What I’m about to say is particularly geared toward wives, but that is not to say that husbands won’t benefit from this post also. Since I write a marriage and sex blog, I’ve had to identify things that helped me to have a better sex life. This is one of those areas that I struggled with a lot, but when I got it down, it really made a difference.
Sexual Thoughts Are Pure When You’re Married
I made a commitment to not engage in sexual activities before I got married. That is a commitment both Austin and I made separately and together.
We also committed to having pure thoughts toward one another. I never allowed myself to fantasize about sex with Austin for very long. If the thoughts came into my mind, I pushed them out as quickly as I could.
If you decided to abstain from physical intimacy before you got married, it is pretty possible that you haven’t quite made the shift yet. As women, we already don’t think about sex as often as men. Through morality issues to the mix and you may not ever fantasize.
Getting Over the Guilt Factor
Since I had spent so many years trying to keep my thoughts under control, it was hard to let myself go once we got married. Thinking about intimate actions caused me to feel guilty on the spot. I would feel guilty about allowing thoughts to play too long in my mind.
Austin and I dated for 5 years, so that was a long time to train my brain to think in a certain way. I’d say it took just as long as that to train it to go the other way.
I have a very good understanding of physical intimacy and God’s design of these acts of pleasure. Even though I had a good concept of sex, I still struggled to allow myself to fantasize about it after I was married. I was not taught that sex is dirty or bad. Rather, I was taught that it is a gift to married people from God the Father, who loves us.
When I started allowing myself to fantasize, I struggled with guilt at first. It was hard to not feel guilty about those thoughts, because for so long, they had been forbidden.
I can’t remember how long it took me to stop feeling bad about fantasies and really embrace my thoughts. I’m willing to bet it was years though.
Fantasizing Changed My Love Life
When I finally allowed myself to have thoughts about sex with my husband, it really changed my love life. Immediately, my desire for sex increased. I found myself really excited about intimate times, whereas before, I might have been a little ambivalent.
Allowing thoughts of my husband to go through my mind caused me to desire him more. It made me more willing to admit I have sexual needs and that I wanted him to meet them.
For women, sexual stimulation starts in the mind. It can’t be completely on your husband to make that happen for you.
It is important that as a woman, you take responsibility for your own sexual desires. Do you know why men want sex so much? It is because they think about it all the time. It comes naturally for them, but boy does it do the trick.
If you want to experience how amazing physical intimacy can be for you, then you have to start by indulging in some fantasies about your spouse.
What Fantasies Are Wrong?
Look, we’ve all had times where we have caught ourselves fantasizing about intimacy, whether it be physical or mental. Don’t you have those times where you dream of your husband sweeping you off your feet? There are plenty of healthy fantasies you can have about your spouse.
What you want to avoid is turning your husband into someone he is not. Don’t dream that he is like someone you saw on television or in a book. Certainly don’t add other people to the fantasy or anything immoral.
I find it best to think back through sexual encounters we have already had. It is really nice to remember a good time we had together. That is a great way for me to feel ready to re-connect with him on a physical level again.
Allowing myself to visual sex with my husband has gone a long way in increasing my libido. I often have a desire to be with him physically long before we get into bed at night. I encourage you to spend time thinking about expressing physical affection in your mind.