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We Listen to Your Questions

We have one of two types of readers that write to me. 1. The spouse that can’t figure out why their spouse isn’t listening to them. 2. The spouse that knows there is a problem and is actively seeking help.

Which spouse are you?

Guys, we can’t fix it for you. We really can’t. But, we do listen. I’m amazed at the number of readers who write in because they don’t have anyone they feel comfortable talking to about their private concerns. I get it. You have to be careful who you talk to and who you trust.

You can always write in and share what’s going on in your life. Austin and I listen to your questions and concerns. Email me keelie@lovehopeadventure and austin@lovehopeadventure.

Other things on my mind this week:

What to do When Your Spouse Changes For The Worst

Things I Learned My First Year of Marriage 

Body Jewelry Can be Used as Lingerie

Memorial Day- Remembering Freedom’s Price

Memorial Day is a day to reflect on the price of freedom. A price is always paid for someone else to be free. This holiday was established for us to thank those that have paid high prices for us to have the opportunities we have.

Memorial Day is a day to reflect on the price of freedom. A price is always paid for someone else to be free. This holiday was established for us to thank those that have paid high prices for us to have the opportunities we have.

These Memorial Day thoughts on freedom were submitted anonymously by one who served.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  John 15:13

“Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: Jesus Christ and the American G.I. One died for your soul; the other for your freedom! Freedom is not free; it is bought with the blood of another.”  Anonymous

I have had the privilege of serving in one of the most elite Army aviation units in the world and each one of us would have given our lives to protect the life of a brother—and for you to be able to enjoy your freedoms. In December 2000, I was released from duty on a Family Care Separation due to being awarded custody of my two young sons.

At that time, I had no intention of leaving the military, but it was in the best interest of my children to do so. Just over nine months later America would be attacked by a force that would falter at nothing in order to destroy the heart of America.

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On 9/11/01 the lives of everyone I know and love were changed forever. As the events were unfolding on 9/11, it was like a punch to the throat. I knew my brothers were going to deploy very quickly to wherever in the world this attack had originated. It was obvious our national interests were under attack based on the targets hit.

Making a phone call to my former unit wishing them well and offering prayers for their safety in their mission, I also made the decision that I would return to my unit to serve. My family situation had changed making that possible.

Mom and I had a discussion when I called to let her know my decision. She told me I couldn’t go back in the Army because I had two boys who needed me. My response was that was where I was needed. She persisted, as did I.

My argument was “she could explain to the families of those who had just lost their lives that my life was more important than those lost.” I completely understood her concern as a mother who had already had one son deployed during the first Desert Storm. She was undoubtedly concerned. I did what I needed to do.

February 22, 2002, my unit lost an aircraft with 14 souls on board. March 4, 2002, I lost a very close friend on a mountaintop in Afghanistan due to injuries sustained from enemy fire. Though I have lost several brothers in arms, I would not change any of it. I know all of them would, without a doubt, do it all over again for God, Country, and Family.

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These men gave their lives along with so many others I did not know to protect the rights and freedoms many Americans take for granted each and every day. Even with the physical pain and heartache, I deal with daily—even should it have cost my life here, I would do it all again for your rights and freedoms. Every American G.I. signs that blank check up to and including his life, for your rights and freedoms as Americans.

“I serve with the memory and pride of those who have gone before me for they loved to fight, fought to win and would rather die that quit.  ”Nightstalkers Don’t Quit (Night Stalker Creed)

Even greater, Jesus Christ knew His life was the price to be paid to wash all our sins away and give us eternal life, to free us from slavery to the things that keep us from living the life God desires for us here, and for eternity in His presence. Without His undying love, and resurrection, we would never have this hope—and He did it for us while we were His enemy. “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Romans 5:8

*All images are used with permission

Understanding Sexual Arousal

I thought this was a really great explanation from El Fury about some people get sexually aroused and then act on the sexual arousal. others aren’t aroused until something sexual is going on. It can cause all types of confusion for both sides.

Understanding Sexual Arousal

One spouse may think, “Why are they after me all the time? Is sex all they think about?”. The other spouse may think, “Why do they never initiate? Why aren’t they ever in the mood?”. When you don’t understand your own sexual tendencies, it can be just as confusing.

One spouse may say, “Why don’t I ever want sex?”. The other spouse may say, “Why do I want sex right now? This is the most inopportune time.” I think it is really important that we figure out our own patterns and our spouse’s patterns.

Being in the Mood or Not

It’s really common to not be, “In the mood” until things start feeling good. It’s just as common to be “in the mood” when nothing is going on at all. 

You can check out what he said in his post, Spontaneous and Responsive Sexuality.

10 Marriage Tips I Wish I Knew 15 Years Ago

Although I’ve been married for 15 years, I only recently had some marriage revelations a few years ago. You can learn quite a bit about a person when you spend that much time with them. You also learn a lot about them that you didn’t know before you got married.

If we’re all honest with ourselves, we have no idea what we’re doing in this thing called marriage. When we get married, we try the best we can and hope everything turns out okay. But, it can be more than just okay! I want to share 10 bits of marriage advice that I wish I figured out earlier in marriage.

1. You Are A Team

When you live together you learn a lot about one another. Sometimes things happen in life that cause you to disagree and fight against one another. Remember, you are a team and working together is a win for your marriage. I wish I made the decision early on to keep this mindset.

2. Make Time to Initiate Sex

Early on in our marriage, I rarely let my husband know I wanted sex. I basically waited for him to make the move. Now, several year later, I understand the importance of both us making time to get excited about making love.

3. Sex Isn’t Just About Making Babies

When you both feel you’re ready to have children, it’s easy to make every moment all about making babies. Although it’s a special time for both of you, this mindset is a quick way to take the fun out of making love.

4. Put Some Distance Between You and the In-Laws

This is one I actually did right! We never lived near either set of parents. This made it easier to avoid drama or unannounced visits.

5. Don’t Let Anger Consume You

I don’t find it difficult to forgive so I did not think holding onto anger would be an issue. Through the course of our marriage, we both did some things that resulted in hurt feelings. I struggled with some anger and held grudges that I shouldn’t have.

6. Consider Your Spouse’s Thoughts

It’s easy to think that your spouse is intentionally causing you some pain. But the real issue is that you may have some things you need to work through. Sit down and talk it out. Your spouse may not realize they did something to offend you.

7. Indulge Each Other’s Daydreams

Even if you’re not a daydreamer, it’s a good idea to encourage your spouse if they enjoy doing that. While it may sound unrealistic to you, it’s important not to squash their hopes and dreams.

8. Flirt With Each Other

When we were first dating, I made googly eyes at my husband quite often. When we got married, I didn’t do it anymore. Years later, I realized that it’s so important to find little ways to flirt.

9. Tackle Finances Together

I handled the finances for several years after we got married. My husband didn’t have a desire to do any of it. Now, we both take part in the responsibility and it’s made us aware of how we budget and save.

10. Say Thank You Every Day

It’s easier to go about your day and settle in your routine without thinking about it. Saying two simple words makes a huge difference in your relationship. It’s encouraging to both of you and strengthens your relationship.

 

These are 10 of the most important pieces of marriage advice that I wish I knew before I got married. They’re simple things that strengthen your marriage and bring you closer together.

* I use affiliate links*

Body Jewelry Makes Great Lingerie

I really love to wear big pieces of jewelry that stand out. Certain types of jewelry can take a simple outfit and turn it into something that is dressed up.

I’ve had some pieces that hook around my neck and hang down to my waist like a shirt. That’s why I wanted to try this jewelry shirt. (ignore the scantily clad women).

Big Jewelry Makes Great Lingerie

Finding lingerie that fits can be a challenge. I’ve said before that jewelry can be a great alternative to lingerie. Accessories are a great alternative for guys for lingerie, too. Seeing as how there is very little in the way of lingerie options for men, accessories is about all you have anyways.

Use Jewelry as a Tease

If you have a piece of jewelry that you generally wear during sex, why not wear it out on date night. It is a great way to tease your spouse and build anticipation for what’s to come later on. Besides, jewelry can be out in the open and no one will even know what’s going on.

Here’s a picture of my new jewelry shirt on our date out in San Francisco. As you can see, it’s completely appropriate!

body jewelry can be used as lingerie and out in public

*I use affiliate links

Some Things You’ll Learn The First Year Of Marriage

My husband and I dated for a little over five years. Once we got married I didn’t realize just how much different marriage would be. My now husband and I was very familiar with each other, but we still learned some new things about each other that first year.

My husband and I dated for a little over five years. Once we got married I didn’t realize just how much different marriage would be. My now husband and I was very familiar with each other, but we still learned some new things about each other that first year.

1.  Sharing Rooms Can Be Hard

My husband and I had never really shared rooms before and that can kinda made it hard. Especially delegating a place for everything. It can be difficult trying to find a happy medium.

2. Chores Are For Everyone

Once we got married we had to come up with a plan for getting the chores done. Living on your own is different because you are now responsible for the entire household. It is best to sit down and come up with a plan beforehand to save yourself some future trouble.

3. Sleeping in a Bed Together Is Hard

Depending on the personalities bed sharing can be hard. I am a light sleeper and my husband likes to squirm around more than I like. Some nights I still do not know how to handle his squirminess.

4. You Have to Clean up After Sex

Very seldom have I ever heard someone say that sex is messy. I’m not sure how I missed this fact. Once your lovemaking is over stuff can get very messy and you are going to need to clean up. I think Sheila breaks a lot of myths in her book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

5. Planning Your Holidays

My spouse and I used to spend all holidays with our own family without sharing. Holidays can cause a lot of conflicts when you first get married if you do not plan ahead. Planning out your holiday schedules and keeping your family informed will help keep the disagreements at bay.

6. We Both Have Unique Taste

I did not realize that once I was married I would have to figure out how to style rooms that suited the both of us. Decorating can be hard when you have different taste in style. Another hard one is cooking, especially if one has a much wider palette than the other.

7. They Say Opposites Attract

I have always heard that opposites attract, but it can be very difficult if your a morning person and your spouse is a night owl. There is a learning curve when it comes to the different personalities and learning how to work together. It will take time and patience.

 

That first year of marriage is spent learning everything about each other. Even with all the challenges, I did enjoy my first year of marriage!

*I use affiliate links

What to do When Your Spouse Changes For The Worst

What happens when you suddenly wake up and wonder what happened to the person you married? It can be very unsettling and frustrating to realize that the person you fell in love with is not the same inside as they were when you got married.

What happens when you suddenly wake up and wonder what happened to the person you married? It can be very unsettling and frustrating to realize that the person you fell in love with is not the same inside as they were when you got married.

Some change is a good thing and that can be positive for the person. But what are you supposed to do when your spouse makes changes that you don’t consider to be positive? That might be something had for you to deal with.

Over time, everyone changes, whether we know it or not. Hopefully, these things can happen when a change occurs that you aren’t a fan of.

Have Patience With Your Spouse

The changes you see in your spouse might not be perpetual. We all go through those “rock and a hard place” moments and you’re not sure if it’s going to pass. If the changes just happened and haven’t been going on for very long, maybe give them some time. It might be that they are going through a difficult and time will go back to how they have always been.

Try To Find The Bright Side When There Is a Change

Try to find the good in the changes that you have taken note of. Try not to dwell solely on the bad, it doesn’t all have to be a negative change. It might take a little bit of time, but try to get some different perspective on the changes.

Support Them in Being Their True to Themselves

I know it can be hard to encourage your spouse to live their true self with you aren’t entirely happy with the change. You don’t want to damage your marriage by making someone feel bad about themselves. No one wants to feel unloved because of who they have become.

Don’t Attempt To Change Them

I know this is difficult, but trying to change a person doesn’t work. Understand that people are going to do what they want and you can’t change them. It is inevitably up to the person to change. Understand that they might not be aware of the ways that they have changed. So have an open dialogue about it without attacking them.

Address Issues, Not Identity Qualities

If you have an issue with something your spouse is doing or saying, you need to address it. You need to know going into the conversation not to attack their personality. If something is truly bothering you with a change that has happened.

No one ever stays the same, change is something that happens to everyone. Allow your spouse to be who they are and, in spite of changes, love them. Marriage can be difficult and it’s up to both of you to communicate and fight for each other.

Help Your Spouse With Their Body Image Issues

I’m a huge proponent of spouses supporting each other through body image issues. I think this is something both husbands and wives deal with. Having a poor image of yourself affects so many areas of your life.

I asked Jennifer Dawson to share a few of her tips on how to help your spouse with these issues.

Here is what she has to say-

 Body image issues affect many individuals during one stage of their life or another. According to DoSomething.org, 91% of American females are unhappy with their bodies, but, when your partner is experiencing severe body image issues, it’s vital you stand by your vows and support them through it. After all, the key to a healthy marriage is love, communication and comforting each other in sickness and in health.

Body image issues affect many individuals during one stage of their life or another. According to DoSomething.org, 91% of American females are unhappy with their bodies, but, when your partner is experiencing severe body image issues, it’s vital you stand by your vows and support them through it. After all, the key to a healthy marriage is love, communication and comforting each other in sickness and in health.

Listen To Their Complaints

It’s important you take the time to understand how your spouse perceives their body and the root cause of any issues they have. Ask questions to help boost your understanding and ensure you give your partner the opportunity to speak up and express their true feelings.


When your partner expresses dissatisfaction about their body, it’s easy to respond by saying the way they’re feeling isn’t true and isn’t how you see them; however, this often doesn’t make them feel any better about their appearance. Instead, praise them on non appearance related traits and characteristics as this will enhance their confidence and show you love and care for them.

Find Ways to Support Them

Your other half may decide to take action to transform their body image and to improve their self-confidence. Whether they opt to start a new diet, take on an intense fitness routine or are keen on aesthetic and cosmetic body adaptation options, you should provide support and encouragement at all times.

Things you can do to show your support are to help keep their diet on track by changing your eating habits, join your partner on their morning run and read up on surgical procedures together so you can have an open and frank discussion about them, as well as reviewing the cost.

Spend One on One Time Together

When something as significant as body image is affecting you, it can be difficult to think of anything else. This is where spouses play a vital role as when you recognize that your partner is having a particularly bad day. Make a conscious effort to pick your partner up by treating them to a special day out. Limit your influences.

Don’t take your spouse to the beach or a store with half-naked people if it feeds their poor self-image. Instead, head to the movie or enjoy a long stroll in the park together where you can make the most of some quality time together.

Understanding your partner’s body issues is essential in supporting them. To do this you need to communicate with your spouse and ask appropriate probing questions regarding their concerns. You should show encouragement for any decisions they make and, where possible, take their mind off the way they’re feeling by enjoying some one to one time together.