine and WAIT for him to notice/thank/reciprocate and it doesn’t happen.. So give up the idea of credit and do it for the love of your spouse… 🙂
Great advice Jennifer. 🙂
Hi Keelie, whew, what a post!!! My husband and I have been together for five years, and we dated five years before that. It’s always great to learn new things to keep stuff spicy. I found that dancing together worked wonders for us when we least expected it. We were havig drinks and started to dance in the living room and that reminded us of our clubbing days… and the rest is history! This is a great post, I plan on writing an article about intimacy soon, and I will definitely link to your article when I do!
I think that is great Hiba. 🙂
I’m so glad you wrote this! Seriously, though, since I live on a Christian ship and operate under their internet connection, most typical websites I’d go to for sex-piration are blocked. But not yours! Thanks for the encouragement.
that is wonderful to hear! You can feel free to check out my older posts, many of which are very helpful for those looking for that type of information. 🙂 Glad you found me.
Keelie, you have awesome ideas! Some of them are really hard to implement, but I guess I just need to put more effort into it. My husband’s job keeps him busy and exhausted most of the time. I appreciate how hard he works, and I could never do what he does, and I very much admire how strong he is. I do long for the day when he can stay awake past 7:30! He does get up around 4:30, and he works very hard, outdoors, at least 10 hours a day, usually 6 days a week. I am so thankful that about three years ago he stopped working Sundays. That helped our family life tremendously. I don’t want to be greedy, but I do long for more time together.
We have been dreaming about getting away together, even for one night, but it never happens. I was feeling down, figuring I just wasn’t important enough to him, but I don’t think that’s it. There just isn’t enough time. Maybe someday! I can keep dreaming…. And in the meantime, perhaps I need to put more effort into making things happen at home.
Just once, I’d like to be “swept off my feet”, but that’s not who he is. So I need to do my part to create more time spent together.
I love your positive attitude about this. 🙂 It can be so hard to deal with jobs and earning. I hope it will get better for you.
A reason for leaving the lights off that wasn’t mentioned in this article is: If the husband can’t perform if the lights are on. My husband is only able to have sex with me if the lights are off. I know this because he has told me so. Previous “ED” issues (for about 5 years) were actually because the sight of my body turned him off. I have since lost a lot of weight, went from a size 12 to a 4, but now, because of the weight loss, there is some loose skin on my stomach that he is turned off by. I want the lights on, want to play, want to look in his eyes, experiment – but because of my body, it’s 5 minutes in the dark and it’s over. And that’s after being turned down completely by him many times. I’m so frustrated. I want to like my body, but how?
That is so devastating for you. I think you need to start having conversations with him slowly about your problem. The conversations won’t be easy, you’ll both likely feel hurt by what’s said, and the problem will probably not be resolved any time soon, but you need to share your emotions. If you have done that several times, then you can only continue talking with him. Go into the conversations with your problem and ask him to help you find a solution. I know ED can be a really difficult thing for men. I’m sure his problems are only making the situation more sensitive for him to talk about or deal with.
As for you, you need to do everything you can to remove his negative view of you from your mind. You don’t have to agree with him. Your self confidence has to come from within you. If he doesn’t approve, that’s on him. You can feel confident without him. Even in marriage, you don’t have to let your spouse’s opinion of you define who you are. They are human, and subject to being wrong.
I encourage you to find a good friend that you can talk to that will help you sort out your issues with your husband.
Thanks for the link!
It’s worth pointing out that many positions you’ll see are anatomically impossible, But they can still be fun to attempt 🙂
So true! It’s always fun to at least try
This is an interesting post. (I’m the wife) I’ve tried all three of these and failed. I chalked each failure up to more proof that he just doesn’t really feel attracted to me anymore. Why else would he turn down sex so often.
He, on the other hand, often says “I had no idea you wanted to have sex.” He has even said, “I didn’t think you were in the mood” when I SO obviously was. I think he uses these as convenient excuses so he doesn’t have to force himself to have sex with me. He says I’m wrong, and that he loves being with me. But, he never asks either, so…. What does that tell me? When all I read about is how much sex men want and need and how often they hound their wives for some love. My husband would rather sleep. He never asks me for sex. He waits for me to come on to him. He misses a lot of cues (and I think it’s on purpose).
Coming right out and asking? I don’t know. Too risky. Being rejected hurts, even when it’s subtle. I don’t want to say, “hey honey I’d like to make love” just to have him say “no thanks.” It would crush me more than his subtle rejections do.
I know how hard it must be to rejected. No one wants to be rejected. You’ve got two choices here, believe your husband and give him the benefit of a doubt and then go out on a limb and see what happens, or you continue to hint around and have him continue to say that he misread you. Going the route of hinting around means you guys never move to total honesty with each other. It would be better to be rejected and then deal with it than to play it safe and never have those necessary conversations. I’ve talked with other women who’s husbands do not initiate and do not want sex the way the movies and media make you think. I don’t know if that helps you or not, but I’ve had several conversations lately with ladies dealing with this. It’s not easy on you and I know it’s not easy on your husband. Whatever reason he is avoiding sex is hurting him too. I hate that you both do not have a close relationship in this area.
I guess. But why can’t he go out on the limb? Why does it always have to be me. On another blog, one of the men said that asking for sex feels vulnerable and emotionally naked. Ok, I kind of get that. Then I replied that I am his wife and the least scary person on earth. To which another male commenter replied that there is nothing more intimidating than the woman you love, nor more frightening than having to bare your soul to her.
What??? Then why get married? Shouldn’t your spouse be the safest person?
Anyhow, I have gone out on a limb. A bunch. It’s his turn. Trust me, if I hadn’t initiated the first 15 years, we’d have had sex almost never. I’d love to know what’s it’s like to feel beautiful and desired and to be pursued. Just once! I’m really not that ugly. And he pouts and says it makes him feel really badly that I feel so badly about myself and that I never feel beautiful. Well, DUH!! Why would I feel beautiful when the man I love DOESNT find me attractive, worth pursuing, or even loveable?
I think it’s hard for normal women who have husbands who are attracted to them to understand. I do appreciate that you are a good listener and you don’t just say “well, get over it.” The way so many others do.
You know, sometimes I wonder if my husband ever stumbled on some of my comments if he’d finally understand why I don’t believe him when he says “I love you.” I don’t think he gets how painful this can be.
On a bright note, I have been getting better as far as understanding I have worth to Christ and that is where I need to put my hope and my focus, regardless of how attractive I am or am not to my husband.
I know you must be so super frustrated. 🙁 I hate that for you. Maybe you should write down your feelings to him. That might help him understand better! I know you want to give up and stop pursuing him. I certainly won’t tell you that you should keep on if it crushes you every time.
Many women do not feel beautiful, even if they have husbands that they know find them attractive and pursue them sexually. I know that you can feel beautiful and valid no matter what is going on with your husband. That is something I will encourage you to do. I encourage you to figure out what you can do to feel like the beautiful woman you are, even if your husband never approaches you. There was a time when you were single and you had to feel beautiful without the attention of another person. You can get back to that, or you can work towards that if you never had it to begin with.
Marriage is a long tough road. I will keep praying for you as I know this is so hard for you to work through.
This looks like a great idea. What I am most thankful for about my husband is that he loves God with all his heart and then me next. His relationship with God blesses me and he leads us sacrificially. 🙂
That is really something to be thankful for! I am so happy for you.
I agree that taking turns allows the recipient to focus on his (or her) pleasure while the giver can fully engage in the “giving.” Good post. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Rica. 🙂
In my experience, it’s much better for her to climax before I do. 99% of the time, at least.
Is your experience different? If so… how?
I almost always go first. 🙂 It just makes the most sense.
Oh ok, I thought you were saying that you took turns climaxing first! That sounded… less than ideal.
Oh…I better make that more clear. 😀 We do take turns climaxing…first me, then him- we don’t normally try at the same time, because that hardly works. 😀 Hahaha.
How many ice pops per slushy?
I believe I do 3- 4 per slushy. 🙂 Just do what looks right. You’ll just have a smaller one if you go with less.
Cute pictures! I especially love the last one of you two.
thanks so much Rachel. 🙂
Women are not the only that deal with this. Thankfulness helps
I agree Jack!
I’m 38; we’ve been married for 17 years. We have 4 kids and a pretty active sex life.
We didn’t always. I used to buy into the Feminist lie that it’s your body 100%. It didn’t work; bought nothing but trouble.
It’s not just sex that a wife is obligated to. It’s sex, the way he wants it, with enthusiasm. If you have to fake that orgasm, get good at it. Sex with a smile, 21 days out of the cycle.
Don’t want to do that? Keep control of your body– stay single. End of line.
I’m having a hard time understanding if you feel some bitterness towards your spouse for the sex life that you guys have or if you are just sharing how you have grown in intimacy with your husband. Are you feeling frustrated with the way your sex life is going?
I agree, it is so important to have routines in place so you can get more done. Keep up the great work here lovely lady and live unstopppable!
How do we read the rest of the comments? I found something I wanted to read to my husband and now I can’t find it. 🙂
Huh…..I’m not sure! All of the comments are public on this thread. I haven’t deleted anything. 😀
So true! Conversation – sharing ideas, hopes, fears, dreams – it’s one way Rob and I have developed a deep and secure relationship. However much you talk with each other, there are still new things to discover… It took me 25 years to realize Rob’s favorite dessert was puddings! (Like, duh? Right? ?)
It is surprising what we find out about our spouse over the years, or what they find out about themselves!
I’m with little sexual desire and do not know what is happening. I am married 15 years and sexual routine seems that entered the routine. I hope this site you indicated is interesting Keelie !
Kisses!
I wrote that post on Bonny’s website and she helps women with lower libido. I hope you find something useful!
Nice!!!
Dear thanks for giving us such an ideas last minute gift ideas to mothers day .
It is really good ideas to choose gift for mother’s.
Hope you have a good weekend!
Hello , Keelie
Awesome, your DIY ideas to graduation gifts are really good.
Love to read your Article.
Thank you.
Thanks so much. 🙂
You have shared some of this with me before but I so enjoyed reading the whole story! I loved Crystal’s book and follow her too. My hope is to continue to learn how to blog, freelance etc… to help in our home. 🙂
I know you will get there with your blogging. You are doing so great already!
We have a large family. Let me keep it simple and say that we live from 970 – 1030 miles from her parents (depending on the route) so each year at least we made pilgrimages to their house and it was always good. With kids sleeping in the back she had many Good orgasms and we had many good talks before and after these sexy times. It kept me awake and relaxed her. Wearing the right dress makes everything easier and was more fun and there is no hurry. After lots of shoulder rubs and breast play she was well lubed and on par for the course. The rest built intimacy and made everything better between us. 38 years and it keeps getting better. ?? you might I am an opportunist?
well, that would certainly make a car ride better. 😀 Lol.
This is really good advice, especially the part about making changes within yourself. My husband travels a lot for work and then farms in the little time that he’s home, so I often find myself resenting the farm or his family for “taking his time away from me.” It’s not pretty, to say the least. But you’re right, resentment can easily destroy you. I’m slowly learning to let go of the resentment and accept the things that I can’t change. My husband is working hard to provide for our family, and I need to learn to support that.
I once read that marriage is 100%/100%, not the 50%/50% that so many people fight over. When you think of it like that (both parties need to be fully supporting each other), it’s so much easier to let go of the resentment.
Yeah, I can totally see how you can feel that way. I have felt resentment towards my husband in the past for things. The only real way to get over it is to make those changes in myself, because sometimes, it totally wasn’t his fault. Other times, it was his fault, but I didn’t want to be eaten up with resentment.
I’ll pray for you to work through those issues you are experiencing. I have also found that finding something to be thankful about my husband on a regular basis helps me to stop feeling resentment towards him.
@Keelie – Many thanks for giving the other side of this issue!
Having spent time with you and Austin I can see your love and passion for each other. The way you were taught purity was a good thing for each of you and for your marriage. It sounds a lot like the “bettre way” I suggest in my post on this issue.
Thanks and blessings!
I’m happy to share another voice in the matter! I had no idea that so many people were struggling on account of what they were taught. Well… I guess that isn’t true. I just thought that it was a problem the the older generations dealt with, but that we had gotten away from.
Thanks for letting me share these thoughts.
hello!
I’ve been with my husband for eight years and I always told him I believe we should kiss each other bye every time one of us leaves…even if we are mad at each other or if one of us is mad at the other.to me kissing when your arguing shows that no matter what you love each other but my husband doesn’t always do this. I noticed it hurts me greatly when he leaves mad and doesnt kiss me goodbye and I let him know it hurts but he still does it. I always thought I was the only one to see kissing your spouse goodbye as something important and I’m glad to know you believe the same.i think all couples should take part in it and see how it it could change their relationship and make it stronger. thank you for sharing this!
There is a lot of benefit to kissing goodbye whether you’re mad or not. Maybe you can talk with your husband again and share your feelings. I know it’s hard to get your spouse to understand things. Keep working through it.
Great post, thanks for the link! A couple of questions…
1. Can you orgasm from quickies? It seems that having an orgasm every time is a fine goal, but it seems that many/most women require a time investment to reach orgasm.
2. PIV sex just doesn’t work for most women to reach orgasm. I think Jay Dee recently posted a study showing that if a woman’s clitoris is more than 1 inch from her urethra then she’ll have a very hard/impossible time climaxing from PIV alone. (If I remember the details correctly.)
In our experience, Sexy Corte has an orgasm whenever she wants, and that isn’t every time. It’s probably 3 times a week, and we have sex pretty much every day.
Can I orgasm from quickies? It depends on how excited I am. 😀 This article is definitely geared towards a woman that already knows what she has to do in order to orgasm. So, the real value here is to know what to do after she has the first orgasm and then to have consecutive ones after, which I find can be reached very quickly once you get to that point.
I believe most of what I shared will help women that are orgasming through manual stimulation or vibrators. The real key is to back off enough to let yourself settle down so that you have something to get over again for another orgasm.
By orgasming every time, my hopes were to communicate that if a woman is struggling to know how to orgasm if she wants to, then she needs to master that first, before she can master the multiples. If you are woman that orgasms, but it just happens, then it can be hard to apply any of these principles to having more than one.
I’ll change the statement about it being easier to climax with PIV sex. What I was trying to communicate is that if you want to avoid over stimulation, you can do that easier with PIV sex, assuming you can orgasm that way. 😀 I know that plenty of women are unable to orgasm this way. Some of it is angle, some I’m sure has to do with their anatomy, and it can also have a lot to do with the way their husband is moving, too.
Oh sure, not trying to nit-pick 🙂
It takes energy (mental and physical) for SC to orgasm, but even if she doesn’t feel like doing that she’s generally up for sex (and enjoys it). She knows what it takes to get there, so yeah, that’s important!
So happy she knows! It can be so hard for some women and I hate that for them. 🙁 I’m happy to know you guys have an awesome sex life.
After decades of hurt and pain following some rather severe emotional abuse by a sibling, I discovered a simple and profound truth: She did not sin against me. She sinned against God. Recognising this allowed me to let go of the hurt. God will judge her. That is not my job. God won’t ask for my opinion. So I can let go of the hurt, knowing that it brings nothing of value to my life, knowing that I have forgiven her and the rest is between God and her. That is her journey.
What a profound way of thinking God has brought you to. You are so right, it is between her and God now. I’m so thankful that you are able to forgive her.
Also try the Reverse Grinding the Corn sex position. It gives her the same stimulation, but she’s in control!
what’s the link to the reverse grinding the corn sex position?
It won’t let me post a link in the comment. I’ll ping you on Twitter.
I’ll go check, thanks Brent. 🙂
Here is the reverse grinding the corn position link. 😉 http://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/reverse-grinding-the-corn/
Great post! As a husband, it really is an amazing feeling to hear your wife beg you to stop giving her orgasms.
Hi Keelie! Congrats on your anniversary! It looks like you had a great date and your ring is beautiful!
My husband always says he wants to make me happy, but holidays, birthdays, etc. mean nothing to him. I used to get upset and feel like he didn’t think I was worth his time or money. But I’m growing past that. Slowly. 🙂 I recently turned 40, and… Nothing. My older sisters husband rented an amazing restaurant and invited us all to dinner for her 40th – it was so much fun. I think I might’ve gotten a card. We have been married over 20 years. I have yet to have an anniversary celebration. 🙁
So I need your opinion on something. I’ve been trying to cut my workaholic husband some slack and encourage or even plan a date night on my own. So there is a garden light festival that looks really fun, in a city close to us. I told him it looked like a nice thing to do. Whoosh! Right over his head. So I went the direct route and flat out said, “I’d really like to go to the festival. We could go on a date.” He said that sounded like a great idea.
That was in April. I’ve brought it up a couple times. We pass a billboard advertising it on our way to church. I reminded him a couple weeks ago that it ends soon, and I reminded him a week ago that it ends this week.
He’s made no mention of going. Every time I bring it up he says, “Oh right! Sure, we can go.”
But we won’t. I am not reminding him any more. He is so busy with work (as he has been since before we were married) that he’ll forget. Work takes complete precedence over all.
Our hot water heater was leaking for weeks. He was always too busy to replace it. I offered to call a plumber, but he didn’t want to spend the money when he is more than capable of doing it himself. He finally replaced it yesterday. That’s great, and I am thankful.
But now, if I mention the festival, or if he realizes he forgot and it’s over, he’ll act like “I replaced the water heater, doesn’t that make you happy?” It does – but a date I don’t have to plan and then basically beg him about, would make me feel loved. It not about happiness, or getting what I want. It’s about feeling loved. That’s what I long for. I stopped hinting, and I was very direct about what I wanted to do. But – all to no avail. See if I had kept hinting, I wouldn’t feel roundly ignored. Because I could always say, he didn’t get the hint. But being direct and being put off – that kinda hurts worse.
So do I remind him again? There’s only one or two nights left that we could make it. I don’t think I will. He obviously doesn’t want to go.
But I am also going to try not to be upset that he basically stood me up. I wish he had just said no from the beginning, rate than give me the false hope that we would do something fun together.
How do you get Austin to treat you so lovingly? I wish my husband was 1/10 as thoughtful towards me as he is towards his work.
The great news is, I’m learning to find my happiness in Jesus instead of my husband. I have to work at it every day, especially since I have always had a longing to be loved by my husband. He says he loves me about 100 times a week, but he’s not big on showing it. I’m trying to learn to love him for who he is, and appreciate what a good provider he is, instead of wishing for things I can’t have – like date times and a special anniversary. It’s hard, but I’m getting a little better, and a little happier each day.
You know, maybe this article from Austin’s perspective will help you. https://lovehopeadventure.com/love-2/simple-pleasures-for-your-wife-guest-post/ He talks about how much he used to suck at planning dates. He didn’t suck at it, rather, he avoided it because he thought he did. Once he got over that negative mindset, he started taking more initiative with the planning. I used to get very hurt that he wouldn’t plan dates. It was so hard on me and made me feel like he didn’t really love me as much as he said he did. It made me feel like going out with me wasn’t important to him. He is more of a homebody than I am anyways, so it didn’t bother him if we didn’t go places or do things. However, it was slowly killing me inside. I think I just finally decided that I would stop pressuring him to plan dates, and I would make the plans. I would find the sitter, I would make the plans, I would put it on his calendar and I would make sure everything was taken care of so we could go out. He would just get home from work at normal times and go where I planned for us to go. I had to swallow my pride and realize that it was much more important to me that we go out with each other than it was for me to force him to decide to take me out.
I can’t tell you what to do with your husband. You have to decide how to handle it. If you want to go to that festival, then go. Invite him to come along and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t, but you go and have a great time. He very well may get in the car with you if you tell him what time you are leaving. Or, if he thinks he has a choice in the matter, he might stay home. I don’t know.
Yeah- I feel you on just saying no from the beginning. I felt like Austin would never commit to taking me to the places I decided we should go. He would forget about the plans. In his defense, he forgets about all sorts of things though, so I tried not to read into him forgetting about dates or the fact that I wanted to go out with him. He would double book things sometimes, because he didn’t remember we had plans. He found a way to get his calendar organized so he would stop double booking things. It hurt my feelings like crazy to have him forget things. I had to overlook his forgetfulness and work with him to come up with ways for him to remember we had plans for things. He uses google calendar now. We put everything on there so that he doesn’t double book himself.
We take turns planning dates more now. This anniversary date was actually a collaboration between the two of us. It started a few weeks ago when I realized we would be kid free during the day a few days last week. I told him to pick a day we could go. Then, two days before, we started talking about what we were going to do with our day off. I started looking for things in the area we were going to go, and then he found the app. From that point, he finished making the plans. There was a time when I would have planned it all from start to finish, but over the years, he has become much more confident. We certainly don’t have it all figured out!
We don’t even get to go out like that on all of our anniversaries. Many years, we would just eat steaks my brother gave us and put kids together and eat. Last year, I believe we may have gone out for dinner. This was probably the most extravagant anniversary date we have had. 😀
I don’t get Austin to treat me lovingly, btw. I don’t control how he acts. He has made a lot of changes over the years as have I. We have both focused on meeting one another’s needs. Sometimes, we are better at it than others. Sometimes, we down right stink at meeting each other’s needs.
Keep working towards finding happiness in Christ.
I have totally done this! Sometimes life gets to be too much and all I am able to do is scream into my pillow. I don’t think it’s healthy to just keep everything pent up but there are some ways to let it out that are more acceptable than others. 😉
So true. We do have to let it out in healthy ways. 😀
Keelie, first of all, thanks for the awesome, thorough response. It is super helpful!
Second, I had to laugh at this (I’m sure it was a typo) “Many years, we would just eat steaks my brother gave us and put kids together…” Is that a polite way of saying “share romance?” I’m kidding, of course, but I did chuckle when I read that. 🙂
And third, I didn’t word that “treat lovingly” question correctly. I’m sure you don’t control your husband, or how he acts. I was just wondering if there was anything special you did or said that helped him know how you felt loved. I’m still stumbling on my words here, sorry. Anyhow, you kind of answered that question in the bulk of your comment.
Thanks for everything! I will check out the post you linked. By the way, I absolutely love how real you are. Thank you so much!
Put the kids to bed. 😀 Lol…but yeah, we did put them together too! Hahaha
I have no idea what I said to help him. we honestly didn’t understand one another all that well during many different points in our marriage. We really missed the boat with one another in regards to sexual intimacy for years. There are just times when you are going to completely misunderstand one another. I have no idea what will pull you guys out of that time, other than you just have to keep having the conversations. Austin and I have just continued to share what bothers us over and over. It is frustrating, completely annoying, and makes us both angry at times. We just keep trying to communicate ourselves to one another over the course of time. Sometimes we fight about the issue, and then see an actual break through in our communication. Some of the communication honestly has to happen on your end. You have to actually understand how something is making you feel to the point that you can clearly communicate it. You may think you are communicating your feelings, but in reality, you are assuming that your spouse knows more than they do.
Keep working at it! Try not to lose heart. I know it sucks. Thanks for commenting. I always appreciate you.
I appreciate hearing your story. Thanks for sharing the other side. I do believe the messages the purity movement wanted to send were the right ones.
I assume that means you didn’t have a good experience with the purity movement?
Happy 13th! May you have many more happy years together.
thank you so much! I hope you are having a great day. 😀
Hi Keelie,
You will laugh at this. I am such a “logical thinker” type person that on the day my husband proposed I knew what he was up to and spent a staff meeting making a pros and cons list on whether to say yes. It wasn’t so much Yes to being his wife that was in question it was the fact that we had only been officially “going out” for 3 months and many people at our church didn’t even know as neither of us are very publicaly affectionate. 🙂 I’m such a romantic I know! My long story short, I said “Yes!” and we have now been married nearly 20 years.
My marriage day was wonderful but I think the bit I remember with the biggest smile was the look on his face when he came back to the car having checked out the small “kiwi bach” (holiday house) he had hired for our honeymoon week. “They only have bunks!!!” I’ll just say we improvised and leave it at that! 🙂
That is so wonderful Ruth! I’m so glad that you said yes and have been together for so many years. Congrats. 😀
In a survey I ran, I found that women think they initiate a lot more than men give them credit for. 44% of wives claimed that they initiated more than their husbands. Only 14% of husbands said their wives initiated more often. I attribute much of this disconnect to unrecognized initiation.
I’ve also heard it suggested that asking doesn’t count as initiation. “Do you want to?” does not communicate desire but only availability or willingness. It puts the responsibility on the other person. On the other hand, “I want to” or “I want you” clearly states desire and intent. Not sure I agree with that notion 100% but it is an interesting idea.
Yeah, I can totally see how phrasing can discount it as initiating. I think that negotiating sex in marriage is so very hard.
Hey Keelie, you are so positive! I wish I could think like you. My husband doesn’t initiate and I don’t like to anymore because the rejection is hard to take, especially when I read about how much men who love their wives like sex. Mine prefers sleep.
I flirt with him, make suggestive comments. He acts like he cares, acts like he likes me, and then… falls asleep! The other night I wore purple lacy underthings and a tight pink tee shirt. It practically screamed “I want you!” Did he notice? Nope. He fell asleep. I’m not even attractive enough to keep him awake, and it hurts. I feel like the most unwanted woman on earth.
He goes on and on about loving me, and I wish he’d stop. We both know it’s untrue. He called me sexy the other day, and then he got upset when I asked him not to do that. I need to distance myself. His lack of sexual interest in me makes me feel worthless, and his sweet comments are like torture.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent my frustrations. Your suggestions are wonderful for wives who have husbands that are attracted to them. Their husbands will be blessed.
I hate that for you. I will continue to pray that God will work in both of you.
Keelie, this is a great post – it answered some of the questions I’ve had about whether or not “real people” use and like Fiverr for selling their services. Thank you for taking the time to write it!
Anytime. 🙂 I’ve been highly successful on that platform. You do have to be careful who you purchase from, because there are people on there that are trying to game the system. However, I’ve been successful as a seller and plenty of people have been successful as buyers.
Thanks, Keelie! I have heard mixed reviews on Fiverr but now your post, as well as one lady in a VA networking group who gave me some ideas, have shown me it can be a big help! I’ve been debating starting up on it after I have my summer vacation.
good luck on it for you Helen. I’ve had so much success there that I do recommend it to others. I will say that not everyone has as much luck as I’ve had, but really, I don’t think it hurts to try it. I have made a lot of money off of that platform…way more than a part time salary now. In fact, I’m headed towards earning a full time salary through my writing clients. Every year that I’ve been writing, I earn more.
Hiya Keelie, I love the heart and humility of this post in recognising that none of us are immune to sin. I do wonder though if our focus ought to be on pursuing holiness rather than “avoiding” sin. I suspect that you wouldn’t disagree with me so I guess I am just throwing out what you probably assumed was a given. If we are spending time seeking to love our spouses well and with godliness, then the chances of unfaithfulness are diminshed. Just like driving a car, we need to be aware of potential hazards but focused on driving straight down the road. Just a thought and would love to have your feedback in it.
I agree Ruth, we do absolutely need to be focused on living a holy life. I think that avoiding sin is certainly part of that pursuit since the scriptures teach us to run from the very appearance of temptations. You are right, I should have put some focus on that also, because I can see how it sounds like I’m saying to avoid a list of rules. So thankful you pointed that out. 😀 I appreciate it.
Keelie, this is awesome! I pray my family will grow into a large, Christian, supportive family for my children and their children, etc. My husband and I (and praise God, now both our teen boys) are the only believers on both sides of our family. We have been basically guidance-less, and have had to muddle through this marriage mess on our own. Now that we know the Lord, we’ve had His help, and that’s the only way we’ve made it.
We had no pre-marital counseling of any kind. The minister had us meet with him to discuss the fees, and whether or not we wanted a unity candle. That was the extent of it. Being as we were both unsaved and this was a mainline denomination, we had no clue anyway, so we thought it was all normal.
We don’t really have any Christian friends, or many friends at all for that matter. We go to a HUGE church, where everyone already knows each other, so it’s kinda hard to get plugged in. But we have each other! And although we’ve been married for over 20 years and are in our early 40s, in many ways I feel like we’re just beginning.
So your website is great, even for old folks like me! I applaud your family for having such an encouraging gathering to love on and guide a young couple. Most of what I know from my family of origin is ridicule and discouragement. But I’m finally trying to move past that. I want better for my children. And my marriage.
I used to scoff at your date night ideas, because of my low opinion of myself, and my beliefs that I wasn’t attractive or important to my husband, so why would he want to date me. But we’ve had some deep, growing conversations lately, and I think I’m gonna give this date stuff a try. After all, you shouldn’t knock it til you try it, right?
Keep up the good work.
Well said! I know that many people come from situations just like you, my own husband as well. His family has had divorce after divorce and zero clue. They are not supportive, not because they don’t want to be, they just don’t know how to be. It is hard to navigate relationships, even under the best of circumstances.
I applaud you for your passion to raise your children differently. That is wonderful.
I feel you on the church situation. My husband has been a pastor for over 10 years, and we’ve been very lonely at several of the churches. It’s saddening to me that families feel the weight of doing everything themselves when as a body of Christ we should be reaching out and lifting one another up.
Keep working at it. Your marriage can go deeper as you seek the Lord. He has so many great things for you and your husband!
Yes, I’m very blessed that I was adopted into a family that loves the Lord and has overcome their difficult pasts.
Ahhh….no. 🙂
Well, the first part I’m good with. I think my husband is hot and handsome and I tell him something all the time.
However, I know he doesn’t really think I’m attractive or pretty, and so I cannot believe him when he says that he does. For the following reasons:
1. I’m not his type. He is attracted to women that look nothing like me. I’m really not even sure why he ever even asked me out. I’m guessing he was bored. Any time I have ever seen him notice another woman she has been short and brunette. I am neither.
2. Growing up, I was reminded by relatives every day how ugly I was. From the time I can remember until….
3. I have a mirror.
He does sometimes act grumpy that I don’t believe him, but he’s just acting that way to try to get me to believe words that I know he just thinks he’s “supposed to” say.
Sorry! I’ll do part A any day, but part B is too much for me. Great advice for the prettier wives, though! And I do agree husbands need to be reassured of their attractiveness.
It truly sucks to be married to someone you can’t trust to be honest. I’m sorry
Looks like you guys had great fun with music. Thanks for sharing you experience with all.
I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Hi Keelie,
I’m sorry if my comment was offensive. This kind of post just strikes a nerve because I don’t believe my husband finds me attractive, and I so long to know what that feels like. I’m sorry if I come off as a “Debbie Downer”. I should keep my negative thoughts to myself. My marriage is really not that bad, I’m afraid I give the wrong impression. I will never know if he’s being honest or not, but I can’t bring myself to believe he finds me attractive. I’m sorry.
I think you give great advice, sometimes I just have a hard time following it.
Whether he’s lying to you about the way he feels about the way you look, or you have very low self esteem. Either, that’s a problem in your marriage that I encourage you to deal with. Recognize if the problem is the way you view yourself, or his credibility. I’m glad you follow along. You must share the things you’re feeling.
I love this post! You are an incredible person, thank you for sharing your beautiful words and encouragement
Thank you so much Mrs. Rhonda. 🙂
Funn story .. I enjoyed it very much
Thanks 🙂
I have sexy pictures I will sometimes send my husband that I store and send through KeepSafe. It’s an app that locks and needs a password to view pictures. These pictures won’t show up in my regular photos. A great way to keep your kids from “accidentally” stumbling across them. 😉
That’s a great idea! We have used something called the Couples App that is passworded and doesn’t store on your phone either. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes when we’ve been married a long time, we forget about this. It’s always fun to have a spark! 🙂 Thank you for sharing with us at the #HomeMattersParty
Yes, I agree! It is so important to flirt and keep that spark going. 🙂
I’ve been wanting to do a post on boudoir photography for some time now. It’s not all that difficult a DIY game for a couple to do especially with phones now having high quality cameras in them and mini SD cards for storage that you can password protect.
I would still encourage buying a camera. For way less than the price of a phone you can get some 12+ megapixel cameras and not have to worry about photos being sent to the cloud and the SD card is removable for privacy, You don’t even have to store the photos on your computer. You just read the card, take it out when done and store it in a secure place. You can even password protect the files.
Cloud storage is something that should have always been an opt-in feature to begin with for photos and texts and not a feature you have to disable or jump through a bunch of hoops to defeat. A big screen prompt should read “SEND TO CLOUD?” with the “NO” button the first one right next to the prompt so you can’t accidentally send. And if you click “YES” it should always ask for a confirmation before sending. So much grief so easily avoided.
Oh, I completely agree. It can be very disconcerting to have your stuff uploading to the cloud. You can always use an app on your phone like Snapchat or the Couples app.
A camera would be a good investment, too.
Thanks for the idea, i’m gonna print my own game asap.
That is exciting. 🙂 Hope you like it.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” If a man didn’t consider a woman attractive, at least on some level, he would not have pursued her. Tastes change and we learn to appreciate something over time. At sixty-four I see many older women that I consider attractive. I would not have at thirty-four. Believe it or not, a man is able to see certain parts of his wife as wonderful while not noticing other parts. My wife has stretch marks from three pregnancies. She has to call my attention to them for me to see them. I hardly ever even notice them. Love does something special in this regard. Believe it, ladies. Because I love my wife, I never tire of seeing her body. We walk around in the buff, take showers together, and I spend wonderful times just staring at her lady parts. They are a never-ceasing joy to me, and we’ve been married over forty years. A man in love appreciates his wife’s body in ways that his wife cannot even begin to understand. You will never understand why, but you cheat yourself when you don’t believe him.
So very well said! Thanks so much for that Charlie. I am very happy to hear another husband weigh in on this issue.
Sorry Keelie,
It might just be me but I am not getting any audio on your video. Just thought I would give you a heads up so you can try to fix it. I hope you can. 🙂
Oh man, really? I’ll check it out. I know some of my videos the other day didn’t seem to be doing the sound right. Thanks for letting me know!
Hey there, I have switched out the video and it should be working now. 🙂 Thanks for letting me know.
I haven’t read The Happiness Dare yet, but I’ve been hearing about it from everybody. Maybe I need to read it, too! And I also love thrifting… I like to go get books for my kids at thrift stores. I also homeschool, and good books are a must, but there’s not really extra money in the budget for a lot of books right now. But I’ve found some really great ones for a dollar at the thrift store! 🙂 Blessings and grace, Tasha
I’m really enjoying the happiness dare. 🙂 It’s been good for me.
I find books at the thrift store here too. They usually run $0.25 unless they are having a bag sale. It is cheaper to go there and buy book then to drive to the nearest library and check them out.
I’m buying homeschool curriculum now. It is so pricey as they get older in grades. I’m doing everything I can to get it off of ebay for cheap and used!
I love this! I always feel like I cannot be as happy as I want to be because I’m worried about what will be taken from me tomorrow. I must remind myself that worry only takes away from today’s happiness. Thanks for sharing your happiness journey.
I’m so glad that this helped you. I really love Jennifer’s book. 🙂
Hi Keelie,
You look so cute in your photos!
You have so many great ideas, and I wish I had the confidence to try them out. I think your photo shoot idea would be great for the pretty girls. I do not like the way I look, and I look hideous in every photo ever taken of me. I used to toss out any photos that I was in, but then someone said “if something happens to you, your kids will be sad that they don’t have any photos.” So now I just tuck them away. Anyhow, I struggle with believing my husband finds me even remotely attractive, and so I don’t know if I could go through with something like this. Maybe someday, once I get out of my own way. But it’s a great idea.
I hoping that one day I will find a way to find myself good enough to take part in some of your ideas, because most of them sound really fun.
It is very hard to put yourself out there on camera, I agree. I encourage you to start out by taking selfies. That is how I felt more confident with being in pictures. I used to hate the way I looked too. Selfies actually did a lot to help me.
I was wondering if you knew of a website that my wife and I could get personalized stories that we could then act out? We’ve seen a website called either married fire of marriage heat…I can’t remember which but once we signed up for stories, we never received anything. It’s definitely not a necessity but I think would be nice. Thanks!!
I personally do not like Married Heat because I think they are way too descriptive with their stories. However, if you go to Married Christian Sex http://marriedchristiansex.com/ you can have random stories generated for you and your spouse. 🙂
Please add me to your posts
I’ve sent you a message!
I love this concept Kellie! Kudos to you!
Thanks so much Clarissa. 🙂
What a fun idea! Your pictures are very cute, and your tips are great. Thanks for sharing at #HomeMattersParty!
Always happy to come by. 🙂
I really enjoyed reading your review! Enough that I’m going to check out Melt for myself!
That’s great to hear Colin! We really enjoyed the course and have loved how it makes it easier for us to massage each other. 🙂
Sorry, I need to amend my earlier comment. Of course, I didn’t post the “Marriage Mistakes…”, and I’d like to re-word what I did post, so you can delete the entire thing. Sorry.
Sure, I’ve deleted it. 🙂
Hi there! Love your post, but please think long and hard before giving someone Christmas stuff for their winter birthday. My bday is just a few days away from Christmas and I don’t like it. It was never special. As a child, my sisters birthday was special, but mine was often overlooked because “it’s so close to Christmas!” Aunts would give my older sister a sweater and jeans for Christmas. I’d get the sweater for my birthday and the jeans for Christmas. Sure, I sound selfish, but it bothered me as a kid. All of my birthday presents were wrapped in Christmas paper. As an adult, this is kind of a joke, but anyone who knows me well and loves me wraps my birthday gifts in regular paper. It’s just something that makes it stand out, you know? Like I’m not just being lumped in with the rest of the holiday celebrations. You can give me a pack of gum and I will be thrilled if it’s wrapped in plain paper instead of Christmas wrap. 🙂 One of the sweetest things my husband ever did was, he bought me a charm for a bracelet – the jewelry store wrapped it for him, in Christmas paper! He came home, unwrapped it, and rewrapped it himself in regular paper. I absolutely love him for that! It sounds crazy, but that gesture meant more to me than the charm itself. It was a very loving and thoughtful thing to do.
Christmas is great, don’t get me wrong. I’m just not super crazy about being an afterthought. As a mom, I totally understand the rush of the Christmas season, and I don’t even care so much if people even forget my birthday at this point. But as a child, I would have liked a little bit more of the same treatment as my sister, instead of it all being lumped together.
Just a little input from a close-to-Christmas baby. 🙂
I understand where you are coming from! I have a son, a niece, and a nephew that have birthdays near Christmas. We all try to do something special for them.
I suspect my guest writer probably doesn’t have a December birthday. Great points from you! 🙂
My wife will do it with me if I ask, but I can tell she’s not into it. She never initiates either. I’ve stopped asking for a number of years; why should two people suffer rather than one? Now I just masturbate to porn when I’m doing number two, and visit a prostitute on occasion. When people tell me that sex is a gift from God, I wish so much I had a way to return it to the store; it’s nothing but a sick scam or a really poorly implemented product. Oh and as strongly recommended, we saved ourselves too till after our wedding day; big difference that made.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in a sexless marriage. That hurts my heart Sex is a gift from God my friend. However, people are sinful, and we do sinful things.
I encourage you to share this article with your wife if she’ll read it – http://sixseeds.patheos.com/askshaunti/2015/05/how-often-do-men-need-to-have-sex/.
I encourage you to read these articles- http://fightthenewdrug.org/40-reasons-you-should-quit-watching-porn-today/,http://sexwithinmarriage.com/bait-switch/
Good game……………
Thank you!
I’ve never seen a lava rock oven! How does it work?