My Personal Confessions of Questioning God

As I sit here in the aftermath of it all, it is a bitter feeling that succumbs me. A week with some of my dearest friends is now over. I walked them to their truck, said goodbye, and walked back to my house without watching them back out of the driveway. The scene was too difficult for me to watch. And I cry out, “Why God?”. Why? I just don’t know that answer as to why these people have to live so far away from me. Since the day I was married and moved away from my home town, I’ve never had friends as close to me as this. What a lonely feeling I wallow in at the moment. I hate that they are not in my life every day and that we no longer have the wealth of shared experiences that we had when they lived so close to us. There are many many things I miss.

 

Searching For Answers

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And again, I say, “Why God?”. Why didn’t it work out for us to move close to them this year? Why did that whole idea suddenly go away? I am still not sure why this isn’t God’s plan. Why is it that we are sentenced to a life apart and not together. They are people that I need in my life. I haven’t had the real conversations that I had this week in a long time.

 

Remembering The Hard Days

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All of the people that live nearby me are the ones that were not close to us during our most difficult days over the last two years. I don’t think they understand us like my dear friends; the ones that just started their trek back to their new home. There are so many things that I have gone through, that only my dear friend know. They saw it firsthand. They were here with us during those days of trial. We are still going through so much, yet they are not with me now. We keep up through phone calls and skype, but having them here, in my face is so much better.

 

Remembering the Good Days

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My heart was happy while they were here, yet so very sad at the same time. So, so very sad. I didn’t even know how to keep myself from feeling sad in the seconds they were away. It was so hard for me every time I was alone while they were here. Each ride in the car that they trailed behind, I sat quiet as we made our way to a mutual destination. Every time they were away for even a short period of time, I wondered why they couldn’t live here.

 

Realizing the Future

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It is so clear that they miss parts of this life. The roads have diverged for us, and I hung it up that we would raise our children together. What a hard breath that was for me to draw the day I realized that we wouldn’t be raising our children the way we hoped. We were working together and holding each other accountable in parenting. During these days that they were with us, we were doing it again. There is already the established boundaries between us, and we already understand each other and know each other. There is no awkwardness between us now. What will I do now?

 

With each passing day that goes by, I know that God has a plan. It is so hard to sit and wait in these times, not knowing what will take place. At the same time, I can’t imagine not having the hope that there is a God that loves me. Even when circumstances do not make sense, He is still in control.

Maybe you are going through a time in your life that is difficult and you aren’t sure how things will turn out. Know that you are not alone and hang on to the hope that God loves you.

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