Oh…so you’re married to mind reader, right? I didn’t think so. If you were, then you could keep going with the tactics you are using for communicating what you wish they knew.
Since you’re not married to someone that can read your mind, then it is time you use your words…and not just any words, but ones your spouse can understand.
It is very important to speak plainly and clearly. I’m not saying that your spouse is going to do exactly what you are asking one they understand. What I am saying, is that you have no chance of them doing what you hope for if they don’t know you are asking for it.
Communication About Sexual Intimacy Can Be Confusing
One of the biggest areas couples struggle to communicate well in, is in their sex life. In the movies, everyone seems to be on the same page with sexual desires. Here in the real world, it is much different than that.
In movies, if you see someone start kissing, you know they are going to take their clothes off. In the real world, you aren’t going to have sex every time you kiss. This is why I think it can become so confusing for a couple.
You are likely going to show some amount of physical affection towards your spouse that doesn’t lead to intercourse. How are they supposed to know the difference between you getting a little hot and heavy and actually wanting to take to the next step if you don’t come out and say it?
Use the Words, “Can We Have Sex?”
At some point, while you and your spouse are interacting physically, it would be a good idea to come right out and ask, “Can we have sex?”.
I said this on Periscope the other day, and someone watching said they thought it would kill the moment to do that. I completely disagree. We are talking about real-life sex here, not what you see in movies.
In real life, we have to use our words to communicate. Normally, we aren’t reading from the same script…heck…we’re lucky if we are even in the same show.
Come right out and ask the question in a pointed way.
Keep Talking During Your Time Together
Don’t let your communication stop once you decide to progress. Keep using your words and come right out and say what you need or want. It is ok to talk during sex…in fact, I highly encourage it.
Get this idea out of your head that your spouse is going to respond the way you want them to if you just nudge them a little or kiss them a certain way. Use your words.
I’d like for you to kiss me here
I want you to touch me there
Can we get into this position?
Would you slow down a bit
I would like you to go a little faster
I’m not saying that you need to give your spouse command after command, but if something isn’t working for you, or you think something would work better, speak up!
Let Them Know When You’re Satisfied
Neither spouse should walk away from a sexual experience wondering if the other person reached the big O. When you are satisfied or reach that point, tell your spouse in the moment. This is very important for women. With men, it’s pretty obvious that they are done, but not as much with women.
For goodness sake…don’t fake it either. If you can’t get there, then just tell your spouse you aren’t going to make it. Don’t let them walk away thinking you had an experience that you didn’t have.
Don’t Forget the Pillow Talk
After you are done being with one another, take a few minutes to talk. The communication should continue on after you are through.
Your conversations with your spouse can be short, but they should exist. Ask them if they enjoyed themselves. Find out what they liked specifically about that time together. Don’t just get up and go clean up without talking.
Give Them Pointers For Next Time
Sometimes, you don’t want to kill the moment while you are in the midst of having sex. However, if you guys tried something that didn’t work well for you, then give your spouse a few pointers for next time. Be open and honest, but keep your voice soft.
Using your words when it comes to physical intimacy is so important. Don’t think that you or your spouse is a failure because either of you needs the other one to come right out and say what you need. Open communication should be cherished in a relationship.
8 comments
B
Hi Keelie, thank you for the links. I have been blessed by both of those blogs. I’m really touched that Bonny has been addressing this on her blog, since she mainly deals with the opposite problem.
It is hard. It’s even harder because I’m pretty sure my husband does love me. It’s just hard that he’s not attracted to me. Or at least it sure feels that way. I know it seems like it’s hard for the low drive spouse to initiate, but do they know how painful that is for their spouse? It’s just a crappy feeling to know your husband isn’t really all that interested in you. especially when everything else you read is about husbands who can’t get enough and why their wives should oblige. That’s just not true in my marriage and I wish I knew why. I’ve offered to change everything I can about my appearance, but that upsets him. I don’t think he understands how badly I feel. Or he just doesn’t care.
Thank you for listening. I know I complain way too much. This year I need to pray more and focus on the things that are good. There is a lot of good.
I enjoy your posts. Sometimes I just wish the romance part wasn’t all on me. I’m so sorry but I HATE Valentines Day. Just another day to either have to beg for a flower, or be crushed that I’m not worth the time. I don’t think you should have to ask for gifts, nor is it polite. I wish my husband would just think enough of me to stop and get a flower – just one measly flower – it could be a carnation, whatever, I don’t care! It’s the thought that would matter. He will probably give me some cheesy, mass produced, poorly written greeting card that means nothing. Words are his language but definitely NOT mine!
Oh well. Thanks for listening to me vent. He is a good man and he does provide a good life for us. I just wish he’d ask me to provide more in the bedroom. 🙂
Keelie Reason
It really is hard for you. I’m so sorry that you are in that place
B
Ugh. Communication is one of our biggest issues, but we’re working on it. I don’t like asking for anything. Gifts, needs, anything. Until very recently, I’ve been the initiator most of our marriage. When I started to believe most of the time we made love he was giving me “pity sex” I stopped asking altogether. We’ve discussed this, and he would like me to tell him when I’m in the mood, but I’m so afraid to go back there. I figure if he wants romance, he will let me know. If I have to ask for it, then he will just give in and do it because he wants me to be happy. But I don’t want him to make love to me because he feels obligated to, I want him to want to. And how will I know if he ever wants to, if I’m the one who has to keep asking?
By the way, since I’ve stopped bringing it up, our sex life has slowed down. It always slows down until I can’t stand it anymore and I finally say something. But I don’t want it to be that way! It really makes me feel like he’s not in love with me, but fulfilling some obligation.
I wouldn’t mind so much telling him when I’m feeling romantic, if he would do the same. But he doesn’t, and so I don’t either. So often nothing happens, and that proves my theory that he’s just not that into me. 🙁
So I think this is great advice for women who know their husbands desire them, but not so much for those of us who are tired being given “pity sex”.
Keelie Reason
That is such a tough place to be in! There are many women that have a higher sex drive then their husbands and they have the same feelings as you. Most higher drive spouses struggle with similar feelings. You can check out some of the advice that J over at http://hotholyhumorous.com/ gives. She is a higher drive spouse and shares her journey.
You can check out this post http://www.oysterbed7.com/for-high-drive-wives-when-your-sexuality-seems-out-of-control/ as it was written for higher drive women. You can also check out this post http://www.oysterbed7.com/high-drive-wife-asks-im-not-supposed-to-love-sex-right/.
Being in your place is very hard. I know how you feel about not wanting pity sex, but I do encourage you to keep initiating and keep pursuing your husband. If he is willing to be with you sexually, you might consider being with him. Just because he doesn’t initiate doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy time with you or want it. I think it can be hard to initiate for a lower drive spouse. They will gladly take part in the physical time, but really stink at asking for it.
I hope that you and your husband can find ways to be intimate and grow together.
Scot
I agree completely that verbalizing before, during and after a physcial encounter is very important. Especially because this is such a vulnerable and difficult area for so many to talk about, it’s also important to realize that how you say it is just as important as what you say.
One suggestion I would have is that rather than asking, “can we?” or “do you want to?” it might be better to state your desire. Something like, “I really want you, and I’d love it if we could make love tonight.” Maybe it’s just me but the idea of stating your desire instead of asking “permission” is a better way to approach it. I’m interested ot see if others agree.
Keelie Reason
Those are some great points Scot! I am glad you brought it up. Every couple does need to figure out how to communicate in a way that will appeal to their spouse. I’m so blunt and direct that me asking, “Hey you want to?” Or “Are we going to?” has worked in our marriage. I like your ideas of how to initiate in a way that is less blunt, but still direct. 😀 I’m not so good at that.
Yes, I would like to know how others clearly communicate it with their spouse also!
J. Parker
I’ve also used words during sex like, “Ouch. Move, please.” Lol.
I agree entirely that you have to be willing to communicate. There are also many ways you can essentially say, “Can we have sex?” — and we definitely employ that perspective to make sure we’re on the same page. It also helps in case one of us is willing but not mentally there yet…so we can start the anticipation and build-up.
Sex is marriage is definitely not like in the movies. It’s better! But it does take going through some awkward moments to reach that point.
Keelie Reason
Yes, getting through the awkward moments is important but gives you something to laugh at. 😀