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Some people think flirting is only for young couples when they’re dating. But flirting can be incredibly helpful in your marriage as well.
Transcription of the podcast:
Keelie
Welcome to the love of adventure podcast where we talk about marriage relationship, intimacy and marriage and how you can go deeper with your spouse. Today we’re talking about a fun topic and that is flirting, flirting when you’re married. It all starts when you’re dating. I hope when you’re dating, hopefully, you’re not What are you doing wrong, but it needs to continue into marriage, that it stopped after the wedding day.
Keelie
You know, I think that a lot of couples Stop flirting is probably like a big probably a really like the star of things going south in a relationship. Because the indicators you think, I mean, this is a personal opinion. But if you see a couple research behind this, that is not flirting that is not having fun together that is never making passes at each other. I think you know, what’s happening? Yeah,
Austin
I would say there. I was gonna say the flip side of that is you see a couple that’s been married for 20 years, and they’re constantly flirting with each other. You’re like, Oh, they’re doing okay. Fine. Yeah, they’re, they’re doing pretty good. When you’re that couple like us, where people are like, yeah, just make me sick. Just knock it off, get around.
Keelie
I think some people are more private, in what they’re flirting and stuff. And that’s fine. As long as it’s still happening. I grew up in a house where my parents have always flirted with each other, that’s for sure. They continue to do so in front of everyone.
Austin
For generations have embarrassed people at Thanksgiving. We all just, we just accept it. Now, and you know what’s funny, I think there’s almost kind of a taboo thing with it to maybe not taboo, maybe that’s not the right word. But like, Well, like I was just saying, like, Oh, get a room. And I’m like, What are you talking about? Like, as a as a culture, we’re totally fine. With young couples married or not, or whatever, flirting, making out, hooking up all of that kind of stuff. But when a couple that has like grandkids and they’ve been married for 20 years happily, is flirting. It’s like IU,
Keelie
which I don’t think any of us have ever said to to my parents. It’s always been hilarious and funny, though. What do you mean? Oh, I don’t know. You know how my dad does, he will go to kiss my mom and put his hand up so you can’t see them kissing my
Austin
No, PDA doesn’t count if it’s behind my hand. I think I’ve seen him do the the like, sort of Cary Grant thing with like the hat, like a black hat, going for a kiss and cover-up? Okay, dad is 1955
Keelie
What do we do my parents flare. It’s usually hilarious.
Austin
What our kids think about us?
Keelie
I don’t know. Probably they laugh. I think that flirting is important because it just allows you guys to have connection that is beyond what you’re going to do with other people. Of course, you know, hopefully you’re having sex, which is something you’re not doing with others. So something you’re learning, I think is something that it should be with that person that you are with the person you’re married to. I know that there are some people who think you can flirt with whoever you want to. And that’s not a problem. I disagree. Yeah, I think plenty of extramarital affairs, probably all of them started with flirting. Sure, sure. Because flirting is like that beginning stages of telling someone that you like them. And so
Austin
it’s kind of the idea, right? Like, you’re like you are putting out the signal like, I’m into you. Are you into me? If so, flirt back, you know, just kind of. So.
Keelie
Yeah, and I would say that flirting in marriage shouldn’t always be sexual. I think that flirting can be just fun. Getting that getting your spouse’s attention is pretty much what I think about when I think of flirting, like doing little things to get there. catch their eye or make them smile or something like that, you know, right. And I would say I’m not like probably the best amazing person beforehand, that I can give like, tons of advice here.
Austin
Um, but I always try you’re definitely you know, better than you used to be at it. Yes, that’s for sure. Well, that’s not fair. Because you you certainly flirted with me plenty when we were when we were dating teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. You might have flirted a little bit before we were dating. Maybe?
Keelie
Probably. I don’t know. I don’t really know what flirting is sometimes. I think so. I think that flirting for me is generally trying to just get your attention.
Austin
I was gonna say do we do need to define it? Because I mean, you said it doesn’t have to be sexual. And I would say you know, there there’s there is sexual flirt, sexual flirting. There’s flirting that sort of, I don’t know, I just trying to come up with a word like romance. Like, it should definitely be romantic. Yeah. Yeah. Like if it’s more than just like joking around with your friends. Oh, yeah, like flirting is different than that. It’s more than that. You know,
Keelie
I think it’s headed somewhere for me. When I’m trying to flirt, I am trying to get a reaction out of you. That is to pay attention to me. And the way that you pay me is my husband, like, whatever that means. All your cue, oh, you’re funny or whatever.
Austin
But that kind of you have a certain giggle that tells me yeah, you probably don’t realize it, but
Keelie
I don’t, I don’t realize it. But I think a lot of couples lose that flirting. And I’m not 100% sure why I don’t know if it’s because we just become so serious in life in our relationships, or what, but I feel like flirting tends to take a backseat after you’ve been with that person for a while. So I don’t know if it’s something like you flirt to get their attention. And then you start having sex with them because you’re married and you’re in a deeper relationship.
Austin
And so now maybe, well, okay, so you said for you, basically, the definition of flirting is trying to get my attention. Yeah. And for some people, it’s like, well, now we’re married. So I have yours. I don’t need your attention anymore. We’re like, Yeah, like, I don’t need to get your attention anymore. Yeah. Which is wrongheaded? I think, yeah, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s saying, cuz it that makes marriage, like the endpoint that makes the wedding the goal, instead of the beginning of the next phase of your relationship. You know, it’s, it should be a transition point. But for a lot of people, it seems to be like, the endpoint, the goal. And so that, I think that’s why, you know, again, socially, sex and marriage is kind of like the least sexy thing for you know, again, speaking in terms of like, social norms, and expectations, and things like that. Certainly, the way TV and movies and everything portrays it, is, once you get married, it’s like things are over now, instead of me, for us. That’s what, like, everything began. Yeah. And, you know, our flirting, could the thing about flirting, depending on what your standards and your boundaries and things are flirting within the context of marriage doesn’t have to have any boundaries or restraints, right, within good taste. You know, nice, you know, if you’re out in public needs to be somewhat constrained. Constrained would be good. Yeah. But But you you said flirting is, is, you know, trying to get my attention. And one of the things that I kind of threw in there is, it’s going somewhere. That’s, that’s the difference between, say flirting and messing around and joking around with your friends, is flirting is definitely going somewhere romantic. And again, it doesn’t necessarily have to always culminate in sex that that night or something or that moment, but it you know, it’s, it’s headed in a direction. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It’s, it’s more of a romantic slash sexual type of thing. So when you’re within that context of marriage, all of the other boundaries get taken away, those are all gone. Now. There’s, there’s not anything within the bounds of your relationship. There’s anything anymore, that’s off-limits. So there you go.
Keelie
And you can take flirting to the next level of foreplay, or whatever else. Exactly. And so sometimes I think when I talk about flirting and marriage, I think that couple that, you know, I have occasionally gotten this response from people that that’s very juvenile. Maybe it is, I don’t know, but I have had some feedback in the past that flirting that’s super juvenile, and we’re beyond that we’re married now and things and I’m like, you know, having a very fun, healthy relationship with someone Absolutely. Includes some amount of juvenile behavior.
Austin
Yeah, for us for sure. Yeah, there’s plenty of times where we just sort of like, you know, poke fun at each other, tease each other and those kinds of things.
Keelie
I mean, I don’t hit you to get your attention.
Austin
Yeah, like throwing a rock at you, giving you a bullfrog or anything.
Keelie
So I think that flirting and marriage is a way to have fun with your spouse and connect with them and to just feel connected. It’s like it’s taking the intimacy of your friendship to the next level. It’s being you know, like, and it’s also separating your relationship with your spouse that you know that you have with other mutual So flirting is, I, in my opinion, it’s really important because it keeps other things at the forefront of your mind. If your spouse has been flirting with you during the day, there is a greater chance you’re gonna have sex that night. Or it’s going to mean that you have a greater date night, you know, instead of going out to dinner on date night and just talking about all the stuff you normally would talk about if you have flirting built into your relationship and fun and whatever else.
Austin
Then date nights won’t just be another business meeting or family meeting with your spouse, you know…the business meeting date night.
Keelie
Yeah, that’s no fun.
Austin
I have to avoid. Yeah. But yeah, that’s the thing is that yeah, that flirting does sort of lay the groundwork for that so that you’re going into those activities with that mindset rather than like you said, you know, you know, you’re one night out without the kids turns into let’s talk about the kids, the kids the budget, all these very stressful things. Now, I will tell you that I would not say that I like I said I’m not amazing and great at flirting. It’s taken me a lot of time to and I have to like be super intentional with it. I think. I don’t know why either. I think you definitely are more prone to flirting than me.
Austin
Yeah, it’s just it’s hardwired into me.
Keelie
I don’t know why I don’t naturally just want to flirt with you. But I probably just seem very awkward when I am trying because exactly know what to do. And I just say that as encouragement. Anyone listening? He’s like, I have no idea what to do. I think you appreciate whatever I try.
Austin
Real talk. Here we go. Okay, cuz yeah, you’re way better. I love you. I love you despite you’ve definitely gotten way better at it. And here’s, here’s the thing. This is one of those areas where, because you’ve seen it as a weakness, and you’ve worked so hard on it, it’s become strength. And I don’t think you realize that I think your mindset is still in way it was a weakness and awkward. But I realized I realized several years ago, there were things that you would do. I’m trying to think of an example. I know Okay, so I mentioned your giggle. You have you ever giggle. That’s very genuine, and very heartfelt. And I know that I’m doing my job. I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve got to giggle right. Do you have another giggle? That says, I’m trying. It says this, maybe isn’t my fake laughs maybe isn’t what I’m doing. What’s doing it for me. But I recognize you’re trying Austin. So I’m going to reciprocate. And you have you have a couple of things like that, where I where I learned years ago. I’m like, okay, when she does that thing. That’s you flirting. That’s you reaching out and trying and attempting? I think I honestly I think over the last several years, a lot of those things in particular, where I had to like, log it away as that is her flirting. A lot of those have fallen away. And you’re and you’re not doing some of those things anymore. But I say that, I guess Yeah. Because because you’ve gotten better at it. But I say that because I want to I want to reiterate what you just said, for those who are not the natural flirting type, you’re going to feel awkward, because you’re like, you’re forcing yourself to do something that’s not necessarily coming naturally. So it may seem weird. Here’s what it is. It’s me when I’m trying to dance. Dance does not come naturally to me. But if you say, take this foot and do this, and this foot and do that, put your arms here and your hands and your elbows do this. If you tell me all those things. And and I you know, and I see you do it, and I go, Oh, it looks good when you do that. So let me try it. And it feels weird. And I’m like this can’t possibly look right. It can’t possibly be what you’re doing. It can’t look the same at all, and Brahma doesn’t. But but I’m getting there. And I’m trusting the process, right? And then eventually, over time, it feels it does feel more comfortable. It does feel more natural. By the way, this is where the dancing analogy ends, because I’ve never grown comfortable with it. But if you if you’re trying that thing and you’re just sort of like doing the steps and trusting the process, going through the motions and whatever, you’ll you’ll gain confidence. And so if you are the spouse who’s on the other side of that relationship, then encourage and reciprocate and accept, you know, their potentially feeble attempts at flirting, you know, like accept them for what they are and and and respond and reciprocate and it’ll bind Yes. Oh, definitely. Because, but it will it will pay off and you know, and you know what sometimes making friends One of your first years your spouse’s lousy flirting can be flirting to be like, Well, I did. Was that is that your sexy face? Babe? Is that what that is? Right? Okay. See? See folks. See that’s how it works right there.
Keelie
So to further your dance analogy, okay, now you said it fell away. But you said something about, you know, when I’m, I’m trying to mimic the moves you’re making, and they don’t look the same probably as what you’re doing. So I’m in a dance class now. And one thing that I have learned about that dance class is that literally none of us look the same. When we do the dance. Yes, none of us now dance troupes that all look the same. I don’t know how they’re doing that. But you put a bunch of people in a class together, they literally all, I mean, they’re doing the same move, but it doesn’t seem the same. So what I’ve learned it because I don’t look the same as the girl next to me, or is the instructor whoever else is that I just have to put my own personal spin on it. Yeah, figure out how to make that move, not look stupid when I do it, or at the very least, I don’t feel stupid when I do it.
Austin
Right. So if that’s flirting, wherever you’re taking your cues from, you’re getting advice from a friend or a blog, or having helped you a movie or a TV show. Or they don’t use this or just mimicking the spouse even and trying to mirror back what they’re doing. If it doesn’t feel the same. It might be that that’s just the way it feels. Because it’s unnatural to you. We’re like Helia, saying, It might be your spin on it. And that’s good, that’s good. You don’t want your flirting to be carbon copy of what somebody else does. Because then that that’s not what your spouse, that’s not your spouse, the spouse, some other person, and you got to be the person they married, you know, the person they’re married to.
Keelie
I would say the other helpful thing for flirting is that if you were in a really good mood, that’s probably your best bet of trying to flirt. Maybe if you and your spouse are having fun already. Are you having a good week be the time to like spread your wings? Don’t do it when you’re in a crap mood. turn out okay. Yeah. I mean, so if I have any tips to anybody who’s trying to, you know, implement more of this in their life is you do have to be a little bit more spontaneous with it. But at least if your spouse starts flirting with you at least try and flirt back, just try, it may not be great. And they may not know or understand but tell them I’m trying to. Absolutely, I’m attempting it. So our encouragement to you is to come up with ways that you can flirt with each other, identify it, talk about it, the spouse, that is more natural to that recognize when the other person is trying to flirt with you, the person who isn’t great at flirting, tell your spouse, look I’m trying this is me, I’m trying to flirt. It’s not maybe coming out the way we think. And then work together in that but at the, you know, at the very least just have fun with each other. I mean, that’s the whole idea behind flirting is to have fun to be, you know, like love each other and, you know, have a good night with each other, whatever that looks like leading into the evening. So that’s our encouragement for you with flirting. We’d love for you to read some more of our blogs and love adventure.com and also we’d like to keep up the with our newsletter. Every week. We send out a newsletter with our recent podcast blogs, but also our anonymous questions. Any questions that come in, I answered and that newsletter is the most exclusive content you can get for the love of adventure.com/newsletter. I’ll send you our free sexy Truth or Dare when you sign up. Thanks for joining us guys. I can’t wait to talk to you next time.
