Earlier this year, Austin and I had the opportunity to spend time with a group of couples working on their marriage. One of the attendees asked why it takes women so long to orgasm. And just recently, someone left a comment on a blog post I wrote about female orgasms and mentioned it takes his wife 30 minutes or more to orgasm. I thought addressing the length of time it takes a woman to orgasm would be a good thing to talk about because there are couples who are concerned about this.
How Long Does It Take A Woman To Orgasm?
According to this study, the average time it took the female participants to reach orgasm was between 6 minutes and 20 minutes. They started the time clock when a woman reached full arousal to the time she climaxed. Unfortunately, for a lot of women, the amount of time it took to reach orgasm was higher when they were having sex with a partner. When they were masturbating, it took an average of 8 minutes for the participants, but sex with someone else was an average of 20 minutes.
It’s important to remember that this study clocked the time for orgasm from when a woman was fully aroused. I want to point this out because if you are a female with a responsive desire, there’s a good chance you’re not fully aroused when you begin having sex with your spouse. If you’re not aroused when you get started, then you will likely need additional time to get there.
If you’re falling into the 30-60 minute range to reach orgasm, there’s nothing wrong with you or your spouse. This is normal for many women, and many couples need this much time for both to have a satisfactory sexual encounter. And if you are taking longer than this, it’s only a problem if one or both of you are feeling frustrated.
Why Can a Woman Orgasm Faster Through Masturbation?
The core reasons a woman can orgasm quicker when masturbating are:
- Direct clitoral stimulation – masturbation focuses almost all of the stimulation on the clitoris, which is necessary for most females to reach climax.
- The right stimulation – it’s much easier for a woman to adjust the speed, pressure, and movement on her clitoris during masturbation. She can adjust before she overstimulates herself and gradually build up as it feels good.
- Focused solely on the end goal – unlike partnered sex, masturbation is usually all about reaching climax. Whereas sex with someone else is more focused on intimacy and prolonging the encounter.
- Sex toys stimulate differently – if a woman is using a vibrator, she’s much more likely to reach orgasm faster because sex toys can stimulate much faster than fingers, water, etc.
- Likely already aroused – when a woman decides to masturbate, she’s likely already turned on, which means she doesn’t have to warm herself up for the stimulation to feel good.
This is not to say that all women who masturbate will get there this quickly, but they are much more likely to orgasm faster in this situation.
Why Do Women Take Longer to Reach Orgasm Through Partnered Sex?
Here are the biggest reasons that sex with a spouse lengthens how long a woman takes to orgasm:
Intercourse Doesn’t Provide Direct Stimulation
If a couple only focuses on intercourse, a woman is less likely to orgasm at all…and if she does, it will often take longer for her to get there because she’s not getting enough direct stimulation.
Direct Stimulation Can Be Too Much Or Not Enough
When a husband is focusing on his wife’s clitoris, he may end up over-stimulating her or not stimulating enough for her to reach orgasm. If a woman gets over-stimulated, it can be hard to get back on track because every touch may be too much. On the other hand, if she isn’t getting the right stimulation, she will never get there.
Not Enough Of The Right Stimulation
Unlike many males, all stimulation is not created equal. Oftentimes, any touch of the penis can feel good to a man, and eventually, they will reach orgasm no matter what. However, when a movement feels very good to a woman, breaking the pattern or pressure can kill her orgasm. She has to work her way back up to that point through the same stimulation or find something else that feels good. And sometimes, she can’t get back to where she was, which causes frustration.
Climax Isn’t The Only Reason For The Sexual Experience
When a woman is having sex with her husband, she may be interested in more than just getting to the end. Instead, she may want to relish other types of touching and an emotional connection. Prolonging the experience can bring her a lot of fulfillment.
She Feels Self-Conscious
When a wife is engaged in partnered sex, she can more easily get into her own head about the way she looks, smells, performs, etc. It can make it really hard for a woman to reach climax if she’s self-conscious about something or if she’s distracted.
If you’re looking for tips on how to reach orgasm, check out my full guide here.
Is It A Problem If It Takes A While For Her To Get There?
It can be a problem depending on the attitude of the husband or wife (or both). If either person in the relationship thinks that it’s too much work or time for a woman to reach orgasm, this will certainly cause issues in the relationship. Here’s some of the problems couples deal with that think it takes too long:
The Man’s Problems
Here are a few things a husband may think about his wife taking too long to reach climax:
- Can’t last long enough.
- Just wants a quickie.
- He has to squelch his desire to help his wife first.
- Feels insufficient or has insecurities that he can’t please her.
- Annoyed or put out that it is taking too long.
- Anxious about helping her get there.
- Avoids initiating intimacy.
The Woman’s Problems
These are a few things a woman may face if she thinks she is taking too long:
- Feels the husband may be bored or impatient.
- Thinks she will never get there and gives up.
- Feels discouraged or thinks she is broken.
- Avoids trying if she’s too tired.
- Thinks her husband isn’t having fun.
How To Handle It If You Think It’s Taking Too Long
Both sides of the equation can feel frustrated if it’s taking too long to get there. So, how do you handle this in your marriage if you’re feeling this way? Here are a few things I recommend you try.
Talk About Your Feelings Outside Of The Bedroom
Periodically checking in about your sex life is the best way to improve your intimacy. But, it does need to be done tactfully and at a good time. Find a time you can address your concerns when you are not engaged in sexual intimacy. Try using these prompts to get the conversation started:
- I feel like it takes me a long time to reach orgasm. Do you think it takes me a long time? How do you feel about it?
- I notice when it’s taking you a while to reach orgasm, you get frustrated. Is there anything I can do to help you? What peace of mind can I give you in those moments?
- Sometimes, I wear out while we’re having sex. I want you to reach orgasm every time. Are there foreplay moves or certain types of stimulation I can do to help you in those moments when I’m physically hitting a brick wall?
If you’re the wife, you may find that your spouse doesn’t have an issue with how long it takes you. If you’re the husband, you might learn that you’re doing things that keep her from reaching orgasm faster.
Spend More Time Focusing On Arousal
Women who are sexual responders need to be put in a sexual context to feel aroused. Spending more time on kissing, rubbing, touching, etc. can help her clitoris to become engorged with blood. This makes it feel better right away when her husband is touching, licking, and caressing her clitoris. Being more aroused before stimulating the clitoris will shorten the time of orgasm.
Be Willing To Guide Your Spouse During Sex
Making requests while having sex will help a woman to reach orgasm faster. She can tell her husband to slow down, speed up, move this direction or that direction, etc. If she verbalizes what she needs her husband to do isn’t getting her there, she can ask him to stay still and let her move.
Agree That The Wife Can Pass On Having An Orgasm If She Doesn’t Want It
Some wives feel pressured to reach climax during sex with their spouse. It’s really important that a woman has the freedom to decide she doesn’t want an orgasm if she’s just not feeling it that night. If she’s feeling pressured, she may not get there and if she does, it may not be as satisfying as usual.
Believe Your Spouse If They Say It’s Not A Problem
If your spouse tells you that they aren’t put out or upset at how long it takes you to orgasm, believe them. It’s really easy to give in to the lies in your mind.
Hopefully, some of the tips and thoughts I’ve shared in this blog will help you and your spouse address your feelings about this issue.
