Why You Need Boundaries in Marriage

Marriage relationships can be difficult to figure out at times. When you are married, a lot of the boundaries you have established with other people will come down. There is a whole list of things that you should be doing with your spouse that isn’t good to do with anyone else.

Does that mean you can’t have boundaries in your marriage? Of course not! Boundaries are completely and 100% important to have in all relationships, including your marriage.

Boundaries you have in marriage are going to look different for each couple. This is true for any relationship really. Since we are all individuals, our boundaries are going to look different than other people’s boundaries.

Why Are Boundaries Necessary in Relationships?

Before we can talk about how boundaries are needed in marriage, we have to understand why it is important to have boundaries with others. Basically, boundaries define how a relationship between two people works.

For example, with my children, we have boundaries in place when it comes to living space. Each of my children are blessed enough to have their own bedroom. Even when they shared bedrooms, we helped them establish boundaries for each other’s space.

A rule we put in place is that no one is allowed to go into someone’s room without permission from that person. This is a boundary that has been established to help my boys relate with one another. They are allowed to tell their brothers that they may not come into their room for whatever reason they choose.

Think of boundaries as rules for how to relate to one another in a relationship. This will help you when it comes to putting rules in place in your marriage.

What do Boundaries Look Like in Marriage?

Like I said before, when you get married, your boundaries are drastically changed. You do not allow other people to have access to your body and space the way you do your spouse. That does not mean that there are no rules in place, but the rules are different.

Each couple has to decide what is important to them and ask their spouse to respect their wishes. I can’t tell you what boundaries you should put in place in your marriage, but I can give you a few examples of the boundaries that are established in my own marriage.

Privacy in the Bathroom

We have a rule in our house, if someone is in the bathroom, you leave them alone. This not only applies to our children, but it applies to us. Austin and I do not come in on each other while the other is using the bathroom. We give each other this space because it’s nice to have a way to be alone if even for a few minutes.

Privacy in Communications

If I wanted to go read my husband’s emails and text messages, he would let me. However, I wouldn’t do that without his permission. This is a boundary we have established in our marriage. The same goes for journals. We’ve agreed not to read each other’s journals. If we want to share something that’s weighing on our minds, we do it in conversation.

We are both entitled to our privacy when it comes to communication with others. If you’re in a marriage where when of you has been unfaithful to the other, then I don’t think this is going to be a good option for you. But, in our situation, we don’t feel the need to check up on each other.

Ask Before Making Plans

Neither of us will make plans without asking the other one first. This rule only applies when the plans will affect the other one. Now that we work together 100% from home, we usually give each other a heads-up on meetings. But, when he worked out of the home, we didn’t check in with each other on things that happened during the day.

Purchases Are Discussed

I recommend that each couple, based on their income, have a dollar amount they agree to check in with each other before purchasing. It’s good to have accountability. Before either Austin or I make any large purchases, we talk about it with one another. This doesn’t apply to grocery shopping, clothes, or anything that’s already in our budget. Since we have a budget, we don’t usually clear those things with each other.

However, if either of us wants something that is not already established in our budget, we talk about it ahead of time. It’s good to have that accountability for purchases in general. But, when you are running a shared budget, it’s really easy to get into financial trouble if you’re both spending and not clearing it with each other.

We Are Allowed to Say no To Physical Affection

Even though we have a wonderful and active sex life, both of us are allowed to say no to the other when it comes to physical affection. This can be no to sex or other forms of physical affection like hugs and kisses.

We have huge respect for each other’s bodies. If I don’t want to be touched, I get to say no to him. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt his feelings, but he will respect me. Truth be told, I’m a touch-me-not a lot of the time.

Respect Each Other’s Time

It is really important to Austin and me to respect each other’s time. If he has things he needs to get done and I’m distracting him, I try to leave him alone. He does the same thing for me.

I try not to presume upon him and he does the same thing for me. We never sign each other up for stuff or commit the other to something without asking.

If Austin needs alone time, I respect that. In full disclosure, I didn’t always understand his need for time alone. But, when I realized that’s how he recharges, I was more than willing to give him time by himself. I don’t need nearly as much time by myself as he does, but if he sees I am overwhelmed, he has to just about push me out the door (yes, I’m that stubborn).

Time is valuable, and it is not my place to decide how Austin spends it. It isn’t his job to determine how I spend my time either. This is a difficult thing to negotiate in marriage because there are things I need him to do and vice versa. Also, as parents, our kids need a lot from us. We have to figure out who is going to help the kids do what.

The way we handle it, is I will ask him to do something that only he can do. He is then responsible for putting it on his schedule and seeing that it happens. I have to be patient and wait for him to accomplish the task. He handles this the same way with me.

Respectful When Fighting

We’re like any couple, we have disagreements that get heated. We have agreed that when we are fighting we will not:

-cuss at each other

-say mean things or tear the other person down

-throw punches, push, shove, get physical, etc.

-let the other person walk away and gather their thoughts if the situation gets overwhelming

Putting boundaries in place for fighting is ESSENTIAL! I’ve seen far too many couples really wound each other during arguments. It’s hard to come back from that. And if you don’t have these rules in place for fighting, there’s going to come a day when your defenses are really low, and you end up doing something you truly regret. Not that we drink, but if we did, we would have a rule that we don’t fight while drinking. It’s just a recipe for disaster.

Every Couple Must Determine Their Rules

These are all personal preferences for us and our relationship. Some couples have no problems with the things we have established. The point here is that this is what works in our marriage.

When it comes to boundaries, the thing to remember is that these rules are put in place to make sure the relationship works in a healthy way. For the most part, it all comes down to personal preference.

The lines must be established by the couple. If one person is ok with something and the other person isn’t, then the couple needs to decide to respect the wishes of the one that feels uncomfortable.

If you do not have clear-cut rules in your marriage, then you will need to take the time to work through your boundaries. It takes time to put these lines in place. Do not get discouraged if you have to remind your spouse of the rules you discussed.

Give each other grace and time to adjust to the rules. Even if you have boundaries, throughout your marriage, you’ll need to renegotiate. Life changes, which means the way you interact changes as well.