I received this question through my anonymous questions form.
I’ve been married for almost 15 years and we have 3 kids together. I’m about 50 pounds heavier than I’d like to be and my husband won’t have sex with me because of it. So basically, he’s not attracted to me. We have t had sex in months and even for the past year when we’ve tried he can’t sustain an erection. I’m working on losing weight but it doesn’t just happen. I feel very resentful toward my spouse and yet I want sex!
Well, the first thing I want to share with this reader is that I’m sorry! I’m always sad when couples are going through painful struggles in their marriage.
Here’s a few things I’d like to address in this question:
My Spouse Isn’t Attracted To Me
I’ve had people write in to me before and tell me that they aren’t attracted to their spouse anymore. This is an article I wrote for the person that is struggling to be attracted to their husband or wife.
In this case, the reader is the one their spouse doesn’t feel attracted to. So, what should she do? These are a few things I recommend:
Find Your Worth in Christ
Right now, you probably feel very insecure about the way you look and down on yourself. I encourage you to read the scripture Psalm 139:14 and cling to it:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
This verse tells you that you are God’s creation and that He makes wonderful things. There will always be people in this world that will tell you otherwise. But you must cling to what you know the Bible says to be true.
Focus On Your Health
Losing weight is a very hard thing to do. I know that. In fact, I spent years trying to figure out how to lose weight from my kids and finally had success when I stopped eating gluten and dairy. Being allergic to things keeps you from weight loss.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you stop eating certain food groups or that you even lose the 50 pounds. What I am saying is that you should focus on your health. It’s your health, your body, and you that has the right to decide what you want to do with it.
I Want Sex!
I hear you. Sex is something God gave us to feel close to our spouse and intimate with them. There’s more going on here than the lack of physical intimacy. Without it, it affects your emotional intimacy as well. Refusing sex with your spouse causes you to feel unloved.
He Can’t Keep His Erection
In addition to not emotionally wanting sex with you, you say he’s struggling to keep his erection. There are a lot of reasons erectile dysfunction can occur. The question I have is this the core problem? Has he been having a hard time getting and keeping an erection before placing the blame on your weight?
Or, is there something else that is causing him to struggle to keep his erection? Maybe he’s been looking at porn and spending time on masturbation without you. It could be some other deep issue he’s dealing with. It’s likely not got to do with your weight gain and more to do with some other struggle or sin he’s going through.
It’s Time to Get Marriage Counseling
Right now, your husband is telling you that he doesn’t want sex with you because of your weight, but what about when your boobs are sagging to your knees? The truth is, the problem here may not have anything to do with how you look and everything to do with underlying problems in the marriage. It’s time for you to get counseling.
If your husband won’t go with you, then go on your own. Since you are growing in resentment towards him, those are emotions you need to deal with.
I hope that you can work through this with him and grow in a deeper relationship with each other.