At some point or another, you are going to deal with resentment in your marriage. This can cause you and your spouse to have a lot of arguments and hurt if you do not work through your feelings.
Identify Where The Resentment is Coming From
This might seem like a no-brainer, but it can actually be really hard to figure out where the resentment you feel is coming from. You know you are upset by their action, but you might not have figured out why.
Do some soul searching so that you understand yourself. If you don’t take the time to figure out your issues before going to them, it can go badly for you.
Talk the problem out with a friend ahead of time. This will help you to gain some perspective on the situation. Be sure to go to a friend that will help you sort through it, and not just take your side because they like you. You need someone who will look at it fairly.
And then talk to your spouse. You have to communicate with your spouse. In good times, it’s easy. In bad times, it’s tough. Everyone goes through this. But being able to talk to your spouse, openly and honestly, and get each of your feelings on the table is how healing starts. I wrote a blog about controlling your tongue, and how it’s the most important thing you can do change your marriage. Which is not about a list of things you can’t say. It’s about where your heart is, controlling yourself, and changing your attitude. You can read more here.
Share Your Feelings With Your Spouse
A lot of times, we feel resentful about a situation, but never take the time to share our feelings with our spouse. It is really important that you have a conversation with them even if you don’t think they will respond well.
Sharing the way they have made you feel about the situation is the second step you need to take after figuring out how you feel about the issue.
Forgive Your Spouse
Most resentment is due to the fact that you haven’t forgiven your spouse for the offense or set of offenses. There is no way to really get through your feelings if you haven’t forgiven them.
They may not think they have done anything wrong, meaning, they will refuse to ask for forgiveness. If you’ve gone to them and they don’t understand where you are coming from, you will have to find a way to forgive them on your end.
Many times, our spouse has no intentions of hurting us. When we tell them they have hurt us, they might not understand why and dismiss it. While that is the wrong way to handle it on their part, it doesn’t mean they do not love you and the situation can’t be worked through. It just means you will have to approach it differently.
Figure Out How to Stop Feeling Resentful
It is not your spouse’s job to keep you from feeling resentful. You have to make the necessary changes to let go of the resentment you feel about behavior or situation and then keep from feeling that way in the future.
For example, if you feel resentment that your spouse doesn’t buy you things you like on your birthday, then you need to make some changes. You can decide that you will give them a list telling them exactly what you want, or you can go buy it yourself, or something else.
It might not seem fair that you are the one that has to make the changes so that you can stop feeling the resentment. Here’s the thing – resentment destroys you – not them. Fair or not, if you want to be emotionally healthy, you have to do what it takes to stop feeling resentment about the things your spouse is or isn’t doing. Once you can overcome resentment, you can work on strengthening your marriage and your building up your love for one another.
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