Why Doesn’t My Wife Want An Orgasm?

I had a question come in through the anonymous questions form that I wanted to write a full post about. Usually, I just answer these in my newsletter, but this was a pretty long answer, so I wanted to turn it into a post to help men who want to know more about why their wife is ok with fewer orgasms than they would be ok with. 

Anonymous Question:: I have a variation on a question regarding the frequency in long-term relationships in the couples have sex and the desire gap. Basically, My wife seems totally satisfied if she has 1-2 orgasms a week. I (the husband, obviously) really feel satisfied with about 4-5 orgasms a week. First, is this typical for a female? Her mindset seems to center around the few times she has gone for an extra 1 or 2 a week she has the work too hard for it and even had the old frustrating stuck orgasm a couple of times that just would go over the top. If she stays in the 1-2 per week range, they seem natural and enjoyable to come by for her. But the rub is being front row to experience her orgasm is my favorite thing in the whole universe of sexual experiences a husband and wife can share. I personally think it’s mainly a mental block, not a physical limitation of her specific body, and she is capable of more frequent orgasm expressions. That said, we bridge the gap with lots of showers together, intercourse quickies, handjobs, and even the occasional oral sex, which actually makes for a nice variety that she is happy with as well. Still, I would love to experience more of her orgasms, though. Any advice on how to help move her in that direction would be greatly appreciated

This is a great reader question, and there are a lot of things I want to address in this blog to answer him because I have had similar questions in the past about how a husband can please his wife. I also want to help educate husbands that are reading the blog to understand more about where their wives may be coming from. But, at the end of the day, you have to have open conversations with her and believe what she is saying. 

Why Doesn’t My Wife Want To Orgasm More?

Is it typical for a woman to be happy with 1 or 2 orgasms a week versus more? I’ve found that when it comes to women and orgasms, there really isn’t a typical number in a week that is across the board. There are women that never orgasm at all and say they are satisfied…while other women want to orgasm multiple times a day. 

My friend Jay Dee at Uncovering Intimacy runs surveys with his audience. He did one on how long sex lasts that you can check out here. This survey covered all sorts of aspects of sex, including how often women tend to orgasm a week, how often they have sex, etc. 

You can also check out the post my friend Paul wrote over at the Generous Husband about why some women don’t want to climax every time they have sex. 

Why Orgasms May Be Easier When There Is Time Between

There’s no straight answer about why some women find it easier to orgasm when they have a few days between. I’m going to cover as many as I can think of, but I’m sure there are other things at play that make it easier to orgasm one day versus another.

Natural Desire Period 

While women don’t have a refractory period like men, they still have a natural desire period. When a female already has a desire for sex before it begins, it makes reaching climax so much easier. The natural desire she feels can be affected by all sorts of things, such as: 

  • Hormones – during certain parts of a woman’s cycle, she is going to get aroused much easier than others. Usually, right before ovulation is when a woman is going to have the highest desire for sex. 
  • Orgasm frequency – for some ladies, the more they orgasm, the more they want to orgasm….and the easier it becomes. They may actually shorten the desire period if they are climaxing more often. But this isn’t the case for all women…nor the desire.

These might not be all the reasons that a woman’s natural desire may be affected but is a few common issues to consider. 

Too Much Stress Or Responsibilities

The more stressed out a woman is, the more it takes to relax enough to climax. This is why some women don’t bother trying when they aren’t already in the mood. It’s just too much work….both mentally and physically. Putting some distance between the stressful days can help her unwind and be in the right frame of mind to relax enough to orgasm. 

Not Enough Variety In The Stimulation

Very often (but not every time), when a woman gets enough of the right stimulation, she can orgasm in a few minutes. If reaching orgasm is easy sometimes and not other times, it is possible she needs to vary what she’s doing to get there. The old standby might work some of the time, but not every time. It’s going to depend on how aroused she was when she started, her cycle, mood, etc. Getting there in different ways takes more mental and physical energy, which can be a hurdle she may not feel like overcoming. 

Doesn’t Like Different Orgasm Experiences

Some of this is because women have many different orgasm experiences. My friend J. Parker wrote about the Amusement Park of Orgasms that describes different feelings a woman may have when she reaches the big “O.” If a woman has an orgasm on day 1, the orgasm she has on day 2 may feel very different…usually deeper and has more a burning sensation. And usually, this kind of feeling takes more to get there. By more, I mean more time, concentration, stimulation, patience, mental energy, etc. 

The thing is, a woman may not enjoy the feeling of deeper orgasms. When there is enough time between her climax, the feeling is usually lighter and easier to achieve. More like the relief you get when you scratch an itch. 

Putting enough days between the orgasm can mean a woman will get a similar sensation. BTW, this is not the case for all women; I’m just making generalizations here, so you should ask your wife. She may not have ever even thought about the different sensations before. 

Mindset Has A Lot To Do With A Woman’s Ability To Orgasm

The mindset a woman has about climax or sex, in general, is definitely going to affect her ability to get there. It’s not the only thing that can cause them to struggle, of course, but it can make it more difficult. If a woman expects to orgasm every time she has sex, she’s going to be more likely to get there. But it’s really important to note that this has to be her decision. Is her body capable of more? Maybe so. But she is the one that has to decide if it’s something she wants for herself. 

If a woman is looking for tips on how to reach climax every time, read the full guide I wrote here

Women Should Not Be Pressured To Orgasm

While I believe the heart of the husband is to bring his wife pleasure, it’s her right to get to decide whether or not she wants more. If she’s satisfied with the number of times a week she gets there, then that should be good enough for the husband. Sure, men love watching their wives squirm with pleasure. So…cherish those times…but don’t put undo pressure on a woman to do it more often. Respect her decisions. 

Husbands, I ask you to believe your wife. If she tells you she’s satisfied or happy with how things are going, believe her. I highly recommend that a husband never push their wives to feel like they have to orgasm. This is a personal preference that she gets to make for herself. 

If a husband’s sexual satisfaction is tied to how frequently his wife orgasms, he’s missing out on what sex is about…real intimacy. A woman is not going to feel close emotionally to her husband during sex if she thinks she has to perform for him.

Focus On Intimacy In Your Marriage

And I want to leave all couples with this thought…focus on intimacy in your marriage above all things. By intimacy, I don’t mean only physical. I’m talking about doing what is necessary to develop a solid, close relationship with your spouse. Focus on their needs and what they need from a romantic partner to feel safe, secure, and loved. 

Anytime you start pressuring your spouse to want what you want after they push back on it is going to hurt the relationship. They will feel like you only care about your own needs and wants rather than respecting their desires. 

I realize I didn’t really answer the question of how to lead a wife in the direction of wanting more orgasms, but honestly…I don’t think that’s your job. She’s happy with what she is getting for herself and it sounds like she’s making it a priority to have sex with you even when she’s not in the mood for an orgasm. Sure, there are ways for a woman to help herself get in the mood, but I don’t recommend pushing her into this. Let her decide when she wants more. Focus your energy on the needs she expresses to you.

I hope this helps you my dear readers!

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4 Responses

  1. So what does one do when you’ve been married for almost 16 years and your wife has never had an orgasm? We both waited till our wedding night but sex has never really been enjoyable for us. We only been sexually intimate maybe 60-70 times in our marriage but she doesn’t allow oral or any position but top or bottom. She skips foreplay and always just wants it over with. No manual stimulation or rarely do I see her body.

  2. She has had no desire for an orgasm from the beginning. She will not allow oral or even manual touch to that area. I have a high desire for sexual activity but at the same time I actually hate sex because I have a partner who doesn’t participate. I’m 39 and I have lost desire for my wife because she will not what God intended for marriage between us. Just being honest, I wish I would have known this before marriage.

    1. I know this breaks your heart. I’ll be praying for you all. Try not to lose hope and keep praying for her. There may come a day when she changes the way she feels about intimacy with you. Many marriages start out one way and change after many years.

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