Has your spouse been after you to try something new in the bedroom? Maybe you have been searching around for some fresh ideas that will spice up your sex life. Exploring new positions and trying new things can be a lot of fun for a couple. Some ideas may cause you quite a bit of reserve. Here are a few things you can ask yourself.
1. What Causes Me Concern About the Sexual Act?
This is a legitimate question that a lot of people ask when contemplating a new position or form of sexual intimacy. Your concerns may be about sanitation, physical safety, or morality. Really think through what is bothering you about the sexual act in question.
Does It Seem Gross?
If it is a matter of sanitation, such as having sex on your period or anal, then ask yourself if there is something you can do that will make it more sanitary. Even if you address the actual sanitation problem, you might still have the ick factor in your mind. At least try to brainstorm a way around it.
Maybe you just think something is gross, and you’re having a hard time getting over that. Some people struggle with oral sex because they don’t want to put their mouths where their spouse urinates. If that’s how you feel, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong. But it also doesn’t mean you won’t change your mind one day so keep your options open.
Are You Concerned About Your Physical Safety?
Let’s be honest, as you get older, you lose a lot of mobility. Not every sex position out there lends itself to people who aren’t working out at the gym. There are other safety concerns, such as hurting your body through an act of sex.
Until you try something, it might be hard to know if you can handle it or not. Sometimes, you can go into a physical session with the understanding that it might not work out and you will both be ok with it. Other times, you know for a fact something will hurt you, and it isn’t worth pursuing.
Are You Concerned About the Morality of The Request?
There are plenty of sexual acts that are pushed by society that raise real moral issues. Inviting other people to your bed is, without a doubt, an act of adultery. However, some people have a hard time with certain acts of sex because they were taught to be reserved in the bedroom.
When you are asking yourself if the sex act is ok, take the time to read your Bible. Pray to God about it. He will give you direction and peace about your question. Sometimes, we have an idea that certain sex acts are off-limits because sex has been so perverted in our culture. It is hard to know what is right or wrong.
One thing my mom and dad always taught me is that as long as the other person isn’t hurting you intentionally, they aren’t degrading you, and it doesn’t involve a third party, it’s ok. However, if you feel bad when you do what’s being asked of you, then it’s ok to say no.
2. Why Do You or Your Spouse Want to Try The New Position?
It is really important you identify why you or your spouse wants to try the intimate act in question. We all go through periods of time in our sex lives when we crave something a little different. Desiring to try something new with your spouse can be a really good thing in bringing intimacy.
There are other times that we have the wrong motivation for wanting to try something new. If you or your spouse have been watching porn or television sex, or reading romance novels, trying something you see may be really disappointing or not even possible.
I’m going to be honest; that stuff you see in movies or read in books is often complete crap. Not too many people can have a sexual experience like that. Some of the positions are not even possible without really hurting one or both of the people involved.
Here’s a roundup of positions that you can try that are easier to do.
Tip For Trying a New Position
Before you try a position that gives you pause…here’s what I recommend:
- Decide ahead of time at any point, you can stop trying to get in the position if it’s not working.
- Be willing to modify the position to work for your bodies and preferences.
- Use a vibrator to make the position more exciting for the wife. A lot of positions don’t provide clitoral stimulation.
- The wife should orgasm before you get into the new position because it will help it feel better. Even if it doesn’t, she’ll feel more satisfied.
3. Will The Act of Sex Make Me Feel Good About Myself?
Sex is supposed to be a good experience for both you and your spouse. God created sex to be enjoyed by a husband and wife in respect. If one or both of the partners are degraded during the act, then it is best you find something different to try. You should never walk away from sex with your spouse feeling shame or bad about who you are.
My recommendation is that you limit the number of bad experiences you have. So if you know without a doubt you’ll feel bad after, then say no. You don’t have to try everything you read about. But, find something you think you will enjoy and pitch that to your spouse.
4. Will the Sex Act Bring Up Bad Memories?
For those that have experienced sexual abuse as a child or in a relationship, then some intimate acts can be mentally damaging. I’m not saying that you can’t ever feel freedom from the abuse that has happened to you, but it is ok to say no to something that reminds you of a dark time in your life.
5. Are You Honoring God With Your Sex Life?
This is the top question every couple should ask. Are you honoring God with your sex life? This takes on so many forms. If either partner has reservations about an act of sex, it would not be honoring to God to push them into the act if you are doing something that is immoral or against scripture, then those acts should also be avoided.
6. Do You Feel Forced?
Encouraging your spouse to explore their sexuality with you is a healthy thing in a marriage. However, pushing or demanding your spouse to engage in something they are not comfortable with is very damaging. If you have a spouse that is trying to force you into doing something that you have said “no” to on several occasions, it is time to ask, “why?”.
Why are you pushing back against the act, and why is your spouse pushing so hard to have it? This goes both ways. If there is a physical activity that you just can’t get out of your head and don’t know why your spouse won’t go for it, it’s time to ask, “why?”.
At the end of the day, if you or your spouse do not want to engage in the form of physical intimacy in question, then it is time to give it up for a while, if not forever. I’m not saying that over the course of time, you can’t come back and re-visit a sex act. However, if one of you is not ok with the idea in question, then it is time to drop it.