When You No Longer Feel Attracted to Your Spouse

Earlier today, I ran across a reader question on one of the blogs I follow. It is not the first time I’ve read a comment from someone that said the same thing. On reading such a statement, I wanted to yell at the computer, “You’re missing the point of marriage!”

Honest Questions From a Reader


What was the question you ask? The individual stated her husband has gained 70 pounds since they got married. She is having a hard time finding him as attractive as she once did. She asked how to tell him without hurting his feelings.


Is she being superficial because she no longer finds him attractive?

Before you jump all over the woman, know that she did ask if she was being superficial. Most people left messages in the comment section telling her that she was in fact being superficial. I don’t think it is as cut and dry as that. 

Marketers Have Defined What is Attractive


For years, marketing companies have decided what we find to be beautiful. We have been lead to believe that our waste line has to be unreasonably small and not a single stretch mark should be found. Let’s not even talk about the latest trending thigh gaps that young teenager girls are trying to achieve.

Many groups and campaigns are pushing against the airbrushing of pictures. I won’t say these methods are only used on women. Men’s bodies are undergoing corrections as well.


We no longer have realistic expectations of beauty.

 It is no wonder that we are having a harder time accepting changes in our own bodies as well as our partner’s. None of us can measure up to what we see on television, in magazines, on billboards, wherever.

Is Physical Attraction Important in Marriage


I believe 100% that physical attraction is an important part of romantic relationships. After all, one of the reasons you decided to marry that person was because of how cute they were. I don’t think you should marry someone you don’t find attractive.
Maybe some people will not agree with me here, but physical attraction has a huge place in marriage. You should want to jump your husband’s or wife’s body on a regular basis. My argument is not that beauty isn’t important.

Rather, the argument is that a change in your loved one’s body should not negatively affect your view of them.

The definition of beauty must be redefined.


When you are engaged in a healthy romantic relationship, your definition of attraction needs to change. You have to see your spouse as a whole being, not just a body. Allowing your idea of beauty to be defined solely by the way your spouse looks, can damage your marriage.

None of us can escape the effects of aging and growing older. In a marriage, you have to accept that one day you and your spouse will not have young looking bodies. That doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t still be sexually attracted to them.


My Advice- Identify Underlying Marriage Problems


My personal advice to this young woman was to identify the underlying problems in her relationship. Quite often, there is more to it than what meets the eye. She feels that it is her husband’s weight is the reason she feels less attracted to him.

I think there must be something deeper than a weight issue. Maybe she feels insecure about herself and is pushing it off on him. Or possibly he isn’t meeting her emotional or physical needs.


What about your marriage?

Maybe you are having a hard time finding your spouse as handsome or beautiful as you once did. I ask you the same thing? Have you looked at your relationship to see what the underlying problems are?

 What is the problem in your relationship? 

If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, it is normal to find ways to blame it on your spouse. If you are not finding your significant other beautiful or handsome, you need to look within.

Do you have an unrealistic idea of what your spouse looks like? If so, is it because of a porn addiction? Maybe you have a fantasy and are blurring it with reality.

Maybe you are being selfish. That’s right, I said it. We all have times when we are selfish. This could be a case of plain selfishness.

What Marriage Is Really About


Being in a romantic relationship with someone is not just about you. Stop looking at what your significant other can do for you. Instead, ask, “what can I do for my loved one?”

When you focus on your loved one and meeting their needs, you will learn to love the changes in their body. If your spouse has put on a lot of weight, hopefully you will be more concerned with their health issues and not their lack of sex appeal.

The Deeper the Love the Greater the Attraction


When you are in a healthy marriage, you feel attracted to your spouse regardless of how they look. The deeper you love someone, the deeper the attraction. It penetrates down to the soul.

These are my personal opinions. I would love to hear what you think about this subject. Please leave me a message in the comments. Maybe you have some great insight other’s need to hear.

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